The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus - all the news that's unfit to print

[DaveL]

BIG RON CAUGHT ON INFRARED CAMERA

Disturbing evidence was revealed by Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus secret reporter Bernie Hutton today of Big Ron 'doing what comes naturally'.

The disturbing footage filmed at Big Ron's Butchery shows our favourite butcher letting a few of his cares get away.

The evidence may prevent Big Ron from performing in Portsmouth again, following a recent explosion at a recent Big Ron concert.

http://www.devilducky.com/media/55095/

Does anyone have a plus size cork?

[Bluenose]

HUGE MUSHROOM CLOUD SEEN OVER PPS

Reports to hand indicate that a large explosion occurred this morning at the Portsmouth Pirate Public School.  Witnisses claim to have seen a large mushroom shaped cloud over the area of the controversial distillery training facility at the school immediately after a very loud bang was heard.  Our reporter on the scene shortly after this unexpected event spoke to a rather dishevelled looking fellow who claimed to be a Captain Bluenose, the Distillery Master of PPS.  Mr Bluenose claims that the explosion was caused by "them little blaggardettes from that girl's school over the road".  Mr Bluenose appeared to be in a highly emotional state at the time.

Portsmouth Pirate constabulary are looking into the matter and are expected to report back in a few days.

[Black Bart]

COMPUTER ERROR ROBS BLACK BART OF FROGGER CROWN

Black Bart, future mayor of Portsmouth, was fuming last night after his Frogger score of 15,240 failed to register on the Toadfish Arcade. Scumsoft Ltd who provide the technical support, hardware and programming for the popular games site have accepted responsibility for the error. An embarrased Scumsoft Spokesman tried to riggle out of the situation by giving the feeble explanation that:
"The main generator was running on four miles of copper piping which Scumsoft had purchased from Bustlin Brian, the whole bloody lot just fell part from the vibrations coming from a flat just above Scumsoft's Offices!"
Apparently the flat is occupied by a mysterious Mr Goatstarer who was not available for comment, however, Scumsoft were able to tell us Mr Goatstarer had bought six keyboards from them in the last month!

Black Bart is currently undergoing a course of therapy at Madame Fifi's Health Spa and Massage Parlour.

[DaveL]

TALLSHIP FORMULA 1-ARR FOR PORTSMOUTH HARBOUR

Excitement abounds 'ere today after Portsmouth Harbour was entusiatically named as the newest venue for Galleon Racing enthusiasts.

Formula 1-ARR President Jean Cretien Francois Francois Blanche Dubois Duplesy announced the decision as follows:

'Efter merch derliberashun about personal safety, we ef decided to include Portsmouth Harbour in next years F1-ARR competition'

President Duplesy was recent in Portmouth to inspect the venue, which included:

1) a visit to the Portmouth Dock;
2) a trip to see fellow compatriot Madame Fifi;
3) a tour of the Portsmouth prison complex;
4) a follow-up trip to Madame Fifi's;
5) a meeting with 'odds on' mayoral candidate Mr Black Bart;
6) a tour of Portmouth commercial district, including a meeting with 'The Men of Portsmouth' calendar participants;
7) Private entertainment by 'Ms Francine the Flagellator' from Madame Chantal's.
' A cruise of the harbour;
9) One final visit to Madame Fifi's, to confirm that all arrangements were in order.

As part of the safety conditions for awarding the bid, the entire Piratica Soccer Team will be banned from entering the town during the event.

The Formula-1ARR will be sponsored by Bart Industries and Bustlin' Brian Enterprises.

[Calico Jack]

BLACK BART BITES OFF A BATS HEAD

In an incident reminiscent of the legendary lead Singer of Black Sabbath Ozzy Osbourne, it is confirmed that the accident prone Pirate Black Bart has indeed bitten off a Bats Head.

The incident occured after Black Bart's ship runaground on a remote island and found a colony of Bats in a cave whilst foraging for supplies.  The incident was filmed by an undercover reporter working on his ship who witnessed Bart approach the Bat shouted YARRGGGGHHHH YER BLAGGARD and calmly bit its head off.

