Cap'n Cronin's Ship Trip - Portsmouth's Own Reality TV Show

[Griffin NoName]

Calling for competitors in the new prime time TV Reality Show, Cap'n Cronin's Ship Trip.

Please submit the reasons why you would make a suitable candidate for this show.

Selections will be at the discretion of the Producer, Big Reg. (Big Ron's bruvver).

All voyagers will need to be fit and ready for anything. No contact with the outside world will be possible during the Trip.

Every week one passenger will be voted out and dumped overboard. The last remaining passenger will get to meet Cap'n Cronin imself!!!

Votes may be registered by any Portsmouth citizen by the dedicated premium phone line. All proceeds will be distributed at the discretion of Big Reg.

Don't miss the oportunity of a lifetime. Start writing now !!!!!!

[Black Bart]

Dear Big Reg

I think I would be an excellent candidate for the Cap'n Cronan Ship Trip.  My vital statistics are 94-125-94 and I love children, animals and grog...but not necessarily in that order.

Yours Sincerely

Big Brenda

[Griffin NoName]

Thanks for writing in Big Brenda. We will confirm your successful entry if we can persuade the ship carpenter to create a wide enough suitable berth.

[DaveL]

Dear Reg,

Oi'm a bit concerned that a few of me on board antics involvin' wimmens clothing may expose a side of me that the Portmouth public is unaware of.

Can yer keep the CCTV cameras out of me private quarters?

Thanks a bundle!

Your privately,

Capn DaveL

PS Can you elaborate on the reward and immunity challenges which will take place on the ship?

[Calico Jack]

I think I be a very good contestent on yer show.

I be an excellent cook an will be bringing me finest bangers on to the ship an will be happy to do all the cooking on the show.

Please call me agent to let me know when yer would like me to come aboard.

Yours

Big Ron

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cap'n DaveL

This be a Reality show. Ther be no private quarters. There jest be ther Berthin Room fer sleepin, an ther wont be much o that Oi can tell yer.

As fer reward and immunity, Oi's not suwer wot ye meen. There'll be the Insanity Ward and The Mutiny Locker ? Is that wot ye be on abowt?

Yours

Big Reg

-------------------------------------------

Dear Big Ron

Ther be no food alloud brung on board. Ye'll get wot yer given. Big Bother, oo be in charge of the Trip, will be electin cooks as e sees fit fer each meel. If ther be meels. Nothin as bin finalised yet.

Yours

Big Reg

[DaveL]

As fer reward and immunity, Oi's not suwer wot ye meen. There'll be the Insanity Ward and The Mutiny Locker ? Is that wot ye be on abowt?

YArrr, that be the silly challenges they have on that bloomin CBS reality show 'Surviv-arghhh'. A contestant gets voted off the island each time his tribe loses a challenge.

Oi can see comin' up with challenges in confined quarters should be quoite a hoot.

I vote for the followin challenges:

1. Team weevil racing;
2. Catch the cockroach competition;
3. Team pillaging;
4. Tag team 'Maison del amour' competition...

yarr the list is endless!

[Griffin NoName]

Arrr Cap'n DaveL, ye think team werk will werk wiv this crew on booward?

[Black Bart]

Dear Big Reg

I've noticed these reality shows usually as a politician on board.  Who can forget the mad antics of 'Georgie Straits o Galloway (minister for bad underwear) on the last reality TV voyage. I would love to be on the show...if I can escape from me kidnappers before they chops off any more o me bits!

Yours Hopefully

Ken Liversausage (Mayor o Portsmouth and perpetual kidnap victim)

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Ken Lovasossage

Ye has a berth reserved. It be a bit on the small side as it be the next one ter Big Brenda's. But yer wont be spendin much toime ther so it shuld do yer. Big Bother says pleeze bring yer own bowl.

Big Reg

[The Black Spot]

Dear Big Reg

I has a question to ask -- in all innocence mind -- about yer guests.

'Ow much ransom do ye reckon someone could get by kidnapping all these 'ere celebrities? I only ask 'coz me an' a couple o' me crew were discussin' all the terrible kidnappings that 'ave bin goin' on lately.

It occurred to me someone else that all these people in one place could be worth a bob or two. If ye were that way inclined o' course - which I ain't. So it purely be an interlectal conversation. Nuffin else. Promise.

Yours,

Anonymous.

p.s. With yer reply, could ye kindly send me the exact coordinates o' where the ship will be on Sunday mornin' at 4 a.m. I'll  cut yer in  be very grateful.

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Anonymous

If yer rite in agen wiv your co-ordinayets we will reply.

Yours

Samantha
Sekertary ter Big Reg
Signed in the absence of Big Reg

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRR...will there be a diary (or Capn's Log) room onboard the ship?  Arter bein all nice an pally to everyone, ye goes in the secret diary room an slags em all off to yer hearts content!

[Calico Jack]

Dear Big Reg

yarrgh I be a little concerned about yer reality TV show as I av watched some of these programs afore an I notice that all the contestants are totally thick and talk shite all of the time.

Now by Pirate Cap'n standards I be a bit thick an would even get lost in Southampton Water.  However, even I cannot be that stupid all of the time, therefore I be wandering if there is some sort of script that the contestants av to follow so they can be a total idiot all of the time.

If it would help I think Black Bart would be an ideal contestant as e would not need a script.

Thank yer fer yer help.

Calico Jack (Useless) Pirate cap'n

[DaveL]

Dear Big Reg,

O'im offended as I have a patent on the nomenclature 'Big'. To avoid any conflicts wif me trademark range of smallgoods, Oi suggest yer call yerself.

1. Incredibly Large Reg; or
2. Slighly Rotund Reg; or
3. I've had more baked dinners than you've had breaths Reg; or
4. I like a good stout in front of the TV Reg,

Lookin forward to 'putting in' on your show. And I don't mean just an appearance either.

Yours sincerely,

Big Ron^TM