Toadfish Monastery

DAVE L IS GENTLE CLAIMS WENCH

In a savage attack on the notorious Pirate Dave L, Pir-gella has revealed the details of their relationship to our correspondent.

Pir-gella sat on a chair and dreamily claimed that Dave L was the love of her life.  He was gentle, attentive, bought her flowers, listened to her woes and always held her hand and looked lovingly into her eyes.  He always held the door open for her and refused to consummate their relationship until they were married.

The Aaarrrrggghhhus has attempted to contact Dave L to confirm these outrageous allegations but were advised that Dave L wanted to spend some time with his crew to try to rebuild his shattered reputation.

CRONAN'S WENCH

Amongst all the truths, untruths, myths and absolute terror that surrounds the legend that is Cap'n Cronan what of his wench.  Over the years many a story has been told of his horrific exploits but there is no mention of a wench.

This be strange in itself as all Pirate Cap'n's have a wench, some of them are creatures of beauty such as the lovely Pir-gella who captivated Dave L and then tried to steal his treasure.  Whilst others are true monsters of the deep such as Brenda McTavish who was last seen as a stunt double in the free Willy Movies.

It is assumed that Cap'n Cronan prefers cabin boys, well all Pirate Cap'n's do but Cronan has never been known to have a wench.  Or has he, this strange tale concerns the only wench to have spent time on Cronan's ship and lives to tell the tale.

Lives! well only just, she is a scrawny creature with wrinkles so deep that Keith Richard looks like a baby.  She has wild grey hair, one eye, a clubfoot and a laugh that would break a mirror from a mile away.  Oh and how she smells, birds have fallen out of the sky when the wind is blowing in the wrong direction. Over a case of Rum in The Admiral Benbow she told me her sad tale.

"I was a beauty once" she cackled sending a stench up into the air that peeled the paint off the walls "I lived in the Islands of Hawaii and was a slender beautiful creature with jet black hair.  I swam like a fish and used to swim in and out of the shallows catching fish and taking them back to my Father to cook for supper.  My Father was a big strong handsome man who was head of our tribe and he had plans for me to marry a rich handsome trader from one of the many ships that sailed through the Islands, unfortunately the man I met was no handsome trader....."

At this point a rat running across the floor stopped dead in its tracks, took one look at my companion and vomited on the floor. The Wench smiled revealing her rotting yellow teeth and I nearly died, the smell from that mouth sent me into a coma.  Several hours later when I recovered she continued her story.

"....No he was a strange man, on one of my hunting trips I surfaced in a lagoon and there I saw the strangest ship I had ever seen.  On a hot sunny day ice and mist surrounded it and bats flew in the air over it.  I tried to swim away but the air was so cold that I froze in terror, when I woke up I saw a sight that was so terrible I will never forget it and it turned me into the creature you see before you..."

The Wench stopped to take a slug out of her Rum at the same time splitting out some foul smelling flem from her mouth which burnt a hole in the floorboards.  Despite the stench I was intrigued, "You mean to say you are a young woman" I said "What did Cronan do to change you from a fair maiden into an old bag"

She smiled again but this time I averted my gaze in time and the full force of her foulness was concentrated on a young swab at the bar who took one look at her and plunged a cutlass in his side and collapsed in a bloody heap on the floor.

"....I woke up in his quarters and.." she quivered "I saw him, he's not human, he was small and wiry with grey hair, going slightly bald. He was very smart wearing a suit and tie despite the heat of the tropics. His eyes they were glazed and he spoke very slowly in a slurred voice.  It was the smell" she continued, "It was stale beer and TCP and he carried The Black Fish Head....". 

I was shocked no-one who has ever seen The Black Fish Head has ever lived to tell the tale.

