The Piratica Monastical Football Club

[Black Bart]

Bags I to man mark Gorgeous Gertrude!

[Calico Jack]

So it is a warm welcome to the Stade Vélodrome in Marseille for a friendly match between P.M.F.C (formerly known as Piratica who famously reached the 2006 World Cup Final) and M.C.W (Madame Chantal's Wenches who were practicing their ball juggling skills prior to the game to an appreciative audience).

Before the game the two team captains exchanged Gifts.  Dave L gave 'Gorgeous' Gertrude one beautifully carved replica of an 18th Century Pirate Ship whilst 'Gorgeous' Gertrude gave Dave L one...

00.00 So the Game kicked off in front of a Capacity Crowd most of whom were Chantal's customers who had no where else to go.

06.02 The First chance of the game went to M.C.W as Cat of 9 tails Catrine trapped the ball beautifully on her chest and then volleyed the ball just wide of the post.

11.38 A fine cross field ball from Meromorph sent Black Bart through on goal.  However Black Bart was stopped in his tracks by Mademoiselle Gigi who winked at him seductively.  Black Bart's legs turned to jelly and he fell to the ground and the chance went begging.

17.55 The Black Spot was getting frustrated as he could not bring himself to use his cutlass on one of the opposition.  So Spot turned his frustration on his own team, however his decision to chop off Teripie's legs did not go down well with the coach Sibling Chatty who was forced to make an early substitution.

18.00 SUBSTITUTION: Beagle replaces the unfortunate Teripie

24.56 Bluenose gets involved in a tangle with Francene The Flagellator in the centre circle. Both players leave the field, Bluenose to change his shirt and Francene The Flagellator to apply more make-up.

31.45 In the crowd things are turning ugly, no there is no crowd trouble, Big Brenda has turned up to take her seat in the VIP area.

38.22 GOAL M.C.W 1 – P.M.F.C 0.  Awful Defending by P.M.F.C lets in Red Light Roxanne who scores with a deft header straight from a corner.

41.02 Heavy rain falls out of the night sky and the crowd cheer loudly as two of the M.C.W players engage in a fight near the corner flag which has turned very muddy.

44.45 GOAL M.C.W 2 – P.M.F.C 0. Curvy Clare scores a 2nd goal for M.C.W with a wonder strike from 35 yards.

45.00 So it is Half-Time and a shock is on the cards as P.M.F.C have been completely outplayed by M.C.W. 

[DaveL]

Nice call there Calico Jack...Did I see Brenda putting on her boots for Piratica?

[Bluenose]

Oi'm havin a bit o trubbel kallabr... colleeberat... adjustin me new peg legs.  Oi jest doant seem ter be able ter get all the bugs out.  As a matter o fackt three beetles crawled out o me right peg leg when Oi took it off after half toime ter adjust me boot.  Oi fink some o the fish ed stew be leakin out of the reaction chamber an they be eatin it, the poor little critters.

Anyow, Oi've refuelled and Oi've made a few adjustements wot Oi 'ope be roight, so Oi reckon Oi shuld get more power in the second arf.

[Black Bart]

Calico Jack wrote:

'Black Bart's legs turned to jelly'

Was it rasberry jelly, I love rasberry jelly!

[goat starer]

lordy! I come on here to avoid football having been one of the unfortunate 72000 who paid to sit through the Macedonia game and people mention it! 

can I be in a football team please as I am a celebrated attacking midfielder.

[The Meromorph]

'ere, Goat!
Yer can substitute fer me, as Oi'm 'avin' a "crisis o' lack o' faith" after seeing Big Brenda's boots (Disco Brand Oi thinks they are!).
Oi'can't feel me gnosis, not nohow!

[Bluenose]

...Well yer not going ter find yer gnosis by feelin down there, Quasi!

[Black Bart]

There was pandemonium at Half Time as most of the Piratica team were caught tryin to sneak into 'Madame Chantal's Wenches' changing room! The entire team were shown yellow cards. The Black Spot chuckled to himself as these weren't the only cards they had aquired and he pulled out of his pocket Red Light Roxanne's business card. Calico Jack also chuckled to himself as he'd been tryin to snog Gorgeous Gertrude and he pulled out the card she'd slipped to him, it read:
'Fishheadsterine...sends bad breath to Davy Jones Locker!'

