Cantankerous Old Arse-Hat's Book of Carp

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

The Bureau of Silly Scams?

[anthrobabe]

I always shoot back a link to SNOPES if the forwarded item is garbagola ----- sigh-- I think it is starting to get through to some people -- but sadly not all

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

  Can't help but grin.

Dear American:

    I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

    I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

    I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

    This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

    Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

    Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

(UPDATE: I didn't write this. It was sent to me by a friend and is making the rounds)

[anthrobabe]

What is really bad

that almost could be a real one.......

I think W 'imself could have written this line-  I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.
except it would be magnaturd

[Darlica]

I don't get those  "send this to three hundred people you love in ten minutes or you'll die!" spams any more.
A limited amount of people have my current e-mail address, and at some time or another, I have clearly stated my view on chain-letters, lists of "wise ideas" (unless they are their own of cause) and "funny" power-point presentations to these people if they don't happen to all ready share my view, that is.



An update on the Julia case...
She did call to day but L took the call this time. And she was indeed a telemarketer calling to persuade him to change internet provider.

I guess I'll just have to launch my plans on another poor unsuspecting telemarketer then...

[Pachyderm]

*puts on Arse-hat*

Save the Children phoned me today.

We'd like to tell you about >>>>>>>>>>>, she lives in Africa. Her son is ill, and STC want to give him some supplement called Pulpy Nut or some such.

Please could you set up a direct debit for.........


Fuck right off. If I choose to give to a charity, it will be my decision as to which  I support. Calling me has ensured that yours will not be one of them.

*hands back Arse-hat*

[pieces o nine]

I think W 'imself could have written this line-  I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.
except it would be magnaturd

Get with the program, AB: he's the Magnaturdinator!

[Opsa]

We likes the snopes, we does.

*puts on Arse-hat*

Save the Children phoned me today.

We'd like to tell you about >>>>>>>>>>>, she lives in Africa. Her son is ill, and STC want to give him some supplement called Pulpy Nut or some such.

Please could you set up a direct debit for.........


Fuck right off. If I choose to give to a charity, it will be my decision as to which  I support. Calling me has ensured that yours will not be one of them.

*hands back Arse-hat*

Good for you! That just reeks of a scam. You should contact Save the Children and tell them that you got that call. If it wasn't them they can send out an all-points bulletin. If it was, it'll illustrate to them how badly the call was received.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

*puts on Arse-hat*

Save the Children phoned me today.

We'd like to tell you about >>>>>>>>>>>, she lives in Africa. Her son is ill, and STC want to give him some supplement called Pulpy Nut or some such.

Please could you set up a direct debit for.........


Fuck right off. If I choose to give to a charity, it will be my decision as to which  I support. Calling me has ensured that yours will not be one of them.

*hands back Arse-hat*

To my knowledge, STC never, ever cold-calls people for money.  (I could be wrong, but...) It seriously sounds like a scam.

On the other hand?  Anything that discredits STC is a GOOD thing....those pukes are an evil bunch....google the disbursment of funds percentage of them.... something like $0.10/dollar is all that gets to the final charity...

*bleah*

( did always find it amusing, whenever they ran their high-$$ ads featuring a rather overweight person pleading for food.....!  "why don'cha skip a meal or 5 today, Sally?  What you appear to have crammed down would likely feed a dozen of those starving kids you're whining about....." apparently, they finally realized this, and pulled her ads....... )

[Aggie]

I am a cantankerous old arse-hat about anyone who uses 'the children' (or whitecoat seal pups for that matter) as a plea-point for charity.  They DO grow up into adults you know, and adults feel pain/hunger/sadness quite as much as children do.

OTOH, I applaud charitable efforts that actually seek to help children from difficult backgrounds escape their circumstances and (hopefully) gain the ability to make a difference as adults; the documentary "Born into Brothels" comes to mind.

[anthrobabe]

*puts on Arse-hat*

Save the Children phoned me today.

We'd like to tell you about >>>>>>>>>>>, she lives in Africa. Her son is ill, and STC want to give him some supplement called Pulpy Nut or some such.

