The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus - all the news that's unfit to print

[Griffin NoName]

The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus Editorial Corrections
The Aaarrrrggghhhus apologises for an error in yesterday's edition. An unknown person, thought to be going under the pseudonym Black Bart, broke into the Aaarrrrggghhhus offices. Unfortunately we were unable to prevent him slipping salacious rumours about one of our leading politicians into our computer prior to going to press. The article should have course have referred to Borat Johnson.

[DaveL]

CAPTAIN HOSSENFEFFER PLOTS REVENGE

Mystery abounds as to the mysterious whereabouts of Captain Hossenfeffer, the original hero of the Continuous Briny Fable (nee Continuous Salty Tale).

Captain H. as he was subsequently known was abruptly written out of the story when it was decided that was determined be 'not smutty enough' (Quote: Black Bart).

The story hence descended into a bawdy romp involving DaveL and Bart's smutty rampage through Portsmouth, wenching problems and an endless inneuno-athon involving many inanimate objects including sausages, fruit, wobbling blancmanges and zucchinis.

Speaking from his hidden abode, the rather puritanical Capn H has decreed:

'That bleedin story was never the same once those bleedin pirates got smutty. Even Sinhoff me parrot was shocked at the dirty insinuations bein made. Oi vow to rid the Briny Fable of any further smuttiness before it's too late. Oi'll sue yer bleedin hides yer blaggards!'

In response both DaveL and Black Bart have issued the followin' statement.

'Capn H, you were a boring old git and deserved to be written out. Smuttiness sells, so get over it. You are welcome back, but only if yer raunch up yer act.'

Proceedings in the Scurvy Disciplinary Court may ensue. We will update you of further developments.

[Calico Jack]

GET JOHNSON CRY ANGRY PORTSMOUTH COUNCILLORS

Eccentric British Member of Parliament Boris Johnson faces a trip to see the sharks after some ill advised comments (below) relating to the city of Portsmouth.

"The streets are full of rain. Poor bedraggled students splash across the campus in search of their lectures on feminism and media studies.

"Here we are in one of the most depressed downs in southern England, a place that is arguably too full of drugs, obesity, underachievement and Labour MPs."

Portsmouth City Council have offered a 100 dubloon reward to any Pirate who can capture the blond buffoon and throw him to the sharks.

[Black Bart]

YYYAARRRR...I think we be avin an effect, here's another quote from the Borat Johnson article:

"A Conservative spokeswoman said: "According to the government's own figures, Portsmouth suffers the third highest level of deprivation and the fifth highest crime rate in the whole of the south east of England."

[The Black Spot]

LOCAL RESIDENT "OUTRAGED" BY PORTSMOUTH CRIME STATISTICS

Local resident Cap'n Cronan expressed disgust over Borat Johnson's claim that Portsmouth had the fifth highest crime rate in SE England.

"It be disgustin' what 'ee said," said Cap'n Cronan. "'Ow dare 'ee open 'is fat greazy mouth an' say fings like what 'ee did." Pausing momentarily to swallow a fish head, Cap'n Cronan continued "I've worked me fingers to the bone to make this town what it be, an' this Borat bloke waddles over an' vomits over what we've achieved. Let 'im come 'ere an' apologise I sez! We'll show this rancid landlubber that our crime rate be second to none!"

With that, Cap'n Cronan set fire to an effigy of Borat Johnson, and fired a cannon in the direction of the local post office.

Borat Johnson's office later confirmed that Mr Johnson would visit Portsmouth in person later that day.


STOP PRESS

Borat Johnson kidnapped during a
goodwill visit to a Portsmouth tavern.

Police say they are looking for a
large, brutish looking thug. This means
that half the town is under suspicion.

[Bluenose]

PUBLIC NOTICES

Portsmouth Pirate Public School Distillers Inc (Makers of Portsmouth's favourite tipple, Captain's Delight) wish it to be publicly known that no-one from PPPSD Inc was in any way involved in the kidnap of Mr Borat Johnson, even though the term "large, brutish looking thug" is an apt description of many of the senior boys and even if Johnson is a despicable low-down bottom-dwelling muckraking rearranger of the truth.  Furthermore PPPSD Inc wishes it to be known that the said Mr Johnson is not being held in the deepest darkest dungeon of PPPS (at the end of the corridor, having taken the first left after descending the stairs behind the hidden door in the wood pannelling on the north wall of the Distillery Master's office anteroom) nor is he being tortured with bowls of fish head stew and extra strong experimental versions of Captain's Delight and furthermore he is not now a broken-down deranged wreck of a man who doesn't know his @rseh*le from breakfast.