[DaveL]

45:10 And it's time for the second half.  Lovely bit of passing werke there by the PMFC. The Monastical Cheer Squad has turned up.  They are not very rowdy though, and appear to be prayin' for PMFC to score a goal.

48:45 Substitutions for PMFC.  Mystery substitutes Goat Starer and Brenda McTavish  come on.  Mero and  Sibling Quetzacotl are off. Brenda takes up a very large portion of the central defence.

49:30 Lovely ball werke by M.C.W down the right hand side as Awesome Honore puts Francine the Flagellator into a gaping hole. Lovely defensive werke by Brenda who drops the shoulder, sending Francine flying. Yellow card for Brenda.

52:33 GOAL M.C.W 2 P.M.F.C. 1 Bolstered by the improved defence, Sibling Noname and Goat Starer combine to put a nice swinging cross into Black Spot, who heads it into back of the net. The entire stand erupts into Monastical chanting.

54:00 A fight erupts in the stands when Opsanus Tau humbly asks Madame Chantal's fans for a vow of silence, following much swearing. Followin' several insults from their fans, Opsanus and members of the H.V.H.A. humbly beat the livin' beejebies out 'em. 

60:55 Gorgeous Gertrude is yellow carded for a swinging elbow into Black Bart's head. Brenda comes in from the other side of the field to start a brawl. Tensions on field are rising.  Sibling Chatty is told to return to the dugout.

61:47 The ensuing indirect penalty by Beagle swings low hitting the cross bar.

69:21 GOAL M.C.W 2 P.M.F.C. 2 Pushing forward for the equalizer, a nice deft touch from DaveL to Calico Jack who puts a swinging cross into several players in the box. The ball ricochets off Brenda's bum, landing in the far left corner.  A distance of 20m is maintained while Brenda celebrates her goal. The monks in the stands finally go off, humbly lighting flares. 

76:16  M.C.W. open up a nice play on the right again, sending Redlight Roxanne into the open goal, who scores. The ref blows offside as the entire P.M.F.C. is camped up the other end of the field, checking out Madame Chantal's cheerleaders.

80:00 More substitutions as Alpaca replaces Bluenose. Madame Chantal replaces Mademoiselle Gigi with 'Ooo-la-la' Oola.

86:54 PENALTY Alpaca receives a nice pass from Kyoodle inside the 18 yard box.  He is mercilessly hacked down by Betty 'Boom Boom' and Awesome Honore, who leave him writhing in pain.  Black Spot reaches for his cutlass.  Betty 'Boom Boom' is red carded.

88:05 GOAL M.C.W 2 P.M.F.C. 3 Beagle steps up to take the spot kick, which is hammered past Beeg Sophie low and to the right.

90:00 The ref blows full time. The victors are finally invited down to Madame Chantal's dressing sheds for an after match celebration. They have yet to come up for air. Oooo-la-la-arrrggggggghhh!

[goat starer]

talk about an inspired substitution!

[Calico Jack]

Two days after the end of the match I have just got out of the dressing room after the post match party with the opposition.  I feel that I have gone 10 rounds with Big Brenda.

So who's up next.

Can I get some sleep first..

[Bluenose]

Signal from Bluenose to Sibling Chatty, Coach

DEAR COACH STOP OI BEEN DELAYED STOP FRANCINE THE FLAGELLATOR SAYS OIVE BEEN A VERY NAUGHTY BOY AND SHE WILL BE FINISHED GIVING ME MY JUST DESSERTS BY SATURDAY STOP DONT WORRY STOP BLUENOSE

[Black Bart]

Not another head injury! I fear I'll be joinin the Chelsea goal keeper in hospital at this rate!

[Sibling Chatty]

Sumboddy wif two good arms get out th' flags and send a semaphore to Bluenose.

Bluenose, Francine be a terribul liar and is onlye trying to keep you from practices. If she is not charging you overtoime an' does not eckspek to be busy ovverwize, you has me permishun, as long as you remoine the other players that Saturday is their deadloine as well. Ferthermore, ALL mus' return in fit condishun ter play.

Black Spot might have a spare key to th' shackles Francine uses. He finks he knows what cells she borrowed 'em frum. Let us know if we need to send in sumbudy wif an axe.

Coach Chatty