TalkPort - Portsmouth's radio phone in show.

[The Black Spot]

Host: Welcome back, and in this half of the progamme, I'm joined by Mr Tribbs from Portsmouth council. Hello line 5, you're through to Talkport.

Caller: Arrrr, can I speak to that Tribbs bloke?

Host: Yes he's right here. What would you like to ask him?

Caller: It be about the mayor's latest kidnapping. Has ye any clues as to where 'ee is?

Mr Tribbs: No it's a shocking affair. I'm afraid we have no idea at all where he is.

Caller: Ye mean no-one has any idea at all?

Mr Tribbs: I'm sorry to say it, but it's a complete mystery.

Caller: Harrr! I'll be puttin' the ransom up then. <click>

[Griffin NoName]

Host: Mr Tribbs from Portsmouth council will take another call. Hello line 2, you're through to Talkport.

Caller: Arrrr, can I speak to that Tribbs bloke?

Host: Yes he's right here. What would you like to ask him?

Caller: Will he be funding Portsmouth Gamblers Anonymous?

Mr Tribbs: No. Gambling is good for the local economy.

Caller: How does the council intend to house those who lose everything at the new casino?

Mr Tribbs: I believe there are a number of opportunties on several well known ships who regularly dock in the Harbour.

Host: Thank you Caller. We'll move on to the next call now.

[Black Bart]

Caller: AAARRR...When will ye be doin:

'Marooned on a Desert Island Disks?'

I has had a lot o toim ta think o me selection!

"Friday...Friday...I've told ye before, leave the goats alone!"

[Calico Jack]

Host: Welcome back, and it is now time for my weekly quiz and the prize this week is a splendid sailing vessel. Who is on Line 1.

Caller: Arrrrgggghhhh yer thievin blaggard

Host: Hello Sir for the benefit of our listeners can you give us your name please.

Caller: Me name is Spot and youse pinched me ship an I be coming to git yer and I'll be aving yer head on the end of a pole.

Host: Hello Mr Spot we didn't know it was your ship you see, you can have it back and we'll forget about the quiz, OK.

Caller: yer lousy yeller blaggard, I am on me way to yer radio statun and I'll be slicing yer in alf.

Host: Help, someone out there please help me, Mummy where are you (click)

[Bluenose]

...click...  No!  I didn't mean it!  You can't do that.  Please, I have a wife and kids to support!  No.  Please don't.  I'l do anthi

Blood curdling scream

[Black Bart]

Blaggard's gone and done in our top Radio DJ and personality!!!!!!! We'll ave to find a replacement quick!

There be only one thing for it...pass me the phone...

"Hello, is that Mr Henry Kelly."

[The Black Spot]

Host:  Good morning line 4, you're through to TalkPort.

Caller:  Arrr... Be that Henry Kelly?

Host:  No, I'm Jason 'JJ' Jawache. What would you like to talk about?

Caller:  Where be that 'Enry Kelly bloke then?

Host:  We're not actually certain, however we've been told that he'll be here very soon.

Caller:  'Ees not there then?

Host:  No.

Caller:  Bin blown up 'as 'ee?

Host:  No!

Caller:  Hung then?

Host:  No!

Caller:  Arrr, filleted with a cutlass were 'ee?

Host:  No!

Caller:  'Ead smashed in wi' a rock?

Host:  No!

Caller:  Lead pipe?

Host:  No!

Caller:  Strangled wi' piano wire?

Host:  No!

Caller:  Guts pulled out wi' a hook?

Host:  No!

Caller:  Pointy stick shoved up 'is jacksie?

Host:  No!

Caller:  Arrrr, well I ain't run into 'im over the last few days then. <click>

[Calico Jack]

Host: Welcome to our weekly slot where I'll be having a well known Portsmouth personality on the show and you can call in to ask your questions.

Host: OK, I would like to welcome Pirate Cap'n Dave L to the show.  So Dave L what have you been up to this week.

Dave L: Arrggh yer scurvy blaggard, do the navy listen to yer radio program.

