Ask Big Ron and Bustlin’ Brian – Your Pirate Home Handymen…

[DaveL]

Dear Luciano,

Thankyou for your praise.

There be nuthin' better than firing off an F#. I keep one special when Oi needs to wow the crowd.

O'id get into the baked beans or dried fruit. YArrghh, you'll be doin' more F#'s than normal.

Dear Capn Shortarse,

Good thing you wern't standing behind Luciano after me handy advice. The 2nd back row would be more like the front row when Luciano gets going.

[The Black Spot]

Dear Bustlin' Brian

I were 'aving a quiet pint in the Admiral Benbow the other night, when there were a huge flash follered by an explosion from the kitchen.

We managed to pull the cook (Greasy Jim MaHoy) out o' the wreckage. Greasy Jim were holdin' the shattered remains o' what looked like a new but very cheap gas pipe.

"'Ee got me," Jim wheezed. "Bluddy cowboy! That swine'll do fer us all." Before 'ee passed out, he shakily drew a letter "B" in the dust.

This got me to thinking. Me own cook said we needed a new hob fitted in the galley. Any chance ye could pop over later in the week?

[Black Bart]

This got me to thinking. Me own cook said we needed a new hob fitted in the galley. Any chance ye could pop over later in the week?

Utter Blaggard and fiend!

Ye know darn well I be guest cook in yer galley fer Christmas Dinner!

[DaveL]

Dear Mr Spot,

O'ill ave a word to me parole officer. I've 'aves a few other problems to content wif in prison.

Oi be sharin' me cell with a 300 lb brute named Elroy, who thinks Oi have nice thighs.

[Black Bart]

YYYAARRRR...Thighs...That reminds me of a young wenchy I used ta know, she went to the doctor with a bit of a cough.  The doctor put his stethascope to her chest and said:

'Big Breaths'

The young wenchy replies: 'Yes, and I'm only thixsteen!'

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

After viewin' the film footage of you in the Portsmouth Arrrgghus, we are convinced you are a squid.

I hopes you can control your ink sac a bit better in future. 

Will you be auditioning for the role of Kraken in Pirates of the Carribean 3?

Regards,

Mrs Mildred Hubble

[Black Bart]

No sorry Ron...
The Kraken's part has already been taken...by Big Brenda!
Poor Jack Sparrow!

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

Oi heard that CH4 is an odourless gas. Is it true?

Koind regards,

Ernest Codrington
Deaf Village Elder

[The Black Spot]

Dear Ernest Codrington

The odour of methane is inversely proportional to the vibrations it produces in the air. It is well known as the "silent but violent" gas.

Yours

Professor Blockednose

[DaveL]

Dear Bustlin Brian,

You are a very attractive prison cell mate. Can you retrieve the soap for me?

Love Elroy

[DaveL]

Dear Elroy,

While I am very flattered, it's very difficult forming an attachment to another human being. Especially when you are a 300 lb psychopath, that's been incarcerated for cutting a swathe through the village square with a meat cleaver. 

I think that your affections will however, be cut short, when my long lost brother in the Continuous Briny Fable busts me out of here. 

I therefore suggest you take up a new hobby. Knitting is 'tres chic' at present. YArrr...there be nuthin better than bribin' a prison guard wif a nice knitted vest or woolly socks.

Can we just be good friends? I know you'll take it really well.

Koind Regards,

Bustlin 'Soap-on-a-rope' Brian

[Black Bart]

Dear Bustlin Brian

Why didn't ye just plumb yer way out o prison?

Yours Sincerely

Giscard D'Etang
Chairman 'Le tunnel sous le Manche plc'

[DaveL]

Dear Giscard D'Etang

Unfortunately O'ive tried sneakin away at night, but Elroy keeps a rather close watch. The affections of a rotund bearded psychopath, madly in love wifs me, are hard to shake.

Anyways, next times he rolls over and stops huggin me O'ill try again.

Yours sincerely,

Bustlin 'stop snorin' Elroy' Brian

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

Oi bin 'avin trubble wif someone who keeps fondlin' me meat. Every time Oi whip it out, it keeps gettin' man-handled.

Can yer give me some tips fer gettin the most out me 'in-the-window meat' display. Should I try showin me sausage a bit more?

Koind Regards,

Big _ _ _ _
Rival Butcher Shop
Portsmouth

[DaveL]

Dear Big _ _ _ (Yarrrr, I thought I wuz answerin this for Playbilge)

The art of arranging yer 'in-the-window display' is a very delicate business. You've got to be very careful where you put your meat. If put yer sausages in the wrong spot, the customers may never see what you've got to offer. 

Make sure you display your sausage at every opportunity. Showin' off a big Bratwurst will have the customers rollin' through the doors.

And make sure they get a good geek at your Cabanosi. A bit of continental fare is always a treat.

Noone will be manhandlin yer meat if you show it off with pride.

So good luck in the butchery business. My people will be round to see your people - real soon.

Kind Regards,

Big 'All competition shall be eliminated' Ron