"....At that point I fainted and when I woke up I was alone on a beach and I had turned into the creature you see today, Cronan left me a note which I kept,, let me read it to you"

"When I saw you in the lagoon, I thought here is a beauty that I can make my wench but like all the others before you, you suddenly turned from Cameron Diaz into Nora Batty, even my bats froze at the sight of you and they are blind.  From being captivated I was disgusted, be away with you now and never darken my doors again"

At that point I suddenly understood why Cap'n Cronan never has a wench, many a beauty has crossed his path only to turn into the hideous creature that was sitting next to me.  "So what do you do now" I asked and wish I hadn't "Well" she cackled "It has been many a year since I had a.....".  However I didn't wait to hear her words I leapt through the window and fled towards the harbour and left town that night.  I never saw that wench again and for that I am truly grateful.

yarr I hear the rats prefer to live in yer beard as it be dirtier than the bilge.

For the Pirate who never wants to get lost at Sea I can offer the latest in Satelite Navigational Technology

BART BART

Ye can attach a computer console on yer bridge an wherever you at sea yer can hear on the screen the soothing tones of Black Bart guiding yer safely to yer destination. 

SELLERS WARNING 1: It may help not to be to specific when yer tap in yer coordinates, if yer are at sea, tap in land an if on land tap in sea.  Tests on the equipment indicated that finding the 2nd option is more successful.

SELLERS WARNING 2: Once yer exit the Solent it as been discovered the directions offered by the system are faulty so yer may perhaps want ter use more reliable measures like a compass, crows nest or throw yer parrot 200 feet in the air and see if it can see anything.

This product is being offered on a free 30 day trial if yer don't like it throw it over the side, every other blaggard has.

I is senDing yE one eaR takEn From yeR nAVAL captAin give yE 200 crOninS or i wIll cuT Off is b........

....tart, bakewell is me preferred choice but I'm partial to a jam tart as well.  Could I have some cream on me tart please that would be nice.  What on earth are you doing I want the cream on me tart not on me.....

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL 2007/08 PMFC vs AC MILAN (2nd HALF)

The Half Time entertainment was provided by pilots from the Greek Air Force who did a fly over across the stadium.  The Black Spot managed to bring two of them down with his cannon but the rest of them got way.

IT was interesting to note that none of the PMFC team went into the dressing room as they were all terrified of Cap'n Cronan who though was the team manager no-one had actually seen at the game. It was up to Dave L as team captain to provide a tactical summation of the first half performance "We were all shite" he said "Bluenose has no energy left, his legs have gone, Black Bart as lost is mind an Calico Jack was total rubbish an I as mud on me dress an it won't come off"

45:01 The handful of spectators that were left in a stadium that had more holes than the Parthenon welcomed the teams back on the pitch with deafening silence.  I wouldn't say the Italians were over confident but they spent most of the half time break parading the European Cup and quaffing Champagne.

53:25 A much more positive start by PMFC as The Black Spot cut through the Milan defence leaving a pile of bodies on the penalty spot.  Black Bart would have scored but he fell down the hole he had dug in the 1st half and the danger was cleared.

61:34 A sweeping move by PMFC ended with Agujjim hitting the bar.... after that he hit a couple of nightclubs before getting a kebab on the way home.

70:06 At last the pressure paid off as the Milan substitutes who had come on to replace their fallen colleagues failed to recognise Dave L in his dress (despite his huge Rum sodden beard) and attempted to chat him up, in the confusion the ball fell for Sibling Chatty who tapped home Milan 3 PMFC 1

76:43 Milan then resorted to every man behind the ball in an attempt to protect their lead.  However, Dave L had spotted a weakness in the opposition and attacked the flanks of the opponent in a pinching movement.  This suburb tactic left the Milan team stranded in the middle of the pitch and left all 10 outfield players from PMFC unmarked, one of  which The Black Spot tapped into an ungarded net. Milan 3 PMFC 2

82:08 An announcement was then made over the tannoy "Urgent message for Ken Liversauasage Mayor of Portsmouth and very important man indeed who is watching the match from the VIP area.  In your absence you have been drummed out of office and there is a warrant out for your arrest if you set foot in Portsmouth again you despicable cheating lying scumbag"

87:44 Milan had literally parked their bus in front of the goal in an attempt to protect their lead but they were no match for the resourceful Black Bart who smashed the windows and kicked the ball through the gap and into the net. What a comeback Milan 3 PMFC 3. A lone Liverpool fan was then seen running on to the pitch and within 2 minutes the bus was on bricks and graffiti daubed on to the sides.

