The Piratica Monastical Football Club

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRR I don't wish to get all political loik but as we done such a good job o gettin rid o the world's evil despots...maybe we could offer Blair, Bush and co a quick game of quoits.  I would avoid playin the buggers in footbal as they might smell a rat!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Oi votes we 'aves a match against the Neo Conservative Rovers Football Club at the P.N.A.C. (Project for the New American Century) Stadium.

Bush, Rove, Cheney,Delay...you name it, it should be quite a match.

[Calico Jack]

I like the idea of a game against famous 20th Century Statesmen.  How about this for a team

From UK: Churchill, Thatcher
From USA: Roosevelt,Kennedy
From Russia: Lenin, Gorbachev
From France: de Gaulle
From Germany: Kohl
From Australia: Hawke
From Spain: Franco
From Argentina: Peron

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

If ye 'ave Peron, ye need Pinochet as well...

I t'ink 'e should b' t'e goalie.

Yaaarrrgh.

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

I've booked a match against a line-up of 20th Century Statesman called the Ultra-nationalist Rightwing Loony Football Club (U.R.W.L.F.C.) Some of these blaggards could have made Ivan the Terrible Select XI.

U.N.R.W.L.F.C

Juan Peron - GK (Argentina)
General Franco - RB (Spain)
Maggie Thatcher - CB (UK)
Ante Pavlic - CB (Croatia)
Idi Amin - LB (Uganda)
Robert Mugabe RM (Zimbabwe)
Slobodan Milosevic CM (Serbia)
John Howard (also known as 'Bonsai' or 'Little Bush')CM (Australia)
Donald Rumsfeld LM (US)
George W. Shrub F (US)
General Pinochet F (Chile)

Reserves: Eugene Terblance (South Africa), Benito Mussolini (Italy), Herman Goering (Germany), Ferdinand Marcos (Phillipines)

Should we give 'em a game lads? They are quite indignant lot, calling our team a 'big bunch of pussy cats'. They also reckon in our previous match we played like crappola and were lucky to win.

Whaddya say lads?

[Black Bart]

We go over to our pundits at the BBC AAARRGH studio for a pre-match discussion.

Sir Ron Manager: Marvelous...what a line up...takes me back to the old days...small boys, jumpers for goal posts...enduring image. Slobodon Milosevic in mid field...didn't he used tp play for Villa?

Lord Gary of Lineker: They've left out Tony Blair Ron do you think that's significant.

Ron: Sorry didn't quite catch that one Gary, do I think Tony Blair is a what?

Gary: Pinochet up front Ron...that could be torture for the opposition.

Ron: Well indeed Gary, I've heard alot about Pinochet, he is South American after all and apparently he has wonderful ball skills...usually attaching electrodes to them!

Gary: Pinochet is partnered up front by George W Shrub, do you think those two will cause problems for the Piratica defence?

Ron: Well I think there is no doubt that those two have got the bullets that can produce the goods.

Gary: Well thanks very much Ron...can you give us a prediction for the match?

Ron: That's a tricky one Gary...to be honest I'm just looking forward to seeing Maggie Thatcher getting a damn good kicking!

[Calico Jack]

I have had a request from Baby Doc Devalier that well respected dictator from Haiti who claims that he far more of a loony than any of the other fanatics in the U.N.R.W.L.F.C XI and could he play as well.

[Sibling Chatty]

Will he be leaving his knife and fork at home?

[Black Bart]

Forget football...it's Arcade Games we be best at.  We have a crew second to none and we should challenge the Royal Navy to a full scale battle of Frogger immediately!

[Calico Jack]

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL 2007/08 PMFC v AC MILAN

PMFC have accepted an offer from UEFA to play AC Milan in the Champions League Final on 23rd May.  The invitation came about after UEFA contemplated the terrifying prospect of thousands of Liverpool fans converging on Athens and expelled them from the competition.  Acting on a request by Athens City Council UEFA decided that hordes of violent drunken Pirates was preferable to loads of violent drunken scousers.  Liverpool accepted their removal from the final with good grace as they felt that their brand of boring direct football is unlikely to trouble AC Milan in the final.  The provisional teams for the match are as follows, though with two weeks to go to the final, are still subject to change.

