YArrrr...
Welcome back pupils, the new term has begun. O'im your Principal, Capn Bill 'Dirk-in-the-ribs'Cullinane.
O'ill be finalising this years kerriculum curriculum.
If there be any special elective topics you'd like to learn sermestere term you may speak now.
Fundamentals in YArrring will start in 5 minutes.
Welcome back pupils!
From: Cap'n Bluenose
To: Capn Bill 'Dirk-in-the-ribs'Cullinane
Re: Distillery Master
Deer Cap'n Cullinane,
Oi wish ter apply fer the position o Distillery Master at Portsmouth Pirate Public School wot woz advertized inner Portsmouth Aaaarrggghhhus yesterdee.
Oi be a pirate o' long hexperients wiv makin the fine spirits an Oi reckon Oi can impart this essenshul skill to yer pupils in the highest tradishuns o' the Pirate Board o' Educashumen.
Oi 'ave included a sample demi-john o' me latest fine olde reserve (aged two weeks) fer yer considerahun and ter show me bone-a-fidos.
Your obedient and snivelling servent,
Cap'n Bluenose
Dear Puns Prinss 'Eadmaster,
I's be a great believer in heducation. Then I also be's a great believer in UFO's, the Loch Ness monster an Mermaids.
I be sendin' me cabin boy over to yers fer some learnin'. I 'ope yer can make 'im clever, but don't make 'im all poncy. I need 'im to be clever but a bit crafty.
Wi' yer own criminal record, ye seem the perfect man fer the job. Me CronanCard payment be in the post.
Yours
Cap'n Concerned
Dear Sibling Bluenose,
You have hereby been apointered employed as the new school distillery master. Our equipment is slightly antiquated, however given your obvious talents our pupils will be delighted to partake in your fine activites.
You will find all out equipment in the dungeonunderground storage area.
As you are aware, our pirate children are underage, so getting them pissed plastered hammered to sample your wares is out of the question. You can forward your grog moonshine pupils assignments to C/- Headmaster Cullinane.
Looking forward to working with you.
Kind Regards,
Ole 'Dirk in the Ribs'
Dear Headmaster
Can I be having a job as yer Home Economics teacher.
I be teaching the pupils many cullinary shills including.
How ter git yer bangers long and juicy.
How ter prepare healthy food by putting a little less salt on yer bangers
Vegetarian Options, kill yer pig b'fore yer eat it
Foreign Food, curry sauce on yer bangers.
I av ad me butchers in Portsmouth fer over 20 years and I av not ad any cases of food poisoning now fer nearly a week.
Look forward to joining yer school.
Big Ron (Still Banging arter all these years)
Dear Big Ron,
We'd love to see your chopper around our hallways. Usin' yer meat is a skill that our youngsters may need 'specially when yer marooned on a desert island. Knockin' off native fauna is often be yer only protein source. Nuthin like a bit of Kentucky Fried Macaw!! YArr!
Oi may need to check yer credentials wif vegetables. After a sneekin peak at the 'Men of Portsmouth Calendar' Oi can can see that creatvity wif inate objects is right up your alley.
Please report to the dungeon , hell hole, kitchen, where you will be briefed.
Welcome aboard Big Ron!!
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
YYYAAARRRRRGH...Dear Head Master
As ye appointed any caterers to this fine school o yours yet? Students need proper nurishment if they be goin to excel in thier studies. Don't make the mistake of so many schools by allowing fast food into yer tuck shops and eateries.
What ye need is proper home cooked meals as recommended by Captain James Oliver. Ye'll have seen him advertising 'Ye Olde Fishe Head Stewe' no doubt and in other adverts for Bart Industries.
We at Bart Industries can offer yer school the hearty stew the kids need to grow up strong and healthy. For a year's supply please complete the enclosed forms and forward payment to:
Bart Industries
6, Gibbet Lane,
Portsmouth
(Just behind the Scumsoft helpdesk offices).
Dear Top Master
Oi be oferin me services as skool counsilurr. Wen em pesky kids be too disgusting bad an especiul if em be avin problems at ome wiv ther Cap'ns or ooever, Oi be sortin em out fer ye.
Oi got me refrence redy - c/o Marge Proops-Deck.
Oi opes yer in good spirits.
Cap'n Treadmill-Kane
Quote from: Black Bart on November 24, 2006, 11:48:27 AM
YYYAAARRRRRGH...Dear Head Master
As ye appointed any caterers to this fine school o yours yet? Students need proper nurishment if they be goin to excel in thier studies. Don't make the mistake of so many schools by allowing fast food into yer tuck shops and eateries.
What ye need is proper home cooked meals as recommended by Captain James Oliver. Ye'll have seen him advertising 'Ye Olde Fishe Head Stewe' no doubt and in other adverts for Bart Industries.
We at Bart Industries can offer yer school the hearty stew the kids need to grow up strong and healthy. For a year's supply please complete the enclosed forms and forward payment to:
Bart Industries
6, Gibbet Lane,
Portsmouth
(Just behind the Scumsoft helpdesk offices).
Dear Mr Bart,
As we are a school encouraging childrens nutrition, we would very strongly recommend that you fishhead stew does not come within a 2km radius of this school.
However if your company will agree to make a healthy variety ie DaveL's Country Blend, then we might be in a position to offer your products in our school canteen.
Tell Mr Oliver to report to the
Slops Hall Catering Facility at once!!
We are also a school desperately in need of funds, so any
bribes, financial endorsements offered by your company shall be met with a
call to the police , a blind eye (patch).
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Quote from: NoName on November 24, 2006, 11:50:37 PM
Dear Top Master
Oi be oferin me services as skool counsilurr. Wen em pesky kids be too disgusting bad an especiul if em be avin problems at ome wiv ther Cap'ns or ooever, Oi be sortin em out fer ye.
Oi got me refrence redy - c/o Marge Proops-Deck.
Oi opes yer in good spirits.
Cap'n Treadmill-Kane
Dear Capn Treadmill Kane,
There a some very sad, disturbed cases in this school. But, this has nothing to do with our
heavy corporal punishment, schooling methods.
If yer think you are up to the task, then please report to the
infirmary counselling centre.
You may also need to watch those children who indulge in
that dreaded fishhead stew, the fruits of our caterer.
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Deer 'ead Mast'r;
Oi!
I be applyin' fer th' posishun o' physikal edoocashun. ***crrrack whip***
'em thar li'l brats wull be so's tired 'ey won't be a troublin' nobody!
Fer me refferance oi gots me deckhands 'ere. They'll be tellin' ya how hard I works 'em.
"'ey thar you! Stop lickin' me boots. They not be dirrrrrty enough yet..."
Annie Skullard
Dear Annie,
Any girl carryin a whip around these parts, is worth meeting me after school, worthy of a position at this school.
What's better it'll save me a fortune on fees at Madame Fifi's, conducting after hours detention.
You can give me an after school demonstration, come in for an interview any toime yer like.
Koind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Dear 'Eadmaster
I be wantin' to offer me services to yer school as English master. I has extensive practice in draftin' ransom notes an' terms o' surrender, an would like to pass some o' me skills on.
I could also be showin' the kids some debatin' and negotiating techniques what ne'er fail.
I look forwards to yer reply. Ye can find me in the back room o' the Admiral Benbow.
Dear Heddemaster,
Oi wuld loike to present meself to yer for a position at yer institooshin of edyukayshin.
In this increasin'ly multi-cultural and complex werld, evvery poirate needs ter be up't dayte on his cultcheral skills. Oi proposes a class in deportment, foine dancin', an' th' proper way to address foreigners what don't speak Hinglish like normal human bein's do.
Oi hev me own brace of pistols fer teachin' dancin (as Oi hev found th' feet move much quicker when dodgin' hot lead) and only require a ground floor classroom, as the encouragin' practices can cause cranial leadification in occupants of lower floors.
As to other class subjeckts, me toime as a slave high-classed servant in a Heathen Land has given me much okayshun ter study th' ways of the well-to-do (as so many hostages are nowadays) and to inneract wif foreigners, includin' them what chooses to wear their bedsheets wrapped aroun' emselfs, and a dishcloth on their heddes. Th' auld tecknike of speakin loudly to 'em does nae werke, but my new method of speakin' louder whilst drawrin' a picksher has prooved most suckcessfulle!