Host: I wouldn't think so, we don't do the shipping forecast on this show.

Dave L: In that case I was off Plymouth an we spied a French merchant vessel an we chased it all the way across the Bay of Biscay til we captured it, an then we murdered all on board except the chef.

Host: Why did you spare the chef.

Dave L: Well it was a French Chef, so e cooks good fayre.  I created a vacancy for a chef by throwing me old chef to the sharks.

Host: OK that is err very interesting, lets have some callers on to speak to Dave L. Who is on Line 1.

Caller 1: This is Brenda here, get your lazy butt back to yer ship and do something about that chef. The crew don't like all this fancy food, Snails and Frog Legs what is all that about, you are going to have a mutiny soon yer useless blaggard.

Dave L: Yes dear, I am on my way.

Host: OK, well Dave L has had to leave but next week's guest should be interesting Bustling Brian with some DIY tips.

[DaveL]

Host: And now a very special guest, it be none other than Tiddles the Cat. Welcome to Talkport Tiddles!

Tiddles: Meeeeeoowww

Host: So Tiddles, can you tell us in 'non-Satan-ese', what you've been up to of late.

Tiddles: Well since I stole Capn Dave's Arggh 9000, I've been plundering merchant shippin' in the Sargasso Sea.

Host: And is is true that your ship is manned by Bilge Rats, with a blood lust.

Tiddles: Indeed, it's part of their on board training. But, I'll be sending me new recruits to see Principal Cullinane for more refined pursuits.

Host: And how's your music career been progressin'. I heard 'Tiddles and the Hellcats' had an awesome gig at Argghh-stock. 

Tiddles: Well unfortunately, we came on just after Big Ron's explosive performance. The crowd were a bit asphyxiated, but once they gained their breath they seemed to enjoy it. But I've been too busy plundering to play since. Perhaps we'll do a gig while we are in town.

Host: So is there any rumour that you have Welsh ancestory?

Tiddles: YArrr, untrue. It's a Bart conspiracy. Not worth losing sleep over. Byddan nhw ddim ond yn cysgu pan fydd angen

Host: Well Tiddles...erm...thanks for coming on the show.

Tiddles: Coda i'n gynnar fory/wna i godi'n gynnar fory

Host: Nice to hear it!

Tiddles: Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg

Host: *sound of microphone being disconnected*

[Black Bart]

Later that day on TalkPort...

Hello line 1, we have a caller...

Meeeeeoowwww...Have you got any Harry Seacombe Records?

[The Black Spot]

Host:  Welcome back, and in this part of the show you're invited to phone in to consult Cyril Shadow, our resident psychic. Line 1 you're on the air.

Caller:  'Ello? Is that Henry Kelly?

Host:  No. Line 2 you're through to TalkPort.

Caller:  Arrr, is that psychic bloke there?

Cyril Shadow:  Hello, how can I help?

Caller:  I hast a bit o' a problem with me crew.

Cyril Shadow:  Yes, I can sense a great uncertainty in your life.

Caller:  One o' them's bin thievin' from me treasure. It be either me bosun or me quartermaster. I ain't sure yet.

Cyril Shadow:  I sense a time of indecision for you. The spirits also tell me you are troubled by a close colleague.

Caller:  But I ain't 'aving it you see. It stops ternight.

Cyril Shadow:  Your vibrations indicate a difficult decision to be made.

Caller:  So ternight, one o' them gets their throat cut. I needs you to tell me which one.

Cyril Shadow:  Your aura...eh?

Caller:  I don't want to do both o' them. They be useful men. Just tell me which one it is and I'll be off.

Cyril Shadow:  I can't do that!

Caller:  Yer psychic ain't yer?

Cyril Shadow:  Of course, but you can't ask me to...

Caller:  Arrr, I understand. Don't want to tip 'im off do ye? Ye can tell me face to face then.

Cyril Shadow:  But you can't possibly...

Caller:  I know you're better than that other psychic bloke. 'Ee were just a fraud. I 'ad three suspects at first, an' 'ee told it were me cook. So, I done the cook in an' the thievin' still carried on. So I sliced the psychic's head off wi' me cutlass. 'Ee didn't predict that, did 'ee?

