Long Winded Stories of the Ocean

[Black Bart]

The cabin boy's tale

Arrrrr, this be a true tale if me name's not Wee Willy the cabin boy.

Twere many a year ago I wuz Walktheplank's cabin boy on a long voyage to the Indies. The crew were an unhappy bunch. Having sailed with Cap'n Plank before, they did nothin but grumble about his wigs taking up more room in the hold than the vittles, grog and treasure.

For my own part I found Cap'n Plank to be a hard but fair Captain. While tis true he thrashed me within an inch o my life for steelin a weevily biscuit, and I spent long sections of the voyage scrubbin his wigs clean, but he were loik a second daddy to me (marginally worse than me first daddy wot I'd left behind in the 'debtors prison for murdering psycopaths' in Portsmouth).

Then one noight the Cap'n gathered the entire crew together on the deck. Ha ha, I thought, we'll ave some rum and sea shanties to elp pass the stormy night.

But as I looked around I could see that the crew looked restless, in fact I've never seen a more worried group of men. I asked the First mate what everyone was lookin so miserable about. 'Ye gods,' said the man, 'don't ye know what's comin...the Captain's goin ta...Oh may Neptune preserve us...he's goin ta make us listen to one of his Sea farin Tales!!!'

Bein a newcomer I looked bemused...what could be so awful about being told a story?...

There was the sound of prayers being whispered...and then he began...

There were groans from the crew as Walktheplank began his Tale. About two minutes into the prologue, four of the men jumped overboard and another took out his pistol and shot himself.

This was one of Cap'n Planks longer tales and by the conclusion, four hours later, the crew was completely decimated. Only the First mate, who lay, writhing at full length upon the deck and myself remained alive.

There is no doubt that but for a fortunate incident earlier in the voyage, where a cannon had backfired rendering me profoundly deaf, I would have also succumbed to the agonies of this experience.

As for Captain Planky...when he had finished the devestating performance of his oratory, he looked up from his parchment and gazed at the carnage on deck....'Yaaarrrgh', he said, 'That went down well for a change'.

[Aphos]

Yarr.  A long winded tale about a long winded tale.  Sorta meta-tale, Oi s'pose.

[Black Bart]

Arrrr...ye be blindin me wiv science matey...but did it make ye larf...or is it only me what finds Calico Jack's wigs so amusin?

[Griffin NoName]

It be a sad day wen a poor Cap'n gets larfed at fer 'is wigs. Especial like wen 'e lost 'is hair in such a sad way as be told o' in the Continuous Briny Fable...... now that be truly long-winded.

[Black Bart]

Perhaps we should do a survey on what sort of Long Winded Tale the good punters of The Admiral Benbow really want:

a. Tales about wigs and other accessories.

b. Tales about sea monsters, sharks and hamsters

c. Tales about love on the High Seas (too much loik the Onedin Line if ye arsks me)

d. Tales about buried treasure and wallets

e. Tales about Cap'n Cronan

f. Tales about Fish Head Stew consumption on a sliding scale with or without any mention of Pirgella's wobbly blancmanges

g. Tales about murderin cutthroats and the type of underwear they favour

h. All of the above

b (cant remember what comes arter h). No tales for me I'm still learnin to read and write 'X'. 

[pieces o nine]

Peraps the lack o' henthusiastic responses hindicates that the uvver pyrates be board wif yer lLong Winded Tales. Bein new to Portsmouth, oi aven't lost me tolerance yet, as long as the mead keeps coming.

So oi''ll vote for:
b. Tales about sea monsters, sharks and hamsters
d. Tales about buried treasure and wallets

If ye could concoct a Long Winded Tale wot contained bof seas monsters, sharks or hamsters and buried treasure or wallets oi think ye'd ave a shot at the Long John Llewellyn Rhys Proize.


Pirate Scrip: wot comes after 'h' be "oi'.

[Griffin NoName]

No wun replied cos we all know Black Bart wer tryin' ter cheat in The Admiral Benbow Quizzy Nighte by gettin' us ter tell 'im wot be the best sort o' Long Winded Tayle.

Oi am guessin' ye av'n't got the full measure o' Black Bart's dasterdlynessishness yet !

[Black Bart]

Damn yer eyes...ye be a smart un and no mistake...