[Sibling Chatty]

Ther orginisers of th' "British Upper Class Twit of the Year" contest wish ter appeal to th' kidnappers of Borat Johnson fer his release in toime fer th' next UCTOTY competition.

It's not that they really WANT him back, but they'd saved a few pence by havin' his name inscribed on th' trophy for th' next 10 years all at one go, an' it wood be embarrasin' to have to award it in absentia, no matter 'ow much  'ee be deservin' it.

They are not partic'lar as to his condition, as long as they can prop 'im up to acksept his trophy.

[Griffin NoName]

Pirate Photo Competition Phone Vote Scandal

The Black Spot, well known to our readers, received an unusually large phone bill (rumoured to be around 3 billion Cronins), timed and dated for a period after voting closed, apparently made to the Pirate Photo Competition phone line.

Judges for the competition have told our reporters that there was no phone vote system in place.

Enquiries continue.

[The Black Spot]

FIRE AT TELEPHONE COMPANY

A mysterious fire broke out in the accounts department of the Portsmouth Telephone Company last night. No one was injured in the blaze, but all the company's financial records for the last two months have been completely destroyed.

The fire seemed to have been caused by several molotov cocktails and a barrel of gunpowder being hurled through the window. A very vocal one legged man was seen leaving the vicinity shouting about the size of his phone bill.

Police are not treating the incident as being suspicious. Fingering a large brown envelope, the Chief of Police said "Accidents happen all the time".

[Black Bart]

Mayor Liversausage seen coming out of Madame Fifi's with Elvis shock!

It has been some weeks since Mayor Ken Liversausage was kidnapped (again) and speculation has been growing as to the fate of the Mayor. A garbled and desperate message was transmitted on Radio TalkPort, but there has been no word from the kidnapper(s)for some time.

The only bit of Mr Liversausage to have turned up so far is his left ear, and police forensics have refused to confirm that the ear is indeed human. We asked the Chief of police Norman Van Gogh if he would like an example of such a human organ to compare, he said: 'No thanks, I've got one ere'.

But now a member of the public has reported a definite sighting of the Mayor in Portsmouth.  A Mr (Dodgy) Dave L has writtten in to say, Quote:

'I was coming out of The Admiral Benbow tavern at about 11.30pm when I clearly saw Mr Liversausage leaving Madame Fifi's establishment in the company of none other than Elvis Presley.'

When Mr L, of no fixed abode, was asked how he knew it was the King, he replied:

'The King...Sufferin barnacles, he was only the Mayor when I went into the pub!'

[Calico Jack]

ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT SECTION

GUNS n FISH HEADS Live at the Admiral Benbow Portsmouth

The newly formed thrash metal band Guns n Fish Heads played their first gig at The Admiral Benbow Portsmouth last night.  The band are:

Lead Singer - Anchor   - (otherwise known as Dave L)
Lead Guitar – Plank – (otherwise known as Calico Jack)
Bass Guitar – Galley – (otherwise known as Black Bart)
Drums – Rigging - (otherwise known as The Black Spot)

It was a curious crowd of thrash metal fans and drunken locals that poured into the Admiral Benbow for the first ever gig by newly formed Guns n Fish Heads. The band certainly made an entrance, as in a parody of over rated 80s band Kiss they entered the stage in full dress costume, all choosing to adorn themselves in Pirate regalia.  The beetroot faced old drunk sitting next to me said they always dress like that but I ignored the old fool, image is everything in this business and Guns n Fish Heads have created their own unique look.

The lead singer Anchor ensured the rapport with the audience was lively by declaring "we are goin ter play some tunes an yer lazy blaggards are goin to clap an sing along ter all of em and if yer don't we'll shoot yer all an feed yer bits to the sharks".  I thought it was a clever joke to get the audience going but strangely no one was laughing.

