TalkPort - Portsmouth's radio phone in show.

[The Black Spot]

Host: Hello and welcome to the TalkPort DIY hour. Call us with all your DIY problems. You're on the air, line 1.

Caller: Arrr, I has a prisoner in me bilge.

Host: Er...

Caller: An 'ee keeps tryin' to escape.

Host: Well, that sounds rather unsurprising. Now if I can just--

Caller: Ee kept tryin' to run away. So I nailed 'is leg to the wall.

Host: Dear god... You did what!?

Caller: Six inch nail straight through it. Bang! That stopped 'im fer a bit. It were 'is peg leg mind.

Host: Yes, but I don't think I should really--

Caller: But then the blaggard unscrewed it an tried to hop away.

Host: Very interesting, but I don't--

Caller: So I nailed 'is hand to the floor.

Host: It was a hook, wasn't it?

Caller: Aye. But that didn't stop 'im either. Ee undone it and tried t' get away again. So I 'ad to nail 'is head to the wall.

Host: What!

Caller: Aye. I put a big wooden collar round 'is neck an hammered a few big nails through it into the wall. That seems to 'ave stopped 'im.

Host: But why have you phoned me?

Caller: Well, when the ransom's paid an I lets 'im go, 'ow does I fill in all the 'oles in me ship?

[Calico Jack]

Host: Hello and welcome to the TalkPort Quiz, this is when a lucky listener can win a prize by answering questions on their specialist subject, so who do we have on Line 1.

Caller: Arrr, It be me Cap'n Black Bart.

Host: (Whispering) Oh god help me (Loudly) Mr Bart welcome to the show, what is your specialist subject.

Caller: Disasters at Sea, I be an expert on them yer see.

Host: Well noone will dispute that Mr Bart, are you ready for your first question.

Caller: Arrgh get on with it yer blaggard.

Host: OK an easy one to start with, question 1 which famous ship sank when it hit an Iceberg in 1912

Caller: Arrgh that be me first ship yer see, I was hotfooting it across the Atlantic trying to git away from Dave L after I nicked his Treasure Map an I got a bit lost trying ter find Jamaica and hit an iceberg off Greenland.

Host: Oh God, give me strength, it was the Titanic you fool, now next question. Which Argentinian Ship was sunk by The British Navy in 1982.

Caller: Was it them blaggards who sunk me, there was me minding me own business I thought in The Tasman Sea and it turned out I was in The South Atlantic at the time.

Host: You might be the most incompetent buffoon to ever command a ship at sea but I think naval records are correct when they claim to have sunk the Belgrano.

Host: OK, final question before I hang myself in desperation, which Ferry capsised in The North Sea in 1986.

Caller:  Well I was sailing from Hull to Rotterdam when I.....

At this a point a loud choking sound was heard in the studio and the connection was ended.

[Black Bart]

Host: Welcome to TalkPort and we have midshipman Scully on the line, er, he's a pirate, hello...

Scully: AAARRRRR ello, I got a birthday request fer me Cap'n.

Host: Lovely, and who is your Captain?

Scully: AAARRRRR, he be Calico Jack

Host: He must be popular with the crew?

Scully: Nay, the blaggard be about as popular as Scurvy!

Host: Er...I see...go ahead then, what would you have us play for the good Captain, a nice Sea Shanty, a Hornpipe, the Theme from the Onedin Line?

Scully: AAAARRRR, none o them.

Host: OK what'll it be then?

Scully: AAARRRRR, Ave ye got...Black Bart singin 'Pirgella'?

Host: Dear god man...have pitty on the poor man, he can't be that bad...the last time we played that, Ofcom shut us down for 6 months...No,No,No, the worst I can do is Des O'Connor singing 'Old Shep'!

Scully: AAARRRRR, looks like we'll ave to go ahead with the mutiny then!

[Calico Jack]

Host: I know you will all be very excited with this week's guest interview.  In fact there are 4 of them it is the sensational new local rock group Guns n Fish Heads.

The sound of belching and drunken hiccups indicated that the group had arrived in the studio.

Host: Welcome gentlemen,now I am sure the listeners will be interested in how you arrived at your name.

Anchor (Dave L): arrgggh I feel sick, whassa matter with yer.

Host: Your name, how did you choose yer name.

Rigging (Black Spot) urrgghhh, stupid blaggard, we use guns and eat Fish Heads, where's the complimentary Rum we wers promised.

