The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus - all the news that's unfit to print

[Black Bart]

Portsmouth Pirate Public School to build New Concert Hall for Bid Brenda Show

Four square miles of Portsmouth's derelict Pilgrims district (alright I know the Pilgrims were from Plymouth but these pilgrims were undercover pirates who sailed over to the Americas and founded the Bronx) are to be demolished to make way for the 'Big Brenda Opera House'. The lavish building has been designed by local architect Sir Christopher Biggins and will resemble an enormous Bra, giving a big boost to Portsmouth's waterfront.

[Bluenose]

Advertising Supplement

CAPTAIN'S DELIGHT SPONSORS CAST-IRON MAN COMPETITION

The makers of Portsmouth's latest drinking sensation Captain's Delight today announced a new sporting contest - the Cast-Iron Man.  This new event will be an international championship for buccaneers of all persuasions to test out their pirating skills.

The competitors will be required to be keelhauled and then swim 3 miles through shark infested waters, then run 5 miles along a beach dragging a heavy treasure chest which they must bury in the sand at the end of the run, then they have to make a visit to Madamme Fifi's where their "performance" will be scored, then race across to the Dribbling Parrot where they have to tell a brand new salty old tale to entertain the crowd, while drinking 6 pints of the house ale "Crusty Old and Yellow", then out into the high street and a quick run back down to the docks where they will select a rowboat and row out to the middle of the harbour and capture the treasure ship lying at anchor there.  The first pirate to raise the Jolly Rodger will be declared the winner.

The winning pirate, apart from the honour of being named the First International Cast-Iron Man will win a year's supply of Captain's Delight.

All competitors who finish the course will also win a case of Captain's Delight.

The competition is open to all Pirates upon payment of the small entry fee of 140 Dubloons.

Try Captain's Delight today, it's the finest rotgut available!  Just 10 Dubloons a bottle from your nearest sly grog merchant.

[Calico Jack]

BLACK BART DISAPPEARS

There is concern tonight over the disappearance of the celebrated Pirate Cap,n Black Bart.

Bart was last seen in The Admiral Benbow Pub where after a tankard of rum to many he challenged The Black Spot to a fight after he caught Spot leering at Pir-gella who Black Bart regards as his wench. This is despite the fact that it is Dave L who is known to be giving her a good seeing to.

Black Bart and The Black Spot left the pub for a fight out in a street. After half an hour The Black Spot returned to the tavern to finish his grog and said nowt.  However, Black Bart never came back.

Friends of Black Bart of whom there are very few are now concerned about his welfare, these include the landlord of The Admiral Benbow who wishes to discuss an unpaid bill of 24 cases of rum. If you have any information on Bart's whereabouts please contact Portsmouth Police on 00000000, codeword pieces of eight.

[Aggie]

TREASURE MAP STOLEN

The Portsmouth Buccaneer's Memorial Museum regretfully reports the theft of a priceless artifact known only as the Toadfish Island Treasure Map.  The map, formerly under cold storage in the Museum vaults, is though to conceal the location of an invaluable treasure, but had proven indecipherable by even the Museum's scurviest blaggarts expert cryptocartologists.

Eyewitnesses report seeing 8 dark figures, 6 in hooded robes and 2 with burlap sacks over their heads, in the alley behind the Museum at the approximate time of the burglary.  Due to the Museum's close proximity to The Admiral Benbow, the Portsmouth Police are on the lookout for 3 burglary suspects and one possible kidnapping victim.

A reward of 5,000 gold doubloons is offered for the immediate return of the Map.

[Calico Jack]

BART DISAPPEARANCE, POLICE FIND A CLUE

Portsmouth Police investigating the mysterious disappearance of the celebrated pirate and town drunkard Black Bart have found what they believe to be a significant piece of evidence.

A book containing cooking recipes was found floating in Portsmouth Harbour. This book is believed to belong to Black Bart on account that all the pages have been ripped out except one which contains a recipe for Fish Head Stew.  This book has been recovered and has been locked in a safe in the Police Station as this secret recipe would be expected to sell for a significant sum of money on arr bay.

[Black Bart]

Black Bart Denies his Disappearance

Speaking through the locked door of his cabin last night, Black Bart said he had never disapeared. He apologised to the people of Portsmouth for having given any impression of disappearing, and that this may have been due to fading as a result of age.

We tried to intice Black Bart to come out of hiding but with no success.  It would seem that there is much truth in the old saying: 'Old Sailors Never Die They just Fade Away!' 

[Calico Jack]

Black Bart - A Statement

The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus wishes to make the following statement with regard to the reported disappearance of Black Bart.

When The Black Spot and Black Bart left The Admiral Benbow for their roll about in the gutter, they were caught by The Local Peelers and asked to DISPERSE.  It would appear that our local reporter who was on the scene had a tankard of ale to many and thought Black Bart had been asked to DISAPPEAR.

In normal circumstances this paper would offer unconditional apologies to Black Bart with regard to untruths printed but as Bart is a lying, thieving dirty, rotten, scheming piece of rats pooh we feel an apology is not warrented.

[DaveL]

MIAOWS-DAY CULT EXPOSED - TIDDLES IMPLICATED

Mass arrests at the Portsmouth dock yesterday after an evil cult was exposed conducting weird practices. Cult members, all possessed with glowing red eyes were found clawing cushions, drinking saucers of milk and worshiping replica models of 'The Arghhh 9000'.

When questioned by Portsmouth Police, all members replied with incoherent 'meeeoowing'. Welsh interepreters were later employed to determine more detailed information.