Oi could also, for a small eckstra proice, bring along an foine orckestra fer the dancin' music, who can dubble as foreigners for the speakin' lessons and act as if they's the cultchered persons of hostage. (One of me band even can portray a Royal Personage, as 'ee has becomme to consider hisself The Queen of Henglan'.
Th' well rounded Pirate wi' be th one to prosper in th' comin' global economy. Let us werkke t'gevver to make sure these lads me prepared to face a growin' werlde.
Yours,
Commodore Amanda Teach Al-Hanan Lubachevsky Pfefferbaum
Dear 'Eadmaster
I be applying to yer school as teacher of Human Biology. I be an experienced teacher of this subject for many years as the owner of Fifi's.
I not be a great lover of textbooks, what yer students will get with me is fieldwork at my establishment where me wenches an I will give some practical demonstrations to each of yer students.
For these tutorials each student must pay me 1000 dubloons but this is a bargain as they will get far more knowledge of Human Biology at Fifi's than they will get out of a book.
If yer don't give me a job, I be telling yer wife where ye were last night.
Fifi
Quote from: The Black Spot on November 26, 2006, 12:27:47 PM
Dear 'Eadmaster
I be wantin' to offer me services to yer school as English master. I has extensive practice in draftin' ransom notes an' terms o' surrender, an would like to pass some o' me skills on.
I could also be showin' the kids some debatin' and negotiating techniques what ne'er fail.
I look forwards to yer reply. Ye can find me in the back room o' the Admiral Benbow.
Dear Mr Spot,
Our syllabus requires that our students master the use of
cuss-words, taunting-the-enemy from a very early age.
Unfortunately, our kiddies are being polluted by too much politeness these days. So make sure that you show 'em the true art of bein' insultin'.
There are ample facilities for drafting ransom notes. We have several
blood donors, sponsors who donate their
blood stationary for writing the most
scary, effective ransom notes ever.
As Oi am a respectable Principal, Oi 'aves never 'erd of the Admiral Benbow
at least when Oi am sober, so Oi will be wearing my
Madame Fifi's all access badge, Principals Hat when Oi come lookin for yer.
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Dear Cap'n Bill,
Oi be sendin this letter in inquire o' whether a position be open for a 'hinstructor in the Natural Sciences. Oi 'ave a more'n adeqet adakwa good edyucational history and experience in Applied Alchemy and Chemical sciences (with special practice at turnin' C, S an' KNO3 into Au). Oi also am much aquainted with the botanical sciences, particulairly the identifyin' an applications of tocksic vegetations. In addition I 'ave additional hands hooks-on 'hexperience in basic kinematics an' ballistics to provide lessons on fig Newtonian fizzics, and kin instruct in basic first aid (plasters, patches an' amputations).
As a bonus project Oi'd be delighted to 'elp supervise micro-biologolocol labs in yeast reproduction in assistance o' Cap'n Bluenose's coursework provided 'e allow me the use o' one o' 'is old ratty stills for makin ether durin' school holidays.
Please foind also attached a resume for me mate and recommended lab course master, Dr. Igor Van Svatopluck.
Yrs,
"Ague" Jim Mortisin
Quote from: Sibling Chatty on November 26, 2006, 05:47:13 PM
Dear Heddemaster,
Oi wuld loike to present meself to yer for a position at yer institooshin of edyukayshin.
In this increasin'ly multi-cultural and complex werld, evvery poirate needs ter be up't dayte on his cultcheral skills. Oi proposes a class in deportment, foine dancin', an' th' proper way to address foreigners what don't speak Hinglish like normal human bein's do.
Oi hev me own brace of pistols fer teachin' dancin (as Oi hev found th' feet move much quicker when dodgin' hot lead) and only require a ground floor classroom, as the encouragin' practices can cause cranial leadification in occupants of lower floors.
As to other class subjeckts, me toime as a slave high-classed servant in a Heathen Land has given me much okayshun ter study th' ways of the well-to-do (as so many hostages are nowadays) and to inneract wif foreigners, includin' them what chooses to wear their bedsheets wrapped aroun' emselfs, and a dishcloth on their heddes. Th' auld tecknike of speakin loudly to 'em does nae werke, but my new method of speakin' louder whilst drawrin' a picksher has prooved most suckcessfulle!
Oi could also, for a small eckstra proice, bring along an foine orckestra fer the dancin' music, who can dubble as foreigners for the speakin' lessons and act as if they's the cultchered persons of hostage. (One of me band even can portray a Royal Personage, as 'ee has becomme to consider hisself The Queen of Henglan'.
Th' well rounded Pirate wi' be th one to prosper in th' comin' global economy. Let us werkke t'gevver to make sure these lads me prepared to face a growin' werlde.
Yours,
Commodore Amanda Teach Al-Hanan Lubachevsky Pfefferbaum
Dear Commodore Amanda,
Your proposition is most interesting. At present, we limit our dance education to 'Briny Jigs 101'.
Therefore, your skills would enhance our dance syllabus no end.
Wif your help we will introduce a new elective entitled 'Drunken Romps 201', which will be taught in conjunction with our Distillery Master, Captain Bluenose.
Those truly gifted DR 201 students can then progress to the highly selective 'Bawdy Rum Fuelled Frenzy 301' elective, which will be taught in conjunction with Capn Black Spot, Capn Blue Nose and the 'cracking' talents of Ms Annie Skullard.
Looking forward to seeing your werke and enhancin our school reputation in the fine arts.
Koind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Quote from: Calico Jack on November 27, 2006, 01:20:14 PM
Dear 'Eadmaster
I be applying to yer school as teacher of Human Biology. I be an experienced teacher of this subject for many years as the owner of Fifi's.
I not be a great lover of textbooks, what yer students will get with me is fieldwork at my establishment where me wenches an I will give some practical demonstrations to each of yer students.
For these tutorials each student must pay me 1000 dubloons but this is a bargain as they will get far more knowledge of Human Biology at Fifi's than they will get out of a book.
If yer don't give me a job, I be telling yer wife where ye were last night.
Fifi
Dear Madame Fifi,
It's your old pal Cullinane here As principal of this school, I will not allow any visits to your establishment,
at least during school hours.
So I will need to restrict your modus operandi to theoretical lessons only. Given your vast experience in the topic,
for which I have first hand knowledge, this should prove ample information for our young pirates.
I would like to include your teaching methods in our curricula
, provided Oi get a wavier on me next years all access pass.
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
(aka Tiger)
:Start_O_Letter:
Dear BigHead C.
Oi noticed yer asnt filled the persition o IT Tutor. Oi got shit-loads buckets tuns very useful experience at Scumsoft fer meny years an Oi got a CV too long ter go in any compooter. Fervermore, Oi got the patients of a saint wen the little booblighters mek msiteks wot they allus do. Oi av a good trak record o mekin them macheens wurk by brute force too fer witch Oi got the Hooker Award jest last year. Oi knows jest ow ter get the most outer yer ook wen it cums ter tappin the ol' keybored.
Oi ken offer basic level - wich incloods lurnin ter type wiv two eyepaches - intamedjiat level wiv ook-eye co-ordinatiun thrown in - an advanced fer em as aint broke nuthin by then. In advanced them will lern em several stuff loike Hi_Jack, Hack_Her, an a speshial curse in Werms wich we be develepin oursels copyin off a frend expert in erm in Werms as Oi was sayin.
As yer ken see, me compooter compsosed this applikatiun usin its nooral netwerk wot Oi invented so yer ken see Oi'm jest the tikket.
Yousr
Lord earl Cap'n lord TreadMill-Loop ANN
POSTSCrIPt av_OI_got_ther_job Y/N N GO TO Start_O_Letter
Deer 'eadmaster,
I would like to apply for t'e posishion of your new skool managemer. I 'ave big ecsp axp eperience wit' stealing off managing great football clubs, such as the P.M.F.C., and great international corporations, such as Mme. Fifi's International Enertainment and Pleasure Industries.
My most notable achievement wos, t'at noone in t'e clubs and corporations, I've managed, got paid for years, and noone complained. I t'ink my experience could be useful, w'en 'andling the lecturers and pupils.
Furthermore my good connections wit' the beer, rum and tonic industry, could be probably of use for the breakfast menu at t'e skool.
