YYYAAARRR and ahoy me hearties. I be openin this topic for suggestions of amusin things to do on a long voyage or for when yer ship's becalmed in the middle of the ocean.
I likes a bit of Scrimshaw meself...
No, don't titter, taint nothin ye be doin at Madame Fifi's, it be the art of carvin or wittlin pieces o bone into helaborate hornimants such as sailing ships and snuff boxes.
The most common type o bone used be Whale or Walrus Tusk...but I prefers Frenchman or Spaniard! YYYAARRRR I can spend hours happily wittlin away until me hand gets tired. The beauty of it bein ye can sell yer objects at Portsmouth Market when ye gets home. I once wittled a Spaniards shin bone into an exact replica of Portsmouth Lighthouse...I was very pleased with meself but the Spaniard wasn't so happy!
So lets hear yer suggestions for whiling away the long salty hours.
I once spent a long voyage trainin' a spider to weave the words "The Black Spot" into its web.
After several months o' work, I invited some o' me crew into me cabin to see it. We all stared at the web an' marvelled at what the spider 'ad done. Trouble was, as we were all illiterate, we didn't know if the web spelled me name, or it were just a really messy web.
Me parrot ate the eight legg'd blaggard the next day anyway.
Polishin me peg leg keeps me appy fer hours; that be wen Oi not be paintin it. Oi bin tryin ter perfect the Mona Lisa smoile in a spiral but it be not werkin out too well.
Oi been spendin the last cupple o cruizez makin a model o a Spanish galleon out er wood splinters Oi find all glued tergether wiv ear wax. So far Oi got the foc'sl and the main deck done and Oi currently be werkin on the quarter deck. Oi'm a bit unsure ow Oi'll go wiv th' riggin, but Oi'll deal wiv that wen Oi get ter it.
Cap'n Bluenose
Keep the suggestions comin me hearties...me ship is at present becalmed just off the Isle o Wight. I'd go ashore but thar be even less to do there than there is on the ship!
Quote from: Bluenose on October 07, 2006, 01:01:04 PM
Oi been spendin the last cupple o cruizez makin a model o a Spanish galleon out er wood splinters Oi find all glued tergether wiv ear wax. So far Oi got the foc'sl and the main deck done and Oi currently be werkin on the quarter deck. Oi'm a bit unsure ow Oi'll go wiv th' riggin, but Oi'll deal wiv that wen Oi get ter it.
Cap'n Bluenose
Nose hair extracted from boogers, Cap'n. Beggin' yer pardon iffen oi'm bein' pushy, loike!
YArrrr...
Oi just 'accidently' accquired an 'R-Box 360'. The console and joy pads is made out of plywood.
Me an the lads have been playin'some awesome tournaments. Problem when Oi needs 'em to do some real werke they get a bit feisty.
Can't wait until television is invented. Then we can have some real fun.
YARRRR!
Tyin knots is always a steadfast way to while away the hours. A sheep shank for a sheep. A slip knot fer all yer hangin needs and a reef knot to hold yer wacky backy in!
In times of boredom me crew get quite excited when I arrange maggot racing. First of all I as to get a supply of maggots out of me First Mate's hair (dirty blaggard hasn't washed for 15 years)and then we race em up an down the deck. Problem is the races don't last long on account of the crew eating the competitors, well it beats the chef's food.
An you all thought that Pirates led an exciting life.
I also have a great collection o books for those of me crew who can read:
'A History of Fish Head Stew' by Dave L
'Piratical diplomacy' by The Black Spot - that be a very short book...
'A History of Sea Shanties' by Brenda McTavish...I thinks the crew only borrows that one for the photo of the author!
'Clonin Gingers and how to avoid it' by myself
'World Cup 2006 My Story' by (Oz Nick) Blue Nose...a terrific account of Piratica's adventures in the football World Cup set against the backdrop of one man's struggle against the loss of all limbs and his ultimate rise to glory.
Quote from: Calico Jack on October 09, 2006, 02:53:53 PM
In times of boredom me crew get quite excited when I arrange maggot racing...
We has a similar event aboard me own vessel. We has biscuit racin'.
We draws a chalk circle on the deck, an puts half a dozen biscuits in the centre, an we bets on which one'll leave the circle first. There be so many weevils an' things in the biscuits that the race be over in a few seconds.
We did try racin' the pork chops once, but no-one could catch the winner before it jumped over the side.
