Ask Big Ron and Bustlin’ Brian – Your Pirate Home Handymen…

[Calico Jack]

Dear Ron

Spot, Dave L and I were recently invited back to Bart's ship to eat, drink an make merry.

Bart cooked the main dish imself which e said contained one of Ron's finest sausages but it was awful fare, fatty, tasteless an rubbery.

I am not sure if either yer sausages are bad, Bart's cooking is awful or worse still Bart is a lying varmint claiming them to be yers.

I don't believe it meself, that it could be one o yer fine sausages Ron an I would be grateful if you could confirm fer me that you as never given Bart any of yer Sausages. 

CJ

[Black Bart]

I confirm that Ron has never given me one...not even when I was dressed as a French maid!

What d'ye expect ye blaggard comin on my ship hexpectin fine cuisine like a froggy...ye'll get Fish Head Stew and be grateful for it!

[DaveL]

Dear Calico Jack,

The world of fine meat purveying is indeed a cutthroat business, much like yours. There are some low life varmint that will stoop to using the Big Ron's brand name.

I've just come back from a trip to SE Asia, and noted Big Ron's sausages being sold in the markets for 1/5th the price (!!! oops, pardon me)

When Oi asked what was in the sausages, the vendor pointed towards the animal section of the markets and started going 'woof woof'.

Oi was mightily impressed with the resourcefulness of these fellows - so much in fact that Oi sued 'em in the Scurvy Disciplinary Board.

Yer can never be certain if your sausage has been tampered with or not. They don't call 'em 'mystery bags' for nuthin'.

O'ill be watchin those Bart Industry fellows like a pork, sorry hawk.

Regards,

Big Ron

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRR...I've heard Big Ron's sausage be goin down well in Bancock!

[DaveL]

Dear Bustlin' Brian,

Yesterday Oi wuz charged an exhorbitant fee to clear a blocked...150 dubloon, by your ole boss Mr 'Golden Taps Graveson'.

When Oi aksed Graveron fer an itemised bill, he said that wuz none of me business.

Do yer have any tips for dealin with 'obstinate rip off merchant' plumbers? Should Oi send the Piratica soccer team round to sort 'im out?

Kind Regards,

Mr Nobby Earnshaw
Dockside Merchant

[Calico Jack]

Well Mr Earnshaw it be an itemised bill you be wanting.  Well me experience suggests that the following charges be appropriate.

20 Dubloons Call out Charge
30 Dubloons Tea Drinking Charge (works out at 3 Dubloons a cup so 10 cups is 30 dubloons)
10 Dubloons Chatting with me mate Tiny Tim regarding the ever increasing price of faucets
20 Dubloons to stand over the blocked toilet and tut loudly this is going to cost an arm an a leg sir.
50 Dubloons After further thought to recommend that the blockage cannot be cleared as it is stuck to far down. I would then suggest that you get yerself a new toilet. You see a good plumber will never clear a blockage if e can help it, it takes time you see and is a bit messy.
10 Dubloons to add up the bill
60 Dubloons Service Charge This is voluntary but if yer don't pay I'll stick me spanners somewhere else.
200 Dubloons be the Total Charge

So I be thinking you av had value for money as I would charge 200 Dubloons without clearing yer blockage. So stop moaning I am a very busy man

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRR...I thinks me and the crew will carry on crappin over the side, it be cheaper!

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

Oi be havin trouble wif makin a nice chorizo sausage.  Oi wuz told that addin a bit of cayenne pepper wif me chorizo will work a treat.

Unfortunately Oi think Oi used too much and it's now it's werkin a treat me entire family on the latrine.

Can yer give me any tips for the fine art of Spanish sausage makin'.

Koind Regards,

Mr Oops Oi Gotta-go

[Black Bart]

Dear Dave L.

Ye be tryin to run afore ye can walk.  Chorizo be in me Advanced sausage making sylabus. Ye needs to attend me 'Sausage makin fer beginners' course at 450 dubloons per 6 week session.

Within 2 years ye'll ave graduated to the Intermediate stage where ye'll be doin practical things such as CAD sausage design and blindfold sausage tasting.

For an application form please contact:
Big Ron's Sausage Emporium
4, The Butcher's yard
Cumberland Lane,
Portsmouth.

[DaveL]

Dear Bustlin Brian,

Oi've bin havin trubbles handling me husband's big downpipe. He told me to leave it alone or I'll go blind. But it's in dire need of a good workover...or the rain will get in.

Should Oi be playing with sumthin so big, or can yer gives me a few tips for handling such a delicate piece of conduit?

Oi be aksin fer sum professhernul 'elp, an yer me only hope.

Kind Regards,

Mrs Mildred O'Farrell

[Calico Jack]

Dear Mrs O'Farrell

I be aving many questions from me lady clients who be aving problems with their husband's downpipes.

I can help yer there me dear, I be coming over now an I can giv you a replacement downpipe that is much more reliable than yer husbands's.  Yer see the problem is not the size of the pipe its ow you insert it an I can ensure that this be placed in the right aperture.

Yours helpfully Bustling Brian

[Black Bart]

Dear Mrs O

As I promised I be comin over to fix yer old mans downpipe. I always brings a lot of equipment on me jobs and I hears ye be the proud owner of an ACME implement receptical. I'll be bringin an extra big spanner for the job and what I be askin is...can I put me tool in yer box?

Yours Bustlin Brian

[The Black Spot]

Dear Bustlin Brian

I were comin' out the privy the other day, when one o' the deck swabs 'eld 'is nose an sed summit in a loud voice. I grabbed 'old o' the swab an jammed is head right down the pan. "Arrr," I said. "Now something HAS died in there."

D'ye think I should buy one o' those little pine air fresheners?

[Black Bart]

Dear Black Spot

Ye'd reduce yer plumbin bill quite considerably if ye didn't keep gettin members, or for that matter members of members, of your crew stuck in your sanitary instalations. Also, could I point out that removing body parts from the barrel of a cannon is not strictly a plumbing job.

Yours Sincerely

Brian

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

Wif all this talk about global warmin', us villagers 'ave bin wunderin how you are gonna help reduce your own greenhouse gas emmishuns.

You know what we mean...eg vindaloo, eg dried apricots, eg spicy sausages...

Please advise, or we will picket your butcher shop.

Kind Regards,

Ernest Pertwhistle
President,
Morninton Village Greenhouse Gas Reduction Society