Afterwards when asked to explain his actions Bart said "I thought it was a fish an I was trying to git some more supplies for me stew, you see it was dark in there and I was drunk at the the time, however I would like to apologise to the Bat, it was mistaken identity yer see.".

The Bat was unavailable for comment.

[Black Bart]

Cannibalism

I was unsure where to post this but the Portsmouth Aaarrrgggghhhus will do, I quote it from the BBC History magazine January issue...

The last famous case of cannibalism in the UK concerned three survivors of the barque Mignonette in 1884, who were in an open boat (The Black Spot was probably one of em!) in the South Atlantic and consumed the cabin boy! On being rescued and returned to England they were found guilty of murder at Exeter Assizes. There was an immediate appeal and re-trial in which they were convicted of manslaughter and each sentenced to six months. 

One lawyer alledgedly remarked afterwards: "Damn funny country we live in.  Kill a cabin boy and you get six months. Bugger him and you get two years".

[Bluenose]

SCUMSOFT RELEASES NEW PORTHOLES VERSION

The Portsmouth office of Scumsoft was beseiged last night as hundreds of Pirates queued up at the door to be the first to buy a copy of the new Portholes Avarsta which went on sale at midnight.

Although Portholes Avarsta promises greater integration for all your Piratin Komputin needs and in particular easier access to various Pirate Gaming options, pundits report that many Pirates will not find a compelling reason to upgrade from Portholes XP.  It is expected that most sales of Avarsta will be to the "nerd" end of the Pirate market and with new computer sales.

Scumsoft CEO Captain William Doors said that Avarsta "marks a major new direction for Scumsoft" and said that it would "provide an important new revenue stream" for the company with the new Digital Ripoff Management (DRM) features.



AAARRRRGGGHHHUS UNDER ATTACK!

This newspaper will fight proceedings in the Scurvy Disciplinary Board that threaten journalistic independance.  All concerned readers are encouraged to gather in the forecourt of the Board and enter en-mass to register your protests at this scurrilous attack on the freedom of the press.

[Black Bart]

AAAAARRRRGHPPLE Computers to sue Scumsoft

The new Portholes Operating System Avarsta is the subject of a lawsuit by the Carribean Computer Giant AAAAARRRGHPPLE. AAAAARRRGHPPLE aledge that the Avarsta System is a complete Rip off of it's 'OS X Marks the Spot' which has been wowing the computer world for the last 3 years.  Scumoft were unable to comment as their Avarsta System had used up so much RAM that their entire network had collapsed.

[DaveL]

PUPATING PRINCESS SNATCHES VICTORY IN THE GRAND WRIGGLER

A dramatic finish today in the premier event on the maggot racing calendar The Grand Wriggler. Capn DaveL owned maggot 'Pupating Princess', a rough outsider at 10-1, won the event from champion stallion 'Where's the Flyspray?'by a mere half a wriggle.

The big event was celebrated by the who's who of Portsmouth society, including some women who wore ridicuously silly hats and some pirates who wore some ridiculously sillier hats (no hang on they always wear those hats!)

The event was marred by tragedy when philly Team McTavish maggot 'BM Au-go-go' was badly crushed when owner Brenda McTavish attempted to jockey the maggot in the big event.

Owner DaveL was last seen celebrating the big win at the Dribbling Parrot Inn with Black Bart, The Black Spot, Bluenose, Swato and Griffin . When interviewed DaveL replied 'zzzzzz...hic...yay we won!...zzzz..hic'.

[The Black Spot]

NEW RECORD SET FOR SINGLE HANDED ATLANTIC CROSSING

The record for a single handed crossing of the Atlantic was smashed last night.

The mariner, Cap'n B. Spot, took less than 18 days to complete the 3,500 mile journey in an open rowboat.