Yous suncirely
Cap'n Kiyoodle the Stealing Office Rat Trustworthy
YArrrr...
Dear Applicants,
The school has been inundated wif appl,curriculumummu, queries about all the psitins jobs at the school.
Oi promise Oi will return your replies. As soon as Oi sober up, get out of the Dungeon of Love, finish me budgetary commitments with Fifi the accountant.
Koind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
'Ere yer go, 'eadmaster,
This be that 'ogs'ead o' me special over-proof, err... tonic ye were askin abowt.
Dyer want me ter put it down in the budgetin room (he he, ho ho) where ye be doin th' budget estimates (never 'eard it called that before!) with the new Biology Mistress?
Master o' Distillin' Bluenose
To: Captain Bill Cullinane.
From: Dr Austin Wheelwright PhD, DCO, KFC, AK47 and Bar
RE: THE OPENING OF PORTSMOUTH PIRATE PUBLIC SCHOOL
Sir,
it has come to my attention that your school has engaged the services of a new teaching staff. It has further come to my attention that this new staff consists of a despicable band of villains, cutthroats, harlots and illiterate drunkards.
We in the Portsmouth Board of Education have set high standards that have to be maintained in all our seats of learning. We are aghast at the nature of the vile establishment that you propose to open.
You will, of course, get a full hearing before we close you down. I therefore require that you ensure that your report, or a fat brown envelope, is on my desk by tomorrow morning.
Yours faithfully
(squiggle)
Quote from: Kiyoodle the Gambrinous on November 29, 2006, 07:57:29 AM
Deer 'eadmaster,
I would like to apply for t'e posishion of your new skool managemer. I 'ave big ecsp axp eperience wit' stealing off managing great football clubs, such as the P.M.F.C., and great international corporations, such as Mme. Fifi's International Enertainment and Pleasure Industries.
My most notable achievement wos, t'at noone in t'e clubs and corporations, I've managed, got paid for years, and noone complained. I t'ink my experience could be useful, w'en 'andling the lecturers and pupils.
Furthermore my good connections wit' the beer, rum and tonic industry, could be probably of use for the breakfast menu at t'e skool.
Yous suncirely
Cap'n Kiyoodle the Stealing Office Rat Trustworthy
Dear Kiyoodle,
While yer be possessin' many fine talents there, we would strongly urge your wealth liberating skills be harnessed for
robbing others generating funds at the school.
We would like you to participate in our special financial management subjects. 'Liberating Others of their Wealth 101' 'Healthy, Wealthy and Evil 201' and for the truly gifted 'Merchant Vessel Funds Transfer Management 301'
Having your financial skills will teach our kiddies about investing their ill gotten gains.
Come in for an interview at once.
Kind Regards,
Prinicipal Cullinane
PS Can yer send Dr Austin Wheelwright PhD, DCO, KFC, AK47 and Bar a brown paper envelope advance. Oi just spent all me money on the budget estimates. Ta!
S T R I C K L Y C O N F I D E N S H U L
To: 'Eadmaster
From Master of D'stillin
Dear 'Eadmaster,
Oi aheared that Dr Austin Wheelwright PhD, DCO, KFC, AK47 and Bar be amaking a newsents o' hisself. If ye ba avin ani trubbel wiv 'im, Oi 'ave some interstin fotograffs taken on a resent voyage ter the far east wot he undertook on me ship wen Oi last visitied that part o' the globe. Ye mite loik ter mention Chantel, Roxanne and Bubbles oo were 'is "assistants" an' enquire as to just who "Snooky" woz. Oi am sure that you will foind 'im ter be much more accommodatin after ye do this.
Master o' distillin (an' skullduggery) Bluenose
Dear Sibling Bluenose,
Thankyou so much for your most gracious assistance. Putting that bastid naughty regulator in his place will save us all a trip to prison fortune.
Make your necessary arrangements.
By the way, I heard that Bustlin Brian has bin givin' you a hard time with his 1800-BASTARD helpline(run by his mum) and his dodgy distillery pipes.
O'ill set a few of me crank calling students onto him. Brian and his mum will be fieldin' a few phone calls of the 'Madame Fifi' variety. That should keep him honest for a while...YArr!
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
To: Captain Bill Cullinane
From: Dr Austin Wheelwright PhD, DCO, KFC, AK47 and Bar
RE: THE OPENING OF PORTSMOUTH PIRATE PUBLIC SCHOOL
Thank you for your bung detailed report. The contents seemed more than adequate. However, a small matter needs to be resolved before I can approve the opening of your establishment.
I was sipping my tea and preparing my letter of recommendation for your school when a loud, drunken thug burst into my office. This unspeakable oaf then began demanding - in very coarse terms, I may say - that I give him your bribe report in exchange for several rather colourful photographs.
As he was heavily armed and rather insistant, I thought it prudent to go along with the request.
I have no idea who this grotesque creature was, but judging by his ferocious appearance, vulgar language and complete absence of higher brain function, I can only assume that he is a member of your teaching staff. You may be able to identify him by the heavy smell of alcohol that surrounds him and the curious hissing noise made by his legs when he walks.
I was considering asking you for the return of your backhander report, but the bilge rat's head I found in my bed this morning has persuaded me to consider this matter closed.
Yours
squiggle
Dear Principal Cullinane
Have you any idea what sort of children will be taking up residence in the new school? I have heard rumours that it is to be a school of Piracy, but if it is to be a public school I assume they will be posh Pirates. We must do lunch some time to discuss.
Yours truly
Lady Penelope Fotheringhay Hulme
Principal of St Winifred's Public School for posh girls
Accross the street from the pirate school (gulp!)
Dear Prinsepal
Owin ter not avin erd from yer regaardin me applicaision fer It teechin, Oi as taken ther libertee o infestin assistin yer netwerk wiv a few o me best trojians. Yer will foind them elpful an eeger ter bang out draft sootable replies fer ye.
Them also be niftee at printin out the reddies bank notes; jest load yer printer wiv sum water-stayned A4 an cut along of the dotted lines. Oi opes this feetuour will proove yoosful in the currant climaite.
Oi will be earin from ye.
Lord Cap'n Lord Treadmill-Loop ANN
Quote from: DaveL on November 29, 2006, 07:48:37 PM
Dear Kiyoodle,
While yer be possessin' many fine talents there, we would strongly urge your wealth liberating skills be harnessed for robbing others generating funds at the school.
We would like you to participate in our special financial management subjects. 'Liberating Others of their Wealth 101' 'Healthy, Wealthy and Evil 201' and for the truly gifted 'Merchant Vessel Funds Transfer Management 301'
Having your financial skills will teach our kiddies about investing their ill gotten gains.
Come in for an interview at once.
Kind Regards,
Prinicipal Cullinane
PS Can yer send Dr Austin Wheelwright PhD, DCO, KFC, AK47 and Bar a brown paper envelope advance. Oi just spent all me money on the budget estimates. Ta!
Deer Prisipel Cullinane.
It woud b' an 'onor for me to be a part of yer
pillagin' teachin' staff. I 'ave great experience wit' the sujjested subjects.
But first I will need the
little bastards nice kiddies to bring five doubloons to the first class, so I can
'ave some beer money teach 'em 'ow to invest 'em.
Yours sincerely
Kiyoodle
Ripp-You-Off the Trustworthy
Quote from: NoName on November 29, 2006, 01:08:02 AM
:Start_O_Letter:
Dear BigHead C.
Oi noticed yer asnt filled the persition o IT Tutor. Oi got shit-loads buckets tuns very useful experience at Scumsoft fer meny years an Oi got a CV too long ter go in any compooter. Fervermore, Oi got the patients of a saint wen the little booblighters mek msiteks wot they allus do. Oi av a good trak record o mekin them macheens wurk by brute force too fer witch Oi got the Hooker Award jest last year. Oi knows jest ow ter get the most outer yer ook wen it cums ter tappin the ol' keybored.
Oi ken offer basic level - wich incloods lurnin ter type wiv two eyepaches - intamedjiat level wiv ook-eye co-ordinatiun thrown in - an advanced fer em as aint broke nuthin by then. In advanced them will lern em several stuff loike Hi_Jack, Hack_Her, an a speshial curse in Werms wich we be develepin oursels copyin off a frend expert in erm in Werms as Oi was sayin.