90:00 Then suddenly disaster strikes for PMFC as their team manager Cap'n Cronan makes an appearance on the sidelines whistling what appeared at first to be a sea shanty but in fact turns out be the big Bros hit from 1988 When will I be famous.  The terrified PMFC players take one look at the ghostly, zombie like creature humming that dreadful song and to a man flee in terror.  Milan cannot believe their luck and Kaka taps the ball into an empty net to win the European Champions League for AC Milan Milan 4 PMFC 3

AC Milan collect the trophy in an empty stadium, all of the Milan supporters were removed by The Black Spot's cannon shells in the 1st half whilst the PMFC supporters joined their team and were last seen running towards the harbour in an attempt to get away from Cap'n (I love boy bands) Cronan.

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL 2007/08 PMFC v AC MILAN

It was on a hot and sunny afternoon in Athens as supporters of both teams congregated in the bars and restaurants and peacefully enjoyed the build up to the big game.  Peaceful! what's going on, well it appeared that UEFA neglected to inform Liverpool fans that their team have been expelled from the competition, so being the useless incompetent buffoons they are they decided to get someone else to do their dirty work for them.

Later in the day a flotilla of ships landed in the port and a collection of extremely rough looking characters embarked.  Right lads said Dave L, the Liverpool fans we can deal with now and the Milan fans we'll save fer later.  Now we need to guard our ships with these varmints around, or they'll all be on bricks come the end of t'day.

Bluenose was first to come across the Liverpool fans and was determined to demonstrate his new carbon fibred peg legs on the unfortunate Liverpool fans. "Calm Down" Calm Down" shouted lots of men with 1970's perms but to no avail, one quick kick from those lightning fast legs and several thousand Liverpool fans flew back to the UK faster than a group of Polish plumbers.

So with the Liverpool fans removed from Athens, the final could commence and the teams that took the field lined up as follows:

PMFC

Tansy - GK
Dave L – RB  (Captain)
Bluenose - CB
Kiyoodle the Gambrinous – CB
Agujjim – LB
Griffin NoName The Watson of Sherlock - RM
Quasimodo - CM
Calico Jack – CM
Sibling Chatty – LM
Black Bart – F
The Black Spot – F

AC Milan
Dida - GK
Kaladze  - RB
Nesta - CB
Maldini – CB (Captain)
Jankulovski – LB
Seedorf - RM
Gattuso – CM
Ambrosini – CM
Pirlo – LM
Kaka – F
Inzaghi – F

Before the match the teams exchanged mementoes, Maldini presented Dave L with an elaborate diamond encrusted figurine of an 18th Century Italian Pirate whilst Dave L presented Maldini with a dirty 18th Century Cutlass delivered directly into his head.

00:00 Black Bart kicked off avoiding a prostrate Maldini in the Centre Circle and played a wonderful through ball for Kaka who scored.....for Milan.  What a start Milan 1 PMFC 0 within seconds of the kick off.

05:39 Black Bart was in a strange mood, after his monumental error had given Milan the lead he ran towards the centre circle and then started attacking the soil with a large spade.  Dave L broke off from trying to rearrange Gatuso's face and wandered over to Bart.  "What ye doing Bart" said Dave L with a sigh  "It be Treasure" said Bart excitedly "X marks the spot".  Dave L looked and saw that the evening sunshine had cast a huge shadow of the floodlight pylons on to the pitch and wandered off shaking his head.

11:41: Without Bart who was now 20 feet below the pitch, PMFC were struggling to contain a free flowing Milan side who doubled their lead when Dave L's attempted clearance got caught up in his dress and the ball landed at Inzaghi's feet who tapped home. Milan 2 PMFC 0

20:57 The PMFC support was now very angry and they turned on their team and hurled loads of Rum bottles on to the pitch.  The Black Spot removed one of them from his back and in a frenzied rage tore into the crowd.  Dave L managed to persuade him to return to the pitch but not before Spot released several shells into his own supporters.  The Milan supporters then responded with "Your not singing anymore" before The Black Spot aimed a couple of shells in their direction as well.

