The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus - all the news that's unfit to print

[Calico Jack]

NO MORE DISCRIMINATION AND PILLAGING IN MY TOWN.

So said newly elected mayor Red Ken Liversausage who continues his crusade to rid Portsmouth of the scurvy vermin that have made residents scared of going out at night, not least because they face the risk of being press ganged on to a pirate ship.

Speaking at a rally in Southampton (Local Police have advised Red Ken to keep clear of Portsmouth for his own safety) he made the following pledges.

1) I demand that the exploitation of women in this town is ended. All Gentlemen's clubs will be closed immediately except for Fifi's which will be closed at the end of the year when my membership expires.

2) The exploitation of cabin Boys will also cease.  No Cabin Boys under 7 years of age will be allowed to spend the night with a Pirate Cap'n in his quarters.

3) In order to reduce the risk of bubonic plague returning to this town all hostelries are banned from serving Fish Head Stew.

4) Finally I issue an arrest warrent for those evil scoundrels Dave L, The Black Spot, Black Bart and Calico Jack.  If they set foot in Portsmouth again they are to be locked up and then hanged at dawn.  Never again will they inflict their riotous behaviour on our long suffering citizens.

After the rally Red Ken was bundled into a Ship docked in Southampton Water and taken to a secret address.

This newspaper which is also a co owner of Fifi's will offer 200 Dubloons for anyone who can reveal the location of Red Ken. 

[DaveL]

THE SPANISH ARMADA STOPS BY

Joy abounds in Portsmouth Harbour, as the Spanish Invasion fleet stopped by for resupply and repairs. Oblivious townsfolk took the opportunity to welcome the visitors to some of Portsmouth finest hospitality.

The entertainment included boyband Take-the-Lot, Motargh-head, Santa-arghh and Madame Fifi's Electric Cancan Band. The Spanish appeared slightly uncomfortable durin' the performances.

Big Ron also used the opportunity to refine his latest continental sausage, the 'Big Ron Chorizo' with the 'Santa Maria' cook, Juan Santiago Dominguez.

Asked by the 'Aaaarrrgghus', which country they were invading, the Spanish coyly replied 'Ummmm...Las Froggy, Las Froggy' and pointed across the English channel.  

The Spanish Armada departed Portsmouth firing off a few 'cherio' salvos from their fleet. Several townsfolk were 'slightly' injured trying to catch the cannonballs.

[The Black Spot]

ARCADE CLAIMS ANOTHER VICTIM

Local outcast Captain Black Bart suffered appaling injuries after his latest victory in the arcade.

Celebrating his high score in the Admiral Benbow, Bart tried to strike up a conversation with the deaf nurse from the Salty Tale. He began bragging about his huge score on Asteroids when the nurse said "Eh?"

Bart shouted "ASTEROIDS! HUGE!"

"You poor thing," said the nurse whipping out a kitchen knife and a cattle prod.

Bart later said "No comment" through gritted teeth, and made a squeaking noise as he walked slowly away.

[Calico Jack]

TIDDLES SCOOPS THE LOTTERY

The Winner of the Portsmouth City Lottery was announced amid fanfare at the civic hall today.

The winner of the 2m Dubloon ticket was Tiddles the Cat who was known for several years as the chief rat catcher on Dave L's ship.  Tiddles is a 13 year cross breed with one eye, one sharp tooth and snarls at everything that moves.

Quite how Tiddles acquired the winning Lottery ticket is still unclear.  One possible theory is that Dave L after his recent expulsion from Portsmouth gave his ticket to Tiddles.

Tiddles friends and fellow rat catchers were quick to offer their warm congratulations on Tiddles good fortune. "The money is wasted on that ugly flea bitten moggy" said Polly (Dave L's Parrot) "He'll squander it all on Milk and Prawns and gamble the rest away" said Butch (Big Ron's Dog).

One of our reporters did attempt to get an interview with Tiddles but were met by a snarl and a nip in the ankle.

[The Black Spot]

CAPED VIGILANTE TO "CLEAN UP PORTSMOUTH"

Portsmouth was stunned last night when a masked man vowed to rid the town of criminals.

Standing on a rooftop, purple cape blowing in the wind, the athletically built man said

"Evil doers beware! I can no longer stand idly by while the forces of darkness plunder our fair town."

Smashing his yellow gauntlets together, the man continued "I am The Dark Avenger, and I am here to give hope to the good people of Portsmouth."

With that, the mystery man swung away into the night using a purple grappling hook.

The Dark Avenger was later found at about 5 a.m. with a peg leg shoved up an orifice.

[Black Bart]

BLACK BART HOSPITALISED WITH STRAINED LAUGHTER MUSCLE AFTER READING THE LAST ARTICLE

Black Bart, Portsmouth's prospective new mayor, was rushed to hospital last night with a suspected 'Ribticklus Strainus Majorus'.  Between guffaws Bart managed to mutter: 'Peg Leg' and 'Orrifice' and 'Purple grappling hook'.  Strangely, Bart made an immediate recovery when the Deaf Nurse came in to read his temperature!

