Portsmouth Pirate Public School

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

Dear Kiyoodle,

While yer be possessin' many fine talents there, we would strongly urge your wealth liberating skills be harnessed for robbing others generating funds at the school.

We would like you to participate in our special financial management subjects. 'Liberating Others of their Wealth 101' 'Healthy, Wealthy and Evil 201' and for the truly gifted 'Merchant Vessel Funds Transfer Management 301'

Having your financial skills will teach our kiddies about investing their ill gotten gains.

Come in for an interview at once.

Kind Regards,

Prinicipal Cullinane

PS Can yer send Dr Austin Wheelwright PhD, DCO, KFC, AK47 and Bar a brown paper envelope advance. Oi just spent all me money on the budget estimates. Ta!

Deer Prisipel Cullinane.

It woud b' an 'onor for me to be a part of yer pillagin' teachin' staff. I 'ave great experience wit' the sujjested subjects.

But first I will need the little bastards nice kiddies to bring five doubloons to the first class, so I can 'ave some beer money teach 'em 'ow to invest 'em.

Yours sincerely

Kiyoodle Ripp-You-Off the Trustworthy

[DaveL]

:Start_O_Letter:

Dear BigHead C.

Oi noticed yer asnt filled the persition o IT Tutor. Oi got shit-loads buckets tuns very useful experience at Scumsoft fer meny years an Oi got a CV too long ter go in any compooter. Fervermore, Oi got the patients of a saint wen the little booblighters mek msiteks wot they allus do. Oi av a good trak record o mekin them macheens wurk by brute force too fer witch Oi got the Hooker Award jest last year. Oi knows jest ow ter get the most outer yer ook wen it cums ter tappin the ol' keybored.

Oi ken offer basic level - wich incloods lurnin ter type wiv two eyepaches - intamedjiat level wiv ook-eye co-ordinatiun thrown in - an advanced fer em as aint broke nuthin by then. In advanced them will lern em several stuff loike Hi_Jack, Hack_Her, an a speshial curse in Werms wich we be develepin oursels copyin off a frend expert in erm in Werms as Oi was sayin.

As yer ken see, me compooter compsosed this applikatiun usin its nooral netwerk wot Oi invented so yer ken see Oi'm jest the tikket.

Yousr

Lord earl Cap'n lord TreadMill-Loop ANN

POSTSCrIPt av_OI_got_ther_job Y/N N GO TO Start_O_Letter

Dear Lord Treadmill,

Anyone can that can win a Hooker's award is a friend of mine!! The ones around here are way too dowdy to win anything...oops sorry!!...Oi didn't read the rest of yer letter,Oi seez yer in IT. Fine professhun indeed!!

Oi've bin a bit distracted of late, as Oi've had Fifi and the girls, me accountant beating me sensless , running a few numbers for me...all looks good *wink*.

Oi thinks we'll be needun a bit of 'elp wif Scumsoft Portholes 1700. Those kids sure are cluey, but they'll need yer help.

Oi bin thinkin of purchasin satellite navigashun for the school trainin' galleons - The Arghh 8000's donated by Honest John O'Grady...YArrr, O'im still getting counselling, in shock after seein that bloke in The Men of Portsmouth calendar...EWWWW!!

Anyways, your talents will be most welcome at our school.

Please come in when the financial accounting is finished. 'Pass me your calculator please Brenda'

Kind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Black Bart]

Piracy Council for Higher Heducation Inspectorate:

OFSTED

(Old Fearsome Seagoing Terrors Educate Dekids)

Dear Principal Cullinane

Before the school officially opens it will of course be subject to an official OFSTED inspection.  The inspection will take the form of a Full Scale Boarding party.  Our men will attempt to scale the walls and take the school by force.  If you successfully repel the boarders your school will have passed the test.

The inspection will take place one week before the opening date.  We will be hoping to get the inspection done by lunch toim as we are due to inspect St Winifred's Girl School in the afternoon...YYYYAAARRRRGH!

Good luck

Yours sincerely

Captain Flint
Chairman of the OFSTED team

[Sibling Chatty]

Cullinane:

I understand that Flint and his OFSTED team be threatenin' ter move again' yer. The orckestrearly section leaders an' meself will be movin' in from the NNE, prepared to counterattackt them as they try to board. To save on th' wear and tear and to promotte neighborly affections, we hev also contracktid wi' St. Winnie's fer our services, and feel we can provide a pointed distrackshun allowin' yerself an th' rest o' th' staff ter bung the auld blighters away from secure the grounds.