PMFC
Tansy - GK
Dave L – RB  (Captain)
Bluenose - CB
Kiyoodle the Gambrinous – CB
Agujjim – LB
Griffin NoName The Watson of Sherlock - RM
Quasimodo - CM
Calico Jack – CM
Sibling Chatty – LM
Black Bart – F
The Black Spot – F

AC Milan
Dida - GK
Kaladze  - RB
Nesta - CB
Maldini – CB (Captain)
Jankulovski – LB
Seedorf - RM
Gattuso – CM
Ambrosini – CM
Pirlo – LM
Kaka – F
Inzaghi – F

AC Milan's Manager will be that most celebrated of coaches Carlo Ancelotti, however PMFC sprang a surprise by announcing that their new head coach will be Cap'n Cronan.  This will certainly make the pre-match training sessions interesting as most of the PMFC team have never met Cap'n Cronan and those that have are terrified of him.  PMFC are arranging a press conference for later in the week and it is rumoured that Cap'n Cronan will be in attendance.

[DaveL]

Yarrrr...

Oi'd quite like a red and black striped tablecloth.

That Silvio Berlusconi (AC Milan Crony and Italian PM of note)would've made a great player. Didn't he make the U.R.W.L.F.C Second XI?

Bring em on!

[Black Bart]

YYYYAAARRRR Gattuso's a big girl's blouse, I'll distract him by showin him pictures of Etruscan Pottery!

[Bluenose]

Yaaarrrr!  Oi fancy a bit o' that there spaghetti stuff, Oi ehear that it be jest the thing ter forteefy yerself wiv just prior to a bit o' hexersize.  Lookin forward to th' game!

Lucky Oi jest got me thermo nuclear peg legs back from 'aving the reactors refurbished.  As a matter o' fackt, after a nasty incident wiv me Aunt Ginnie's cat the uvver day Oi 'ave started to mideefy them agin buy fittin sum retractin claws fer gettin the hextra trackshun in the slippery condishuns.  Oi reckon about 12 inches o' claw extenshun shuld do the trick!

Oi'll be right over fer pracktiss in a kupple o' hours, see ye scurvey lot then...

[Calico Jack]

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL 2007/08 PMFC v AC MILAN

PRE MATCH PRESS CONFERENCE

Portsmouth County Hall is the venue for the eagerly awaited Press Conference convened by the Management of PMFC where it is expected that the new team manager Cap'n Cronan  will be in attendance.  The auditorium is full up with eager journalists, PMFC supporters and drunken locals who fancied getting out of the rain.

On the stage an elderly gentlemen walked on the stage flanked by large men in suits and with some difficultly sat down in one of the four empty seats on the stage.  "Gentlemen, Pirates and Drunks" he announced in a loud voice "I am Ken Liversausage Mayor of Portsmouth" at which point a crescendo of boos filled the auditorium "I am chairing the Press Conference today and would like to welcome on stage the following;

Slim Tim no hand:  Chairman of 'Get Hooked Ltd' Main Sponsor and Supplier to PMFC
Dave L:  Cap'n of PMFC
Cap'n Cronan:  newly installed Coach of PMFC

However, only two figures emerged on to the stage to take their seats and it was clear from the groans from the audience that it was Cap'n Cronan that was missing.

"Excuse me" said a clearly drunk Dave L "I's like to pologise for Cap'n Cronan not being ere but e be in gaol yer see on account of murdering Bony Tony landlord of the Admiral Benbow for refusing to stock Belgium Beer.  However, it is a minor misdemeanour an we expect im to be out termorrow to take a training session afore we sail for Athens"

"OK lets make this quick" said the Mayor "as Dave L is pissed needed to conduct a training run with his team"

"Yes" came a voice from the back "I am Strong John from The Daily Pirate, "How do you expect to cope with Kaka who is arguably the best footballer in the world"

"Well" said Dave L belching loudly "The Black Spot will be asked to perform a man marking job on im, an after marking im with is hook, he'll mark im with his cutlass, lets see if e is the best footballer in the world after that.

"OK who's next" said the Mayor

"Yeh" said a scruffy woman in the front "I am Lazy Daisy from Portsmouth against Pirates I want to ask Slim Tim about the ethics of being associated with a group of cut throat varmints who plunder, pillage and murder good honest sea faring folk."

"Well Love" said Slim Tim "it be simple really, we sell hooks, the more  people who have their hands cut off, the better the business is for us. In fact we are expanding into the advanced prosthetics field and plan to introduce our new range of electronic peg legs soon, which I feel sure will interest one of the PMFC players Cap'n Bluenose"

"Right last question" said the Mayor

"Hello" said a giant figure standing at the back "I be Tall Paul from Rum Weekly "Will ye be partaking in any Rum prior to the match and take advantage of the otherwise hidden benefits that you gain by drinking copious amounts of Rum before serious Sporting competition"

Dave L who by this time was sound asleep was given a shove by the one of the bouncers and awoke "Yer talking ter me are ye" he said "yarr we start preparing fer the match ternite, yer can come along if yer buy me a case of Rum hic"

"OK folks that's it" said the Mayor, "I have to go now to set up me illegal betting scam conduct important civic duties for the citizens of Portsmouth.  Can someone please carry out Dave L and clear up the pile of vomit on the floor"

[Calico Jack]

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL 2007/08 PMFC v AC MILAN

It was on a hot and sunny afternoon in Athens as supporters of both teams congregated in the bars and restaurants and peacefully enjoyed the build up to the big game.  Peaceful! what's going on, well it appeared that UEFA neglected to inform Liverpool fans that their team have been expelled from the competition, so being the useless incompetent buffoons they are they decided to get someone else to do their dirty work for them.

