Portsmouth Pirate Public School

[DaveL]

Dear 'Eadmaster

I be wantin' to offer me services to yer school as English master. I has extensive practice in draftin' ransom notes an' terms o' surrender, an would like to pass some o' me skills on.

I could also be showin' the kids some debatin' and negotiating techniques what ne'er fail.

I look forwards to yer reply. Ye can find me in the back room o' the Admiral Benbow.

Dear Mr Spot,

Our syllabus requires that our students master the use of cuss-words, taunting-the-enemy from a very early age.

Unfortunately, our kiddies are being polluted by too much politeness these days. So make sure that you show 'em the true art of bein' insultin'.

There are ample facilities for drafting ransom notes. We have several blood donors, sponsors who donate their blood stationary for writing the most scary, effective ransom notes ever.

As Oi am a respectable Principal, Oi 'aves never 'erd of the Admiral Benbow at least when Oi am sober, so Oi will be wearing my Madame Fifi's all access badge, Principals Hat when Oi come lookin for yer.

Kind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Aggie]

Dear Cap'n Bill,

Oi be sendin this letter in inquire o' whether a position be open for a 'hinstructor in the Natural Sciences.  Oi 'ave a more'n adeqet adakwa good edyucational history and experience in Applied Alchemy and Chemical sciences (with special practice at turnin' C, S an' KNO3 into Au).  Oi also am much aquainted with the botanical sciences, particulairly the identifyin' an applications of tocksic vegetations.  In addition I 'ave additional hands hooks-on 'hexperience in basic kinematics an' ballistics to provide lessons on fig Newtonian fizzics, and kin instruct in basic first aid (plasters, patches an' amputations).

As a bonus project Oi'd be delighted to 'elp supervise micro-biologolocol labs in yeast reproduction in assistance o' Cap'n Bluenose's coursework provided 'e allow me the use o' one o' 'is old ratty stills for makin ether durin' school holidays.

Please foind also attached a resume for me mate and recommended lab course master, Dr. Igor Van Svatopluck.

Yrs,

"Ague" Jim Mortisin

[DaveL]

Dear Heddemaster,

Oi wuld loike to present meself to yer for a position at yer institooshin of edyukayshin.

In this increasin'ly multi-cultural and complex werld, evvery poirate needs ter be up't dayte on his cultcheral skills. Oi proposes a class in deportment, foine dancin', an' th' proper way to address foreigners what don't speak Hinglish like normal human bein's do.

Oi hev me own brace of pistols fer teachin' dancin (as Oi hev found th' feet move much quicker when dodgin' hot lead) and only require a ground floor classroom, as the encouragin' practices can cause cranial leadification in occupants of lower floors.

As to other class subjeckts, me toime as a slave high-classed servant in a Heathen Land has given me much okayshun ter study th' ways of the well-to-do (as so many hostages are nowadays) and to inneract wif foreigners, includin' them what chooses to wear their bedsheets wrapped aroun' emselfs, and a dishcloth on their heddes. Th' auld tecknike of speakin loudly to 'em does nae werke, but my new method of speakin' louder whilst drawrin' a picksher has prooved most suckcessfulle!

Oi could also, for a small eckstra proice, bring along an foine orckestra fer the dancin' music, who can dubble as foreigners for the speakin' lessons and act as if they's the cultchered persons of hostage. (One of me band even can portray a Royal Personage, as 'ee has becomme to consider hisself The Queen of Henglan'.

Th' well rounded Pirate wi' be th one to prosper in th' comin' global economy. Let us werkke t'gevver to make sure these lads me prepared to face a growin' werlde.

Yours,

Commodore Amanda Teach Al-Hanan Lubachevsky Pfefferbaum

Dear Commodore Amanda,

Your proposition is most interesting. At present, we limit our dance education to 'Briny Jigs 101'.

Therefore, your skills would enhance our dance syllabus no end.

Wif your help we will introduce a new elective entitled 'Drunken Romps 201', which will be taught in conjunction with our Distillery Master, Captain Bluenose.

Those truly gifted DR 201 students can then progress to the highly selective 'Bawdy Rum Fuelled Frenzy 301' elective, which will be taught in conjunction with Capn Black Spot, Capn Blue Nose and the 'cracking' talents of Ms Annie Skullard.

Looking forward to seeing your werke and enhancin our school reputation in the fine arts.

Koind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[DaveL]

Dear 'Eadmaster

I be applying to yer school as teacher of Human Biology.  I be an experienced teacher of this subject for many years as the owner of Fifi's.

