The Pirate Housewife's coffee break magazine

[Black Bart]

This is a 'Woman's Own' type magazine to amuse the hard working Pirate Housewife whilst her Swashbuckling Pirate husband is away at sea. It's time for her to take a well earned break from the household chores, settle down with a nice cup of tea and read...complete saucy nonsense.

Post Short stories and other amusing snippets for our female readers.

Can you fix my blockage?

by Hayley Humpbucket



Mrs Morgan stared forlornly out of the kitchen window, her arms up to the elbows in the murky water in the sink. It had been nearly a full year since her husband Captain Morgan had sailed from Portsmouth Harbour and in that time life had become harder and harder for poor Mrs Morgan. It wasn't just the sink that was playing up, there were problems all over the house.

Mrs Morgan sat herself down for a cup of tea, a bun and a think. Suddenly a card dropped through the letterbox onto the doormat, she picked it up and read "Bustlin Brian's Plumbing Emporium - for all your Plumbing and Household Maintenance needs". Within minutes Mrs Morgan was on the phone, arranging a visit from Brian.

Next morning, when Mrs Morgan opened the door to Brian, she was momentarily taken aback by Brian's manly demeanor, his strong hands clutching his tool box as he stood in the doorway. "Come in," said Mrs M recovering her feminine poise, "That's a big tool box you've got there." Brian brushed passed her into the hall, his large frame accidently nudging her up against the wall. "In my business you need some big tools love, now where do you want me to start?" Turning ever so slightly crimson, Mrs M led Brian to the kitchen where he was soon busy with the sink.

Mrs Morgan sighed to herself, it was nice to have a man around the house again, especially one who was such a handyman. When Brian called out, "can you hold my bucket" Mrs M was there like a shot. Crouching under the sink with Brian was the most fun Mrs M had had in months. Sadly Brian had sorted out Mrs M's plumbing all too soon and after 5 cups of tea and eighteen biscuits it was time for Brian to leave. As he left, he said: 'You shouldn't have any more problems love. But if you need me, just give me a call.'

It was with sadness that Mrs M returned to the empty house each day during the following week. She almost wished she had an excuse to call Brian. So imagine her delight when she discovered the huge jobby she'd done the other night had completely blocked the loo.

'I'm sorry about that' said Mrs M when Brian turned up, 'lucky you had such a big ram rod.' Not only did Brian fix the loo but he also accepted Mrs M's offer of a pie and a pint of ale. Brian nodded sympathetically as Mrs M told him about her husband being far away and unlikely to return for many months. 'You make a nice pie Mrs Morgan, if you ever need a good rodding, don't hesitate to call me. 'Mrs M smiled, gazing into Brians eyes, please call me Cynthia,' she said, she was debating whether to ask him round for another meal when he got up, thanked her for a pleasant nosh up and said: 'Call me if you need me'.

After he'd gone Cynthia sighed to herself, she was only a customer after all, there was no reason to think anything would come of Brian's visits. Even so, Cynthia wished she had an excuse to call Brian back. Suddenly Cynthia had a flash of inspiration.

When Brian arrived to fix the water tank, he stared at Cynthia. 'I've never seen anything like it...It's most unusual for your ball cock to drop off and get jammed in your main faucet whilst severely inhibiting your air gap.' ' If I had to hazard a guess,' he said, 'I'd say this was the result of deliberate damage.'

A big smile spread accross Brians face. Cynthia blushed, standing there in her bra, knickers and suspenders, what an idiot she'd been., He'd seen straight through her.

'Well then,' said Brian, 'that's the plumbing sorted, now where did I put my ram rod?'

[Black Bart]

Handy Home Hints

Sent in by avid reader Mrs Black Bart

Does your husband leave you with a pile of stained clothing each month?  Even my hubbies collection of 1 shirt, 1 top coat, 1 pair of pants and 2 un-matching socks can be a real chore after 6 months of hardy seafaring.

Here are some handy hints to help the ladies with their household chores.