Portsmouth Argghhh-gus investigations revealed the likely leader of the 'Miaows-day Cult' to be none other than Mr Tiddles Gingerpuss of no fixed address, c/- Sargasso Sea, as the likely culprit.

Mr Tiddles is currently being sought over a number of other offences including, High Treason, Mutineering, Murder, Robbery and snorting cat biscuits up his nostrils.

Investigations are continuing...

[Griffin NoName]

Court Report

Pensioner and grandfather of Mr Brutus Cullinane, a highly esteemened local headmaster, Chillingworth Cullinane, was sentenced to 6 months swabbing the deck of the Portsmouth Belle today for growing poppies in his back garden.

The town council stated that his sentence will be suspended as plans for the Portsmouth Belle are still in the planning stage. Asked why this ship is so far behind schedule the council claimed that a shortage of drawing boards was causing problems. Several council drawing boards apparently went missing around the time one of the new schools in Portsmouth opened. There is not thought to be a link between the two events.

Mr Challingesworth Cullinane told the court that bending over to pick Poppies helped with his arthritis and the court took this into consideration when sentencing.

[Black Bart]

Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus Small Ads:

Quest Helper Required - Salary: 4 Dubloons a week

Free Health Care (all the paracetamols ye can eat)

Experience of warding off evil, fighting giant rabbits, map reading and frying Red Herrings desirable.

Applications to: Black Bart, The Big Brenda, Currently anchored off The Dry Tortugas.

[Bluenose]

PORTSMOUTH BUSINESS REPORT

Sales of the newest product from PPPS Distilleries Captain's Delight have continued to defy all expectation.  Production at the distillery has been moved to a three shift rotation to provide continuous output.  Despite the enormous production it appears that demand is exceeding supply and many sly grog merchants report that they have been able to auction off available bottles to thirsty pirates for spectacular amounts.  Our reporter has heard that PPPS will soon be installing one of the new generation mega-stills in order to keep up with supply.

In an unrelated report it seems that there has been a run on rat poison in the Portsmouth area.  Even though there appears to be no signs of a major rat infestation, it seems that some unknown buyer is snapping up all available supplies.  The Aaarrrrggghhhus will continue to probe this mystery and will report back to our readers when we have found out what is going on.

[Calico Jack]

ARTS AND CULTURE SECTION

Portsmouth Pirates put on a show

Aaarrrrggghhhus reporters were out in force last night to cover the opening of the new nightspot in town 'ye will be ripped off' which is the new collaboration by those celebrated pirates The Black Spot and Black Bart.

The opening of the club was slightly delayed as The Black Spot tried to force his way in by attacking the bouncers with his cutlass.  However, after being taken to one side and told he could enter free of charge as it was his club the Black Spot grunted and walked into the club demanding a drink.

Invited guests were treated to a 5 course meal the highlight of which was Black Bart's new recipe Le mauvais Ragoût de Tête de Poisson and didn't seem to mind that it tasted of Rat droppings dipped in Pig swill.

At the end of the evening there was a live cabaret of buxom wenches singing sea shanties. By this time the audience were all roaring drunk and after the ensuing orgy and ritual smashing up of the club it was announced that 'ye will be ripped off' will be closed until further notice to carry our urgent repairs.

We are unable to report any more information as our ace reporter was last seen under a table with a case of grog and half of the cabaret.

[Calico Jack]

RESIDENTS PROTEST AGAINST VIOLENCE ENDS IN VIOLENCE

A march in the city centre by up to 10,000 Portsmouth residents protesting against the lawlessness and violence in the city took place yesterday. Not surprisingly the march descended into violence culminating in a full scale riot.

The march started peaceful enough as many white collar citizens from Portsmouth's more wealthy areas walked into the city centre on a fine spring day. However their message as displayed on the many placards 'Get rid of the Pirate Vermin' was always likely to generate a violent response from some of Portsmouth's less salubrious citizens.

Several Pirate Cap'n led by Dave L and The Black Spot swept into the city centre with hundreds of their most desperate and evil swabs behind them all bent on murder and destruction.

The Portsmouth Police acting on an anonymous tip by Dave L wisely stayed away and consequently not one of their number was amongst the 5000 citizens slain during the orgy of violence. Those citizens fortunate enough to escape with their lives were captured by the pirates and are now destined to spend the rest of their miserable lives at sea.

The leader of the Residents Action Group who also wisely stayed well clear of the city centre was unavailable for comment afterwards but was not expected to initiate another protest.

[The Black Spot]

ELVISMANIA HITS PORTSMOUTH

There were wild scenes in Portsmouth last night as Elvis Pegsley opened his world tour in the Scurvy Rex Stadium.

Thousands of teenage girls screamed and swooned as "The King of Cock and Bull" belted out a string of his greatest hits. The set included his number 1 hits "Blue Suede Pegleg" and "Return to Brenda", as well as old favourites like "You Aint Nuthin' But a Bilge Rat" and "A Whole lot of Floggin' Going On".

After the concert, Mr Pegsley was seen signing autographs on the way to his stretch carriage. He disappeared shortly after being surrounded by several burly men.




STOP PRESS

ELVIS PEGSLEY KIDNAPPED.

A badly spelled ransom note
has been delivered to
Elvis Pegsley's manager.

Police will issue a statement
once they have deciphered what
the note says.

[Black Bart]

I though we were doing enough damage to Portsmouth's reputation but good old Boris Johnson has just topped us.  have a look at this:

http://www.politics.co.uk/news/party-politics/party-politics/boris-portsmouth-full-drugs-and-obesity-$470231.htm