As yer ken see, me compooter compsosed this applikatiun usin its nooral netwerk wot Oi invented so yer ken see Oi'm jest the tikket.
Yousr
Lord earl Cap'n lord TreadMill-Loop ANN
POSTSCrIPt av_OI_got_ther_job Y/N N GO TO Start_O_Letter
Dear Lord Treadmill,
Anyone can that can win a Hooker's award is a friend of mine!! The ones around here are way too dowdy to win anything...oops sorry!!...Oi didn't read the rest of yer letter,Oi seez yer in IT. Fine professhun indeed!!
Oi've bin a bit distracted of late, as Oi've had
Fifi and the girls, me accountant
beating me sensless , running a few numbers for me...all looks good
*wink*.
Oi thinks we'll be needun a bit of 'elp wif Scumsoft Portholes 1700. Those kids sure are cluey, but they'll need yer help.
Oi bin thinkin of purchasin satellite navigashun for the school trainin' galleons - The Arghh 8000's donated by Honest John O'Grady...YArrr, O'im still
getting counselling, in shock after seein that bloke in The Men of Portsmouth calendar...EWWWW!!
Anyways, your talents will be most welcome at our school.
Please come in when the financial accounting is finished.
'Pass me your calculator please Brenda'Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Piracy Council for Higher Heducation Inspectorate:
OFSTED
(Old Fearsome Seagoing Terrors Educate Dekids)
Dear Principal Cullinane
Before the school officially opens it will of course be subject to an official OFSTED inspection. The inspection will take the form of a Full Scale Boarding party. Our men will attempt to scale the walls and take the school by force. If you successfully repel the boarders your school will have passed the test.
The inspection will take place one week before the opening date. We will be hoping to get the inspection done by lunch toim as we are due to inspect St Winifred's Girl School in the afternoon...YYYYAAARRRRGH!
Good luck
Yours sincerely
Captain Flint
Chairman of the OFSTED team
Cullinane:
I understand that Flint and his OFSTED team be threatenin' ter move again' yer. The orckestrearly section leaders an' meself will be movin' in from the NNE, prepared to counterattackt them as they try to board. To save on th' wear and tear and to promotte neighborly affections, we hev also contracktid wi' St. Winnie's fer our services, and feel we can provide a pointed distrackshun allowin' yerself an th' rest o' th' staff ter bung the auld blighters away from secure the grounds.
The rest o' me orkestra be engaged at St. Winnie's that AM for their openin' tea, but will have sufficient ammo an' grapplin hooks on hand to pervide an assist if needed. Oi will hev the majority of the contrabass section wif me, hincludin' Walter "Wowser the Oucher" Billinham,
Eugene "Exstreem Pain" Paynter and Eldina "Ballbreaker" Buchanan. Only our "Priscilla" (Second Bassist Pluto Charnowtski) will be at St. Winnies, as they prefers a loighter touch than me usual wif ther tea-music.
In return for this eksepshunal assistance, we will require the occaisonal use of ther skool rehearsall hall fer a bit o' light choreography and orkestral chair-challenges. (We hev found that a comprehensive challenge programme prevents needless and extraneous deaths among our principal players.)
We will be bringin' our own eksplosives, foire-armes and large overly-curious dogs wif cold noses.
Commodore Amanda
Dear Piratica Soccer Team,
I have a shite fight, am in dire need of your services. Can you please arrange to meet me at the front gate urgently? I have a small security matter Oi needs yers for.
Could you please instruct Blackspot to bring those super cannons recently used in the Santa match. O'ill be preparin a nice surprise for Flint's OFSTED blighters.
Can yer also instruct Bart to forward 2 dozen cases of fishead stew concentrate.
Commodore Amanda and the St Winnie's girls will be joning the rumble. If yer lucky, they'll wantin to meet yers for an 'autograph' session afer the melee. *wink*
See yers at the gate,
Principal Cullinane
Aye aye Prinserple Cullinane,
Oi am ready an willin. Also Oi 'ave taken th' liberty o making a few 'undred Molotov ccocktails wiv me latest batch o' special extra over-proof tonic. (Be careful wen ye 'andle em boys, they be a bit unstable an culd go off in yer 'and iffen ye don't wotch owt.)
We'll be ready fer a littel showdown, jess you wait an see...
Cap'n Mad Scientist Bluenose
Piracy Council for Higher Heducation Inspectorate:
OFSTED
(Old Fearsome Seagoing Terrors Educate Dekids)
Dear Principal Cullinane
I be hearing nasty rumours (some of me men are on yer staff) that you be intending to disrupt the inspection by my men.
If this is the case I can promise you we will meet fire with fire. My highly trained workforce are desperados who have plundered in every port on the seven seas. An uglier bunch of ruffians yer will not come across anywhere. They used to crew on the Black Spot's ship but he got rid of em on account they were to nasty.
Any attempt to resist my mens's advance and I guarantee a lingering death for all of yer and ye will be first on the list.
Have a nice day.
Yours sincerely
Captain Flint
Chairman of the OFSTED team
Piracy Council for Higher Heducation Inspectorate:
OFSTED
(Old Fearsome Seagoing Terrors Educate Dekids)
Dear Principal Cullinane
We've just seen the St winifred's Girls School Hockey team playin on their sports field...shiver me timbers it were a terrifying sight! As a result of this prior knowledge we have decided to cancel the St winifred's inspection until a Bigger Fleet can be raised, and we will be concentrating on boardi...er, inspectin your school instead.
Yours Sincerely
Capn Flint
Chairman of Ofsted
Flint and the OFSTED Team:
Be aware thatt Oi'm werkin' wi' Cullinane and the St. Winnie's girls ter pass yer inspeckshun.
Oi wud foind it a persn'l honor if yer'ud agree to a ceremoniall match-up only, as Priscilla and the Lightsteppers are 'heartset on a loverly tea-dance at St. Winnies, and they do na' wish ter muss ther new frocks.
You may remember that Priscilla, although seeminly delicate in nature, is the same size as his twin, Bluto (me piccolo player) standin' near half a 'ead higher than the tallest lamppost on th' High Street, and weighin' slightly more than the oxen he be stunnin' at the packin' lot on his offtime extry job. ('ee be entitled to premium pay, as he dasn't risk one o' their stunnin' sledges, 'ee just uses 'is 'ead.)
Bluto has formed a small jazz combo from amongst his mates at the packin' lot, Bluto an' the Blue Note Wailers, and they all be prepared to join wiv us. (7 musicians requirin enough stage room for 15...eckonomikle ter book if yer don't offer dinner wi' th' engaygmint.)
P'raps yer shud consider joinin' us fer a "Welcome to th' Neighborhood" Party wi' the St. Winnie's gang instead of an hinspeckshun. The caterears can always use spare people to serve and clean up, or ye can respond polite-like to th' invite to th' party...
By th' way, Flint, Bluto sez Priscilla wants yer to know that the pickshers came out well an are suitabell fer framin'. Oi b'leev she's wantin to send on to yer wife and another to yer crew.
What say ye?
Commodore Amanda Teach yadda yadda yadda...
Dear Cullinary
Oi be alarmed at the rumers of violence surroundin a prospectiv OFSTED inspektiun at yer skool.
Oi av taken the liberty of throwin my cloak of invisibility over yer entyre bilding. No one will be abel to foind yer skul now.
Yours
Cap'n Harry Potter
Piracy Council for Higher Heducation Inspectorate:
OFSTED
(Old Fearsome Seagoing Terrors Educate Dekids)
Dear Lady Penelope Fotheringhay Hulme
Principal of St Winifred's Public School for posh girls
Can we borrow the St winifred's Girls School Hockey team for half an hour to help us with a little job in the neighbourhood?
Yours Sincerely
Capn Flint
Chairman of Ofsted
Dear Defenders of P.P.P.S,
Thankyou so much for beating the crap out of, protecting the integrity of our school from OFSTED.
In particular, thanks to Black Bart for unleashing that deadly toxic cloud. The fumes killed all the vegetation, so we'll be advertisin for a new gardener in the near future.
