The Roman magistrate song
Tune: The Major General's Song (Gilbert&Sullivan: The Pirates of Penzance)
Chorus: |: His name is Marcus Tullius Cicero :|
Cicero: My name is/Indeed I'm Marcus Tullius Cicero
1.
I am the very model of a proper Roman magistrate
although of origin a poor provincial legal advocate
I came to Rome with country drawl, behaved and clothed/dressed still/quite prissily
Then came to fame defending the oppressed poor folks of Sicily.
I beat that Asianic fop, illustrious Hortensius
The greatest advocate till then, an omen so portentious
That gave my standing quite a boost. I moved to better neighbourhood
[neighbourhood! maidenhood? hazelwood? Oh, of course!]
I can/could afford now finally some furniture of citrus wood
I ran the course of honors through and "suo anno" at each stage
An akin meteoric rise you'll seek in vain on his'try's page
See, does/did not turn my origin as studied legal advocate
me into a fine model for a proper Roman magistrate?
2.
I love the lengthy period with con- and subjunctives galore
I best each verbal labyrinth as Theseus did the minotaur
I know my ornaments and tropes from zeugma to apostrophy
I practice hypotyposis that leads to eucatastrophe
I shun the tmesis like the plague, don't mix en- with hypallage
Against non-cretic clausulae I have an aching allergy
Occasions for anacoluth or sentence aposiopese...
[mayonaise? Calliopese? Alcibiades?... Eureka/I've got it/Ah, but of course!]
And don't insinuate insinuations are just lies - oh, please.
I can explain the difference twixt alleg'ry and metaphor
and can provide for evr'y term the context that it matters for
This stanza has too many lines, I humbly do apologise
[eulogize?...extemporize? Nobel prize?... Something more epic!]
But with this topic dear to me the words swell like Apollo's rise
No one can yet convict me of abuse of inconcinnity
My subtle sense of tone does truly verge on pure divinity
So I from modest origins, a mere provincial advocate,
became the very model of a brilliant Roman magistrate
3.
I dabble in philosophy, in dreams I talk to Socrates
Of rivals I am as devoid as medicine's Hippocrates
A challenger compared to me sounds Numid or Iberian
I'd win a dispute easily no matter what criterion.
I can force words to do my will, of Latin mine is mastery
Comparable my aptitude to expert sculptor's plastery
I keep my gestures dignified, at least when on the senate floor
[senate floor...janitor?...penny whore?...Ah! Of course!]
Avoid the roll-of-eyes and row-of-arms, I'm not a semaphor.
A homo novus though I am, by birth a mere equestrian
I soared through toil and eloquence past nobles more pedestrian
So out of plainest origins a paltry legal advocate
arose as very model of a palmy Roman magistrate
4.
I have a slave named Tiro who brought forth the art stenography
And who, if fates permit, one day will publish my biography
He notes down ev'ry word that in the public or at home I've said
And of course in the most august assembly here in Rome, senate!
Although with voters common I will be at times gregarious
I find the populares faction utterly nefarious
So without doubt I throw my lot in with the noble optimates
[optimates! obstinates? pots and plates?... I've got it!]
For what they're always aiming at "best for the state" approximates
I love the toga candida and the elections annual
My brother Quintus was so kind to write the winner's manual
With this assistance I was spared a certain loser's tragic fate
Became with vote unanimous of Rome the highest magistrate
5.
I can declaim in Greek like born in Athens or in Miletos
I showed that rascal Catiline who really is in Rome the boss
Some say his motivation was just violated vanity
But then to start a coup attempt was madness and insanity
He clearly was a bolshevik, although I don't know what that means,
and right against the mos maiorum but that's normal for such fiends
I then got hailed as savior of our sacred fatherland
[fatherland...rather bent?...leather scent?...EUREKA]
but squinting sods did disagree and planned my triumphs there to end.
Thus afterwards you exiled me through that tribune so odious
Who had exchanged his honest name for that of vulgar Clodius
With fire denied (and water too) exiled to places desolate
I fell down from the lofty peak of supreme Roman magistrate
6.
It's said the perfect orator a good man is well versed in speech
And for him who has mastered this no thing to aim for 's out of reach
I climbed through efforts tireless the heights of Attic oratory
I penned some self-promoting but unsuccessful epic poetry
The way I use the language shall one day be made canonical
Which given no bum talks like this should be seen as ironical
Categorise my style as neither Asian nor atticist
[pacifist, can't resist? Oh, me stupid!]
I walk the golden middle course, am not baroque but classicist
I made the Latin language shine and stay for all eternity
To form with Persian, Greek, Sanskrit forever a fraternity
And thus despite my origin as country bumpkin advocate
my eloquence made me the model of a Roman magistrate
7.
Indeed it was an/the orator who first united as a group
the cultureless humanity fed up with bitter acorn soup
He taught them all there was to know and how to found a/the city state
He was the natural candidate to serve as its first magistrate
We know that our first Roman king - Quirinus Romulus - could wield
The word as well as any sword. The eloquence served as his shield
Then Numa his more peaceful heir could do away with sagum red
[garum fed?...Boba Fett?... Ouch! It' s so obvious]
Inspired by Camena's source/spring he governed in the toga clad
And this tradition it holds true while seven centuries have passed
If to my precepts/teachings you will hold, for many more it's going to last
To Rome despite my origins as rural legal advocate
The gods called me as model both as orator and magistrate
8.