I WILL get one o those questuns right if it kills me!

[Black Bart]

I'm a Pirate and I aint ashamed of it. But the day I walked into Portsmouth I could tell it was a bad town with a black heart. As I walked up the high street a dog came running out The Admiral Benbow Inn with a man's hand clenched in it's teeth! Still had a tankard of grog clutched in the dead podgy fingers!

I've seen plenty of bad things in my day so I walked into that Inn with my hand poised on my pistol. As I walked through the door, everything seemed to stop, including the music (some wretched old soak had been singin a tuneless rendition of 'Pirgella.') I took in the scene through my cruelest narrow eyed stare. The blackest lookin rogues this side of hell stared back at me and the whole place stank of trouble, grog and bad pies!

I walked up to the bar and ordered some grog. It wasn't long before the bartender was telling me about the town's two feuding gangs. On one side there was the Black Spot's gang , known as 'Black's Seven' and on the other the 'El Rollos' a band of Spanish cutthroats who smoked Camberwell Carrots.

An idea came to me like a Flash of Gold in a Buccaneer's teeth. I could play the two gangs against each other, clean up the town and earn myself some booty in the process. I thanked the bartender for the information. He seemed like a decent enough kind of guy and I guessed there were other decent people living in this hell hole. I took a room upstairs.

The next day I introduced myself to the infamous Black Spot, offering my services as a hired gun. The wily Old Bastard was suspicious but I was introduced to the other members of Black's Seven: Black Bart, the cook (offered me some foul smellin stew), Calico Jack, the barber (I figured he cut a lot more than hair), Dave ( I asked him if he had another name but he said he was The Man with No Name except Dave), The Griffin with No Name (Torture and Extortion), Pieces O'Nine (money laundering expert), and Cap'n Bluenose (explosive peg legs expert).

'We has a job for you', said The Black Spot, 'we wants you to kidnap Mayor Liversausage.' Do this and we'll cut ye in for a slice of our action.

Now kidnapping aint my game, but on this occasion it turned out the Mayor was used to being chained up in a dark room...some might even say he enjoyed it! With Liversausage trussed up like a sack of potatoes, I delivered the ransom note to the Town Hall. 5,000 Cronans, Liversausage must be a pretty important guy and his people duly payed up. With the money being left in a bag on a ship in the docks, all I had to do now was let the El Rollos know and then sit back and watch the fireworks.

To be continued.

[Black Bart]

Captain Bungo and The Lost Library of Los Windos

Many years after the Spanish Conquistador Hernan Cortez had wiped the Aztec Empire off the map we sailed to South America in search of Eldorado.

The Captain's Log

Day 12

Jungle to the left, swamps to the right, men falling to the left and right, some from poisoned darts but most from the worst case of the shits I've ever seen...we should never have eaten those fishy Tacos!

How did Cortez do it?

Day 14

Discovered the skeleton of an old conquistador which seemed to be pointing the way to Eldorado with it's bony outstretched arm. A sign sticking out of the skeleton's teeth read:

'This way to The Land that Time forgot...Don't eat the fishy tacos or the gristle sandwiches.'


Day 16

At last we emerged from the terrible jungle onto a plateau. Here we found an amazing 'land that time forgot.' The villagers had never seen a white man and it was clear they had the blood of Montezuma running in their veins...as unfortunately did most of my men after eating those tacos!

Day 17

The villagers offered us a day trip to Cancun including lunch and all the cocktails we could drink. The men were up for it but I reminded them we had come for GOLD and Riches beyond our wildest dreams!

Day 18

I cannot understand why Cortez treated this people with such cruelty, they are wonderful hosts and have promised to show us their secret temple...which surely must be where they keep the GOLD!

Day 19

The villagers put on a display of exotic nude dancing. The grace and elegance of the dance was only matched by the flowing silky hair...all down their backs, none on their heads.

I asked chief Tescoquetzaltaco: "Are the women as graceful?"

Tescoquetzaltaco: "These ARE the women. They are bald so they can wear 'The Wigs of the great god Walkatoplanktl Tomorrow we will wear the sacred wigs."

"That's lovely" said I, "when can we see the GOLD...er...the secret temple?"