The girls from St Winnies fought like a bunch of school girls, wif incredible gusto. Black Spot's devastatin' 450mm super gun rounds have damaged the drama theatre, so Commodore Amanda may have to conduct her dance lessons on the main sports field. We will be advertisin' for a school carpenter ASAP.
O'ill be aksin for yers to submit yer new kerick, currikuer, subject outlines for review in me office.
OFSTED won't be visitin' us again for quite some time.
The School will open as planned.
Koind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Cullinane,
Priscilla says she knows a fine strappin' carpenter that'll do the woodwerkin' and roofin', and the interior will be done by her persnal inteeryor deckeratin'crew.
Oi hev convinced her that neiver pink nor lavendar would be a good colour for the main curtains or the Grand Curtain, so she has dragged out her red brocades and velvets and WILL be doin' red, evn tho she sez it is hell to acksesserize.
Furthermore, there will be a perfessional dance floor installed on the stage, as Priscilla has one stored in the sheds back of her auld Mum's cottage, from back when she and her bruvver ran Pluto and Bluto's Ballroom and Billiards.
Oi hev warned her that th' skool is new and cannot be affordin' much eckstravagance, but her special friend has just sent her a big packet o' money won from some gamblin' in th' Carribean Islands, and she knows it'll be 'his treat' to pervide whatever she wants fer th' skool. Seems she's also been keepin' 'is books and knows who 'ee be owin' an' ow much, an will be fixin' him hansomly back inter society as a wealthy bennyfactor, so as not to have him fitted for a hemp necktie again' his will. Again.
As yer kno, it's generally best to allow our Priscilla to do as she warnts when it comes to deckoratin' an such, as she's not adverse to takin' a stunnin' hammer to the 'ead of them what argues wi 'er. As long as th' financin's set an' she doesn't go ovverboard on tassles and such, Oi sugjest we lets 'er do it.
Commodore Amanda
Dear Teachers and Students,
Oi've been giving great considerashun in between visits to Madame Fifi's, followin' this years raid by OFSTED about the makeup of this years curriculum. Oi haves finalised the 1st year subjects.
The followin' first year course outline has been submitted and will commence in February 1707.
Course Number Title
ARGH 101 Piracy in Society
ARGH 102 Basic Maritime and Weaponry Skills
ARGH 103 Briny Jigs
ARGH 104 Introduction to Distilling
ARGH 105 The Joys of Corporal Punishment
ARGH 106 The Joys of Capital Punishment (a very short course this one!)
ARGH 107 Basic Piratical Communication
ARGH 108 Basic Parrot/Cabin Boy Handling
YArrr..if Oi be missun anythin essential let me know
Regards,
Principal Bill Cullinane
Ye forgot "Liberating Others of their Wealth", my speciality...
I 'ope t'at t'is mistake will b' soon corrected. Iv not, I'll make sure, t'at yer skool will be liberated of yer welf.
Yours sinserely Kiyoodle the Liberator
YArrr...
Indeed Kiyoodle, we shall have a subject ARGH 109
'Liberating Others of Their Wealth - Introduction to Pirate Accounting'
YYYAAARRRR...Don't forget:
Fishe Heade Stewe tasting - Beginners, Intermediate and Advanced.
Ye might not get many in the Intermediate Classes!
YArrr...
Oi thinks Oi'll be putting that lot in 'ARGH 106'.
Before the school opens we need:
Suggestions for the School Motto
and Designs for the school uniform
Usual school mottos make you want to throw up yer Fishe heade Stewe and go something like:
Ad Lucem Per Crucem = Through the cross to the light!
YYYUUUUUUUKKKK! That's where our cabin Boys come from!
Vouloir C'est Pouvoir = To be willing is to be able
Well that's a froggy one for a start...blaggards!
Pirate School Motto suggestion No1:
Est Jolly Rogerum Infinitum = No translation available
Carpe Aurum = Seize the Gold
For the school uniform, I'd stick with a full pirate regalia. Of course the girls should wear those cute short skirts (I heard Mme Fifi would be glad to provide them in different colours and even in leather). Something like in the picture below would be very appropriate:
(http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/P/B000CD88JK.01-A3JL2AOBDCBPFE._AA280_SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg)
:mrgreen:
YArrrr,
That school uniform be way too old fashioned and conservative for my liking, but it'll do.
I once had Fifi's girls some models give a demonstration of the new school uniform.
Mr Bluenose,
Can you please report to my office. I have a rather sorrowful but shifty looking pipe supplier, who would like to issue you wif an apology.
Mr Bart,
The education board would like to undertake a friendly inspection of our school. I trust you can make the necessary catering arrangements. Can you please present your motto ideas to the Board.
Madame Fifi will be providing the entertainment to the Board. That should take care of any dissenting voices about the integrity of our school.
Looking forward to seeing your subject outlines in the near future.
Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Quote from: DaveL on December 18, 2006, 04:45:51 AM
I once had Fifi's girls some models give a demonstration of the new school uniform.
YYYAAARRRR...I thinks I were at sea when that demonstration took place. Could ye re-arrange it so I can check there be room fer the school badge and motto...left or right breast, what d'ye think?
Dear Suckers, Parents,
Thankyou so much for enrolling your little blaggard, prospective pirate at Portsmouth Pirate Public School.
We look forward to corrupting your kid quicker than you can say 'Black Spot's a blaggard' enhancing your child's life at this school.
We have more vice here than 'Miami' many opportunities for your child, which will make him/her the biggest evil seafaring scumbag, the finest maritime students in all the land.
On behalf of all the evil swines teachers and support staff, I'd like to welcome you and your child to our cockroach ridden hellhole fine educational institution.
If you have any queries, you can contact me at the school, or after hours on '1800-OO-LA-LA extension 'Pleasure Chest Room' via the secretary.
Look forward to meeting with you, as soon as you pay up in the near future.
Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Dear Pirnciplee Culnana
Thank yew for avin my kids. Is the schoool any wer near East Anglia? I am shur the kids will be beeter heducated than what I wuz. One questun: Wot is a Buccnaneer?
Yours Sinclerely
Jade Goody
Dear 'Eadmaster
As requested 'ere be the carri curra details o' one o' the courses for ye to put in yer pross prer magazine
ARGH 102 Basic Marine Skills and Weaponry Skills. On completion of the course, the successful student will have a working knowledge of many of the issues concerning a life of piracy, and should be able to blag a job as a consultant.
Part 1: Basic Marine Skills
This be a two part course. That's cos if yer a pirate, yer ship's either alright or it's knackered.
Module A: Floating.
Subjects covered include: Chasing a merchant ship. Fleeing the Royal Navy. Coping with being becalmed - urine drinking, cannibalism for beginners.
Module B: Sinking.
Subjects covered include: How to abandon ship with style. Driftwood clutching. Stealing a new ship.
Part 2: Weaponry skills
Module A: Quiet ways to get rid o' people
There aren't actually any items on this course. Things like garrottin', throat slittin', stranglin' an' pre-emptive cutlass strike were proposed for inclusion, but were considered to be "noisy" as they are always accompanied by a triumphant shout of "YAAAAAAAARRGGGHHHH!"
Module B: Noisy ways to get rid o' people
Flintlock, blunderbus, bomb, cannon, boarding party, bottle, axe, housebrick, telescope, ship's bell... pretty much everything really.
An interesting, fulfilling course prepared by our dedicated team of tutors. Additional materials provided by our Special Guest Lecturer, Cap'n Cronan.
M E M O R A N D U M
To: Principal Cullinane
From: Distillery Master
Re: Lesson PlanDeer Prinsipal,
Oi bin werkin onna Lesson Plan fer the Year Wun
little blighters, errr.. darling students an Oi fink ye better give it a checkers before the little
buggas errr...
students arrive.
'Ere it be:
Lesson Numba | Tital | Deetales |
|
Wun | Konstructin Yer Still | Procurin yer materiells
Pipes, pipes an' moor pipes
The uses of chewing gum
Fire-box design
How to avoid Big Ron's plumbing supplies |
|
Too | Fermentashun fer beginners Pt1
- Raw materiels | Potatoes
grapes
apples
sugar cane
Yer granny's week old rice puddin
Anyfink yer can get yer sticky 'ands on |
|
Free | Fermentashun fer beginners Pt2
- Gettin a roight smelly brew 'appenin | Starting kultcha - the joy of old socks
Gettin somewun else ter wotch over it
The importance of kleenleeness - no gobbin in the mix
Smells - 'ow ter tell wen itz reddy |
|
Fore | Loadin the still | Dekantin the slurry
Tastin Testin the mix
Wot ter do wiv the sludge - happy goats in the yard |
|
Fyve | Firin it all up | Kontrolled combustchen
Keepin an eye on pressure
Emergency chewing gum use
Blaming somewun else fer exploshuns |
|
Sicks | Raw spirit storage | New versus old kegs
White, light or dark?