The rest o' me orkestra be engaged at St. Winnie's that AM for their openin' tea, but will have sufficient ammo an' grapplin hooks on hand to pervide an assist if needed. Oi will hev the majority of the contrabass section wif me, hincludin' Walter "Wowser the Oucher" Billinham,
Eugene "Exstreem Pain" Paynter and Eldina "Ballbreaker" Buchanan. Only our "Priscilla" (Second Bassist Pluto Charnowtski) will be at St. Winnies, as they prefers a loighter touch than me usual wif ther tea-music.

In return for this eksepshunal assistance, we will require the occaisonal use of ther skool rehearsall hall fer a bit o' light choreography and orkestral chair-challenges. (We hev found that a comprehensive challenge programme prevents needless and extraneous deaths among our principal players.)

We will be bringin' our own eksplosives, foire-armes and large overly-curious dogs wif cold noses.

Commodore Amanda

[DaveL]

Dear Piratica Soccer Team,

I have a shite fight, am in dire need of your services. Can you please arrange to meet me at the front gate urgently? I have a small security matter Oi needs yers for.

Could you please instruct Blackspot to bring those super cannons recently used in the Santa match. O'ill be preparin a nice surprise for Flint's OFSTED blighters.

Can yer also instruct Bart to forward 2 dozen cases of fishead stew concentrate.

Commodore Amanda and the St Winnie's girls will be joning the rumble. If yer lucky, they'll wantin to meet yers for an 'autograph' session afer the melee. *wink*

See yers at the gate,

Principal Cullinane

[Bluenose]

Aye aye Prinserple Cullinane,

Oi am ready an willin.  Also Oi 'ave taken th' liberty o making a few 'undred Molotov ccocktails wiv me latest batch o' special extra over-proof tonic.  (Be careful wen ye 'andle em boys, they be a bit unstable an culd go off in yer 'and iffen ye don't wotch owt.)

We'll be ready fer a littel showdown, jess you wait an see...

Cap'n Mad Scientist Bluenose

[Calico Jack]

Piracy Council for Higher Heducation Inspectorate:

OFSTED

(Old Fearsome Seagoing Terrors Educate Dekids)

Dear Principal Cullinane

I be hearing nasty rumours (some of me men are on yer staff) that you be intending to disrupt the inspection by my men.

If this is the case I can promise you we will meet fire with fire. My highly trained workforce are desperados who have plundered in every port on the seven seas. An uglier bunch of ruffians yer will not come across anywhere. They used to crew on the Black Spot's ship but he got rid of em on account they were to nasty.

Any attempt to resist my mens's advance and I guarantee a lingering death for all of yer and ye will be first on the list.

Have a nice day.

Yours sincerely

Captain Flint
Chairman of the OFSTED team

[Black Bart]

Piracy Council for Higher Heducation Inspectorate:

OFSTED

(Old Fearsome Seagoing Terrors Educate Dekids)

Dear Principal Cullinane

We've just seen the St winifred's Girls School Hockey team playin on their sports field...shiver me timbers it were a terrifying sight!  As a result of this prior knowledge we have decided to cancel the St winifred's inspection until a Bigger Fleet can be raised, and we will be concentrating on boardi...er, inspectin your school instead. 

Yours Sincerely

Capn Flint
Chairman of Ofsted

[Sibling Chatty]

Flint and the OFSTED Team:

Be aware thatt Oi'm werkin' wi' Cullinane and the St. Winnie's girls ter pass yer inspeckshun.

Oi wud foind it a persn'l honor if yer'ud agree to a ceremoniall match-up only, as Priscilla and the Lightsteppers are 'heartset on a loverly tea-dance at St. Winnies, and they do na' wish ter muss ther new frocks.

You may remember that Priscilla, although seeminly delicate in nature, is the same size as his twin, Bluto (me piccolo player) standin' near half a 'ead higher than the tallest lamppost on th' High Street, and weighin' slightly more than the oxen he be stunnin' at the packin' lot on his offtime extry job. ('ee be entitled to premium pay, as he dasn't risk one o' their stunnin' sledges, 'ee just uses 'is 'ead.)

Bluto has formed a small jazz combo from amongst his mates at the packin' lot, Bluto an' the Blue Note Wailers, and they all be prepared to join wiv us. (7 musicians requirin enough stage room for 15...eckonomikle ter book if yer don't offer dinner wi' th' engaygmint.)