Then Plank took centre stage and played a guitar solo of mind numbing volume that somewhere contained a riff though I couldn't detect one.  Anchor then began to sing, except it wasn't singing it was some illegible grunt.  Rigging meanwhile was going crazy on the Drum Kit, though (and it must be my eyes deceiving me) it seemed the drum sticks appeared to be made of human bones.

This inept performance continued for the entire concert and the strange thing was that the audience kept crying for more.  In fact they went wild when Galley took centre stage and there was I waiting for something dramatic to happen but no, he reached into his pocket and started throwing fish heads into the crowd.

At the end of the concert I was left with a deep feeling of dissatisfaction, all that hype and yet it was the most musically inept concert I have ever been forced to endure.  Another strange thing is that when I returned to the Aaarrrrggghhhus offices I was advised by my editor not to publish this piece but I thought no chance, the citizens of Portsmouth have a right to know when they are being ripped off.

[Bluenose]

Aaarrrrggghhhus Entertainment Reporter Bashed


Less than an hour after our last edition hit the streets of Portsmouth last night, our Entertainment Reporter Fearless Freddie was bashed by several assailants as he left to go home.  Freddie said from his hospital bed "Oi didunt wreely get a good look at 'em, but Oi'm pretty shure there woz four of em.  One 'ad an Orstralian accent, there were a terrible smell o' fish 'eds about annuvva wun an' the uvva too swore loike, well, pirates."  Police say that there is insufficient evidence to go on so far and have called for civic minded pirates who may have witnessed a "fraces" behind the Aaarrrrggghhhus offices last night and who have a death wish to come forward to assist with inquiries.

Freddie is expected to make a full recovery after surgery later today to remove the three empty Captains Delight bottles.



POSITIONS VACANT

Entertainment Reporter
Leading Portsmouth media enterprise seeks talented professional to provide coverage of entertainment events.  Must be brainless, have no fear and be able to put more then two words together at a time.
Contact The Editor, PO Box 2397, Portsmouth

[Black Bart]

Mayor Liversausage seen coming out of Madame Fifi's with Elvis shock!

Dear Editor of the AAARRRRGHHHUS

I refer to the above article in which you referred to a 'Mr Elvis Presley'.  No such person exists, no such number, no such zone...I therefore assume that you were actually referring to Elvis Pegsley, erstwhile entertainer of Portsmouth.

Yours Sincerely

Priscilla Pegsley

[The Black Spot]

AAARRRRGGGHHHUS UNVEILS NEW SHOWBIZ REPORTER

The Arrrgggghhhhus is proud to announce the appointment of its new Showbiz Correspondant, Jake "Scoop" Patterson.

The hard nosed, no nonsense reporter made his intentions clear in an interview he held this morning.

"The people of Portsmouth are sick of all the lies and spin that they hear in the news," he said. "They want the straight facts, and I'm going to give them the truth."

Pushing his trilby hat back on his head, Scoop continued "This city is rife with corruption. I'm gonna dig up the dirt in this city, and no-one's gonna stop me. Even now, my network of reporters are getting the goods on the slimeballs that run this city. Now, if you'll excuse me gentlemen, I have work to do."

With that, Scoop spat out his cigar butt, fastened his trench coat, and shuffled away.


STOP PRESS

SCOOP PATTERSON ARRESTED
FOR CORRUPTION.

Police say a fat brown envelope and
a glowing review of a Guns n Fishheads
concert have been discovered next to the
whiskey bottle in his filing cabinet.

[Griffin NoName]

LOCAL ELECTION SHOCK HORROR

Portsmouth council declared early this morning in the local council elections. Pirates of the Carribean 10,906; Pirates Brown Doo Dahs Party 306; Socialist Pirates Free Our Cabin Boys 4,507; Cronin Democratic Sink Party 101; Nationalist Peg Legs 15,455.

Townsfolk complained at the length of time the declaration took as all results were announced in every party's local pirate dialect. Fights broke out due to misunderstandings as translators struggled with the difficult pronounciation of the Cronin Democratic Sink Party dialect. Two translators were removed for drunkeness.

The Nationalist Peg Legs gained all their seats from the other parties. The main swing was from the Socialist Pirates Free Our Cabin Boys who have proved extremely unpopular.

The people of Portsmouth have high hopes that the success of the Nationalist Peg Legs will be reflected in the next General Election.

The Peg Legs partied all night celebrating the optimistic platform they have created for launching their National campaign.