Tescoquetzaltaco: Tomorrow.

That night I could hardly sleep...tomorrow we would get the Gold! Why oh why did Cortez destroy this wonderful civilization?

Day 20

Chief Tescoquetzaltaco led us up into the mountains. The villagers were all bedecked with the most outlandish wigs I've ever seen. The procession came to a halt high above the village and there, set into the living rock, were two Great doors carved with elaborate Aztec figures. With the sounding of a great Aztec horn and by some mechanism unseen, the huge doors opened.

"Behold the Temple of Walkatoplanktl cried the chief. "We have saved all this from the murderous hands of the Spanish invaders."

"Marvelous." said I, and the men and I rushed in to grab the Gold.

Inside the mountain was a fantastic hall, with stone pillars and galleries, lit by huge torches. I could see no gold but on the walls were rank after rank of stone shelves covered in countless thousands of books.

I couldn't believe it, the legends were true...we had found 'The Lost Library of Los Windos'...

I picked up one of the books and began reading:

...Fernando vowed to escape and crept on to the deck having sighted an Island in the distance. However, he fell over a large object on the floor it was Spot himself who had gorged himself on Rum. Spot woke up enraged and threw poor Fernando overboard there and then. Surrounded by Sharks Fernando thought his number was up but before they could attack him a small blue dolphin appeared and suddenly the sharks scattered. The dolphin made a sign for Fernando to get on its back and he was carried to the Island he had spotted earlier...

Luckily, the chief roused me from my sudden torpor...

"small blue frickin dolphin!"

I turned to Tescoquetzaltacky and asked: "How many more of these books have you got on these shelves?" and he replied "150,000 all written by the hand of the great god Walkatoplanktl"

I turned to my men and said "Kill them, kill them all...and burn the frickin library to the ground!"

Day 43

Our search for the Gold continued, although we now do a nice line in exotic wigs.

[Black Bart]

We be over run by moggies on Verganza, so I wrote this:

The White Cat of Portsmouth

A couple of centuries or more ago, around the time of The Black Death, Portsmouth was plagued by rats coming of the sailing ships which arrived from all over the world.

As the ships in earlier times could be at sea for months at a time, most of them carried one or more cats to keep down rodents and preserve their cargo. One particular cat called Tiggywinks, who was as white as driven snow, was known as one of the best in the business; consequently he was much in demand and voyaged the world over — Europe, Asia, the Americas and the Caribbean: even to Australia. His was such an important job, and he was so good at it, that it became his privilege to be fed from the captain's table — which of course tended to have the choicest food.

But as the globetrotting feline grew old, had used up most of his nine lives and was becoming weary of fierce storms, heavy seas and foreign ports, he was looking forward to an easier life. He wanted to leave the sea and retire to live with his last captain, old man Morgan, in comfortable retirement.

But there was one more journey to make — to take a Captain Cronan and a number of passengers, including a number of vagrants from a nearby House of Correction, to Ireland. It should have been a routine voyage; but the weather was bad and as the ship prepared to cast off an old crone shouted from the docks: 'Beware ye who sail with The White Cat, for I have seen a vision of a shipwreck where all souls perish and a white cat clings to the mast...at least it looked like a white cat, I've been on the Brasso again so it could ave been anything really...but yer all DOOOMED, DOOOOOOOOMED!"

Tiggywinks was scared by the storm and, being used to the good life, went to seek solace at Captain Cronan's table...

The ship was never seen again, it foundered and all aboard her perished in a terrible storm in the Irish Sea. I say all perished but Captain Cronan turned up safely in Ireland where he went to visit his long lost relatives The Cronans of Craggy Island. Some say it was Cronan who nailed the ship's cat to the mast for months later a piece of mast with a cat nailed to it washed up in Portsmouth harbour.

According to legend, the spirit of the ship's cat wanders Portsmouth Dock, frightening the rats and searching for Captain Cronan.

[Griffin NoName]

Not sure that tale is long winded enough for this thread.

[Black Bart]

Aaaargh...I can't bleedin win!!!!!

[DaveL]

O'ill go get the stocks ready again!

[Black Bart]

Aye...it be Griffin's turn...I'll go an get me rotten tomartoes ready!

I bet Shakespeare never had this trouble!