This weeks topic:

How to remove Vomit stains:

Remove surface deposits, rinse under cold running water. Soak in cold water and a biological detergent, then wash in a strong detergent. Alternatively, sponge with a vinegar solution (1 tablespoon/15ml to 1 pint/500ml cold water).

For non-washing fabrics, remove surface deposits and sponge with warm water into which a few drops of ammonia have been added. Blot dry with absorbent paper.

There are many other sorts of stain on my husbands un-washed clothing but I will address those next week.

[Pachyderm]

Dear Handy Hints'

                      Oi was wonderin' if'n you cud publish an h'article abaht gettin' parrot crap off'ov fabric. Me hubby is a pyrate Capting, an' as such, 'e has ter have a parrot. Oi tried stuffin' a cork up the "Windward Passage", but the parrot didn't mek it home. Sumfing abaht blowin'up an' coverin' the hubby in bits o' parrot and poo. When Oi was cleanin' his jacket, Oi notissed the poo was underneath the parrot bits....

Any tips an' pointers wud be most wellcome.

Fankin' you,

Mrs Capting Pachyderm

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Agatha

How do I cheer my hubby up when he comes home after a long voyage?

Sandra T-M

[Black Bart]

Dear Sandra

Thank you for your letter which is very representative of alot of the letters we receive here at The Pirate Housewife's Magazine.  There are many ways to make your husband's homecoming special.  Try baking his favorite cake, or cooking his favorite meal.  Always greet your husband with a smile and pretend to be interested in his Long Winded Tales.

I will give you one very important piece of advice however.  If you husband arrives looking like this:



Run...Run like buggery!

[Black Bart]

Dear Handy Hints'

                      Oi was wonderin' if'n you cud publish an h'article abaht gettin' parrot crap off'ov fabric. Me hubby is a pyrate Capting, an' as such, 'e has ter have a parrot. Oi tried stuffin' a cork up the "Windward Passage", but the parrot didn't mek it home. Sumfing abaht blowin'up an' coverin' the hubby in bits o' parrot and poo. When Oi was cleanin' his jacket, Oi notissed the poo was underneath the parrot bits....

Any tips an' pointers wud be most wellcome.

Fankin' you,

Mrs Capting Pachyderm

Dear Mrs Capting Pachyderm

Making the parrot explode is only going to exacerbate the problem.  Removing parrot poo stains is notoriously difficult. Try getting your husband to stagger the position of the parrot.  Please note I did not suggest that you get your husband to stagger...he's probably doing that already.  If the parrot moves from shoulder to shoulder the staining will become more evenly distributed and will, in time, form a protective crust, handy in deflecting downward cutlass strokes.

[anthrobabe]

Dear Handy Hints,

A few months back I began to notice that my pirate husband wasn't as interested in me when he first got home after a voyage- not as interested as he used to be when we were younger- back then it was clothes tearin off and parrot tossin as soon as he limped in the front door.
The last few trips it seems that when he limps home all he wants to do is sit in front of the television and watch soccer. I've been distraught- my thoughts have run the gammit from
*he's found a new wench- then I looked at him and know what his underdrawers look like and am sure that no wench- no matter how desperate would touch him.
*he no longer finds me attractive- so I got me hair done and lost 20 pounds and had a facial
*he is suffering from 'the mens droopy'- you know- THAT problem- so I slipped him some Vi-ARGH into his stewe but alas nothing.
I have to date not been able to figure out the problem- I'm lonely- I need advice- Please help

Sincerely,
Madam Jack Trelway

[Black Bart]

Dear Madam Jack Trelway

For god's sake woman...

NEVER, I repeat NEVER, put Vi-aaargh in Fishe Heade Stewe!!!!!   God God woman do you want the streets of Portsmouth littered with dead smiling Pirates who look like they're auditioning for the part of Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights!

