Vote 08: The Portsmouth Council Elections

[Pachyderm]

Really? Oi jest nicked wun off me crew. Oi thunk it used ter belong to a Seaman Peabody.

[anthrobabe]

Well folks the recount isn't going very well.
We still don't have a clear winner of really anything here in Portsmouth.
I think that maybe if we could get in someone who could actually count we'd be doing better.

[Bluenose]

Well, Oi culd releese sum o' th' Pirate Scouts from distillery dutie.  Oi'd make sure to send only those wot be suitably bribed qualified ter make shoore that th' roight kandidate be declared th' winner.

[Black Bart]

Aaarrgh...wotever...I has decided to return to the Piratey bit o this forum...tis too dangerous elsewhere!

[anthrobabe]

You jus bring that there ballots box back rite now ye scoundrel---
What ballots box? you dares innocently askes
The one in yer kilt be the one I be speakin of
an no funny bizzness I know hits the ballots box an not sumpin else atall.
Tryin to waltzes out o here wif it--  ye be walking likes ye got that mumps wif it stuk under ye kilt-- what r ye finkin tryin that.

(I am beginning to see the problem with the recount-- from now on all kilts must be fastidiously inspected before leaving.)

[Griffin NoName]

Woth'ever 'appens, dont let BB tek that ballet box on boward 'is ship. Not wiv all the pirates wot be abowt jest now !!

[anthrobabe]

they be pirates all over the news now days-- publicity an all not bein a specully gud fing rite now whot wif tha recount goin so bad.
Scuse me a moment oi be hearin some screamin fum the rekount room.

sigh-- they be a bunch o whiney beggers
Oh gives us some water
Can we please haves some porridge or bread or somefin
Mighten we haves a few hours out o doors in tha sun
nag, nag, nag

But about some o hour pirates-- hits alright if they hever managered to catch a oil tanker they'd not be able to figger out how to open the blasted fink up to get the oil out.

[anthrobabe]

OFFICIAL RECOUNT NEWS AND UPDATES
HERE ON A MORE OR LESS REGULAR BASIS
EXCEPT ALTERNATE WEDNESDAYS AND FREE BEER NIGHT AT THE SALTY DOG

*Current counts:
Mayor Liversausage-- 2-- however both appear to be in the same identical handwriting so there is a question of authenticity.

Black Bart-- 23 (amazingly this is the exact number of entertainers at madam fifis). All perfumed and on pink paper.

Dave L-- 423 with 10 or so mail in votes being held up by the postal service due to no postage being affixed to them when mailed. He promises to fight until the end- when he returns from China that is.

Griffin No Name-- some one sent in a bag of assorted nuts with her name on them- the dabate as to whether or not to count the entire bag as one or as each individual nut as one plus the bag as an additional one continues- there have been blows exchanged-also some of the potential votes have dissapeared likely eated-and at least one wit holds out that the bag was an attempted bribe and should be forfeit in toto.

**Bluenose-- one very nasty limerick written on a ballot about a cod and a mermaid-- not fit for publishin--

Pachyderm-- 98-- and also the local utilites have sent in his last 3 months electric bill they figger it'll catch up with him eventually

Pieces of Nine-- 4,653-- unfortunately this makes Pieces official dog catcher and was not what the actually election was for there seems to have been a communications error between her campaign headquarters and Catpins thug posse.

The Canadian fella  -- 33,212,696  yes it would seem that every single soul in Canada has voted for our dear Agujjim-- alas none of them count as they are not legally registered voters here in Portsmouth. Good show on all counts matey. Possible looming immigration issues for next election.

Captain Cronan- 1-- and it wasn't from his mother either- it was from Blind Jack.

If your name is not on this list do not be concerned-ok maybe be slightly concerned- but not too much- you will be contacted shortly.

*please be aware that these counts may be off- ocassionally by a wide margin- the making little stacks of paper isn't working to well as everytime one of the buggars makes wind the whole thing has to start over. Also we aren't sure that any of them can actually count.

** for a complete uncensored text of said epic length lemerick please send 5 pd sterling to saucy gert at the Admiral Benbow and include a self addressed pre-stamped envelope as well.

[Pachyderm]

local utilites have sent in his last 3 months electric bill they figger it'll catch up with him eventually


Good luck wif that. Address c/o D. Jones, The Locker, 7  Seas...

[Griffin NoName]

Summat be rong wiv me red sqwirrel breedin' program. They be all skrawny an' deaded.

