Vote 08: The Portsmouth Council Elections

[DaveL]

Dear Citizens of Portsmouth,

The 1700's are a time of change, bubonic plague, rampant colonialism, sailing ship infested harbours. What's the world comming too?

The time has come to vote your new Municipal Council once again.  Political parties and concerned citizens, state your issues here and now.

What are the issues that affect you? How will you vote a this years ballot?

The following parties have already registered to stand:

The Right Wing Upper Crust Twit Association (RWUCTA)
The Keith Liversausage Advancement Party (KLAP)
Concerned Butchers of Portsmouth (CBOP)
Unconcerned Pirates and Blaggards (UPAB)

Register you party or concerns, right here right now.

Signed,

C.McBunty

Cecil McBunty
Electoral Officer
Portsmouth Electoral Commission

[Griffin NoName]

Me party stands fer wipin' owt scurvy and scurvy bastards.

Vote fer us.

Vote fer SCABS.

[DaveL]

Dear SCABS,

Please accept the electoral funding consisting of 5 barrels of oranges. You forthwith have permission to demonstrate your aforementioned skills on Council steps next week.

[Bluenose]

Vote 1 SOPP!

The Sell Out Portsmouth Party 'as all the same policy thingies as all the uther parties, we jest be honest about what will really do when we get in power.

[DaveL]

Dear SOP-sters

Welcome aboard. I look forward to seeing a new electoral commision building being constructed, should you win office (without my ballot rigging skills of course).

[Black Bart]

Vote for the Concerned Residents About Buccaneer Standards party

or CRABS for short.

[anthrobabe]

Solve all yer problems at once

VOTE for SAUCY GERT!
(I pledge myself to be the candidate of the highest paying party-- so to get Gert as your candidate start bidding now!)

amounts pledged to date:
CRABS----- 2 pairs itchy long johns and $5 Cronan
SOPP------ $12 Cronans and a case of expired lager with the expiration date highlighted for honesty
SCABS----  2 crates of recycled bandage material and 14 lb sterling looted from the Tortugas.
C. McBunty---- unprintable offer

(they all ain't doin good so ye've all gots a good chance o gettin candidate Gert)

[Bluenose]

Dear SOP-sters

Welcome aboard. I look forward to seeing a new electoral commision building being constructed, should you win office (without my ballot rigging skills of course).

Yarrr.  Ye seem ter be under a misaprehenshun there matey,  We jest be 'onest about what we'll do when we be in power.  We jest as prepared as the werst o th' uthers to lie and cheat ter get elected.  'Ow much duzz yer ballot rigging skills cost? 

New Electoral Commission building, did Oi hear ye say?  Well, Oi knows a certain Chinese businessman who is lookin ter hinvest in the local area, Iffen ye loike Oi am sure Oi can arrange an hintroduckshun, he be mighty keen...

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cecil

OY!!!  We be misled. Oi hunderstood ther wuld be 8 partees ter chews from.

Oi demand a name chainge. Vote 05 !!

Yours disgruntled
A concerned citizen
Norman Dumbrain

[DaveL]

Dear Norman,

You are absoultely right. I think we will have a murderous purge, particularly Tiddles gets going. It will be worse than Pakistan.

Stay away from Tiddles opponents at all cost.

[Pachyderm]

Roight. In response ter the blaggardly few whut re-peetedly is nickin' stuff in our own waters, we has formed

Residents
Against
Pirating
In
English
Riveria


RAPIER, we has a point....

[DaveL]

Dear CRABS Party,

It has been brought the PEC's attention that you are taking your name alittle too seriously. Several residents have complained that they had live crusteaceans shoved in their letter boxes, with VOTE 1 written on them.

Can you please collect these unfortumate creatures and return them to the sea. Alternatively, we can share the spoils, as seafood is pretty darned expensive. Crab Bisque would go down a treat!

Regards,

C McGinty
PEC
Electoral Officer

[Black Bart]

Dear SOP-sters

Welcome aboard. I look forward to seeing a new electoral commision building being constructed, should you win office (without my ballot rigging skills of course).

Yarrr.  Ye seem ter be under a misaprehenshun there matey,  We jest be 'onest about what we'll do when we be in power.  We jest as prepared as the werst o th' uthers to lie and cheat ter get elected.  'Ow much duzz yer ballot rigging skills cost? 

New Electoral Commission building, did Oi hear ye say?  Well, Oi knows a certain Chinese businessman who is lookin ter hinvest in the local area, Iffen ye loike Oi am sure Oi can arrange an hintroduckshun, he be mighty keen...

Is this the same Chinese fellar wot I had in me crew on The Big Brenda once. 

I asked im if he could do carpentry an he said no.

I asked im if he could mend sails, he said no.

I asked im if he could cook, he said no...

Oh well I said, ye can work on supplies.

Later in the voyage I went up on deck...'anyone seen that Chinese bloke what we took on last month?...

The Chinese fellar jumped out from behind a barrel and shouted "SUPPLISE!"

[DaveL]

Dear Ms S. Gert,

The electoral commission has recieved a report that you are offering free drinks to every customer who pledeges you their vote.

* Can the Admiral Benbow afford to support your offer?
* Does the publican know you are doing this?
* Can I have a pint of Whinnying Nag at once?

[pieces o nine]

To :Cecil McBunty
Electoral Officer
Portsmouth Electoral Commission

Mr. McBunty:

Yarrr, as oi was stumblin outta thee Benbow returning from thee shoppes church this mornin, oi found sumone as tacked broshures all up and down the dock. Sample henclosed:



amd on thee back:

VOTE TIDDLES!
If Elected, Candidate Tiddles Promises:
A Bilge Rat in Every Pot
Amnesty For Mutineering Cats*
Cutlass and Pistol Control Laws Revoked
Renewed Sand Beaches in Portsmouth Harbor
Grog Will Be Served in Bowls
More Cats Appointed to Influential Posts
No Income Taxes on First Million Dubloons
Letters of Marque to Pursue Tiddle's Sworn Enemies

* Bounty Still in Effect on All Parrots

Yarrr, these campane promises gets more redikoolus all the toime: those wot don't have the forsayght to cultivate their own bilge rats don't deserve no handouts. Altho more cats in publick office won't make no difrence, so far as oi kin tell.

Arrrgh, thee last one has me sumwot worried, loike. How could ye no, hoiperthetickly, if ye are on the Sworn Enemies List? Be it anything loike thee No Fly List? Is it dangerous to associate wiv pyrates wot are on the List? Which queue window for them Letters of Marque?

Thankin' ye,
Pieces o Nine
Cap'n, The Mad Moggies Revenge