The orator before all things must never ever be a bore
And even on the dullest topic find his mark and hit full score
But this be done/he does with dignity, avoiding all cheap stage effects
And with quick wit the heckling claque's intrusions craftily deflects
An orator worth of the name of ev'rything has ample gist
And, if he hasn't, he can still make use of an exempla/example list
But I digress - I often do - but this is not the lecture hall
Please don't take it as flattery me saying that I love you all
What is this world, if not a stage, for each of us a part to play?
[part to play...hard to pay...start to say?...I got it.]
And I was given billings prime to take the lead and save the day
For not by chance for Roma's sake in time mine was the consulate
The vilest plot I could unveil and just before it was too late.
The gods send forth as champion me, an unknown rusty advocate
In time of need to take the role of lucid Roman magistrate
9.
The Parthians do not fear me yet for my strategic genius
No blade I bathed in human blood for I am rather squeamish, yes
Of British cooking I stay clear, a parcel one calls them of rogues
The Gauls I hate for drinking beer (exception made for Allobroges)
No sword is worn within Rome's walls, the sanctified pomerium
Removed from fasces is the axe, no soldier holds imperium
And though I lack the clever stratagems of Quintus Fabius
[fabulous, platypus? Ah, that's it!]
And cannot tell apart, ye gods, a spatha from a gladius
I am no blood-stained warrior. The tongue is mighty, not the sword
I have steered through the roughest seas the ship of state to safest port
Therefore, despite of origin a humble legal advocate
I am the very model of a glorious Roman magistrate
10.
Republican I am at heart, I hate all things tyrannical
Despite nice news of victories both Gallic and Britannical
I would not take - if offered one - a seat in a triumvirate
Political shenanigans of "great men" get me quite irate
My idol is Demosthenes the great Athenian orator
I do philippics just like him and give Rome's fetid foes what for
I hate that guy Marc Anthony and call him many nasty name
[lasting shame?...ghastly maim? Misplaced my head again...Duh!]
A scoundrel very wanton he, too fond of wine, whore, slut and dame
Not worthy of his noble birth, a moral stain on Roma's face
Defiler of all honest things, in short a total gross disgrace!
Compare that to my humble self, this Arpinate and advocate
Possessing moral stamina, apt for a Roman magistrate
Tune: The Major General's Song (Gilbert&Sullivan: The Pirates of Penzance)
Chorus: |: His name is Marcus Tullius Cicero :|
Cicero: My name is/Indeed I'm Marcus Tullius Cicero
1.
I am the very model of a proper Roman magistrate
although of origin a poor provincial legal advocate
I came to Rome with country drawl, behaved and clothed/dressed still/quite prissily
Then came to fame defending the oppressed poor folks of Sicily.
I beat that Asianic fop, illustrious Hortensius
The greatest advocate till then, an omen so portentious
That gave my standing quite a boost. I moved to better neighbourhood
[neighbourhood! maidenhood? hazelwood? Oh, of course!]
I can/could afford now finally some furniture of citrus wood
I ran the course of honors through and "suo anno" at each stage
An akin meteoric rise you'll seek in vain on his'try's page
See, does/did not turn my origin as studied legal advocate
me into a fine model for a proper Roman magistrate?
2.
I love the lengthy period with con- and subjunctives galore
I best each verbal labyrinth as Theseus did the minotaur
I know my ornaments and tropes from zeugma to apostrophy
I practice hypotyposis that leads to eucatastrophe
I shun the tmesis like the plague, don't mix en- with hypallage
Against non-cretic clausulae I have an aching allergy
Occasions for anacoluth or sentence aposiopese...
[mayonaise? Calliopese? Alcibiades?... Eureka/I've got it/Ah, but of course!]
And don't insinuate insinuations are just lies - oh, please.
I can explain the difference twixt alleg'ry and metaphor
and can provide for evr'y term the context that it matters for
This stanza has too many lines, I humbly do apologise
[eulogize?...extemporize? Nobel prize?... Something more epic!]
But with this topic dear to me the words swell like Apollo's rise
No one can yet convict me of abuse of inconcinnity
My subtle sense of tone does truly verge on pure divinity
So I from modest origins, a mere provincial advocate,
became the very model of a brilliant Roman magistrate
3.
I dabble in philosophy, in dreams I talk to Socrates
Of rivals I am as devoid as medicine's Hippocrates
A challenger compared to me sounds Numid or Iberian
I'd win a dispute easily no matter what criterion.
I can force words to do my will, of Latin mine is mastery
Comparable my aptitude to expert sculptor's plastery
I keep my gestures dignified, at least when on the senate floor
[senate floor...janitor?...penny whore?...Ah! Of course!]
Avoid the roll-of-eyes and row-of-arms, I'm not a semaphor.