I not be a great lover of textbooks, what yer students will get with me is fieldwork at my establishment where me wenches an I will give some practical demonstrations to each of yer students.

For these tutorials each student must pay me 1000 dubloons but this is a bargain as they will get far more knowledge of Human Biology at Fifi's than they will get out of a book.

If yer don't give me a job, I be telling yer wife where ye were last night.

Fifi

Dear Madame Fifi,

It's your old pal Cullinane here As principal of this school, I will not allow any visits to your establishment, at least during school hours.

So I will need to restrict your modus operandi to theoretical lessons only. Given your vast experience in the topic, for which I have first hand knowledge, this should prove ample information for our young pirates.

I would like to include your teaching methods in our curricula, provided Oi get a wavier on me next years all access pass.

Kind Regards,

Principal Cullinane (aka Tiger)

[Griffin NoName]

:Start_O_Letter:

Dear BigHead C.

Oi noticed yer asnt filled the persition o IT Tutor. Oi got shit-loads buckets tuns very useful experience at Scumsoft fer meny years an Oi got a CV too long ter go in any compooter. Fervermore, Oi got the patients of a saint wen the little booblighters mek msiteks wot they allus do. Oi av a good trak record o mekin them macheens wurk by brute force too fer witch Oi got the Hooker Award jest last year. Oi knows jest ow ter get the most outer yer ook wen it cums ter tappin the ol' keybored.

Oi ken offer basic level - wich incloods lurnin ter type wiv two eyepaches - intamedjiat level wiv ook-eye co-ordinatiun thrown in - an advanced fer em as aint broke nuthin by then. In advanced them will lern em several stuff loike Hi_Jack, Hack_Her, an a speshial curse in Werms wich we be develepin oursels copyin off a frend expert in erm in Werms as Oi was sayin.

As yer ken see, me compooter compsosed this applikatiun usin its nooral netwerk wot Oi invented so yer ken see Oi'm jest the tikket.

Yousr

Lord earl Cap'n lord TreadMill-Loop ANN

POSTSCrIPt av_OI_got_ther_job Y/N N GO TO Start_O_Letter

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

Deer 'eadmaster,

I would like to apply for t'e posishion of your new skool managemer. I 'ave big ecsp axp eperience wit' stealing off managing great football clubs, such as the P.M.F.C., and great international corporations, such as Mme. Fifi's International Enertainment and Pleasure Industries.

My most notable achievement wos, t'at noone in t'e clubs and corporations, I've managed, got paid for years, and noone complained. I t'ink my experience could be useful, w'en 'andling the lecturers and pupils.

Furthermore my good connections wit' the beer, rum and tonic industry, could be probably of use for the breakfast menu at t'e skool.

Yous suncirely

Cap'n Kiyoodle the Stealing Office Rat Trustworthy

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Dear Applicants,

The school has been inundated wif appl,curriculumummu, queries about all the psitins jobs at the school.

Oi promise Oi will return your replies. As soon as Oi sober up, get out of the Dungeon of Love, finish me budgetary commitments with Fifi the accountant.

Koind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Bluenose]

'Ere yer go, 'eadmaster,

This be that 'ogs'ead o' me special over-proof, err... tonic ye were askin abowt.

Dyer want me ter put it down in the budgetin room (he he, ho ho) where ye be doin th' budget estimates (never 'eard it called that before!) with the new Biology Mistress?

Master o' Distillin' Bluenose

[The Black Spot]

To: Captain Bill Cullinane.

From: Dr Austin Wheelwright PhD, DCO, KFC, AK47 and Bar

RE: THE OPENING OF PORTSMOUTH PIRATE PUBLIC SCHOOL

Sir,

it has come to my attention that your school has engaged the services of a new teaching staff. It has  further come to my attention that this new staff consists of a despicable band of villains, cutthroats, harlots and illiterate drunkards.

We in the Portsmouth Board of Education have set high standards that have to be maintained in all our seats of learning. We are aghast at the nature of the vile establishment that you propose to open.

You will, of course, get a full hearing before we close you down. I therefore require that you ensure that your report, or a fat brown envelope, is on my desk by tomorrow morning.

Yours faithfully

(squiggle)

[DaveL]

Deer 'eadmaster,

I would like to apply for t'e posishion of your new skool managemer. I 'ave big ecsp axp eperience wit' stealing off managing great football clubs, such as the P.M.F.C., and great international corporations, such as Mme. Fifi's International Enertainment and Pleasure Industries.