[Pachyderm]

Dear Handy Hints,

                     Oi was wonderin' if'n you could henliten me as to the proper style o' decoratin' the' ole haven. The Capting has had a fair bit o' sucess in th' poiratin' line, see. There is some as that says "Mek it, big, bold and loud. Lotsa gold, velvet and silks an' such. Let evverybody know it's yourn, and be jealous, loike." But at th' same toime, there is them whut says "Keep it qiout on th' outside. No flash, no gold. but mek th' inside real nice. That way only yer friends will know ye are filthy rich..." Sumone suggested a lay-over in teh Caribeean, so Oi hit 'im. Oi'm a good Mrs Capting P.

Yourn sinceerly,

Mrs Capting P

[Black Bart]

Dear Mrs Capting P

Ye knows what the neighbours in the Portsmouth area be loik.  If it aint nailed down, they'll ave it!

Make sure ye hinstalls a reliable security system.  I recommends the Lifelike Scumsoft parrot alarm:

[anthrobabe]

Dear Handy Hints,

Oiv a bit o problem lately. Oive developed an attrakson to me pool maintenance boy-fella. He's about 21 and tall dark and handsome. I fink he finds me attractive as well as 'es always takin extry time wif clenin me drains and makin sure tha pump is clean and o corse he winks at me a fair bit.

To now I've not approched 'im in anyfing but an empoyerly manner- but me husban is 'bout to set sail on a longish trip and oim finkin this mite be a goodish time to see how the waves break ifin ye gets my meanin.

whot 'r ye thoughts on this type o thing? I does loves me husban but over the years the romance has gone out of our marriage and I still be a youngish lass wif legitamate desireins an all.

Sincerly,

Mrs. Tenpence

[Black Bart]

Dear Mrs Tenpence

I can see from your surname that you are descended from a Long Line of Portsmouth scrubbers.  I refer you to the entertaining tale sent in by Hayley Humpbucket.  Simply replace 'Plumber' with 'Pool maintenance fella'. 

Make sure your pool has plenty of leaks and he'll be sure to come over and sort out your bottom. 

ps Don't forget to leave your covers off when he comes round.

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Handy Hints

Whenever my husband is home I get no sleep at all. If he isn't snoring fit to waken the dead he is shouting out strange curses and oaths. I cannot imagine where he can have heard some of them they are so shocking. He is also very demanding in other ways if you get my drift.

Should I divorce him?

Yours

Evangaline Rowbottom

[Pachyderm]

Dear Handy Hints,
                  oi was wonderin' if'n you could tell me the best way ter get rid of musket ball marks on me furnichoor. See, the good Capting P 'as got 'old of a thing 'e calls a "Reepeeter" an' it seems ter foire roight quick, loike. He pulls it out of an evenin', when 'e gets back from the Benbow, an' it ain't 'alf med a mess o' th' house. 'e says 'e is shootin' at the little pink  beggars, but Oi h'aint seen none o' them.

Yers sinseerely,

Mrs Capting P

[Black Bart]

Dear Handy Hints

Whenever my husband is home I get no sleep at all. If he isn't snoring fit to waken the dead he is shouting out strange curses and oaths. I cannot imagine where he can have heard some of them they are so shocking. He is also very demanding in other ways if you get my drift.

Should I divorce him?

Yours

Evangaline Rowbottom

Dear Lord...at this rate I am going to need extra writing staff!

Phew...

Dear Mrs Rowbottom

Is your husband a retired Pirate?  If this is the case you need to find ways to burn off his un-used Pirate energies.  I recommend the Galleyslave 500 Rowing machine:


A few hours on the machine is sure to tire him out and you'll get a good night's rest.  Please send a cheque for 500 Cronans to:

Bart Industries, Weevil Lane, The Dockyards, Portsmouth

[Black Bart]

Dear Handy Hints,
                  oi was wonderin' if'n you could tell me the best way ter get rid of musket ball marks on me furnichoor. See, the good Capting P 'as got 'old of a thing 'e calls a "Reepeeter" an' it seems ter foire roight
quick, loike. He pulls it out of an evenin', when 'e gets back from the Benbow, an' it ain't 'alf med a mess o' th' house. 'e says 'e is shootin' at the little pink  beggars, but Oi h'aint seen none o' them.