A homo novus though I am, by birth a mere equestrian
I soared through toil and eloquence past nobles more pedestrian
So out of plainest origins a paltry legal advocate
arose as very model of a palmy Roman magistrate
4.
I have a slave named Tiro who brought forth the art stenography
And who, if fates permit, one day will publish my biography
He notes down ev'ry word that in the public or at home I've said
And of course in the most august assembly here in Rome, senate!
Although with voters common I will be at times gregarious
I find the populares faction utterly nefarious
So without doubt I throw my lot in with the noble optimates
[optimates! obstinates? pots and plates?... I've got it!]
For what they're always aiming at "best for the state" approximates
I love the toga candida and the elections annual
My brother Quintus was so kind to write the winner's manual
With this assistance I was spared a certain loser's tragic fate
Became with vote unanimous of Rome the highest magistrate
5.
I can declaim in Greek like born in Athens or in Miletos
I showed that rascal Catiline who really is in Rome the boss
Some say his motivation was just violated vanity
But then to start a coup attempt was madness and insanity
He clearly was a bolshevik, although I don't know what that means,
and right against the mos maiorum but that's normal for such fiends
I then got hailed as savior of our sacred fatherland
[fatherland...rather bent?...leather scent?...EUREKA]
but squinting sods did disagree and planned my triumphs there to end.
Thus afterwards you exiled me through that tribune so odious
Who had exchanged his honest name for that of vulgar Clodius
With fire denied (and water too) exiled to places desolate
I fell down from the lofty peak of supreme Roman magistrate
6.
It's said the perfect orator a good man is well versed in speech
And for him who has mastered this no thing to aim for 's out of reach
I climbed through efforts tireless the heights of Attic oratory
I penned some self-promoting but unsuccessful epic poetry
The way I use the language shall one day be made canonical
Which given no bum talks like this should be seen as ironical
Categorise my style as neither Asian nor atticist
[pacifist, can't resist? Oh, me stupid!]
I walk the golden middle course, am not baroque but classicist
I made the Latin language shine and stay for all eternity
To form with Persian, Greek, Sanskrit forever a fraternity
And thus despite my origin as country bumpkin advocate
my eloquence made me the model of a Roman magistrate
7.
Indeed it was an/the orator who first united as a group
the cultureless humanity fed up with bitter acorn soup
He taught them all there was to know and how to found a/the city state
He was the natural candidate to serve as its first magistrate
We know that our first Roman king - Quirinus Romulus - could wield
The word as well as any sword. The eloquence served as his shield
Then Numa his more peaceful heir could do away with sagum red
[garum fed?...Boba Fett?... Ouch! It' s so obvious]
Inspired by Camena's source/spring he governed in the toga clad
And this tradition it holds true while seven centuries have passed
If to my precepts/teachings you will hold, for many more it's going to last
To Rome despite my origins as rural legal advocate
The gods called me as model both as orator and magistrate
8.
The orator before all things must never ever be a bore
And even on the dullest topic find his mark and hit full score
But this be done/he does with dignity, avoiding all cheap stage effects
And with quick wit the heckling claque's intrusions craftily deflects
An orator worth of the name of ev'rything has ample gist
And, if he hasn't, he can still make use of an exempla/example list
But I digress - I often do - but this is not the lecture hall
Please don't take it as flattery me saying that I love you all
What is this world, if not a stage, for each of us a part to play?
[part to play...hard to pay...start to say?...I got it.]
And I was given billings prime to take the lead and save the day
For not by chance for Roma's sake in time mine was the consulate
The vilest plot I could unveil and just before it was too late.
The gods send forth as champion me, an unknown rusty advocate
In time of need to take the role of lucid Roman magistrate
9.
The Parthians do not fear me yet for my strategic genius
No blade I bathed in human blood for I am rather squeamish, yes
Of British cooking I stay clear, a parcel one calls them of rogues
The Gauls I hate for drinking beer (exception made for Allobroges)
No sword is worn within Rome's walls, the sanctified pomerium
Removed from fasces is the axe, no soldier holds imperium
And though I lack the clever stratagems of Quintus Fabius
[fabulous, platypus? Ah, that's it!]
And cannot tell apart, ye gods, a spatha from a gladius
I am no blood-stained warrior. The tongue is mighty, not the sword
I have steered through the roughest seas the ship of state to safest port
Therefore, despite of origin a humble legal advocate
I am the very model of a glorious Roman magistrate
10.
Republican I am at heart, I hate all things tyrannical
Despite nice news of victories both Gallic and Britannical
I would not take - if offered one - a seat in a triumvirate
Political shenanigans of "great men" get me quite irate
My idol is Demosthenes the great Athenian orator
I do philippics just like him and give Rome's fetid foes what for
I hate that guy Marc Anthony and call him many nasty name
[lasting shame?...ghastly maim? Misplaced my head again...Duh!]
A scoundrel very wanton he, too fond of wine, whore, slut and dame
Not worthy of his noble birth, a moral stain on Roma's face
Defiler of all honest things, in short a total gross disgrace!
Compare that to my humble self, this Arpinate and advocate
Possessing moral stamina, apt for a Roman magistrate