Later in the day a flotilla of ships landed in the port and a collection of extremely rough looking characters embarked.  Right lads said Dave L, the Liverpool fans we can deal with now and the Milan fans we'll save fer later.  Now we need to guard our ships with these varmints around, or they'll all be on bricks come the end of t'day.

Bluenose was first to come across the Liverpool fans and was determined to demonstrate his new carbon fibred peg legs on the unfortunate Liverpool fans. "Calm Down" Calm Down" shouted lots of men with 1970's perms but to no avail, one quick kick from those lightning fast legs and several thousand Liverpool fans flew back to the UK faster than a group of Polish plumbers.

So with the Liverpool fans removed from Athens, the final could commence and the teams that took the field lined up as follows:

PMFC

Tansy - GK
Dave L – RB  (Captain)
Bluenose - CB
Kiyoodle the Gambrinous – CB
Agujjim – LB
Griffin NoName The Watson of Sherlock - RM
Quasimodo - CM
Calico Jack – CM
Sibling Chatty – LM
Black Bart – F
The Black Spot – F

AC Milan
Dida - GK
Kaladze  - RB
Nesta - CB
Maldini – CB (Captain)
Jankulovski – LB
Seedorf - RM
Gattuso – CM
Ambrosini – CM
Pirlo – LM
Kaka – F
Inzaghi – F

Before the match the teams exchanged mementoes, Maldini presented Dave L with an elaborate diamond encrusted figurine of an 18th Century Italian Pirate whilst Dave L presented Maldini with a dirty 18th Century Cutlass delivered directly into his head.

00:00 Black Bart kicked off avoiding a prostrate Maldini in the Centre Circle and played a wonderful through ball for Kaka who scored.....for Milan.  What a start Milan 1 PMFC 0 within seconds of the kick off.

05:39 Black Bart was in a strange mood, after his monumental error had given Milan the lead he ran towards the centre circle and then started attacking the soil with a large spade.  Dave L broke off from trying to rearrange Gatuso's face and wandered over to Bart.  "What ye doing Bart" said Dave L with a sigh  "It be Treasure" said Bart excitedly "X marks the spot".  Dave L looked and saw that the evening sunshine had cast a huge shadow of the floodlight pylons on to the pitch and wandered off shaking his head.

11:41: Without Bart who was now 20 feet below the pitch, PMFC were struggling to contain a free flowing Milan side who doubled their lead when Dave L's attempted clearance got caught up in his dress and the ball landed at Inzaghi's feet who tapped home. Milan 2 PMFC 0

20:57 The PMFC support was now very angry and they turned on their team and hurled loads of Rum bottles on to the pitch.  The Black Spot removed one of them from his back and in a frenzied rage tore into the crowd.  Dave L managed to persuade him to return to the pitch but not before Spot released several shells into his own supporters.  The Milan supporters then responded with "Your not singing anymore" before The Black Spot aimed a couple of shells in their direction as well.

29:22 With pasta shells falling out of the sky from the rubble caused by The Black Spot's cannon fire there was more bad news for PMFC. It would appear that Bluenose's peg legs have a design fault as after a crunching tackle from Pirlo the Peg Legs snapped in half and Bluenose was left hobbling around on his stumps, his match therefore effectively finished.

35:48 It was Calico Jack's turn to make an almighty cock up as his attempted clearance from a corner stuck on his hook and then unseen by the referee he was pushed into the net by Seedorf. Milan 3 PMFC 0

43:45 As half time approached there was suddenly a shout of joy as Black Bart standing in a hole the size of Wales, shouted "I have found it, it be Treasure lads".  His teammates found Bart at the bottom of a hole holding a large object in his hand.  Despite their predicament in the match they all burst out laughing when they discovered Bart holding a large lump of solidified Parrot Pooh .

45:00 So at Half time PMFC are 3-0 down to AC Milan, surely the match is over, after all have you ever heard of a team turning around a 3 goal deficit. Could the mysterious Cap'n Cronan inspire his team to a 2nd half comeback.