[Griffin NoName]

HARBOUR CASINO OPENS

Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Bucksworth opened his Portsmouth Harbour Casino today. The Grand Opening was attended by 12,000 people and Lady Prunella Fitzandgargles JP QC STD UFO cut the ribbon. The casino is expected to reduce the scandalous levels of unemployment in Portsmouth and bring many newcomers to the area swelling the amount of money sloshing around. An arrangement has been reached with Madam Fifi's for a regular supply of talented croupiers.

[Calico Jack]

BRENDA's GETTING HITCHED

Marriage Births and Deaths Column

We are pleased to announce the engagement of Bar tholemew Roberts (Black Bart) and Brenda Largewench (Big Brenda).  The nuptials will take place at Portsmouth Civic Hall on Saturday.  We expect to announce the obituary of Black Bart approximately 72 hours after the wedding.

[Bluenose]

POPULAR TALK SHOW HOST DISSAPEARS

The host of the popular Portsmouth Radio talk show TalkPort,  disappeared under mysterious circumstances last night.  Listeners report that he had just taken a call from a barely intelligible caller identified as a "Mr Spot" who had made all manner of wild accusations and death threats when the radio fell ominously silent.  The Portsmouth Piratical Constabulary claim to have received no reports of missing persons and seemed strangely reluctant to discuss the matter when contacted by the Aaarrrrggghhhus by telephone this morning.  Senior constable I.M. Witless said "we believe he's gone to visit 'is mum."  However there appeared to be the sounds of a cutlass being drawn in the background as SnrConst Witless was talking to our reporter.

[The Black Spot]

HUGE DRUNKEN BRAWL IN TOWN CENTRE

Portsmouth town centre was closed last night after several hundred drunken revellers engaged in a mass brawl.

The fight started at about 2 a.m. outside "The Admiral Benbow" tavern, rolled down the street to Madame Fifi's Gentleman's Club, passed the casino, and continued to the docks where cannon fire could be heard. 150 policemen were drafted in to stop the drunken battle, but they just made things worse as they all joined in the mass punch up.

The battle raged for about 4 hours, and at its height an estimated 800 people were involved.

Apparently, the fight was caused by people celebrating the fact that Portsmouth had just been named this years "European City of Culture."

[Griffin NoName]

Portsmouth Rocked by Michelin's latest three-star chef

Fish specialist, La Francais Pic, has surprisingly wrested the coveted prize for her fish-head stew from Portsmouth's very own Black Bart. Services will be held at lunch-time and supper-time in the Stew-Inn Chapel to pray for better success next year.

[Black Bart]

Henry Kelly to take top spot on Portsmouth's Radio talk show TalkPort.

Following the brutal murder of Talkport's anchor man, the Aaaaarrrrgggghhhus can reveal that world famous Irish Celebrity 'Henry Kelly' is to take over the hot seat. Begorragh!

[Griffin NoName]

TIDDLES OUTED BY BLACK BART

Citizens are warned to be on the look out for a very angry Welsh cat. If seen, the public are advised not to approach him, but phone in to Radio TalkPort with his exact location. This cat may be in a mentally unstable condition but is likely only to attack Black Bart unless provoked. An anonymous donor has put up 2,500 Cronin to the first person to inform Tiddles of Black Bart's whereabouts.

[The Black Spot]

NO SIGN OF HENRY KELLY

Cheering crowds of people waited outside the Radio TalkPort building last night in the hope of catching a glimpse of new talksow host Henry Kelly.

It was the fifth night running that Henry Kelly was supposed to be appearing, but again he failed to appear.

Much of the Kelly hysteria had been whipped up by "Genial" Tom Dillon, landlord of the Admiral Benbow.

"Don't worry," said Tom. "I'm sure he'll be here in a minute. Marvellous."

Henry Kelly's spokesman declined to comment. Or he would have done if anyone could have found him.

[DaveL]

BRENDA RECORDS NEW ALBUM

Playbilge superstar Brenda McTavish is back and she's bigger than ever - popularity wise Oi mean. Brenda squeezed into Arrggh-bey Road Studios to record the finishin touches to her new album entitled 'My D-Cup Runneth Over'.

Anxious to capture a newer younger audience, Brenda has included a number rap tracks with one-legged 'hop-hop' pirate rapper 'Ice-Arr'.

The first single due out next week will be entitled 'Hey yo, yo. Yo ho ho', which will include a P-TV video of Brenda and Ice-Arr sportin' reverse baseball caps, excessive bling and gyratin' dancers.

Eager to meet her younger audience, Brenda will be appearing at Portmouth Pirate Public School for purely promotional purposes. Principal Bill Cullinane is said to be delighted by her scheduled appearance.