Quote from: Black Bart on October 10, 2006, 02:19:35 PM
'World Cup 2006 My Story' by (Oz Nick) Blue Nose...a terrific account of Piratica's adventures in the football World Cup set against the backdrop of one man's struggle against the loss of all limbs and his ultimate rise to glory.
Yaarrr, Oi'll be havin a book signin out side o Madam Fifi's next Wednesday after lunch...
Me an me crew play interactive video games. But the rules be terruble ard. Ye ave ter tek a pile of em an balance em on yer ed while climbing up ter crow's nest wivout any fallin off nest. Whiles yer doin it, everyone else throws their own pile o videos at yer. The one oo knocks ye down wins. That be where the skill comes inter it - the video which knocks ye down as ter be a different title ter the ones ye have.
We use them videos we stole borrowed from the video shop next ter Madam Fifi's. They were a job lot promised ter Madam Fifi fer er customers an all be entitled Madam Fifi an Cap'n Cronin Goes Ter Sea.
Quote from: NoName on October 11, 2006, 02:27:34 AM
Madam Fifi an Cap'n Cronin Goes Ter Sea[/i].
Now that be a very, very long voyage indeed!
YArrrr...
Oi can't wait for the sequel 'Madame Fifi and Capn Cronan goes to sea with Brenda'. There'd be a few extra waves made in that one!
Me an the lads used to play a game of deck quoits using explosive devices. You could take out yer opponents quoit by blowin it up, but problem was, we used to throw em at our opponents as well. There were a few extra peglegs and hook hands on account of that game.
Yarrrr...
Me crew be 'avin ter innertain theyselfs a bit resently, an' ha' gone back to th' games of childehoohe to do so. Oi ha' nae problim wif some o' their games (althoug Ring Aroun' ther Rosies did no sound very piratish, an who the 'ell is Rosie anway?) but I mus say Oi was verry irritatered by this "Red Rover" game. Half th' bleedin' crew was over the sides by the second round, and now we're dealin' wif a heavy load of Hook Rust and soinus infeckshuns from th' seawater.
Oi don' know whevver to git a dockter or a blacksmith...
YArrrr...
A few years ago me and the lads invested a stake in a thoroughbred racing maggot named 'Aegean Mist'. 'Ole Misty', as called him wuz the finest racing maggot this side of the Indies. In me Captain's quarters me shelves were lined with trophies from many of ole 'Misty's' successes.
YArrrr...when 'Misty'was placed into the ring, all the other maggots quaked in their maggoty boots (or lack thereof). We wuz so successful, that some of the lads turned from piracy into bookmakin' on the back of Misty's success.
Then one day, some evil blagards got jealous of 'Misty' and decided that the Maggot racin' industry needed a bit of 'evening up'. They knobbled his maggot feedbag, with a strange toxic stew made of fisheads...YArrr!!
The next day, ole Misty wuz pronounced dead from toxic shock. We wuz devastated (*sob* *sob* :( :( :()
The Maggot racin' industry wuz never the same and Oi never forgot me Ole friend Misty.
YYYAAARRR I always has me deluxe copy o the board game 'Buccaneer'. I gathers the crew round and we toss to decide who goes first. The crew always lets me win otherwise I gets upset and has the blaggards flogged.
Arrr...
we plays "Pop Up Pirate" fer real. We put some swab in a barrel, and then take turns each in shoving a cutlass through the side of the barrel. The first one to make the swab shriek loses a point, and then it's'is turn in the barrel.
Concentrates me crew's minds splendidly, I tell 'ee.
YYYAAARRR...That be the spirit.
Me and the crew loves a game o Knock down Ginger. It be a bit hard on the ship's cook who appens to have ginger hair, but it keeps the crew amused for hours!
Arrr...
I had to put a stop t' the games o' Hide and Seek after Skinny Wilkins hid in the barrel o' one of the cannons.
Unfortunately, we mounted a raid on a merchant ship in the middle o' a game. Took ages to clean up afterwards.
YYYAARRR...Keep the great suggestions comin...
I be hopin to publish a book 'Things to do on a long voyage' in toim fer Christmas!
If ye go on Aaarrrrrmazon ye'll be able to buy 'Things to do on a long voyage' together with 'Pirgella's Salty Cookery Book' for 2 Dubloons.
YArrrr...
This week we've got our most famous event on the Maggot Racing carnival comin up. It's called the 'Blowfly Handicap'.
