Ahh, bless....

[Pachyderm]

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history   
tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th   
and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two   
teachers over a period of three years. Read carefully for   
grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling.   


Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.   
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.   
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.   

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies   
who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert.   
The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have   
to live elsewhere.   

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made   
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.   
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He   
died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.   

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.   
He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the   
bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.   

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them   
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth   
is a young female moth.   

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving   
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose   
of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his   
career suffered a dramatic decline.   

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled   
biscuits, and threw the java.   

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of   
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he   
was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you,   
Brutus."   

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a   
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all   
shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a   
long while.   

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg   
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important   
invention was the circulation of blood.   

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper   
which was very dangerous to all his men.   

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shake-   
speare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his   
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only   
because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and   
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.   


Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented   
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin   
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin   
discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also   
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He   
was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still   
dead.   

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's   
Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which   
he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the   
slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.   

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater   
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving   
picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes   
Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's   
career.   

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had   
a large number of children. In between he practiced on an   
old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from   
1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in   
the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half   
Italian, and half English. He was very large.   

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts   
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and   
started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam-   
boat caused a network of rivers to spring up.   

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the   
Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had   
trials to see if it was really true.   

Madman Curie discovered radio.  She was the first woman to do   
what she did. Other women have become scientists since her   
but they didn't get to find radios because they were already   
taken.   

[Griffin NoName]

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had   
a large number of children. In between he practiced on an   
old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from   
1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in   
the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half   
Italian, and half English. He was very large.   

<snip>

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the   
Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had   
trials to see if it was really true.   

These two get my vote.

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

Donkey-hote

That list is pure gold. 

[Swatopluk]

Sorry, I believe those teachers must have embellished some of those. Some misspellings are a bit too "convenient".
Mark Twain also had a collection of those.
One I remember (from the "define this word" section) was:
Guerilla warfare: When people rode to war on gorillas.
---
I also loved that Donkey Hote (that one I can believe!)

[Aggie]

Ayuh, especially this one...

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made   
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.   
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He   
died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it. 

I highly doubt they've heard of Canada.

Joking aside, I disbelieve that Sunday Schools in Ohio (or elsewhere) teach about Darwin, Queen Elisabeth and Madame Curie.  The biblical ones fit the premise.

Good for a chuckle, though.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

I strongly suspect that list was an amalgam of both Sunday School and public school teachers' collections.

But the items were gems...I literally laughed out loud.

Still chuckling, and wiping the tears from my eyes, which are not all from allergies.

[Darlica]

I'm not sure if to laugh or be very very afraid.

[pieces o nine]

:sings:  I believe the children are the fixture...

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

I hve another one example of children assignments, I have found a few days ago:



Last week, I asked my students to write a few sentences about the ocean as a warm-up exercise for learning. The results I recieved were...interesting, to say the least. Here are the best of the bunch:

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5. A dolphin breaths through an ass hole on the top of its head. (Billy age

6. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8. I like mermaids They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9. I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age

13. On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her ass. (Jule age 7)