[pieces o nine]

Cronan's Curlers! Awl oi kin sais is, 'ere be wot 'appens wen ye gives de "mock racy" t' de hunwashed masses.

Oi shudders t' fink wot a 'orribull mess wood en-soo iffen de *washed* masses got 'old ov hit!

[anthrobabe]

RECOUNT UPDATE
Late Afternoon Neverending madness edition

We have had some new 'mail in' votes arrive here at re-kount headquarters.
We have also hire a troop of polydactylous-polydactyly-lots of fingered and toed circus personages on holiday to help with the re-kount(at least each of them can count higher than 10 and the hope is that it will speed things up a bit) editors note- remove before printing: personally this is a load of rubbish but we have to print something good

Dave L--- postmarked China, via Saskatchewan and Timbuktu-- 15 votes written on paper cocktail napkins from the Lobby Lounge @ Shangri-la for Captain Dave L. Authenticity in debate- there is no way that 15 current and legally registered Portsmouth voters are currently in Shanghai. *

Black Bart-- 1,661-- like we didn't see this coming. Obviously they have been written by his various prisoners as most are simply added to the bottom of various ransom notes and such. However at least 4 re-kounts officials would like to start a committee to investigate their veracity further before rejecting them out of hand.(is someone paying the gits by the hour or something?)

Darlica-- 167 and one vote made of a very large paw print and signed simply L

Alpaca-- A packet of 30 votes has been found stuffed in a boot- that was on the foot of one very shifty looking re-kounts official-- boot (and foot) have been confiscated and the search is on for more ill hidden but possibly viable votes.

beagle-- He sent us a note letting us know that he would have no part in this dastardly capaitalist North American mafia thing-a-m-a giggy we were doing 'round here however if elected he would serve as king for life. Obviously someone has misinformed him-- it's for mayor- not king for life.

Kiyo--  100  also sent a note: full text as follows
"Please to send more beer-- Thank you in advance-- Kiyo the K"
editors note: remove before printing: in the editors humble opinion this one should be the winner- relaxed under pressure, at ease in all seasons, makes new friends easily, doesn't have a graft bone in his body, has a pleasant singing voice

Goat -- Folks he even has the trolls on his side this time-- 45 from under the bridge votes.

  have been sighted in the area if anyone has professor Swato on speed dial then now would be the time.

In further re-kount news
Oh bloody hell who can take any more of it right now- I'm going for a drink.

* and you buggers thought it was a made up fake bar-- lookie here

[Black Bart]

Aaarrrgh...we've just heard that Dave L's bin Shanghaid by...er...Japanese Pirates...wot looked an awful lot loik Somali Pirates but dey weren't honest...honest as my name is Bartholomew.

[anthrobabe]

R-Kount Update
L-Tryptophan version 3.15

Who in the bleedin heck gave out my personal email address?
From this moment further all votes emailed to this reporter will be non-valid and not counted.
Unless paypal funds is included in full!

Griffin No Name-- 25 votes -- Griffin knows how the paypal works

Black Bart--- minus 1 vote-- Lady Elizabeth Gattleby be not happy after h'opening her surprise box of chocolates whot wuz brung to 'er by 'im an findin only tha wrappers.

Currently our total votes kount for all candidates stands at about 561,001(not counting the votes for that Canadian fella)--- this is odd as we only have about 500 or so legally registered voters here in Portsmouth.
I've jus been hinformed that fleas are in fact allowed to vote here in Portsmouth.
This does not bode well.
Obviously this is going to continue yet fer a while.
'Less anyone whants to drops out now.

Stand by for coverage of Gubner Sara Twiddlepratts hannual pardoning of the lepers- brung to you live via stereoscopic black and white stills vision.

[anthrobabe]

(voice over announcer)
May we have your attention please- we interrupt your radio program-Rich Cronan Poor Cronan-at this time for some breaking news

(announcer continues in loud colorful voice)
WE HAVE A WINNER!

Meromorph the grand is declared the winner because they be a pirate whots can speel quorworate / qourade/ majority and nows how to do maths like percentages and stuffs.

scuffling sounds
muffled screaming
thump
dragging sounds

(voice-not of the announcer- comes on radio)
ARGH! Be this blasted thing on? ARGH! we does appologize for dis 'ere hinteruption of ye showe-- aktually it were a show hits own. We wuz playin a tricksey on ye wif that there winner deklared an all. There hain aktually a winner yet.
not until we sez so

click sound
more dragging and scuffling

Rich Cronan-Poor Cronan resumes