New and improved Noah story

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

I wrote this last month, and was reminded of it, today.  Thought you'd enjoy a bit'o sarcastic fun.  I really didn't know where to put this, but it is kind of snarky, so...

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But Wait! I have an even BETTER plan, regarding Noah's Story.

Since murdering a person pretty much is usurping his free will anyway, here's the New And Improved Noah's Story:

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God: "Noah! We Need To Talk."

Noah: "Okay, God, what's this all about, anyway? If it's about last night, I can explain---"

God: "Nevermindaboutthat! I Have Decided. I Am Going To Destroy The World!"

Noah: "Destroy the---wait, what? You just built it only two thousand years ago...!"

God: "Oh, I Know. And It Is Barely Paid For. But People Have Become Evil: I Wish To Start Again."

Noah: <gulp> "Even me, Lord? Have I not slaughtered enough virgin animals?"

God: "Oh, Noah, Noah, Noah: Your Slaughter Is Most Pleasing To Me, So Obviously, You Will Be Spared. But, Nobody Else!"

God: "What about me sons? They helped with the raising and the killing, after all."

God: "Oh, Okay-- Including Your Sons."

Noah: "And the missus? Hard to make more sons without a misses."

God: "True. Okay-- The Missus Too."

Noah: "How about me son's wives? They aren't **that** bad."

God: "Okay-- But No More! I Will Destroy All The Rest--By Drowning."

Noah: "Okay. That's an excellent plan, I'm sure. But won't all the animals drown too? And the plants? What about barley and hopps? You canna make good beer without those. And I have a fresh crop of baby animals I was plannin' on sacrificing to you, Oh Lord-- what about those?"

God: "You Have A Point. So, What To Do, Then? Make Some Sort Of Boat?"

Noah: "Well, a big boat does sound like a really good idea, but how about this: since you're planning on drowing'em anyhow, why not just CHANGE everyone?"

God: <intrigued> "Hmmm. Keep Talking."

Noah: "I know free will is a big thing with you, but drowning someone is pretty much against their free will anyhow, right?"

God: "Right. I Think I See Where You Are Going."

Noah: "I mean, why not just Fix the problem, instead of washing it under the carpet, so to speak? You could simply change all the minds of the adults into good, decent people-- sure, they'd not have free will but so what? This way, they would raise their kids to be good, instead of evil, and you'd not have to drown the babies, too. Then, when the time was right, you simply kill the adults without free will, say from a nice disease or old age or somethin'."

God: "Okay. I Like That Plan. I Had Not Thought About The Drowning Babies. Good."

Noah: "And no mess to clean up for afters, either."

God: "True. Okay-- Let It Be So."

-----

And so it was. And all the world lived Happily Ever After.

[Swatopluk]

I always wondered why no one else used existing boats to survive the flood. People at the time already undertook long sea journeys and one would expect some to have just started on a voyage when the rain started, so they would have been well provisioned.
In the Sumerian/Babylonian version the gods took extra precaution to fool mankind, so no one took precautions. Also their Noah quickly turned his reed house into a ship. Those would not sink even if full of water and it could be done more quickly (and less conspicuous) than going for wood.

[Opsa]

I like your version, Bob. I like that Noah has a better idea than God, and God doesn't get pissed off at him for it. Sounds like the good ol' FSM, mellow and fallible, and reasonable. The way God ought to be.

It always befuddles me to wonder why people expect God to be perfect. Why? What else is perfect in this world? What the heck IS perfection, anyway? It seems like rather a Pie-in-the-Sky expectation to me.

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

I like it very much, and it makes far more sense that way.

[pieces o nine]

"This *is* nice," said God, as he and Noah enjoyed a peaceful day at the lake one weekend. "Good suggestion on not destroying the world."

"Nice? It's the only thing," said Noah, as he leaned forward for his stroke. "Believe me, my divine friend, there is nothing -- absolutely nothing -- half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats."






With apologies to both Bob and Kenneth Grahame.   

[Swatopluk]

People still discuss, whether God haggled in good faith with Abra(ha)m before the Sodom and Gomorrah affair.
I am not aware of any other case in the Bible where God got into any similar discussion.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

People still discuss, whether God haggled in good faith with Abra(ha)m before the Sodom and Gomorrah affair.
I am not aware of any other case in the Bible where God got into any similar discussion.

Moses.  When god calls him out, Moses complains he cannot speak well, and god capitulates and allows Moses a spokesperson.  That's haggling, in my book-- god *should* have foreseen Moses' issues with public speaking ahead of time.  Omniscient, remember? 

Obviously, an omniscient god pretty much wipes out free will anyhow, but there you go.

[Opsa]

"This *is* nice," said God, as he and Noah enjoyed a peaceful day at the lake one weekend. "Good suggestion on not destroying the world."

"Nice? It's the only thing," said Noah, as he leaned forward for his stroke. "Believe me, my divine friend, there is nothing -- absolutely nothing -- half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats."



With apologies to both Bob and Kenneth Grahame.   

I am LOVING THIS!  I do hope they had cold chicken sandwiches for lunch.

[Aggie]

People still discuss, whether God haggled in good faith with Abra(ha)m before the Sodom and Gomorrah affair.
I am not aware of any other case in the Bible where God got into any similar discussion.

Moses.  When god calls him out, Moses complains he cannot speak well, and god capitulates and allows Moses a spokesperson.  That's haggling, in my book-- god *should* have foreseen Moses' issues with public speaking ahead of

Jacob - they do some wrasslin' even:

Genesis 32:22-32 (New International Version)

Jacob Wrestles With God
22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
      But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

27 The man asked him, "What is your name?"
      "Jacob," he answered.

28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, [a] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
      But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,  saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

[Swatopluk]

I wouldn't call that haggling. And since God isntigates the wrestling in the dark, this seems like a set-up.

[Aggie]

The blessing bit, not the wrestling.

[Opsa]

I think the story needs more lady wrestlers. And maybe a pit of lime Jell-o. And Johnny Depp. Without a shirt.

[pieces o nine]

LAAAAADIEEES  AAAYANNND  GENNNNNTLEMENNNNN

Welcome to WRESTLEMANIA BC!!!!!

Iyinnnnn the North corner, wearing white samite, with innnnnfinite weight, innnnnfinite height, innnnnfinite age and innnnnnfinite strength, iyisssss...The Allllmiiiiightyyyyy Innnnnefffffabllllle!


* spontaneous hosannas from the crowd *


Diiiiirectly across from HIM, iyinnnnn the South corner, wearing linen with the corners of his beard not rounded, in peak fighting condition at 5-foot-6 and 135 pounds, the "Rebel from Beth-el", Jaaaaaacob ben Isssssraeeeeelllll!


* wild cheering from Jacob's supporters and a smattering of boos from Edward's Esau's fans *


Squaaaaring off against them, iyinnnnn the East corner, sporting a steel reinforced corset,

[Opsa]

...it's it's that mean, lean madonna of mean, Mahem Mary, and her angelic band of Jell-o wrestling nude female putti- the winged warriors!