The All New PlayBilge Magazine

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

As part of reinstatin' Playbilge to it's former glory, Oi've contacted the girls and they are all agreein'. The monthly centre folds shall return.

If the Men of Portsmouth Calendar is the best Rupert Scurv-doch can muster, then there be plenty of room fer improvement!

Here be the lovely Miss Tiffany for yer lads!

MISS JANUARY

Name: Miss Tiffany

Occupation: Pantomine Singer

Favourite Past time: Screamin' loudly at suitcases

Likes: Men in pink dresses, or dressed up as Brenderella

Dislikes: Goats, Men who like fishhead stew, The Piratica Soccer Team

Where will you be in 5 years time: If the bubonic plague don't get me, O'ill be pullin' beers at the Dribblin Parrot.

[Black Bart]

The dirty cow has got her knickers showin!!!!

[The Black Spot]

I fink she's saying "Big Ron showed me a sausage this big."

[Black Bart]

Here's a picture of me alternative virtual pirate life on 'Second Life'.  That's me in the foreground, standing infront of me ship and me Inn (The Black Shuck Inn). I has even got a virtual cannon to fire at the neighbours!

[DaveL]

Introducin'

MISS FEBRUARY

Name: Miss Gwenda

Occupation: Apprentice Butcher at Big Rons, Portsmouth

Favourite Past time: Filletin' Shanks

Likes:  A big bratwurst, Anything to do wif hacking up carcasses

Dislikes: Cocktail frankfurts, Lighting matches near Big Ron

Where will you be in 5 years time: I'm ambitious girl. I'll be givin' the Portsmouth Butcher scene a bit of competition. Jes don't tell Big Ron!

[Black Bart]

YYYAARRRR...She'll ave to be more careful with her cleaver...the daft wench has cut her clothin to shreds, and it looks loik her hair's got caught in the sausage machine!!

[anthrobabe]

Oh my that poor wench has been attacked by a rabid hair crimper!

[The Black Spot]

Tonight's TV Listings


5.00    Portsmouth 90210     The glamorous lives of the pupils of Portsmouth Pirate Public School. This week Principal Cullinane gets blown up by a dodgy still.

6.00    Doctor Whook         This week, the time travelling pirate spends all day in the tavern, and at  closing time uses the TARRRDIS to go back to lunchtime and start again.

7.00    The News                A roundup of today's murders and kidnappings.

7.15    Jolly Rogers in the 25th Century

8.15    Film: Titanic        Captain Cronan takes command of an unsinkable vessel.

8.17    Cannon               Fat bastid who shoots people

10.30   Tonight's Weather    A dark and stormy night like yesterday. And tomorrow. And next week.

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

That be a fine nights viewin' there Spot.

Here be a nice picture of a 'French Hooker' for yers! YArrrr, Oi must have had too many grogs that night we docked in Marseille. Yarrrr!

[Black Bart]

AAARRRRGH...Look at em those Froggy Peasants are fightin over a round o Camembert cheese again!

[The Black Spot]

Book Review:

The Faceless Pirate by Captain Cronan.

2420 pages, 2 groats.

This is Cap'n Cronan's third novel, and is just as impenetrable as the other two. Cronan's use of arcane language, second level metaphores and sprinklings of pidgin latin make this book a daunting task for the casual reader.

It is, at turns, touching and funny. Many paragraphs trick the reader into thinking that a profound point is being made, but upon reflection the reader realises that it's utter drivel. Whether this is a clever ploy on Cronan's part is uncertain; some critics maintain that the banality of some of the passages is an analogy of the pirate's existance, while other critics maintain that Cronan is just spouting rubbish.

The plot deals with a shepherd who dreams of being a pirate. It is uncertain from who's viewpoint the tale is told. Sometimes it seems to be the shepherd, sometimes one of the sheep and other times by the scarecrow in the next field. It is also possible that the narrator is actually a pirate who has not yet met the shepherd, but may do so at some unspecified date in the future.

The shepherd has never seen himself in a mirror, and so spends much of the book wondering if he has the look of a pirate. The secondary characters are unable to see the shepherd because of a series of strange occurances that happen everytime they try to look at him. It is also possible that the shepherd does not exist, but is only a figment of the pirate's imagination (but the pirate has not yet thought of him). These paradoxical elements are at the heart of all Cronan's work.

A worthy addition to Cronan's body of works.

[DaveL]

MISS APRIL



Name: Ms Myfanwy Llandilo-gogogoch

Occupation: Rugby Cheerleader

Favourite Past-time: Findin' the father of her lively young boy named 'Bart Jr'.

Likes: Leeks, Choral Singin', Ginger Cats answerin to Tiddles

Dislikes: Pirates - particularly ones from Portsmouth,
French Hookers

Where will you be in 5 years time: On a big fat pirates pension ie, the 50% Black Bart will give me if Oi ever catch him in Cardiff again.

[Black Bart]

HHAARRR  HAARRR HHHARRRR...She be lookin even lovlier than what I remembers...lucky I never goes to Cardiff matey!

I don't wants to worry ye Dave but ye forgot Miss March...infact ye set up the photo shoot...and then forgot her!!!!

Miss March:

[DaveL]

YArrrrr, that be why I forgot her matey. That anorexia nervosa must be doin' the rounds at the Pirate modelling agency.

Now it's toime for another Playbilge send in yer favourite photo competition. O'ive entitled this one

SHOW US YER BIG ASS



YArrrr!

[Griffin NoName]

Miss March be very topical. It be a scandell er was left owt. Size 0? She be size -1 Yaaaarrr!