A maggot can win the race if he can pupate, hatch out of his cacoon, then fly across the finish line at the other end of the ship.
You should see those little blighters metamorphose. I've got me dubloon on a wee ripper maggot called 'Maggie May'. A fine filly with alot of potential.
YArrrrr...Oi loves me deckside entertainment!
YYYAAARRR I has come up with a way of improvin efficiency durin a Long Voyage. To get round the tedium of feedin and waterin me crew, I fits each of me crew with a special back back. There be two tubes comin out, one feeds em rum and t'other feeds em Fish Head Stew. By the end o the voyage they all looks loik Capn Cronan on a bad day, but ther be plenty o leisure toim for the Captain!
Yaaaaaaaarrrr!! If it be a long voyage ye could practisse navigatin ::)
YYYAARRR...Looks loik I'd better come up with some ideas soon, seeing as I be on trial agin! I can't see no defence fer that joke what I told!!! ;D
YArrrr...
P'raps it's yer cooking enterprises on trial again.
I'd better buy in 'The Complete Works o Shakespeare'...if they transported me to Australia last toim, I could be on my way to Mars this toim!
Arrr...
we was wilin' away a bit o' time on the arcade games. It cheers us up no end laughin' at Bart's scores on "Snake".
YYYYAAARRRR ye be referrin to the Slug Speed thar Spot me hearty...Of course I lets me poor crippled 6 year old cabin boy do that bit o the game...
Python be the speed fer real Buccaneers! :devil:
Harrr... empty words there matey. We all knows that ye can rack up points quick at Python speed. It all be over in a flash (ahem).
But ye Slugge Speede requires a great deal o' cunnin' an forward plannin. That's why ye'll always be second.
Sound of gauntlet being hurled to the floor
YYYAARRRRRR...I can take that comin from a Skilled Mariner like yerself. I'll ne'r forget the toim yer crew cast ye adrift in an open boat (for the thirtieth toim last year), with a thousand miles of open ocean between yerself and land. Not daunted ye skillfully piloted yer tiny vessel round t'other side o ship when they weren't lookin, climbed up the side and murdered the lot of em!
Now where's me cabin boy!!!!!!
Arrr, I remembers that. Trouble was, there was another mutiny on the rowboat before we rounded the ship. I 'ad to put that one down first.
Rule number one of being cast adrift in an open boat...always make sure you've got the top score on Snake Slug Speed first...YYYYAARRRR!
Bein' adrift on an open boat 'as problems as far as entertainment goes.
I remembers the last time me crew set me adrift (last week) an it were just me an' me cabin boy in the boat. We tried to keep ourselves entertained with a game o' I-Spy.
Trouble was, it got dull quick. Me cabin boy said "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with S."
"Sea"
"Right. Your go."
"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B."
"Boat."
"Right. Your go."
I spy with my little eye, something beginning with S."
"Sea"
"Right. Your go."
'Twere the only time in me life that I wished I 'ad a Monopoly board.
YArrrr...
That is unless you've got Big Ron on board, where I hear the letter 'F' gets a bit of a werke out...YArrr!
Quote from: The Black Spot on January 31, 2007, 01:05:39 AM
I remembers the last time me crew set me adrift (last week) an it were just me an' me cabin boy in the boat.
Shiverin cuttlefish Black Spot ye be gettin soft in yer old age...are ye expectin us to believe ye were all alone in a small boat with yer cabin boy and ye weren't tempted to eat im?!!
If I lay becalmed somewhere and the Tortugean Weather Agency tells me that it will last for a while, I let the crew start the thorough cleaning.
First step: divide the crew in groups of three and let them keelhaul each other in turn. During each haul the hauled has to break some of the barnacles from the hull or cut the seaweed. To get them motivated: that will be their only food for the day (given the cook's expertise, that would be motivating even if they could eat the regular stuff from the galley).
Second step will be told next time
YYYAAARRRR...I remembers one fateful voyage where The Big Brenda lay becalmed of the Dry Tortuga's and I gave me crew leave to do some sun bathin.
The scurvy blaggards all started to strip off in front o me...the sight were so terrible and the stench were so great even the bilge rats jumped ship! I still ave nightmares about it!
Arrrr...
It were a bit boring in the Sargasso Sea, so as me new first mate were an educated man, we decided to 'ave a game o' scrabble.
I thought for a few minutes, and put down "OKE".