Host: We will provide refreshments later, The Pirate Costumes, I notice you are still wearing all the gear, where did the idea to dress like Pirates come from.

Galley (Black Bart): blistering barnacles yer stupid blaggard we be Pirates that is what we do, what is wrong with yous with these stupid questions.

Host: But surely Piracy is outlawed now

Plank (Calico Jack): Outlawed what yers talking about, I be playing this string thing again, what do they call it.

Host: No, No, please don't play that you are crap going to get some refreshments now.

Anchor: Is it Rum

Host: Er no.

Rigging: Brandy

Host: Nothing like that.

Galley: Whiskey then.

Host: No no.

Plank: A nice tankard of Ale then.

Host: No, we are not allowed to serve alcohol live on air.

Anchor: None at all.

Host: No I am sorry gentlemen

Anchor: Right lads, shoot this blaggard and lets get off to the tavern.

There then followed a loud bang followed by the sound of scraping chairs as the four pirates left the studio leaving the Talk Port presenter in a bloody heap on the floor.

[Black Bart]

Host:  Hello and welcome to TalkPort ...we have a rather irrate caller on line 1, what's yer name caller?

Caller: Bobby's my name ... Your god damn Pirate's have killed my site!

Host:  Now please calm down and explain to the listening public exactly what the problem is...

Bobby:  You know darn well what I'm talkin about you bunch of Cut Throats!  Just try loggin on to verganza will ya!

Host:  Ok, Ok <turns to pc and clicks> Oh yes, I see what you mean...Forum Offline...but what's it got to do with...

Bobby:  Goddam pirates...they came over when we least expected em...overwhelmed our Mods and terrified the young uns...our administrator had a goddam heart attack when he saw 'The Continuous salty Tale'...goddam pornography!

Host:  Well I'm sorry to hear all this..they're normally so well behaved on our site.  They quietly get on with Quests, writing songs, playing football, arcade games...I can't think what's possessed them to carry on in this dreadful manner.

Bobby:  I should never have posted that stupid graph about global warming...bring back the pirates, what was I thinking...and now all my dreams are burned to ashes...why, why, why...<click>

Host:  Well listeners...that was Bobby...hang on there's another caller on line 1...

Pirates:  Cheering and Yarring loudly...what be the next target lads...

Host:  Oh my god...we have unleashed a monster!

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Hello listeners...Midnight Morgan here as well as Mad Will out on  land and sea...

MM Hello !...hello !... hello Mad Will ! ..Can ye hearest me ?!

buzzzzz...zzzzz spizz.....*krack*.....zzz..zzz..bizz....*krack*...zzzz.....

MW Whet ! ...WHUT!!...@#$%& BLAST YE MORGAN ! HOLD DAT $#@% CUP CLOSER TO YE MOUTH YE $#@%&!

MM Sorry there Willum ! is that better ?

MW I ere's ye now Morgan , sorry bout da language , @#$%&! STRING TECKNOLOGY ! Whuts da point Morgan ?  I kin sees ye frum here ...why doan we juss hollar up en doun ?!....Stoopid string dun trip peeple up an den da blastid  birds do dere bidness on em..damn cup puttin a ring mark on da side uff me head ! Stoopid cup !....

MM Sorry to interruptus ye Mad Will , but what is thee word on thee docks ? Where are thee pirates ? How goest thee hunt for Calico Jack ?

MW Well day taint dispeered ..dares wun... an.. anudder ...wun.. dare... an... over ...

MM WILL ! About Jack...!

MW Whet ?... Oh Jack..............................I dont see em .

MM Well.. thankfully that is all thee time for now , until next time we thankest  Mad Will out on land and sea....

[Bluenose]

HOST Well tonight listeners I have a real treat for you, we have in the studio with us the Acting Lieutenant Gommeral of the Portsmouth Alcohol Control Board Mr Ernest Simkins.  Hello Ernest

ES Yesh, 'ello, pleezsh call me Ern

Host OK, Ern.  Can you please give a brief description of the mission of the PACB?

ES Yesh,  we at' ole PACB 'ave the respersp prepensabili reponsabillery ter enshoor the quallery o' all the grog wotz beeeeeiin shelled in Portsshmuff.

HOST Do you conduct much testing?

ES Shirtinly.  We tesht the shtuff all th' toime.  Why i were only teshtin the latesht batch er Cap'n's D Ecksh-oh jesh thish mornin.