Aging th' product to perfekshun |
|
Sev'n | Quality Kontroll | Tasting Testing the spirit
The importance of reglar quality checks
Moore on quality checks
Another view on quality checks
Advanced quality checking
Komparing the quality between batches
Ensuring consistent quality from all the barrels by quality checks
Quality checks before shipping the product
Qualidy shecks whyl shippn the produck
Qually sheggz at th' pub
Qually shux inyer cab'n
Quallery chicks outdoooors
Kwalty choocks indores
Kwllry chcks in bad wevver
Quyecks in gud wevva.....(415 lines edited out here) |
Yers, respeckfulli,
Cap'n Bluenose
hic!
For the junior school:
Cabin Boys Certificate level one:
Part One General Deck skills:
Scamperin up the Riggin loik a monkey
Fetchin the Capn's Grog in a Force 10 gale
Being in the cabin quite alot
Part Two Simple Chemistry and Observation Skills:
Tastin the Capn's Lunch for poisons
Hiding in an apple barrel whilst the crew gather mutinously in the lower decks
Spotting dropped dubloons
Man Management Skills
Part 1: Looking after the swabs.
Ye will find that yer ship has three tiers in its line management chain. Cap'n, Officers, an Swabs. Swabs be the most numerous, but they also be idle, feckless, good-fer-nuffin' scum. Half o' them should be shot, an the other half hung. Unfortunately, ye need 'em to help sail the ship an' form boarding parties, an so ye have to make the best o' a bad job.
All swabs seem to be a bit on the deaf side, so make sure ye bark yer orders out nice an loud. Preferably wi' yer nose about an inch from the swab's face.
Swabs be forgetful. Extensive research by me own ship's doctor proves that a few lashes wi' the cat releases kemmikals that make the brain remember things better. Ye should refresh their memories at least once a week.
Swabs aren't the sharpest cutlass in the rack, so ye has to to teach 'em a few simple rules. We be grateful to Dr Isaac Asimuth fer formulating...
The Three Laws of Swabotics
1. A Swab must never disobey the Captain,
or through inaction, prevent what the
Cap'n wants to happen.
2. A swab must always obey an officer,
unless such instructions conflict with the first law.
3. A swab may try to preserve his own
miserable, worthless existance
as long as such action does not
conflict with the first or second laws.
With these simple rules, ye can go many happy weeks without a mutiny.
Dear Mr Bart, Mr Bluenose and Mr Spot,
Your courses have been approved for enrolment. We will inform you of student numbers shortly.
To ensure you don't scare them away, we have substituted your staff pictures with more (erm) 'academic' lookin' photos.
(http://images.google.com.au/images?q=tbn:n2MXgGrshxZmGM:http://www.foursitestudios.com/theplayer/images/nerd.jpg)
Mr Black Bart
(http://images.google.com.au/images?q=tbn:B4KzgeXpPMluIM:http://www.tobyradloff.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/04/genuine-nerd-interview.jpg)
Mr Bluenose
(http://images.google.com.au/images?q=tbn:ffL4s5oHcXFtNM:http://www.marshallfox.com/Design/Zanuck,%2520Dork%2520Hawian%2520Shirt.jpg)
Mr Black Spot
Ahhh, that academic look will surely wow the parents into signin' their little blaggards up for your courses in no time.
Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Dear Principal Cullinane
I as a problem with me son since e attended yer foine establishment. Yer see on me farm garroting chickens is the normal means of killing them. The problem is that me son after e kills the first one e shouts out YAARRRGH YER DIRTY BLAGGARD and all the other chickens run off. I as told im ter shut up b'fore they all run off but e tells me that e was taught by the legendary Black Spot that much shouting an hollering is needed when yer kill the enemy.
Now I as no chickens an it is all yer fault so I be wanting yer to recompense me for the loss of me chickens.
Yours Angrily
Farmer Jones
Dear Principull Cullinane
I's appreciate yer efforts to get the little buggers signed up, but the picture yer put up of me looks like H.P.Lovecraft.
Fer the last day or two, me ship's bin besieged by strange fishy lookin' people shoutin' "Ia! Ia! Shub-Nigurath!" an wearin' Ken Dodd wigs.
I's keep tellin' them that I don't dwell in the stygian blackness, but they keep making comments about the "strange angles" in me ship.
If things don't improve, I'll set midshipman C.Thulu on 'em.
YYYAAARRRRR...The picture o me bear's a strikin resemblance to a young Elton John...might that not be more worryin than a charming young Buccaneer!
The little blighters will be expectin me to sing 'Pin Ball Wizard' and there will be no way they'll let me show em round me cabin!
Basick Distillery Praktiss, Lessun 1
"Good mornin class, Oi be Cap'n Bluenose yer Distillery Master fer this yeer."
Good mornin Cap'n Bluenose
"Before we gets ter th' main part of this lesson Oi fawt it might be a gud idear ter ave a toor o' a real lyve distilleree soze ye can get an idear o wot we are tryin ter archeeve. Please kumb this way."
"Now pleeze be very careful an don't tutch enny fink. That boy at the back in green, wot be yer naime?"
'Orrible 'Arry, Cap'n Sir
"Roight, 'Orrible, did Oi not jess say not ter tutch ennyfin?"
'ess sir
"Wotcha say?"
Oi said 'ess sir
"A bit louder, ye little blaggard"
'ess sir
"Iff Oi 'ave ter come down there ye'll be tasting the cat ye mutinous dog, now, did Oi not tell ye ter leave things alone?"
Yess Sir
"Roight. See that ye do"
"Now, over there be the firebox and jess above that be the pot. On the side ye can see the presha Kontrole nobb. "'Orrible, leave that..."
KAAAAABOOM!!!
...
...
...
...
...
...
tinkle
tinkle
tinkle
crash
bang wallop smash biong
crash
tinkle
tinkle
"Yerr, roight, Oi fink we better be movin right on ter Lesson Fyve Part Fore, Blamin sumwun ells fer exploshuns..."
Allright...who switched the Rum barrels with the Fish Head Stew Barrels?!!!
The dinner ladies are all pissed!
Dear Principal Cullinane,
I've finally finished t'e kuurrykulum for the subject ARGH 109 'Liberating Others of Their Wealth - Introduction to Pirate Accounting', so 'ere it is.
T'e lessons will be dewid made out of two parts, Microeconomy and Macroeconomy:
Microeconomy:
T'is part of t'e subject is aimed for small entireprnre businessmen. T'at means t'at I will teach t'e little buggars our dear students how to liberate in small amounts:
1st lessun: 'ow to take your colleagues lunch money (w'ich will mean t'at in t'e first lesson, I take t'e lunch money of all the present students).
2nd lessun: Pickpocketing I and II
3th lessun: Basic Pirate Accounting - t'is b' t'e issenstial lessun for small businessmen. I will show t'e students basic card tricks, and basic tricks 'ow to take gold from fools who believe your a decent man, 'oo wants to 'elp t'em get rich.
4th lessun: Introduction into Macroeconomy - liberating small villages and small ships of t'eir wealth, the basic rules of small wealth-libeartion.
Macroeconomy:
1st lessun: Macroeconomy I - liberating medium-sized cities and medium-sized ships of t'eir wealth.
2nd lessun: Advanced Pirate Accounting - 'ow to become t'e manager of a rich company/football team/etc. in three steps.
3th lessun: Macroeconomy II - liberating big cities, big ships and small fleets of t'eir wealth.
4th lessun: Introduction into Pirate Politics - Pirate Diplomacy - w'en to draw yer cutlass during diskush talks.
T'is b' it, dear principul. I'm also planning t'e subject 'Pirate Politics' and 'Pirate Diplomacy' for t'e sekund term, so I 'ope t'is will interest you.