Cyril Shadow:  Now look - can't you...

Caller:  Anyways, I'm in the lobby outside, usin' one o' the pay-phones. I'll be there in a moment.

Cyril Shadow:  Help! Get me out of here! Someone! I - oh dear god, the door's opening! <sound of running followed by breaking window glass>

Host:  Well Cyril's had to leave early this afternoon, so we'll take your calls on any subject. Line 3 you're on the air.

Caller:  Is that Henry Kelly?

Host:  No. <click>

[Black Bart]

Host:  Welcome to the TalkPort Request hotline, we have a caller on line 1...

Caller:  (Ghostly cracked whispering voice) 'Ello? Have you got anything by Take the Lot?

Host: Never heard of em mate...try again...

Caller: Ave ye got anything by Westward Ho Life?

Host: Don't you mean West Life?

Caller: Are they a boy band?

Host: Oh no...it's Capn Cronan again isn't it...look I've told you before we can't play Boy Band music on TalkPort...the last time you got us to play a CabinBoyZone record it caused a full scale riot in the Admiral Benbow! Ask for a nice Sea Shanty or something nautical...

Cronan: AAARRRGH...how about Uptown Wench
...by All Points West Life?

Host: <Click>

[Calico Jack]

Host:  Welcome to the TalkPort Hotline, This is the section of the show, where we answer listeners problems. Who is on Line 2

Caller:  I as a Treasure map.

Host: Interesting, What is your name

Caller: I is rather not say.

Host: Hmm you sound familiar, anyway this map, is the Treasure still there

Caller: arrghh it be that, this be a new map

Host: Well, why don't you go and find the treasure

Caller: I don't know where the place on the map is but I hope yer listeners can help me. I as a ship ready ter sail at dawn.

Host: OK, you need to provide us with a few clues.

Caller: It is on an Island

Host: That's Original

Caller: There'll be lots of sand and palm trees

Host: Sigh

Caller: There'll be a big X in the middle of the map

Host: Oh Bollocks, it can't be, it is...

Caller: ...Next to the big X is some words that sez Treasure is ere loike

Host: Dad will you get off the line, I am fed up with your wind ups.<click>

[The Black Spot]

Host:  Hello, you're through to TalkPort

Caller:  Mmmmphh, gnnnnfff ... ahhh!

Host:  Hello?

Caller:  It's the mayor - I'm...

Host:  Well caller, I'm afraid that the mayor isn't with us tonight. There was that dreadful kidnapping incident.

Caller:  No! It's me! I haven't got long-- phone the police!

Host:  Won't do any good I'm afraid, Caller. The police have no idea where the mayor's being held. What would you like to talk about?

Caller:  It's the mayor!

Host:  Yes, dreadful isn't it?

Caller:  Will you listen! Quick! I can hear footsteps coming up the stairs!

Host:  Well it's the bottom of the hour; stay on the line caller, we'll be back to you after the commercial break.

[Black Bart]

Host: Begorrah we've got a caller on line 1...Top o the Mornin to ye and kiss me blarney stone...what can we do fer ye?

Caller: I was going to ask fer a request fer mudders day...but...I can't believe it...you are actually Henry Kelly aren't ye?

Host: Ah to be sure, to be sure...top o the mornin to ye.

Caller: Oh I'm so excited, I've waited months for this moment...Henry Kelly himself...Can I ask ye a question, I'm yer number one fan Henry?

Host: Ah to be sure, to be sure, a pint o guiness, lepracorns dancin round the blarny stone...top o the mornin...

Caller: Is it true ye went bankrupt in 2004?

Host: Oh top o the mornin, begorrah, kiss me lepracorn, guiness...

Caller: Hang on a minute, it's the middle of the afternoon...why do you keep sayin 'Top o the Mornin'?

Host: Begorrah, top o the mornin, Dana, U2, Clannad...

Caller: Ye blaggards...it's not Henry Kelly...it's a ...<click>