Mr Spot declined to give any comment except to curse very loudly and colourfully, and screamed something about "they'll all be hanging from the nearest yardarm!".

Several spectators at Portsmouth harbour said that this wasn't the first time that Mr Spot had undertaken such a journey.

[Calico Jack]

PARROT ARRESTED FOR CRUELTY TO MAGGOTS

A Parrot belonging to the legendary Pirate Cap'n The Black Spot was today arrested by local policemen in Portsmouth having been spotted being cruel to a Maggot.

The Maggot in question was Pupating Princess who was attacked after exiting the Portsmouth nightspot Fifi's after celebrating her victory in the The Grand Wriggler competition.  The Parrot (who due to legal reasons we are unable to identify by name) was seen flying up to the Maggot and picking her up in its beak before attempting to swallow it.  Fortunately for the beleaguered Maggot, help was at hand as Dave L's Cat Tiddles waddled up to the Parrot and bit its leg off.  In the resulting confusion the Maggot escaped from the Parrots Mouth and apart from being in two pieces was relatively unharmed.

After the incident Pupating Princess's agent had the following comments to make.  "My client Pupating Princess would like to thank all of its fans who have supported her through its terrible ordeal, however special gratitude is reserved for Tiddles the Cat who bravely rescued her from the jaws of the evil Parrot.  As soon as her wounds have healed and her two bits become one, Pupating Princess will once again appear in public in I'm a celebrity Maggot get me out of here"

[The Black Spot]

DOCTORS DEMAND CLOSURE OF ARCADE

The PMC (Portsmouth Medical Council) last night called for the Arcade in the Portsmouth area to be closed.

"It's terrible what we have to deal with," said a PMC spokesmen. "We found one scurvy looking scoundrel who hadn't eaten or slept for days. He was obsessed with beating the highscore on snake and Frogger. This poor devil was twisted and hunched over the controls, and his good hand was bent into a hook shape as he mashed the controls frantically - we had the surgeons on standby until we realised that he normally looks like that."

Asked about other cases the PMC spokesman reported "We have another case where a man's brain has been completely destroyed by playing a fiendish pastime called 'Simon'. This poor wretch managed to rack up a score of over 30 on the device before his brain totally failed. He's now only capable of doing mindless, repetitive tasks- he'll never be the same again."

When asked for his opinion, Cap'n DaveL said "No comment" over and over and over again while looking blankly into the distance.

[Griffin NoName]

Single Handed Atlantic Crossing Record Quashed

Cap'n Black Spot may be facing prosecution as mid-Atlantic CCTV has revealed that he had two hands. It is thought that his second hand was hidden beneath his extraordinarily frilly shirt while in Portsmouth Harbour. Black Bart may also be indicted as accomplice for loan of the frilly shirt. It is not known yet when the case will be heard by the SDC.

[The Black Spot]

MAYOR RELEASED BY KIDNAPPERS


Mayor "Red" Keith Liversausage made a triumphant return to Portsmouth Town Hall last night.

An undisclosed sum of money had been paid to the kidnappers, and Red Keith was returned unharmed (apart from a few missing body parts).

During a press conference held on the Town Hall steps, Mayor Liversausage was asked about his time in captivity. The mayor replied "Mmmmmmphh Gruphhh Muuummmph" as he was gagged and bundled into the back of an anonymous carriage which pulled away at high speed.

[Black Bart]

Black Bart quizzed by police after second Red Ken Kidnapping

It emerged last night that Mayoral candidate Black Bart has been questioned by Portsmouth police after the latest kidnapping of Red Ken Liversausage.

Red Ken had become unpopular with Portsmouth's seafaring fraternity after he introduced the Harbour Conjestion Charge. Many of the poorer ships have been forced to dock at a four mile long jetty and cart their goods in by donkey.

Liversausage has defended his actions by pointing out the big drop in cases of plague, leprosy and rat infestation in the town.

Black Bart was unavailable for comment apart from shouting loudly from his cabin...Shiver me keyboard, I am the Astroids King!