Anot'er t'ing I wanted to talk wit' you about is, t'at I still 'aven't been paid for t'is term. I 'ope you will solve t'is problem wit' yer accountant soon.
Yours sincurely Cap'n Kiyoodle the MoneyMaker
Dear Mr Bluenose,
Oi heards you had a slight problem in the distillery room. Can yer please blame someone else, fill out an incident report form.
As the still is covered by insurance, there is a good possibility of wroughting the system reimbursement.
Dear Mr Kiyoodle,
You course ARGH 109 is excellent and will yield me our students lots of money. Course approved!
In keeping wif the alternative photos, I have ascribed you the following staff image to impress the parents.
(http://www.tjc.edu/Theatre/images/scrooge/scrooge.jpg)
Mr Kiyoodle
Koind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
He reminds me of the bloke who came to me Fish Head Stew factory to examine the accounts...I told him me accounts were all at sea... he said: "You can say that again!"
I had the blaggard dropped in the Fish Head processing unit!
T'at must 'ave been me tvin brother Coyoodle the 'onourable. He was never good wit' numbers.
Deer Prinsiple Cullinane,
Cud ye cast ye eye over the attached forme afore Oi send it in ter see iff there be anyfing you fink needs ter be added. Oi 'ave alreddy made a few minor changes.
Cap'n Bluenose
Distillery Master
Ripoff, Skullduggery and Baggards Inc., Insurance Agents
CLAIM FORM
Location of insured item:Portsmouth Pirate Public School, Distillery Room.
Description of insured item:Still
Make and model:A bit of old tat knocked up by stickin togetha bits an bobs from Bustlin Brian's Plumbin Supplies with string, sticky tape an chewin gumStillmaster 3000 Ultra Professional
Value of insured item:2 Cronin 25,000 Dubloons
Describe how loss occurred:Wun o' me students turned up the pressure control valve afore Oi cud stop 'im, the littel blaggard There was an unexplained increase in still pressure that led to katastrofic system failyer puttin me dear students in extreem danger.
Dear Capn Bluenose
Ye has failed to read the small print in clause 493, most probably cos of yer one eye, which reads:
Clause 493: As well as acts of god and nuclear war no payment will be made as a result of damage caused by expurgated little blaggards, especially ones under an ASBO.
Yours Sincerely
Reginald Ripoff CEO
Dear Captain Bluenose,
I suggest you 'up' the insured sum to 50,000 dubloons. A 20,000 dubloon portion shall be forwarded in unmarked bullion to one Mr R. Ripoff.
The remaining 5,000 shall be forwarded account no. 451-346-143 account name 'P.P.P. Teachers Groggin and Wenchin' Account'.
Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Dear Mr Kiyoodle,
It has been noted that theft levels within the school confines has increased enormously, since you have begun teaching ARGH 109 'Liberating Others of their wealth'.
Can you please explain what practical assignments you have issued the students and what locations the students were meant to undertake these assignments.
Can the student who raided 'The Principal's Secret Cabinet' please return the following items:
1. 1 x riding crop;
2. 1 x leather studded mask;
3. 1 x electric cattle prod;
4. 1 x inflatable 'school teacher'
No questions asked!
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Dear principul Cullinane
I be verry sorry to 'ear about the t'efts. Me students 'ave been instrutc instrukted not to liberate t'e teachers of t'eir wealth, but only perform on t'eir fellow skoolmates.
After long enqkvieries (involving a whip, hot wax, cutlasses and Big Brenda) I 'ave found out t'at t'e sekret cabinet had been raid under t'e instruction of some scurvy bastard 'iding under the psoodo name B.B.Art, but nobody 'as seen 'im in person. But I managed to steal get t'e things ye miss from yer cabinet back, wit' t'e eksepshun of item four, "inflatable school teacher" (I be keepin' t'at one). It must 'ave already found a new owner.
T'e items wull be delivered to yer office by tomorrow (I 'ave to do some punishment on me female students first) in a black box, t'at won't let other peoples to identifie t'e inside of it.
Yers sincurely Kiyoodle the Returner
Dear Reginald Ripoff,
Due to unforseen circumstances ie; I am being blackmailed, Oi will only be able to forward 15,000(20,000 minus 5,000) dubloon to your Swiss Bank account.
Please accept these delicious batches of Fishhead Stew made by Mr Bart's home economics students, in lieu of the shortfall.
Koind Regards,
Principal
Deer Prinsipal Cullinane,
Oi 'ave got th' new Stillmaster 3000 Ultra Professional installed an werkin properlie. Wuld ye loike ter join me in a samplin o' the product after class today? Strikly fer kwalitie kontrol, of corse, ye unnerstan...
Bouy th' waye, Oi 'ave got th' new "Portsmouth Rotgut Speshull OP" labels printed loikes we diskussed. The first batch of our new produkt shuld be reddy ter despatch ter the sly grog merchants wunce we deside it's aged enuff. Shuld be a nice littel erner fer the school, plus the statutory skim off the top fer yourself and yours truly...
Cap'n Bluenose
Distillery Master
Dear Principul Culliane
I got yer latest batch o' Rotgut Special last week.
Three of me regulars have gone blind, two be in a coma, an three others had all their teeth fall out. Everyone agrees it be the best ever.
Can yer Distillery Master get a move on wi' the next batch.
Yours
Lefty Biggs
Manager
Sam's Speakeasy
Dear principal Cullinane
Since the beginning of this term, we had a number of complaints from our students at the St. Winifred's Public School for Posh Girls about unacceptable behaviour of your students. This behaviour is a threat for the well-being of our lovely girls.
Here is a list of the complaints we have been getting from our students, parents and our teaching staff:
1. Smell (fish and alcohol) coming from your establishment had out school closed for several days, because it caused nausea, head-aches and unconsciousness.
2. Drunk minors lying in the streets caused a traffic break-down several times and the student's parents couldn't come to pick up their children.
3. Drunk minors molesting girls and teachers, making obscene gestures and using obscene language.
4. A recent explosion at your school had all our windows knocked out and a part of our roof has been blown away.
5. Your students are trying to sell drugs to our students. This drug is called FHS, smells of fish and is very toxic.
6. Several small explosions happened in our school yard several days ago, causing severe injuries.
7. A large amount of thefts has taken place. Our girls have been robbed of their lunch money, teachers of their wages, a large number of jewels have disappeared, all of our horses from the riding school, part of our roof, several windows, one door and much more.
8. A woman has come to our school during break and tried to employ several of the older girls as professional companions.
9. The number of kidnappings of our students for ransom has increased.
This is only a short list of all the complaints. Of course you see that the situation is very serious and this happenings should seize to occure. Therefore I ask you politely to influence the situation or I will be obliged to inform the authorities.
Yours sincerely
Lady Penelope Fotheringhay Hulme
Principal of St Winifred's Public School for Posh Girls
Dear Lady Penelope
Please accept my profound apologies for the recent disturbances. As I am sure you will understand from your experience as a venerable school Principle like what I am, that there are bound to be teething problems with the opening of a new school.
I sincerely hope that, now we have our new still up and running, things will begin to settle down. It should certainly be a quiet week commencing the Easter Holidays, as the third and fourth years are going on a field trip to the Dry Tortugas; I'm sure they're all looking forward to their first voyage on an Aaaargh 9000. By the way we still have some vacancies for ship's wench on the trip, perhaps some of your girls may be interested.
As for your school being approached by talent scouts from 'Madame Fifi's', it's great isn't it!
I hope I have allayed most of your concerns dear Lady and I would love to have the honour of inviting you to lunch at my refectory.
Your Obedient Servant (especially after a good thrashing)
Principle Cullinane
Quote from: The Black Spot on February 21, 2007, 05:38:50 PM
Dear Principul Culliane
I got yer latest batch o' Rotgut Special last week.
Three of me regulars have gone blind, two be in a coma, an three others had all their teeth fall out. Everyone agrees it be the best ever.
Can yer Distillery Master get a move on wi' the next batch.
Yours
Lefty Biggs
Manager
Sam's Speakeasy
Dear Lefty,
Sincere apologies for the last batch. We had some recent problems with still part supplies, which were furnished under our Contract with Bustlin Brian Industries (contract number 'S-U-C-K-E-R-S').