My most notable achievement wos, t'at noone in t'e clubs and corporations, I've managed, got paid for years, and noone complained. I t'ink my experience could be useful, w'en 'andling the lecturers and pupils.

Furthermore my good connections wit' the beer, rum and tonic industry, could be probably of use for the breakfast menu at t'e skool.

Yous suncirely

Cap'n Kiyoodle the Stealing Office Rat Trustworthy

Dear Kiyoodle,

While yer be possessin' many fine talents there, we would strongly urge your wealth liberating skills be harnessed for robbing others generating funds at the school.

We would like you to participate in our special financial management subjects. 'Liberating Others of their Wealth 101' 'Healthy, Wealthy and Evil 201' and for the truly gifted 'Merchant Vessel Funds Transfer Management 301'

Having your financial skills will teach our kiddies about investing their ill gotten gains.

Come in for an interview at once.

Kind Regards,

Prinicipal Cullinane

PS Can yer send Dr Austin Wheelwright PhD, DCO, KFC, AK47 and Bar a brown paper envelope advance. Oi just spent all me money on the budget estimates. Ta!

[Bluenose]

S T R I C K L Y   C O N F I D E N S H U L

To: 'Eadmaster

From Master of D'stillin

Dear 'Eadmaster,

Oi aheared that Dr Austin Wheelwright PhD, DCO, KFC, AK47 and Bar be amaking a newsents o' hisself.  If ye ba avin ani trubbel wiv 'im, Oi 'ave some interstin fotograffs taken on a resent voyage ter the far east wot he undertook on me ship wen Oi last visitied that part o' the globe.  Ye mite loik ter mention Chantel, Roxanne and Bubbles oo were 'is "assistants" an' enquire as to just who "Snooky" woz.  Oi am sure that you will foind 'im ter be much more accommodatin after ye do this.

Master o' distillin (an' skullduggery) Bluenose

[DaveL]

Dear Sibling Bluenose,

Thankyou so much for your most gracious assistance. Putting that bastid naughty regulator in his place will save us all a trip to prison fortune.

Make your necessary arrangements.

By the way, I heard that Bustlin Brian has bin givin' you a hard time with his 1800-BASTARD helpline(run by his mum) and his dodgy distillery pipes.

O'ill set a few of me crank calling students onto him. Brian and his mum will be fieldin' a few phone calls of the 'Madame Fifi' variety. That should keep him honest for a while...YArr!

Kind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[The Black Spot]

To: Captain Bill Cullinane

From: Dr Austin Wheelwright PhD, DCO, KFC, AK47 and Bar


RE: THE OPENING OF PORTSMOUTH PIRATE PUBLIC SCHOOL

Thank you for your bung detailed report. The contents seemed more than adequate. However, a small matter needs to be resolved before I can approve the opening of your establishment.

I was sipping my tea and preparing my letter of recommendation for your school when a loud, drunken thug burst into my office. This unspeakable oaf then began demanding - in very coarse terms, I may say - that I give him your bribe report in exchange for several rather colourful photographs.

As he was heavily armed and rather insistant, I thought it prudent to go along with the request.

I have no idea who this grotesque creature was, but judging by his ferocious appearance, vulgar language and complete absence of higher brain function, I can only assume that he is a member of your teaching staff. You may be able to identify him by the heavy smell of alcohol that surrounds him and the curious hissing noise made by his legs when he walks.

I was considering asking you for the return of your backhander report, but the bilge rat's head I found in my bed this morning has persuaded me to consider this matter closed.

Yours

squiggle

[Black Bart]

Dear Principal Cullinane

Have you any idea what sort of children will be taking up residence in the new school?  I have heard rumours that it is to be a school of Piracy, but if it is to be a public school I assume they will be posh Pirates.  We must do lunch some time to discuss.

Yours truly

Lady Penelope Fotheringhay Hulme
Principal of St Winifred's Public School for posh girls
Accross the street from the pirate school (gulp!)

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Prinsepal

Owin ter not avin erd from yer regaardin me applicaision fer It teechin, Oi as taken ther libertee o infestin assistin yer netwerk wiv a few o me best trojians. Yer will foind them elpful an eeger ter bang out draft sootable replies fer ye.

Them also be niftee at printin out the reddies bank notes; jest load yer printer wiv sum water-stayned A4 an cut along of the dotted lines. Oi opes this feetuour will proove yoosful in the currant climaite.

Oi will be earin from ye.

Lord Cap'n Lord Treadmill-Loop ANN