Ask Big Ron and Bustlin’ Brian – Your Pirate Home Handymen…

[Black Bart]

Dear Ernest

I presume you will be requiring your usual delivery of chipolatas for the church hall Christmas Lunch...viz a viz any picketing of my business why don't you picket Mount Vesuvius which belches out lots of hot gas and probably has more control over it than I do!

Ron

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

Oi'm an awfully shy young fella, an' Oi be havin trubbles wif talkin' to the ladies. Every toimes Oi go to talk to one, Oi get all shy an' embarrased.

Given your infinite charm an wisdom wif the opposite sex, can yer gives me some tips fer hitten a home run.

Koind Regards,

Thirdmate Will Theresaway

[DaveL]

Dear Will,

The art of charming the ladies from a butchers perspective boils down to the following reasons.

1. When a lady enters a butcher shop, it is rare for her to be confronted by so many male folk behind the counter;

2. Every butcher is always happy, even when he's having a bad day, chronically depressed or his best friend just died. We are perpetually happy!

3. Wearing those blue and white butcher's aprons just sends the girls crazy! It's a signal that we are sensitive new age kinda guys.

4. It's the saucy way we handle our thick cut 'veal and rosemary' sausages that just sends 'em wild.

Speaking of wearing things, me and the Portsmouth shop owners are doin' a semi-nude photo shoot for a new calendar called 'The Men of Portsmouth'.

O'ill be in it wearing just me butchers apron but not much else. Bustlin Brian will be in it, wearing a shifter spanner, but not much else. Honest John O'Grady will be it in wearing a used ship sign, but not much else...(ewww!)

So yer see laddy, the butcher is exposed to many fine opportunities to meet the ladies. O'id be throwing in yer thirdmateship and take up an apprenticeship in me new shop 'Big Rons-Express Cuts'.

In regards to hitten a home run, no idea what you mean. I'm married to Laura, and I...erm never mind.

Kind Regards,

Big Ron
(Mr July)

[The Black Spot]

Dear Big Ron

The crew be gettin' hacked off with fish head stew, so I promised them a big meat pie fer their supper termorrow, an now they're really lookin' forward to it.

Trouble is, all that's left on the ship be a bottle o' lime cordial an a packet o' Jaffa Cakes.

Can yer make a decent steak an kidney pie out o' a ship's cat? 'Ee's a bit stringy looking.

Any ideas yer have could save me life.

Yours

Chef Craddock

[Calico Jack]

Yer problem be is there will not be enough to feed yer crew as a stringy cat will give you half a plate to share b'tween 40 swabs, so I don't think it would go down to well with yer lads.

A bit revolutionary I know but as you ever thought when you catch the fish to throw away the head and keep the rest, i.e a complete reversal of what you be doing now. There be more to go round and it tastes much better.

Yours helpfully

Big Ron

[DaveL]

Dear Bustlin Brian,

Oi be havin a bit of trubbles wif me water hammer. When Oi asked  for some advice, Ole Mavis Marshall next door said it was caused by dwarves hittin' me wall wif pick axes.

Should Oi be watchin Lord of The Rings to see if Gimli whacks the walls during the bathin' scenes. Or should Oi tell Mrs Marshall she's an absolute loon.

Koind Regards,

Mr Elrond Rivendell

[The Black Spot]

Dear Mr Rivendell

Oi've seen Mavis Marshall 'anging around the docks, an she 'as some peculiar habits.

Knowin' the sorts o' things she gets up to, it wouldn't surprise me if she had several dwarves bangin' things in 'er room.

Yours,

Brian

[Black Bart]

Dear Bustlin Brian

I know you are a plumber but I was wonderin if ye could elp me with my ring.  It has brought me nothin but trouble and now a big hairy bloke is tellin me I've got to drop me ring in a volcano. Well cobblers to him...  I was wonderin if ye could take the trouble to come and have a look at my ring and perhaps you could use your blow torch on it...a couple o thousand degrees should do the trick! There's a free pass to Lothlorien Elf Maid Paradise in it fer ye!

