Ask Big Ron and Bustlin’ Brian – Your Pirate Home Handymen…

[DaveL]

Yarrrr...

Have yer ever watched those lifestyle programs, where they dig up some expert to tell yer the bleedin obvious? Oh yeah, put in a plastic bag, that's brilliant!! Or just dig a hole and bury it...why didn't Oi think of that!! Yarrrr...

Well, now we've got yer home handyman hints covered right here at the Monastery.  Our Continuous Salty Tale heroes Big Ron and Bustlin Brian are here to answer all your renovatin' problems. Big Ron a purveyor of quality meats will answer all yer quandaries about the best prime cut for the next Monsatical shindig. Bustlin Brian the village plumber will be on hand to answer all your plumbin' and home handyman queries.

The format will be as per Aunty Black robe. You can ask the question or give the reply. Just don't forget to excuse yerself if you answer as Big Ron...Yarrrrr...

[Calico Jack]

This is a question for Ron, I have been stuck at sea for 6 months and The Crew is fed up with Fish Head Stew and were wandering if Ron could recommend any other recipes to add some variety to our daily diet.  Plus the crew is fed up catching fish then cutting off the head and throwing the rest of it over the side.

[Black Bart]

Dear Brian

Why is it so difficult to get a plumber these days and where do they get all their excuses for not turnin up.

Yours Captain Plunger

ps Where can I get a new Ball Cock?

[The Black Spot]

Dear Brian

Why is it so difficult to get a plumber these days and where do they get all their excuses for not turnin up.

Yours Captain Plunger

ps Where can I get a new Ball Cock?

Ye think ye's got problems? I's had a fish head jammed up me outlet flange fer nearly a fortnight.

[DaveL]

This is a question for Ron, I have been stuck at sea for 6 months and The Crew is fed up with Fish Head Stew and were wandering if Ron could recommend any other recipes to add some variety to our daily diet.  Plus the crew is fed up catching fish then cutting off the head and throwing the rest of it over the side.

Dear Calico Jack,

I'd start by keelhauling the cook. Try using him as a supplementary flagpole - sensational!!

Next take the fish and grind the fillets into a paste. Next add seasoning and stand for 2 hours. (!!! scuse me)

The take yer finest Portmouth Sausage casing. Put the fish mince into the sausage casing (Big Ron's TM of course!!). A voila!! Big Ron's fish sausages!

You may not have a BBQ, so yer might just have to include one on yer next plunderin' list. (!!! beg your pardon)

So there you have it. You can give that nasty fishhead stew a wide birth for years to come.

[Sibling Chatty]

This 'ere be a question fer Blunderin' Brian.

We be preparin' to scrape th' barnacles off the bottom of me ship, and Oi am opposed to puttin her into dry dock. One of me mates suggested that Oi run 'er into a small cove and add Likwid Plummer ter the water to peel off the barnacles. Oi'm askeert that it'll have sum adverse affects to me boat, as she's a wood hull that's held together wif  a bit o' bailin' wire, some spackle, a chunk of dried up bubblegum collected from the bottoms of school lunchroom tables and a wee bit o' Sparklin' Platinum Nail Varnish that we found in the cook's bunk.

What say ye? Do Oi risk the Likwid Plummer, or shoul Oi haul her out, scrape 'er down and cast e'ry penny we got inter refittin' er proper??

Me IRA and 401K are at maturity and I wi' be retirin' wit'in 2 years. I hev already purchased an establishment to keep me busy when Oi retire. Do ye feel it's werth the expense to fix er up, or shall Oi just invest in more Nail Varnish and hope fer the best??

Capn. Seymore Percival Treadwater Brown

[Black Bart]

she's a wood hull that's held together wif  a bit o' bailin' wire, some spackle, a chunk of dried up bubblegum collected from the bottoms of school lunchroom tables and a wee bit o' Sparklin' Platinum Nail Varnish that we found in the cook's bunk.

YYYAAARRR...these young uns with their new fangled spik and span boats.  When I was first a pirate we were lucky to have a hull!  We had to lick the barnacles off with tongue!

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

This Sunday O'im havin the Monastical Football Team over for lunch. Oi wuz wunderin' should we go for 'Veal with Rosemary' or Chilli sausages?

Can yer also aksks yer wife Laura about a few entertaining tips for Monastical footballers?

Koind Regards,

Ere we go,ere we go, ere we go...

[Black Bart]

I have a question for Big Ron:

Where do you get your sausage meat?

[DaveL]

(!!!!Scuse Me)

Dear Bart,

Oi source me meats from many a fine beast. O'id slaughter 'em meself, but now that O'im a big lifestyle celebrity, Oi gets me wife Laura to do it. (!!!Sorry)

All those rumours that Oi use contraband animals stolen by Pirates is (!!!!Ahhh) false.

Black Spot just asked me to look after his 10,000 head herd while he's sailing abroad that's all(!!!!Pardon).

[Calico Jack]

Question for Brian the Plummer

I have a blockage in me ubend which I cannot clear.  After a night out with me crew, I had a bit of a set to with me chef and as a result I stuffed his cat down the toilet.  Problem is that the mangy thing is a bit on the large side and as been stuck down there for 3 days.

Ow do I get it out, unlike me crew me wench does not like to go over the side.  Plus I need the cat back as the rats av taken over the kitchen.

Thanks
CJ

CJ

[The Black Spot]

Arrr CJ,

I'd be inclined t' leave the cat where it is. I's heard horror stories about rats coming up yer U bend and sinkin' their teeth into whatever be handy.

Makes me eye water thinkin' about it.

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

Oi wuz wunderin' if yer had a nice big sausage Oi can make to surprise me Missus with? She said she has been missing a good thick sausage of late.

Would it be best to stick me sausage on a hot plate? Or just on the open grill?

Kind Regards,

Mr U. Nich

[Black Bart]

Dear Brian

Urgent...

Pirgella and I were havin some harmless fun involvin a plunger and a relay race when the said plunger got stuck fast in the second lap. Can you come round tout de suit with some greese and a pair of rubber gloves...quick before the photographers arrive! 

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

Oi wuz wunderin' if yer had a nice big sausage Oi can make to surprise me Missus with? She said she has been missing a good thick sausage of late.

Would it be best to stick me sausage on a hot plate? Or just on the open grill?

Kind Regards,

Mr U. Nich

Dear Mr U. Nich

The world of sausage making is indeed a fickle business. There are some fine purveyors of the fine meats out there. But there are also some pretenders, so beware!!  Judging by your concern, your wife sounds like a discerning type, who likes a good quality sausage. So steer clear of the pretenders (eg Bart Industries Sausages) and you'll keep yer Missus as 'Happy as Larry' for the rest of your meat eating years!

My tip...I'd be sticking to the Big Ron's TM range of sausage products for yer next meal.  At Big Ron's, we make sure your next sausage will be the best sausage you've ever had. The BR sausage range will taste delicious, no matter where you cook it. 

And if you think this is blatant advertising, you're right.  If other lifestyle programs can do it, so can we. Yarrr!!

Regards,

Big Ron