29:22 With pasta shells falling out of the sky from the rubble caused by The Black Spot's cannon fire there was more bad news for PMFC. It would appear that Bluenose's peg legs have a design fault as after a crunching tackle from Pirlo the Peg Legs snapped in half and Bluenose was left hobbling around on his stumps, his match therefore effectively finished.

35:48 It was Calico Jack's turn to make an almighty cock up as his attempted clearance from a corner stuck on his hook and then unseen by the referee he was pushed into the net by Seedorf. Milan 3 PMFC 0

43:45 As half time approached there was suddenly a shout of joy as Black Bart standing in a hole the size of Wales, shouted "I have found it, it be Treasure lads".  His teammates found Bart at the bottom of a hole holding a large object in his hand.  Despite their predicament in the match they all burst out laughing when they discovered Bart holding a large lump of solidified Parrot Pooh .

45:00 So at Half time PMFC are 3-0 down to AC Milan, surely the match is over, after all have you ever heard of a team turning around a 3 goal deficit. Could the mysterious Cap'n Cronan inspire his team to a 2nd half comeback.

MY EARLY PIRATING DAYS

It was my Ma who I have to thank for where I am now as it was she that got me on to a Pirate Ship when I was a small child. After that my lust for random violence and being filthy rich ensured that I would eventually Captain my own ship.

Ma worked in a gentlemen's club in Portsmouth where she provided personal services to all of the dregs of society that passed through town.  My Father? who knows, probably one of her customers, must have been a good-looking blaggard though eh!   However, Ma tired of this life, getting beaten up every day was not her idea of job satisfaction so she ran away to sea and became a galley maid on a Pirate Ship, taking me with her. 

Initially life for her on the Pirate Ship was tough, as she was expected to wait on the swabs all of whom beat her if The Fish Head Stew was to lumpy.  They also tried it on with her of course but after a dozen of them ended up overboard with a cutlass in their side, they realised that she was not a wench to mess with and eventually they accepted her as one of their own.  However, Cap'n Norton was different he never looked at Ma but took a shine to me and I spent many hours in his quarters. I did notice though, that after leaving his cabin I couldn't sit down for a week, not sure why.

However, it was those days in his cabin and Ma's opportunism that put us on the road to fame and fortune.  The Cap'n was never careful where he left his personal documents and was always leaving stuff lying about.  One of these documents was a treasure map and though I couldn't read then, Ma could so I smuggled it out to her.  This map highlighted the Cap'n's secret Treasure Hoard and was where he used to store all the booty he acquired from many years of pillaging and plundering.

After a while we landed on an Island and the Cap'n announced that we were going to stay here for a few days to take on supplies.  Ma came up to me very excited, this is The Island she said we must go and get ourselves some treasure.  Ma smuggled the map down her chest and we crept off the ship in the dead of night.

It was a tortuous journey as the X marked the spot in the centre of the Island and we had to hack our way through dense jungle and then eventually climb up a large mountain.  As we approached our destination Ma whispered in my ear, "We'll take the Treasure out of the hiding place and move it to another spot, I'll take a little of it fer now so we can git ourselves a boat and come back fer the rest".

We got up to the top of the mountain and there buried under a large rock was a huge case, we opened it and were amazed at the amount of booty inside, we would be rich till our dying days.

Ma took out a few stones and stuffed some of them down her chest, however I was elated and I picked up a handful of treasure and shouted at the top of my voice.

"I'm top of the World Ma, I'm top of the World.

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL 2007/08 PMFC v AC MILAN

PRE MATCH PRESS CONFERENCE

Portsmouth County Hall is the venue for the eagerly awaited Press Conference convened by the Management of PMFC where it is expected that the new team manager Cap'n Cronan  will be in attendance.  The auditorium is full up with eager journalists, PMFC supporters and drunken locals who fancied getting out of the rain.