HOST That brings me to my next point.  There has been  criticism in the press recently alleging that your department is totally corrupt and that certain local distillers have been bribing your officers to bypass the Portsmouth health regulations.

ES Thash a skirrellus shkullerous dirty lie! Who telt ye that?

HOST But there were photos of deliveries being made to the back entrance of the Board from Portsmouth Pirate Public School Distillery, including one that shows someone who look remarkably like yourself accepting a large brown paper envelope.  What do you say to that?

ES Well, o corsh we tek delivrys owelse are we gunna testem?  That envelope had deetalesh o' the invoices fer all the ingreedients yushed, in accorrens with the regulashuns.

HOST Then how do you account for this 500 Cronin note found on the ground where it had fallen out of the envelope?

ES It a lie I tell ye! 

<Ern whips out his cutlass and holds it to the host's neck>

ES Now wuld ye like ter repeat yer accyusashons agin?

HOST I see where I may have made an error.  Yes.  On reviewing the photos, I can see it clearly is not you receiving that very fat envelope.  In fact I can see that it's not really the back of the PACB at all.  My mistake.  It's been lovely talking with you...

[Griffin NoName]

HOST:  Hello Listeners. Tonight, in celebration of Talk Like A Pirate Day, we have a special programme for you. A couple of years ago Scumsoft farmed out their support phone line to a company on another continent. We are going to see how well it works.

HOST: Hello. Is that Scumsoft?

Scumsoft Support Worker: Who?

HOST: Is that Scumsoft?

Scumsoft Support Worker: You would like to talk with Scumsoft?

HOST: You are Scumsoft aren't you?

Scumsoft Support Worker: No Sir. I am Kevin.

HOST: OK. Well, Kevin. Do you represent Scumsoft?

Scumsoft Support Worker: I am representing Scumsoft. What is your customer number?

HOST: I don't have a customer number. I just have a question to ask.

Scumsoft Support Worker: What is your customer number?

HOST: I only have a question to ask.

Scumsoft Support Worker: You will give me your case number.

HOST: I don't have a number of any kind. I just have a question.

Scumsoft Support Worker: Yes.

HOST: Yes. I have a question.

Scumsoft Support Worker: We can answer your question.

HOST: good.

Scumsoft Support Worker: so, what is your case number?

HOST: look. I. Just. Have. A. Question. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Number.

Scumsoft Support Worker: We can answer your question.

HOST: Why hasn't my contract arrived? Should I have received one?

Scumsoft Support Worker: Give me your case number.

HOST: I don't have a contract. It has not arrived. I don't have a number. If you answer my question perhaps you can find my number.

Scumsoft Support Worker: No. You must give me your contract number. Then I can look at the contract.

HOST: Can I speak to your supervisor?

Scumsoft Support Worker: Yes Sir. I will just be a minute.

<tumblweed>

Scumsoft Support Worker: Sir. Hallo. Are you still there? Yes? Give me your contract number and I will be able to help.

HOST: 

Listeners, Talk Like A Support Line and benefit your local telephone company !!  You know it makes sense.

[The Black Spot]

Host: Welcome to the TalkPort Help Hour. We'll be taking your calls on any subject that you may need assistance with. Hello line 1, you're on the air.

Caller: What be the best way to calm down someone 'oo be all hysterical like?

Host: I suppose you could talk to them quietly and rationally. Convince them that things aren't as bad as they might seem at first.

Caller: I don't think that'll work.

Host: Perhaps you should take them away from the source of their fears.

Caller: A bit difficult, that. We's poured a bottle o' Captain's Delight down 'is neck, an' 'ees still 'ollering.

Host: I'm afraid that you might have to seek professional advice on that one.

Caller: Arrr... Let me put this another way; if someone has the top o' his head stuck in the barrel o' a loaded cannon, what be the best way to release it?

Host: I suppose you could try rubbing butter on it, and try to ease it out.

Caller: Butter? We's had no butter on the ship fer months! Anything else?

Host: Perhaps his head's's become swollen by being trapped. You could try putting some ice on it and see if that reduces the size of it?

Caller: Ice? What does ye think this is? A floatin' knockin' shop?

Host: You could try phoning the Fire Brigade.

Caller: We be at sea, yer idjit.

Host: What about the Coast Guard?

Caller: An' how long's that gunna take?

Host: I don't know... an hour or so?

Caller: I ain't listening to 'im shout fer all that time. Any other ideas?

Host: Perhaps you could warm the barrel up a bit. It might expand enough to let you pull his head out.