Yers sinseerely,

Mrs Capting P

Dear Mrs P

In this case I feel that prevention is better than cure.

I recommend setting up one of these toys in your garden:



Let him work off his grog demons on the neighbours.  Hours of fun guaranteed. 


Edited for quotes

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Handy Hints

Whenever my husband is home I get no sleep at all. If he isn't snoring fit to waken the dead he is shouting out strange curses and oaths. I cannot imagine where he can have heard some of them they are so shocking. He is also very demanding in other ways if you get my drift.

Should I divorce him?

Yours

Evangaline Rowbottom

Dear Lord...at this rate I am going to need extra writing staff!

Phew...

Dear Mrs Rowbottom

Is your husband a retired Pirate?  If this is the case you need to find ways to burn off his un-used Pirate energies.  I recommend the Galleyslave 500 Rowing machine:


A few hours on the machine is sure to tire him out and you'll get a good night's rest.  Please send a cheque for 500 Cronans to:

Bart Industries, Weevil Lane, The Dockyards, Portsmouth

Dear Handy Hints

Are you 'avin a larf?  That picter be o' me lover not me 'usband. Oi fink yer bin spyin' in me windows.

Yours
Mrs Rowbottom

[anthrobabe]

Dear Handy Hints,

I was wonderin about yer advice on boilin coffee an all. Oim a new bride and haven't had much experience in making and boilin coffee for pirates and all. My new husband tells me that his morning coffee tastes better if I prepare it while- excuse my being un lady like here- undressed. He claims that if I wear me robe or pj's while makin his mornin coffee it gets bits of fluff and stuff in it so 'e prefers I makes it while wearin me birthday suit.
What do ye make o this practice.
Is it harmful in anyway?
How should I handle the neighbors?- as their landin overlooks me kitchen window and the poor fella has fallen down the stairs already a time or two since we moved in.

Sincerely,

Lady Falsiedew

[Black Bart]

Dear Lady Falsiedew

Thankyou for your letter which I am delighted to tell you has won this months Prize Letter Award of a weekend at my Penthouse Flat overlooking Portsmouth Harbour.

Please bring your coffee making equipment with you.

Yours Sincerely

The Editor

[anthrobabe]

Dear Handy Hints:

Me 'usband be gettin on in years now and sometimes me thinks 'es goin a bit nutters.
Last evenin 'e showed up late from the office all dirty and disheveled and told me tha mos fantastical tale oiv ever 'eard. Oil gives ye the shortish version.

"E begun by tellin me about 'ow 'is entire office rebelled against the new Yank coporate ownership by making 'em walk the plank out o the winder and stabbin 'em wif paper spikes and lockin 'em in tha safe an all.
Then the poor dear tells me that the entire bildin jus up and sailed off down towards the City of London where 'is office mates (and that hussy wif tea bags in 'er hiar) up and used filin cabinets as cannons and actually attacked and overtook a big new fangled American office buildin-- where they also stabbed and otherwise mutilated the Yanks in suits. One of 'em even jumped to 'is death rather than face the 'crew' as me 'usband calls 'is office mates now.
'E tol me 'e was so dirty cos of tha ship fallin of a tha end o the Earth or som such drivel an 'e barely escaped frum tha diaste. He drifted off ta sleep in 'is chair singin to 'iself a ditty 'bout "sail the wide account-cy" .

Does ye thinks 'e needs some fiber in 'is diet?

Wif much appreciatin
Mrs. Brasheires
(wife of Mr. Tiddles Brasheires  of The Crimson Permanent Assurance Company)

[Black Bart]

Dear Mrs Brashers

I wouldn't have believed it but someone sent in this image:



Judgin by those billowin sails the Portsmouth Pirates had better watch out!

There be no worse a cutthroat than your local Bank manager or Insurance salesman!