On the stage an elderly gentlemen walked on the stage flanked by large men in suits and with some difficultly sat down in one of the four empty seats on the stage.  "Gentlemen, Pirates and Drunks" he announced in a loud voice "I am Ken Liversausage Mayor of Portsmouth" at which point a crescendo of boos filled the auditorium "I am chairing the Press Conference today and would like to welcome on stage the following;

Slim Tim no hand:  Chairman of 'Get Hooked Ltd' Main Sponsor and Supplier to PMFC
Dave L:  Cap'n of PMFC
Cap'n Cronan:  newly installed Coach of PMFC

However, only two figures emerged on to the stage to take their seats and it was clear from the groans from the audience that it was Cap'n Cronan that was missing.

"Excuse me" said a clearly drunk Dave L "I's like to pologise for Cap'n Cronan not being ere but e be in gaol yer see on account of murdering Bony Tony landlord of the Admiral Benbow for refusing to stock Belgium Beer.  However, it is a minor misdemeanour an we expect im to be out termorrow to take a training session afore we sail for Athens"

"OK lets make this quick" said the Mayor "as Dave L is pissed needed to conduct a training run with his team"

"Yes" came a voice from the back "I am Strong John from The Daily Pirate, "How do you expect to cope with Kaka who is arguably the best footballer in the world"

"Well" said Dave L belching loudly "The Black Spot will be asked to perform a man marking job on im, an after marking im with is hook, he'll mark im with his cutlass, lets see if e is the best footballer in the world after that.

"OK who's next" said the Mayor

"Yeh" said a scruffy woman in the front "I am Lazy Daisy from Portsmouth against Pirates I want to ask Slim Tim about the ethics of being associated with a group of cut throat varmints who plunder, pillage and murder good honest sea faring folk."

"Well Love" said Slim Tim "it be simple really, we sell hooks, the more  people who have their hands cut off, the better the business is for us. In fact we are expanding into the advanced prosthetics field and plan to introduce our new range of electronic peg legs soon, which I feel sure will interest one of the PMFC players Cap'n Bluenose"

"Right last question" said the Mayor

"Hello" said a giant figure standing at the back "I be Tall Paul from Rum Weekly "Will ye be partaking in any Rum prior to the match and take advantage of the otherwise hidden benefits that you gain by drinking copious amounts of Rum before serious Sporting competition"

Dave L who by this time was sound asleep was given a shove by the one of the bouncers and awoke "Yer talking ter me are ye" he said "yarr we start preparing fer the match ternite, yer can come along if yer buy me a case of Rum hic"

"OK folks that's it" said the Mayor, "I have to go now to set up me illegal betting scam conduct important civic duties for the citizens of Portsmouth.  Can someone please carry out Dave L and clear up the pile of vomit on the floor"

Ye were supposed to put the eye patch on yer bad eye. How many ales did yer have last night.

A DRINK WITH A STRANGER

Twere a cold night in Portsmouth but inside the Admiral Benbow there was a fine log fire, several tankards of ale and many a busty wench to keep me warm.

As I left the tavern to return to me ship I was in fine fettle but my mood changed as I continued walking towards the harbour.  Portsmouth usually on a Saturday was alive with noise with the fighting in the taverns spilling out into the streets (not a lot has changed really).  However, on this cold icy night the streets were deserted, the only noise being the scraping of a peg leg on the rutted road.

An icy fog descended and as I walked down to the harbour the sound of the peg leg was getting closer and closer. Suddenly a hand descended on my shoulder and I heard that deep scary voice for the first time

"You be Calico Jack" he said "I be Cap'n Cronan no doubt you have heard of me"
"Aye that I have" I trembled "What do you want with me"
"I want to have an ale with yer, no one likes me yer see and I be a little fed up with the situation and just want a chat with someone" he said.
"Well I need to get back my ship, me crew will be worried" I said
"Noooooo I insist" he said "besides yer crew hate yer guts so they won't miss yer"

So I went into the nearest inn with Cap'n Cronan and he really was the strangest creature you could wish ter see.  He was ghostly white and look liked an apparition, he wore a tweed jacket and a tie with neatly pressed trousers and smart shoes and carried an umbrella, in fact e didn't dress like a pirate at all.  He kept saying strange things that meant nothing to me Old Nick, Ramrod and he seemed to have a fascination with Belgium.  I asked for a bottle of Rum whilst Cap'n Cronan requested a bottle of beer which he poured into a glass!.