Caller: One o' me men's lightin' some wood under it now, the wind's blowing the sparks around a bit.(pause) Hmmm... What be the best way to extinguish a fuse?

Host: Pour water over it?

Caller: This be a proper marine fuse yer blitherin' dunce. Water won't do anything.

Host: Cut it?

Caller: It be a bit short. Difficult t' get a pair o' scissors round it.

Host: Well pull it out then?

Caller: There not be enough left t' get 'old of now. (pause) Hmmm... can ye recommend any heavy duty deck cleaners?

[Black Bart]

Host: Welcome to the TalkPort helpful citizen hour. Today we have special guest 'The Dark Avenger' taking your calls and answering your questions on 'How to become a Superhero'.   So it's over to you Dark Avenger and we have a caller on line 1...it's the Black Spot's Cabin Boy Jim...

Jim: Hello, I have a question for The Dark Avenger.

DA: Hi Jim, you are talking to The Dark Avenger himself, don't be over awed, I'm just a normal chap really, with one or two special powers of course, ha ha ha, but I'm not that different to your pa, ask me anything you like.

Jim: I would like to be a Super Hero like you how do I learn the necessary skills.

DA: Well, now Jim, there's a lot to learn. You have to be very fit of course and brave...fearless infact.  You need to be able to respond to all the emergencies those darstardly Pirates create.  You need courage, resourcefulness, honesty, tenasity and many more of the qualities which I possess.  You need to be able to take everything Portsmouth's neer-do-wells throw at you and come bouncing right back at them.   

But tell me Jim...what makes you think that you can be a Superhero just like me?

Jim: Well...do you want me to be honest?

DA: Of course Jim, tells us what you have in common with me, The Dark Avenger.

Jim: Well...I'm really good at taking it up the ****!

<Click>

[Bruder Cuzzen]

GOOD MARRRRRRRRRNIN' LISTNERS !

It is indeed Midnight Morgan at ye service with Mad Will at land and sea .

I'll be here with you until next bell , this morning Mad Will is attending thee Benbow's  Centennial Poetry Competition.

MM I say Mad Will ! Pick your new phone tankard !

MW BLAST YE MORGAN ! STOP SCREAMING ! Oi kin 'ear ye foine wiff me nu tankard , oi muss say this 'ere noo tecknologee bin much emprooovd !

MM  I do agree with you on that Will . And what do ye likest best about our new equipment and thanks once again to thee grade twos at PPPS fer all their hard pillaging and work setting us up with tankards and copper wire .

MW Well , uh , um , oi loike hows thee tankards holds more brew then them woddie cups , an oi dont get no more splinters on me 'ead an' hanz .

Moss of all thee recepshun be a league bedder .

MM Well said Will , I think . Anyways what do you have for us tonight ?

MW Huh ?

MM Ye be at thee Bendow Willum , reporting on thee Benbow's annual Poetry Fest .

Uh ...Are you there Will ?

MW Dammit Morgan ! Oi tole ye I kin ear ye jus foine !

MM I meant to say , are you at thee Benbow ?

MW Nope .

MM And why not , pray tell ?

MW Oim lookin' fer a beehive .

MM You have me at a disadvantage yet again Will , I imagine our listeners shall find this one just as illuminating as I  , I can scarcely wait to hear about your rather sudden desire for honey .

MW Well , Bartie dun tole me thet he will buy me a barrel ove grog iffen oi go on stage an wax pulledit loike , soze oi be gitten sum fresh wax ta do thee job proper .
Oi swabbed enuff decks in me tyme , an all oi ever git affer wuz thee cat o' nines howeffer weller not oi dun thee job .
Oi recken oi be gitten stung good , that barrel ove grog goan take care ove thet neffer ye mine !

Yup , goan bee wurf it .

HA ! Oi dun tole a punny joke Morgan ! Arrrrrrrrrrrr...........

MM Willum , I believe Bart meant that ... oh ...  well .... it seems we must have pulled thee wire to it's breaking point .

Will must be daft if he thinks Bart is going to honour his word on this one and if he does ,
I wager that barrel be a miniature one from a scaled down model ship !

I shall say goodnight and good luck to Will however unlikely , but for you , dear listeners  , I shall be back with thee latest piece from a new artist .

A young man by thee name of Beethoven , after a word from our sponsors .

[nefyuBB]

allo?

ALLO !?

aaaaaaaaaaaallooooooooooooooo