"What does that mean?" sez the first mate.
"ye ignorant swab!" I sez. "Tis what the ship's made of. Don't ye know anything about wood?"
The bosun frowned and put down "BUREAUX" - two double letter scores, a triple word score an' fifty points for usin' all seven.
"Arrr, what be that? I thinks you made it up" sez I.
"Not at all Captain," sez he. "It's a plural - a form of writing desk. Made of OKE." He looked at me slyly, but I let it pass.
I had some right crap letters in me tray. After about ten minutes I put down "FOKS".
"What does that mean?" sez the first mate.
"Don't ye know nuffin'?" I sez to 'im. "It be an orange dog thing that lives in 'oles. We 'ad one fer supper last week."
The first mate took 'is turn "CARRION"- Double word score an' 50 points.
"Avast!" sez I. "That be two words yer blaggard!"
"Not at all Captain" sez the first mate. "I understand that a FOKS is quite partial to it."
I were sure 'ee were cheating, so I thought I would see what 'appened next. I put down "BILJRAT".
"Ha!" I sez. "Triple word score an fifty points!"
"No Captain, that's two words. Well it's one badly--"
That were enough. I kicked the table up in the air an' rounded on the cheatin' bastid. I dragged him onto the deck and called for the bosun.
"Bosun," I sez. "Give this scurvy swindlin' swine twenty lashes of the cat!" I turned to the first mate. "You hear that? Yer gettin' the cat. K-A-T cat!"
'Ee were a rum character that First Mate. First time I ever saw anyone smile durin' a floggin'.
If you've ever made the mistake o lookin up Black Bart's Pirate Articles you'll no doubt ave been orrified at the strictness o me regime and the tight discipline o me ship's company. However, I has mellowed with the passing o time and urine and I has decoided to change article 6:
"No boy or woman to be allowed amongst them. If any man shall be found seducing any of the latter sex and carrying her to sea in disguise he shall suffer death."
This article shall now read:
6. "No boy or woman to be allowed amongst them. If any man shall be found seducin any of the latter sex and carrying her to sea in disguise he shall suffer death, unless he hides her in the Captain's Cabin.
Tis always an idea to keep a well stocked bar at sea. When things get a bit borin' me an me officers 'ave an Alphabetical Binge.
Ye starts off wi' a mugfull o' an "A" drink (absinthe will do) then a "B" drink (Brasso fer example) and keep goin' an see 'ow far yer can get.
If yer fergets what letter comes next, or ye can't think of a drink, ye has to start again from the beginning (which 'appens quite often wi' the bunch o' illiterates I has).
Arrr, we lost three days once gettin' up to "L".
On one very long excursion to the far flung corners of the Oceans I suggested a game of 'Legs'. A simple game, ye just has to spot an animal and ye score the number o legs what the critter's got eg: Seagull = 2.
Bilge Rat = 4
Weevil = ...I'll ave to look that one up!
Ships Cat = 3 (he lost one when the gunner dropped a canon ball on im!)
Squid = 8
Crab = 8 (no lookin down yer trousers ye swabs, that don't count!)
YYYAAARRR the game was goin well, and I was winnin, when all of a sudden the First Mate shouts out: "Kraken off the Port bow!"
'GGGGAARRRR', sais I, '32 legs and a rare creature bonus of 25...You win yer swab...
Oh and...ABANDON SHIP!!!!'
Arrrr...
Once, on a trip to the antipodes, I decided to write me autobiography.
I sat at me desk, sharpened me quill, an started to write.
Now what should I be calling it? I decided against the title "King o' whole World an Everyone an Everything In It" as some people might think it a bit big headed, so I decided on "A Hero's Life: The Legend of The Black Spot". That be seemin' much more modest like.
"Chapter One," I wrote.
I racked me brains. What were the earliest thing I could remember? Were it settin' fire to the school? Perhaps it were when I led a boardin' party to take next door's tree house? No, it were that doctor I kicked in the knackers. 'Twere his fault fer 'olding me upside down an' smackin' me arse when I weren't expectin' it.
I continued to write, an I were astounded by the body count that were bein' racked up. 'Undreds o' them, an I were only on page 12.
I decided t' stop at this point. If a prosecuter got 'old of this, 'twould be the longest suicide note in history.
FER SHAME OF ALL OF YER!!
Wastin' yer time at games an' such, when yer puir old' muvvers are sittin' at the Old Biddy's Rest Home with nary a letter from their theivin' sons!!