During the evening he got out an old parched slip of paper an I thought arrgh at last the secret of Cap'n Cronan's treasure but no, suddenly he started asking me questions "What was the on the B side to Westlife's classic hit Uptown Girl" he said. I looked puzzled as the questions came thick and fast as I never once had any idea what he was talking about.  I remember some of the words he were using seeing his eyes light up as he was talking Boyzone, Take That, S Club 7, Steps.  Then suddenly e was gone in a flash, I must catch me ship e said or I will not get home ternite. He said "We'll meet up again soon".

As I made my way back to me ship that night, I considered that all the rumours about Cap'n Cronan were true and e was indeed a strange figure and I was hoping our paths would not cross again. 

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL 2007/08 PMFC v AC MILAN

PMFC have accepted an offer from UEFA to play AC Milan in the Champions League Final on 23rd May.  The invitation came about after UEFA contemplated the terrifying prospect of thousands of Liverpool fans converging on Athens and expelled them from the competition.  Acting on a request by Athens City Council UEFA decided that hordes of violent drunken Pirates was preferable to loads of violent drunken scousers.  Liverpool accepted their removal from the final with good grace as they felt that their brand of boring direct football is unlikely to trouble AC Milan in the final.  The provisional teams for the match are as follows, though with two weeks to go to the final, are still subject to change.

PMFC
Tansy - GK
Dave L – RB  (Captain)
Bluenose - CB
Kiyoodle the Gambrinous – CB
Agujjim – LB
Griffin NoName The Watson of Sherlock - RM
Quasimodo - CM
Calico Jack – CM
Sibling Chatty – LM
Black Bart – F
The Black Spot – F

AC Milan
Dida - GK
Kaladze  - RB
Nesta - CB
Maldini – CB (Captain)
Jankulovski – LB
Seedorf - RM
Gattuso – CM
Ambrosini – CM
Pirlo – LM
Kaka – F
Inzaghi – F

AC Milan's Manager will be that most celebrated of coaches Carlo Ancelotti, however PMFC sprang a surprise by announcing that their new head coach will be Cap'n Cronan.  This will certainly make the pre-match training sessions interesting as most of the PMFC team have never met Cap'n Cronan and those that have are terrified of him.  PMFC are arranging a press conference for later in the week and it is rumoured that Cap'n Cronan will be in attendance.

yarr I av been paired with The Dark Avenger, though I can't find the blaggard, in fact I don't even know what she looks like.

Also no varmint will be force feeding me anything or they will discover that me cutlass be very sharp.

CJ

Host: I know you will all be very excited with this week's guest interview.  In fact there are 4 of them it is the sensational new local rock group Guns n Fish Heads.

The sound of belching and drunken hiccups indicated that the group had arrived in the studio.

Host: Welcome gentlemen,now I am sure the listeners will be interested in how you arrived at your name.

Anchor (Dave L): arrgggh I feel sick, whassa matter with yer.

Host: Your name, how did you choose yer name.

Rigging (Black Spot) urrgghhh, stupid blaggard, we use guns and eat Fish Heads, where's the complimentary Rum we wers promised.

Host: We will provide refreshments later, The Pirate Costumes, I notice you are still wearing all the gear, where did the idea to dress like Pirates come from.

Galley (Black Bart): blistering barnacles yer stupid blaggard we be Pirates that is what we do, what is wrong with yous with these stupid questions.

Host: But surely Piracy is outlawed now

Plank (Calico Jack): Outlawed what yers talking about, I be playing this string thing again, what do they call it.

Host: No, No, please don't play that you are crap going to get some refreshments now.

Anchor: Is it Rum

Host: Er no.

Rigging: Brandy

Host: Nothing like that.

Galley: Whiskey then.

Host: No no.

Plank: A nice tankard of Ale then.

Host: No, we are not allowed to serve alcohol live on air.

Anchor: None at all.

Host: No I am sorry gentlemen

Anchor: Right lads, shoot this blaggard and lets get off to the tavern.

There then followed a loud bang followed by the sound of scraping chairs as the four pirates left the studio leaving the Talk Port presenter in a bloody heap on the floor.