P'raps yer shud consider joinin' us fer a "Welcome to th' Neighborhood" Party wi' the St. Winnie's gang instead of an hinspeckshun. The caterears can always use spare people to serve and clean up, or ye can respond polite-like to th' invite to th' party...

By th' way, Flint, Bluto sez Priscilla wants yer to know that the pickshers came out well an are suitabell fer framin'. Oi b'leev she's wantin to send on to yer wife and another to yer crew.

What say ye?

Commodore Amanda Teach yadda yadda yadda...

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cullinary

Oi be alarmed at the rumers of violence surroundin a prospectiv OFSTED inspektiun at yer skool.

Oi av taken the liberty of throwin my cloak of invisibility over yer entyre bilding. No one will be abel to foind yer skul now.

Yours
Cap'n Harry Potter

[Black Bart]

Piracy Council for Higher Heducation Inspectorate:

OFSTED

(Old Fearsome Seagoing Terrors Educate Dekids)

Dear Lady Penelope Fotheringhay Hulme
Principal of St Winifred's Public School for posh girls


Can we borrow the St winifred's Girls School Hockey team for half an hour to help us with a little job in the neighbourhood?


Yours Sincerely

Capn Flint
Chairman of Ofsted

[DaveL]

Dear Defenders of P.P.P.S,

Thankyou so much for beating the crap out of, protecting the integrity of our school from OFSTED. 

In particular, thanks to Black Bart for unleashing that deadly toxic cloud. The fumes killed all the vegetation, so we'll be advertisin for a new gardener in the near future.

The girls from St Winnies fought like a bunch of school girls, wif incredible gusto. Black Spot's devastatin' 450mm super gun rounds have damaged the drama theatre, so Commodore Amanda may have to conduct her dance lessons on the main sports field. We will be advertisin' for a school carpenter ASAP.

O'ill be aksin for yers to submit yer new kerick, currikuer, subject outlines for review in me office.

OFSTED won't be visitin' us again for quite some time.

The School will open as planned.

Koind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Sibling Chatty]

Cullinane,

Priscilla says she knows a fine strappin' carpenter that'll do the woodwerkin' and roofin', and the interior will be done by her persnal inteeryor deckeratin'crew.

Oi hev convinced her that neiver pink nor lavendar would be a good colour for the main curtains or the Grand Curtain, so she has dragged out her red brocades and velvets and WILL be doin' red, evn tho she sez it is hell to acksesserize.

Furthermore, there will be a perfessional dance floor installed on the stage, as Priscilla has one stored in the sheds back of her auld Mum's cottage, from back when she and her bruvver ran Pluto and Bluto's Ballroom and Billiards.

Oi hev warned her that th' skool is new and cannot be affordin' much eckstravagance, but her  special friend has just sent her a big packet o' money won from some gamblin' in th' Carribean Islands, and she knows it'll be 'his treat' to pervide whatever she wants fer th' skool. Seems she's also been keepin' 'is books and knows who 'ee be owin' an' ow much, an will be fixin' him hansomly back inter society as a wealthy bennyfactor, so as not to have him fitted for a hemp necktie again' his will. Again.

As yer kno, it's generally best to allow our Priscilla to do as she warnts when it comes to deckoratin' an such, as she's not adverse to takin' a stunnin' hammer to the 'ead of them what argues wi 'er. As long as th' financin's set an' she doesn't go ovverboard on tassles and such, Oi sugjest we lets 'er do it.

Commodore Amanda

[DaveL]

Dear Teachers and Students,

Oi've been giving great considerashun in between visits to Madame Fifi's, followin' this years raid by OFSTED about the makeup of this years curriculum. Oi haves finalised the 1st year subjects.

The followin' first year course outline has been submitted and will commence in February 1707.

Course Number  Title

ARGH 101     Piracy in Society
ARGH 102     Basic Maritime and Weaponry Skills
ARGH 103     Briny Jigs
ARGH 104     Introduction to Distilling
ARGH 105     The Joys of Corporal Punishment
ARGH 106     The Joys of Capital Punishment (a very short course this one!)
ARGH 107     Basic Piratical Communication
ARGH 108     Basic Parrot/Cabin Boy Handling

YArrr..if Oi be missun anythin essential let me know

Regards,

Principal Bill Cullinane

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

Ye forgot "Liberating Others of their Wealth", my speciality...

I 'ope t'at t'is mistake will b' soon corrected. Iv not, I'll make sure, t'at yer skool will be liberated of yer welf.

Yours sinserely Kiyoodle the Liberator