The Saga of the Riding Lawnmower

[pieces o nine]

Because you've all been so good, here's a little story to brighten your day...

It  made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me glad I have sworn to *never* mow a lawn!

So, V was up at the crack of dawn today to do some serious rummage damage (suburb/-wide garage sale today) and returned just as I was getting ready for work, to announce the purchase of a riding lawn mower. (She is *actively* planning to remove almost all the sod in the back yard to create landscapamatic flower & shrubbery berms with quaint, winding stone & brick paths amongst them, and already has a lawnmower which works just fine -- except is still needs a bag -- and except you have to push it instead of riding like all the more upperly-crusty neighbors, but I digress...) I was to drive her back to the seller so she could then drive the mower home. I have *exactly* one hour and five minutes to be at work at this point, and am not ready yet. It would never occur to me to... but I digress.

So we're driving around one of the typical US sub-divisions (all cul-de-sacs and mini mc-mansions and overly winding streets so you can't see more than 3 houses ahead) and she can't quite remember where the house is.  Driving... driving... driving... okaaaaaaay...

Now we're at a house! But wait -- it's a *different* sale! Money is handed over for other purchases bid on earlier and they are stashed next to other great finds in the cargo hold, additional neighborly garage sale small talk is commenced, leisurely walking around is done looking at more cute objets du crappe. pieces begins to radiate tension. Oh! Look at this here! Do you need one of these? No. One of these? No. One of these? NO.

And we're off again! Finally at the mower house, handing over money for it, more neighborly, we've got all damn day just to stand around discussing the relative merits of this or that thing-a-ma-jig friendly small talk. Oh! Look at this here! Do you need one of these? No. One of these? No. One of these? NO. pieces radiates extreme tension, returns to car, and starts engine. Housemate cheerily announces she will race me on the mower.

I get home and set a new land-speed record for getting ready for work. In the distance I hear the sounds of someone doing motocross with a lawnmower. Try to block it out. Suddenly an ... odd ... noise, *quite* nearby, then... silence. I attempt to grab my purse and keys and escape like Papillon, but no luck. V heads me off to announce she has had "an accident".

I determine that she is not injured and follow her out to see what happened. It appears that she approached the rather abrupt graded curve that leads to back yard (and walk-out basement) at an imprudent rate of speed and DROVE THE LAWNMOWER OFF THE EDGE OF A RETAINING WALL, taking out the ENTIRE TOP ROW of heavy, ornamental concrete blocks with a combination of spinning tires and the blade housing itself. Lawnmower is now BETWEEN ONE AND THREE FEET LOWER than (depending on position along what remains of) the retaining wall, aimed at one of MY WINDOWS, and more or less stopped abruptly against the fence to the next drop down of the back yard. Oh yeah, baby, SHE ALMOST DROVE THAT SUCKER RIGHT INTO MY ROOM. To fully appreciate the scene, picture that the terrace section the mower has stopped on is  *not* very much larger than the mower itself, and her new plan is for me to help her push it back up a narrow neck of lawn that rises, steeply, along the retaining wall to meet the neighbor's yard, where she will... um... do... something else... that I decide I really don't need to know about at this point.

So V is reassembling the retaining wall to clear a path to push this monster backwards and putting it into "free wheel" (or so she claims; this is the person who, back in college, once demonstrated her gun-ho 'Now I'm safe from criminals out here on the range!' handgun skills to me after flamboyently clicking the safety 'off' -- but when nothing happened I checked it to discover she had clicked the safety 'on'), but I digress again. So we're pushing on the mower like fellaheen during Pyramid Building Season and getting NO WHERE. Oh! Maybe there are some blocks missing from the restored retaining wall. Could they be... WEDGED UNDER THE MOWER? Why yes, they could, indeed. So now she's flailing her arm around under there in this tiny landing with too-little maneuvering space and I back away while decisively *refusing* to have any more to do with this. (I do not have the stomach --nor the time-- to hold her arm in a wet, ice-packed towel and drive her to the hospital to get it sewn back on, if this goes pear-shaped.)

But-- not to worry, she's freed the block wedged under there somewhere and it's HEAVE! FELLAHEEN, HEAVE! The mower begins its ponderous, backwards journey up this stupid strip of sod and... IT'S UP!   Yays.  Now she's hopped back on (still in her FLIP FLOPS) and is attempting to start the engine and leave the neighbor's back yard to go... somewhere... (our back yard is completely fenced off for the dogs and the gate is not installed yet). No, don't ask. Really, trust me on this. Let's just say that the cost of finishing the fence to the HOA Holy Rules and install the Approved Gate (for such items as lawnmowers) almost exactly equals what has just been diverted to... a riding lawnmower.

