Holiday Eating Tips.

[ivor]

I have some tips for holiday eating here.  Please add yours! 

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if  you see carrots, leave immediately.  Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare.  In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now.  So drink up!  Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?  It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk.  If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert -- Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.  Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!

[Black Bart]

Tip: Don't forget to bury your nuts.


That one's for squirrels.

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

The best tip of all came from Homer Simpson's inner child:

(points to mouth) "Food goes in here."


It sure does.

Edit:

Also (and a bit more seriously): when you're at the various parties, shindigs, dinners and assorted hoopla this season, PLEASE remember that if you are asked "how do you take your coffee?" (or "how do you take your tea?", if you're in the UK), the appropriate response is "orally".

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

But, I LIKE carrots! 
Especially with BlueCheese dip!

Mmmmmmm--- cheese-dip*


_____________________

* obscure comic-book reference

[Aggie]

Just wondering if Sibling Carl gets the same case of the giggles that I do when the Season of Indulgence approaches.  I intend to pursue it mightily!

Here's one of my Boxing Day classics:

Turkey Sammich Recipe (for leftovers):

-Place a slice of bread (preferrably whole wheat) in a bowl; spread with gravy.
-Spread mashed potato on the bread; spread with gravy.
-Distribute stuffing on top of potato; spread with gravy.
-Place sliced turkey on top of stuffing and add cranberry sauce on top of turkey; spread with gravy.
-Place remaining leftovers in layers on sammich (perogies, yams, brussel sprouts or other vegetables, anything else).  IMPORTANT:  Spread gravy between layers.  Cheese sauce may be added to vegetables if available.
-Top with a slice of bread.  Place a large dollop of gravy on top of bread.
-Microwave sammich for 3-5 minutes on High Power.
-Top with a sliced pickle.  Enjoy!

[beagle]

Don't forget Miss Piggy's advice. "Never eat more at one sitting than you can lift".

[Sibling Chatty]

And NEVER eat anything bigger than your head.

Somewhere I have a photo of me, in wedding dress, placing my brides cake(s) on the table, holding the center tiers (a 20 and a 16 inch) while my brothers are holding up a Miss Piggy poster that says the above, and offering me a fork.

I'm womanhandling 65 pounds of damn cake, they're cracking jokes.

[Black Bart]

If Dave L's Santacidal plans go well...there could be Reindeer sausages on the menu!

[Opsa]

My 8 year old was just given her first chocolate advent calendar by her Grandma and went ahead and ate all the chocolate in it. She very highly recommends this to anyone with a chocolate advent calendar.

[anthrobabe]

BUMP!

Oh my goodness what one does find in the basements around here.

Eating all the chocolate in the advent calender hopefully has become an Opsalett tradition-- very smart kiddo there.

Candy Canes--- all candy canes-- try and suck on the end until you get the sharpest point possible- like poke your stupid little brothers eye out sharp.

Black olives-- or green if unstuffed-- stick one on the end of each finger before eating them one by yummy one--  do not let your mother see you-- pretend you are 10 years old again-- roll your eyes at any other adult who dares give you a look- they are just jealous of your mastery of fun.

[Opsa]

Why thank you, 'Babe ol pal.

And while we're back on the subject- take as much of the cheese platter as you can fit on your plate. Stacking is allowed. You think anyone else is going to save you any of that baked Brie with almonds? Don't kid yourself. Take it all. Never mind the crackers. They're just for show. If you're sneaky you may put a leaf of lettuce over the evidence.

A wise Toadfish also lines his/her pockets with plastic or foil for additional cheese wedges. This spare stash can come in handy when one has the munchies on the way home from said party, and can sometimes be a fun surprise on your way to the New Year's Bash the following week.

[Pachyderm]

Connect a series of straws together, and run this up the length of your sleeve. Stand, all innocent, near the bowl of punch. Siphon off as much as you want.


Did this at a fancy dress party, with clear plastic straws and a coloured curly one coming up from the collar. Was dressed as a Secret Service Agent.


NB, wait until people are sufficiently lubricated before attempting this, it works better later in the proceedings.

[Aggie]

A wise Toadfish also lines his/her pockets with plastic or foil for additional cheese wedges. This spare stash can come in handy when one has the munchies on the way home from said party, and can sometimes be a fun surprise on your way to the New Year's Bash the following week.

Cheese doesn't travel so well... but if I had a dollar for every time I woke up with cookies in my jacket pocket after a Christmas party...  I could buy more cookies!

Connect a series of straws together, and run this up the length of your sleeve. Stand, all innocent, near the bowl of punch. Siphon off as much as you want

Hmm... a clear piece of vinyl tubing might work better.  But PLEASE pull the straw out before you stop sipping!

[anthrobabe]

I like the straw idea!

Be sure and get several cousins in on this next one----
As you arrive at you latest family get together
saunter casually in and
spot Aunt Mary's chocolate pies (in a pinch coconut will do)
stand a look out (yes you will have to share but there is more than one pie)
snitch pies
proceed out the nearest door with said pies to get away vehicle (yet another cousin to share with but that is the nature of it)
drive to the barn/next street/another cousins house/secluded location
EAT PIES!!!!!! do not share with late comers- they are loosers and should have thought of it first. If they threaten to tattle then simply tell them that if they do you will hold them down and give them wet willys and they won't get any next year either.

My darling Aunt Mary died a few years ago--- no one can do them like her-- real cooked chocolate filling (not pudding from a box) and meringue.

[Opsa]

 
For your Aunt Mary and her chocolate pies.

Do you have her recipe?