The Pirate Housewife's coffee break magazine

[Black Bart]

Dear Handy Hints,
                  oi was wonderin' if'n you could tell me the best way ter get rid of musket ball marks on me furnichoor. See, the good Capting P 'as got 'old of a thing 'e calls a "Reepeeter" an' it seems ter foire roight
quick, loike. He pulls it out of an evenin', when 'e gets back from the Benbow, an' it ain't 'alf med a mess o' th' house. 'e says 'e is shootin' at the little pink  beggars, but Oi h'aint seen none o' them.

Yers sinseerely,

Mrs Capting P

Dear Mrs P

In this case I feel that prevention is better than cure.

I recommend setting up one of these toys in your garden:



Let him work off his grog demons on the neighbours.  Hours of fun guaranteed. 


Edited for quotes

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Handy Hints

Whenever my husband is home I get no sleep at all. If he isn't snoring fit to waken the dead he is shouting out strange curses and oaths. I cannot imagine where he can have heard some of them they are so shocking. He is also very demanding in other ways if you get my drift.

Should I divorce him?

Yours

Evangaline Rowbottom

Dear Lord...at this rate I am going to need extra writing staff!

Phew...

Dear Mrs Rowbottom

Is your husband a retired Pirate?  If this is the case you need to find ways to burn off his un-used Pirate energies.  I recommend the Galleyslave 500 Rowing machine:


A few hours on the machine is sure to tire him out and you'll get a good night's rest.  Please send a cheque for 500 Cronans to:

Bart Industries, Weevil Lane, The Dockyards, Portsmouth

Dear Handy Hints

Are you 'avin a larf?  That picter be o' me lover not me 'usband. Oi fink yer bin spyin' in me windows.

Yours
Mrs Rowbottom

[anthrobabe]

Dear Handy Hints,

I was wonderin about yer advice on boilin coffee an all. Oim a new bride and haven't had much experience in making and boilin coffee for pirates and all. My new husband tells me that his morning coffee tastes better if I prepare it while- excuse my being un lady like here- undressed. He claims that if I wear me robe or pj's while makin his mornin coffee it gets bits of fluff and stuff in it so 'e prefers I makes it while wearin me birthday suit.
What do ye make o this practice.
Is it harmful in anyway?
How should I handle the neighbors?- as their landin overlooks me kitchen window and the poor fella has fallen down the stairs already a time or two since we moved in.

Sincerely,

Lady Falsiedew

[Black Bart]

Dear Lady Falsiedew

Thankyou for your letter which I am delighted to tell you has won this months Prize Letter Award of a weekend at my Penthouse Flat overlooking Portsmouth Harbour.

Please bring your coffee making equipment with you.

Yours Sincerely

The Editor

[anthrobabe]

Dear Handy Hints:

Me 'usband be gettin on in years now and sometimes me thinks 'es goin a bit nutters.
Last evenin 'e showed up late from the office all dirty and disheveled and told me tha mos fantastical tale oiv ever 'eard. Oil gives ye the shortish version.

"E begun by tellin me about 'ow 'is entire office rebelled against the new Yank coporate ownership by making 'em walk the plank out o the winder and stabbin 'em wif paper spikes and lockin 'em in tha safe an all.
Then the poor dear tells me that the entire bildin jus up and sailed off down towards the City of London where 'is office mates (and that hussy wif tea bags in 'er hiar) up and used filin cabinets as cannons and actually attacked and overtook a big new fangled American office buildin-- where they also stabbed and otherwise mutilated the Yanks in suits. One of 'em even jumped to 'is death rather than face the 'crew' as me 'usband calls 'is office mates now.
'E tol me 'e was so dirty cos of tha ship fallin of a tha end o the Earth or som such drivel an 'e barely escaped frum tha diaste. He drifted off ta sleep in 'is chair singin to 'iself a ditty 'bout "sail the wide account-cy" .

Does ye thinks 'e needs some fiber in 'is diet?

Wif much appreciatin
Mrs. Brasheires
(wife of Mr. Tiddles Brasheires  of The Crimson Permanent Assurance Company)

[Black Bart]

Dear Mrs Brashers

I wouldn't have believed it but someone sent in this image:



Judgin by those billowin sails the Portsmouth Pirates had better watch out!

There be no worse a cutthroat than your local Bank manager or Insurance salesman!