When was th' last toime ye took yer auld mam a wee bit o' the bounty of yer work?? Did ye visit her on yer last trip to Portsmouth?? NAAAH, o' course ye didn't. Ye know th' address, you mangy dogs...it's where ye send th' money fer them to keep yer mam from comin' to th' docks to make ye clean yer ship and neaten up yer berth!!
Oi wants evver man jack o' ye to promise to write yer Mum once a month, or so help me, Our Mum will make me bring them to th' docks ter visit ye, AND stop off at the Admiral Benbow fer a toddy.
Ye have been warned!!
Dear Mam
Oi be on a long voyage an be spendin me time makin yer a foine coffin from the scrags o wood wot floats past owr ship.
Lord Lord Lord Treadmill-TopSon Cap'n
ps. me wooolly jumper wot ye sent bin eeten by a bilge rat. dont send more. the bilge rate be gettin too fat.
Quote from: Sibling Chatty on April 29, 2007, 07:59:50 PM
FER SHAME OF ALL OF YER!!
Wastin' yer time at games an' such, when yer puir old' muvvers are sittin' at the Old Biddy's Rest Home with nary a letter from their theivin' sons!!
When was th' last toime ye took yer auld mam a wee bit o' the bounty of yer work?? Did ye visit her on yer last trip to Portsmouth?? NAAAH, o' course ye didn't. Ye know th' address, you mangy dogs...it's where ye send th' money fer them to keep yer mam from comin' to th' docks to make ye clean yer ship and neaten up yer berth!!
Oi wants evver man jack o' ye to promise to write yer Mum once a month, or so help me, Our Mum will make me bring them to th' docks ter visit ye, AND stop off at the Admiral Benbow fer a toddy.
Ye have been warned!!
AARRRRRR, That be good advice...an I remembers wot Chatty did to the blaggards wot did not heed er words, so ere goes:
Writin a letter to yer mammy on a Long Voyage:
Dear Mammy
I opes the Aztecs ave been a treatin yer well. I be callin in to see yer soon cos I has a spent all the Gold wot I got from sellin ye to said Aztecs. I'll be bringin Uncle Joe...I don't suppose I will get much fer im but they may be short of a sacrificial victim.
Can ye send me another parcel o socks made of Alpaca wool, they keeps me 5 tootsies noice n warm.
Nothin much ta report, no mutinies this month, could be down to the extra floggins I has been dishin out or it could be down to the extra Fishe Heade Stewe rashions.
That be all fer now,
Your hever hasfectionate boy
Black Bart
ps: I won an Eye Patch
pps I found the Holy Grail
YARRRRrrrrrrRR...I take ta messin about wid alla booze...mixin dem togedder an sees wot happen...the rum and baileys wid dem wee ice bergs dun a guud wun uh tells ye.....
onna long voyij i pway wiff me marbullz .
That be a bolde-phased lye, NefYoo. We awl nose ye dun lost yer marrrghbulls.
nup nup nup anty pon .
i has wun weff !
WANNA SE ET !?!
Ai sai, shold we be encouraging this sort of behaviour?
Mrs Whitehouse wold not be impressed.
Unfortunately Mrs Whitehouse is dead.
Ai did wonder at the drop in standards. Binge drinking and nudity, dontcher know. Never happened in my day, Ai'll tell you. That sort of behaviour at School got you caned, and holding a hot buttered muffin in yer posterior cheeks while quaffing a gallon of porter. And woe betide you if you dropped it, or forgot the words to the unofficial anthem. Those sixth form fellas could play rough, Ai sai.
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
sumtyms i lik to pway
stik tha pegleg on tha nappy tym pierat
onna lon voyij i pway wiff tha bilj ratz !
Is that a skiffle band? Or a ska outfit?
onna lon voyij i karrv stuff all o'er tha shup !
mosly i krarv me noime on stuff !
ta let dem noe i wuz tharre
an sumtoimes i krarv pikturs !
Arrrgh, ye shood tayke hup scrimshaw, to divversify yer porrrtfoleyo, loike. Ye can't hex speck thee waddermillin blud marrrket to 'old ferevver...
onna lon voyij i swing in tha riggins !
YArrrr...
Oi here's that Mrs Palmer and Knuckles O' Shuflle are often presnt on a long voyage. No idea why!
Never hear of them. Assume that's because they are always away on long voyages ;)