Yours Frodo Baggins

[DaveL]

Dear Frodo,

A good scorchin of yer ring is a very healthy thing. Good fer checking out all those funky runes. O'ill bring be 'Bustlin Brian's EX9777 (TM)' oxy welding kit around an see if we can set Sauron and his black riders off on a frenzied chase.

O'ill see yer down at LEMP later on where we can try out the Saruman chamber of pleasure. Watch out for Madame She-Orc, she be quite a stunner (not).

Regards,

Brian

[Bluenose]

Dear Big Ron,

Oi be 'avin a bot er trubbel wiv me still.  It seems that everytime Oi gets it up ter presher it springs a leek an Oi have ter stick a Band-Aid on it ter keep all the jibbers in.  Me still be more Band-Aid than metal now, and Oi was wonderin iffen ye could give me sum noice tips on 'ow ter go abowt makin a new wun.

This be very urgent as Oi 'av jess applied fer the position of Distillery Master at the Portsmouth Pirate Public School an' oi needs ter be ready fer the new term.

Cap'n Bluenose

[DaveL]

Dear Sibling Bluenose,

Congratulations on your new appointment!! O'ive heard many bad things about that school, so anything you do will be an improvement. YArr!

Knowing how to wield your pipe is a fine art. You can't just make a new pipe wherever you like. O'id try replacing that pipe wif something like 'Bustling Brians Super Expensive Distillery Pipe (TM). It be a bargain at only 5x the price of a standard pipe.

As they say, if it's expensive it must be good. So make sure you quote your Cronan card number, so Oi can charge yer extra for postage.

Best of luck in the new job as yer may need to werke overtime to pay for me pipe.

Koind Regards,

Bustlin Brian

[The Black Spot]

Dear Brian,

I were throwin' out an old metal curtain rod this mornin' when a man 'oo looked just like you ran over an' picked it up.

'Ee slapped a sticker on it that said "very expensive special pipe", then wrapped it up an' stuck it in the Post Box.

What be going on 'ere?

[Bluenose]

Dear Brian,

Thank ye fer th' new pipe, it arrived in th' mail this mornin.  Oi ave fitted it accordin ter yer instruckshuns and now it be actin as a foine kondensa.  Oi'm a bit unsure abowt the chewin gum holdin it ter the pot, but it seems ter be doin the business fer now.

Now that Oi've fixed up that part of the systum, Oi be wantin ter noe iffen ye have ani eye-dears abowt how Oi can control the rate of kombustchen in the fire pot.  Wot dyer think?

Cap'n Bluenose

[DaveL]

Dear Sibling Bluenose,

There be nuthin better than be 'Bustlin Brians X3400 Pressure Vessel'. They be an absolute steal @ 1 treasure chest each.

Yer combustion problems will be solved due to me secret 'patented' burner.

Lookin forward to receipt of that treasure chest!!

Monetarily kind regards,

Brian

(Now where's that ole bunsen burner Oi flogged?)

[Bluenose]

Dear Brian,

Oi reseeved th' new X3400 Pressure Vessel komplete wiv th' Secret "Patented" Burner this afternoon.  Oi trust ye fownd the treasure chest to yer satisfakshun, Oi must admit it were a bit of a stretch ter fill it up wiv all them 10 carat diamons, black perls and gold bars loike ye spesifyed, but Oi'm shore it be werf it in th' long run ter get the advice o' sumwun as skilled as yerself.

Unfortunately it seems loike a rat got in an ate some of th' instrucshuns, 'coz Oi carnt find anywhere wot tells me wot ter do wiv the bit Oi found in a box marked 'Cyclops Supa Fire Engine Ride On'.  Me cabin boy's eyes lit up wen 'e sore that bit but Oi be tellin 'im it be too danjerus fer the loikes o' 'im.  Oi'm thinkin it be part of the fuel delivvry system fer the burner, but Oi jess carnt make 'ead nor tail o' it.

Eegerlie awaitin yer reply,

Cap'n Bluenose