The mower coughs pitifully, like a machine that was EXHIBITION-DRIVEN OFF A CLIFF ONTO A PILE OF RETAINING WALL RUBBLE, and I do not stick around to see what other excitement may yet be in store. I LEAP into my car (quickly checking first that she hasn't unloaded a pile of crap RIGHT BEHIND it, because the odds would normally be high for *that* sort of 'oops -- aren't I funny'). And I'm off! I hyper-alertly drive the full posted 75 interstate MPH, even after speed limit drops to 65, then to 55, pretty much *daring* the Ticket Gods to alert some helpful passing State Patrol Officer. I feel like a daring criminal!!! I park (carefully) in my normal spot and sprint into work, clocking in with ONE MINUTE AND THIRTY TWO SECONDS TO SPARE!

So, when I got home tonight I noticed a riding lawn mower wedged in front of her car in the garage (in all honesty, I half-way expected it to be parked in *my* spot with a friendly request, 'would I mind parking outside for awhile until she finds a place to put it', because that would also be par for the course, *especially*  as we were in the midst of driving rainstorms and PING PONG BALL-SIZED HAIL all evening). The house was completely dark and suspiciously silent, so I will have to wait until tomorrow to hear the full saga of Gettin' The Ridin' Lawnmower Back Into Our Yard and Maneuverin' It Into The Garage, You Betcha. I have to be at work early tomorrow; I'll have to sneak out fast to get away!...

I guess it's true that friends are the people who know all about you but (for sometimes inexplicable reasons) like you anyway. And, as any true friend would, the next time she goes off on someone who's down something differently than she would, and is therefore stupid because of it, and bitterly laments that she is the only goddamn person on the goddamn planet who shows any goddamn sense, I'm going to say, "COFF! ...riding lawn mower.... COFF!"   

In fact, I *may* refer to it on more than one occasion...

                    

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

I see someone cursed you with "interesting times" again...

[Griffin NoName]

What was that film about the guy who drove his lawn mower across America to visit his brother? I recommend it.

EDIT OH Yes, The Straight Story.

[Opsa]

What a wonderfully told story! "...like fellaheen during Pyramid Building Season..." priceless! Oh Pieces, you really have a way with words. 

[Darlica]

I love your little stories Pieces!
How you have managed to lose your temper on V by now is a mystery to me, you're a much better person than I am.

I see someone cursed you with "interesting times" again...

Indeed

[pieces o nine]

I love your little stories Pieces!
How you have managed to lose your temper on V by now is a mystery to me, you're a much better person than I am.

Thanks; I'm glad you-all have enjoyed the read.

As far as patience with V, the discerning reader will note that I have yet to relate any amusing little stories about *me* told from *her* perspective...   

[Griffin NoName]

As far as patience with V, the discerning reader will note that I have yet to relate any amusing little stories about *me* told from *her* perspective...   

Ah! The two-way relationship. One-way is so much easier. Although, apparently we homo sapiens outlasted the neanderthals by sharing information which they didn't seem to be able to do (according to documentary I watched yesterday).

[Swatopluk]

I always thought the Neanderthals were working feverishly on inventing the machine gun when they were overrun by our ancestors using primitive but functional clubs. Moral: they should have been less ambitious and concentrated on simple bolt action (or bold action as Plan B) instead.

[Darlica]

Ah! The two-way relationship. One-way is so much easier. Although, apparently we homo sapiens outlasted the Neanderthals by sharing information which they didn't seem to be able to do (according to documentary I watched yesterday).

That seems odd, the Neanderthals not sharing information I mean...
Of cause it all comes down to how one defines "information" and "sharing"
Most animals can share information with other individuals of the same spices.

They can warn others about dangers and they can express mood and even direct other to a certain food source.

Of cause the Neanderthals didn't wrote things down but neither did Homo Sapiens for a very long time.
It was said that the Neanderthals wasn't able to speak because they lack the tongue bone, well, now we know that they did had that bone (our nearest primate relatives lack it) but the bone looks a little bit different than ours, and since they had the equipment for it they probably has some sort of spoken language...
IMHO what we do know that they didn't speak like we do, but mind you, we don't know how the Cro-Magnon people sounded either.
We don't know if the Neanderthals drew rudimentary maps in the sand et.al because the sand has moved, millenniums have past what once was is no more.

Just because we, at the moment, can't understand how the Neanderthals communicated doesn't mean they didn't.
H*ll even bees communicates no reason a big animal intelligent enough to create tools and bury their dead would not be able to share information! 


[ end/:offtopic:]
Steps down from soap box

   

[Griffin NoName]

:offtopc:

I always thought the Neanderthals were working feverishly on inventing the machine gun when they were overrun by our ancestors using primitive but functional clubs.

Both h.sapiens and neanderthals used spears. The neanderthals were big and heavy and best used at close quarters, ours were thinner and best thrown from a distance. We also invented a launching mechanism for them, which made them faster and more effective, possibly a forerunner to the machine gun.

That seems odd, the Neanderthals not sharing information I mean...
Of cause it all comes down to how one defines "information" and "sharing"

Apparently h.sapiens spread news of inventions across big distances (geographical) so they caught on like wildfire, but ideas stayed within the small groups neanderthals lived in and so didn't catch on across the whole European population.