Please could you set up a direct debit for.........


Fuck right off. If I choose to give to a charity, it will be my decision as to which  I support. Calling me has ensured that yours will not be one of them.

*hands back Arse-hat*

Pulpy Nut?
Honey that was either Black Bart or one of his 'employees' trying to scam you--- pulpy nut? Oh god where that could go......

GOOD FOR YOU!

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

First of all, I hate chaine letters. But I do not receive as many as I used to. But I received one that I keep for fun. Here it is:

Enjoy...

Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who Kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography website will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" e-mail to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalogue! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 AD and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down) Make a wish!!! Really, go on and make one!!! Oh, please, they'll never sleep with YOU!!! Wish something else!!! Not THAT, you pervert!! STOP!!!! Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, it is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes: *Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

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Chain Letter Type 2 Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!

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Chain Letter Type 3 Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897.This is absolutely incredible because there was no e-mail then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you!!!! Queer Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!! Queer Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!! Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be OK.

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Chain Letter Type 4: As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends. Friends A friend is someone who is always at your side, -A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop, -A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly, -A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, -A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry out your loser life, -A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs. -A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry that's the cleaning lady, -A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by wild mutts.

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There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes and forward it. Thanks! Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e., the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen)or nervous (i.e., Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of turds) just delete it. Do yourself a favour, and say "#$@%CHAIN LETTERS!!" Cheers!

[Griffin NoName]

Preponderance of Goat. How odd. Is Goat actually responsible for all chain emails? What exactly is he up to on Facebook?

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

Writing angry chain letters?

[pieces o nine]

Kiyoodle: I loved it.

I used to get very annoyed with people who sent chain letters, especially the ones that have been around since (some wildly improbable) year, circled the globe (!) at least (some wildly improbable) number of times, and been passed on -- copied exactly! -- yet somehow picked up these little anecdotes and horror story testimonials like barnacles along the way.

I did some math once to calculate how many people must have read and passed on one obnoxious chain letter, and my calculator burst into flames. OK, not really. But it gave up with an ERROR before I got to the exponential chainage in Year One of its sorry life. Sorry, not enough people in history  to cover the claims if that one. But it entertained my co-workers (although I suspected some of them of sending the anonymous mailed ones I received after that, just to wind me up).


My perennial favorite is St. Paul's Chain Letter To The Corinthians.

1.The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians. With love all things are possible. This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter - providing you in turn send it on.

2.This is no joke. Send copies to whomsoever among the Gentiles or superstitious peoples of other denominations you would comfort in all their tribulation. Do not send material things. Love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.

3.While visiting the household of Stephanas, a Macedonian proconsul received the epistle and was greeted by his brethren by a holy kiss. But he broke the chain, and now he is become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal.

4.Gaius bestowed all his goods to feed the poor, and gave his body to be burned, but it profited him nothing. He failed to circulate the letter. However, before his death, he received the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.

5.Do note the following: Crispus had the gift of prophecy, and understood all mysteries, and all knowledge, and had all faith, so that he could remove mountains. But he forgot that the epistle had to leave his hands within 96 hours, and now he is nothing.

6.In AD 37, the epistle was received by a young Galatian woman who put it aside to copy and send out later. She was plagued by various problems: thrice she was beaten with rods, once she was stoned, and thrice suffered shipwreck. On the last day of these occasions, she spent a night and day in the deep. Finally, she copied the letter. A trumpet sounded, and she was raised incorruptible.

7.Remember: Believeth all things, hopeth all things. The chain never faileth.

St. Paul

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I also received a fantastic "chain letter" card after a breakup. The premise was: (1) add your name to the bottom of the list; (2) send your old man to the name at the top of the list and then delete her name from the list; (3) copy and send the chain to (four) friends who were also tired of their men, within the week.

[EDIT]  Within a couple weeks, you are supposed to receive 1,237  [some silly number like that; can't remember exactly]  men in the mail, one of whom is bound  to be better thn the one you sent off.  [/EDIT]

The card warned me DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN or I would receive my old man back within two weeks!!!