We have since reviewed our still supply contract
on the back of a rather large insurance payout out. As we are now in supply of a Stillmaster 3000 Ultra Professional recent quality issues have bin resolved.
The purchase of a new still will ensure Sam's Speakeasy with quality merchandise.
Looking forward to a long and prosperous future together.
Principal Cullinane
Deer Prinserpal Cullinane
Oi bin werkin on a new product fer our "more demandin" customers an Oi fink Oi 'ave come up wiv a real winner. We get sum nice pretty new labels wiv gold leaf an all on em ,slap em on sum poncy lookin bottles and call it "Captain's Delight" and then we fill the bottles wiv the same ole rubbish as the Portsmouth Rotgut Speshull OP, but then - an this be the brilliant bit - we add a splash o' ratte poison to each bottle, for that added little kick these types be lookin fer! Oi reckon we'll 'ave all then thirsty buccaneers fightin emselves ter get their dirty mitts on this. One swig an they'll be hooked fer life!
Wot dyer fink?
Cap'n Bluenose
Distillery master
Dear Stillmaster Bluenose,
Your marketing plan is most ingenious. We'll make Captains Delight the new drink of the summer.
Oi suggests we start an advertising campaign at a major sporting event. With the Formula 1-ARR tallship grand prix coming to Portsmouth, there is ample opportunity for us to flog our new wares.
Can you get your students to undertake a marketing assignment entitled 'How to flog Captains Delight to the unsuspecting public'?
Koind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
YYAARRR I was just deliverin me lunch time freshly prepared batch o Fishe Heade Stewe, when I was comandeered to be a supply teacher fer the arternoon!
Look arter the Hinglish Class they said...today they be learnin hadvanced pronounciation:
Repeat arter me:
The Grog and the Porter
Don't taste loik what it Autah...
Deer Prinserpal Cullinanry
Oi jest got bak from me werk plaicement wiv Scumsoft. They tyed me up in ther stock cubboard. Oi av towld the stewdants onion abowt this. We be gettin a pertition ter ban Scumsoft werk plaicements.
Yours
Dikc.H
Skool-perfect
Sixf fawm
Hexellent work Dick...yer pronunciation be comin along foine...a gold star in the excersise book fer ye me laddy.
Ye be well on yer way to bein a 'Cabin Boy Second class!'
Dear Prinserpell Cullinaine,
Oi took yer advice and put it ter the senior boys ter kum up wiv an edvertisin kampaigne. Yung Sneaky Pete pointed out that we would make much more munney if we were to run ow own sportin event, since then we get ter keep the proceeds. Oi 'ave taken the libertie o' placin an advertisermentiment in the Portsmouth Aaaarrrrgggghhhhuuuussss. Oi rekon we shuld kleen up wiv this new lurk...
Your drunken servent
Distillery Master Bluenose
Deer Prinsipal Cullinaine,
As you know, the Stillmaster 3000 Ultra Professional wot we installed revcently has been a big success. Since we switched produkshun over ter Captain's Delight Oi 'ave 'ad me slaves scurvey swabs students werkin roun' th' clock ter keep up wiv demand. We now be runnin at full capacity an' Oi fink it wuld be a wise investerment ter perchaise a bigger still to meet future demand. Oi bin lookin at the katalogs an' Oi reckon the Stillmaster 9000 Mega Super-Still be the wun we shuld get. Also, Oi rekomend we install a 100,000 litre underground tank ter store the ratte poison which Oi 'ave managed ter get a bulk account fer from the manufacturer Pirsanto. Wunce we got the tank installed, Pirsanto can deliver using old petrol tankers which shuld enable us ter keep up wiv demand and also get the best price.
Finally, Oi ave asked the artificer on me ship if 'e culd have a look at konstructin a glass werkes in the old disused stables at the back o' th' skool. "E reckons it culd be up an runnin in about 3 weeks an' Oi 'ave given 'im th' OK. This shuld cut the cost of our bottles by about two thirds, which will raise our profit margin to about 99.87%.
Oi 'ope these new initiatives be meetin wiv yer approval. the students be gettin a roight porper groundin in the Pirate Way o' Doin' Business and Oi reckon they'll be out ther pillagin wiv the best o' them wunce they graduate.
Distillery Master Bluenose
Dear Stillmaster,
We are curently experiencin'a few spatial constraints wif our dungeon still facility. Oi would ask yer to raise some extra funds, so we can build a whopping great warehouse, capable of holdin yer Stillmaster 9000 Mega Super-Still.
Get the little blaggards, still students out on the town to promote 'Captain's Delight' at every opportunity. I will send Mr Kiyoodle to assist you with the marketing campaign.
To accommodate the new facility, we may 'aves to steal, embezzle, accqusition some land from St Winifred's Ladies School. Oi will be makin' some enquries wif St Winnie's as to how we can pinch obtain their land.
Yours Sincerely,
Principal Cullinane
Meanwhile in the Junior Pirate Class, Black Bart is coming to the end of his weekly 'Tales of the High Seas' Story...
...so I used the magic peg leg to turn the cow back into a lovely water nymph. She was so pleased she promised to show me the way to the treasure and guide me and me crew to safety accross the sea of a thousand terrors. "Hoist the main sail", said I "Set sail for fame and fortune, I'll be in me cabin showin the Water Nymph me collection of rare Saskatchewan animal pelts. The end.
Next week kids: Twill be another tale of daring doings on the briny...Capn Cronan's Holiday!
Dear principalle Cullinane.
While I wos involved in t'e marketign champagne campain for the skool's favourite product, the Rat Poison Captain's Delight, I got me 'ands had the opportunity to see the accounting for the product.
As a thieving bastard which I am a professional on t'at feeld, I couldn't not notice that there was sumfing wrong with the numbers. It seems t'at t'ere is no money comin' from it.
Of curse, I am willin' to keep silent about it, as long as I find a little envelope (say, 30% of t'e income woold be enuff) on me desk tomorrow mornin' (and you could also pay for a visit at Mme Fifi's, my year's entrance pass has just ran out).
Yours suncerely
Kiyoodle the Liberator Forgetful
Dear Principle Cullinane,
Oi were jest walking past th' Distillery Office this mornin' when Oi saw Mr Kiyoodle lookin threw th' official record books fer th' Distillery wot we 'ave prepared for the Inland Revenue. Oi saw an evil smile appear on 'is face an Oi fink 'e realises we be pullin a fast wun an' may be goin ter trie an' hit us fer s "cut o' the ackshun". Oi ave taken th' liberti o' preparing a new set o' "private books" (enklosed) wot ye ken show 'im which will convince 'im that we are only makin' 15% on the turnover. Oi will keep the real books, which as we discussed earlier show we be making 99.98% on turnover, in our sekret hiding place.
Oi 'ave deposited the latest payment of your share o' the profittes in yer agreed numbered account.
Distillery Master Bluenose
Quote from: Kiyoodle the Gambrinous on March 23, 2007, 11:29:15 PM
Dear principalle Cullinane.
While I wos involved in t'e marketign champagne campain for the skool's favourite product, the Rat Poison Captain's Delight, I got me 'ands had the opportunity to see the accounting for the product.
As a thieving bastard which I am a professional on t'at feeld, I couldn't not notice that there was sumfing wrong with the numbers. It seems t'at t'ere is no money comin' from it.
Of curse, I am willin' to keep silent about it, as long as I find a little envelope (say, 30% of t'e income woold be enuff) on me desk tomorrow mornin' (and you could also pay for a visit at Mme Fifi's, my year's entrance pass has just ran out).
Yours suncerely
Kiyoodle the Liberator Forgetful
Dear Mr Kiyoddle,
You swindlin' blighter Your resourcefulness is indeed an asset to our school. Even if it means liberatin' the school of it's assets. Please find attached one unmarked envelope.
Madame Fifi will be around in person to validate your ongoing arrangements.
Koind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Meanwhile in the soundly dozing junior pirates class...Black Bart is still dredgin out his Tales o the High Seas...
¡Ayuda de la ayuda que mi barco se está hundiendo! The hapless Spanish Skipper wrung his hands in dispair, it was the fourth ship he'd lost at sea that year...he hated it when Cap'n Cronan came to Spain on holiday. Cronan stepped off the sinking vessel and headed for the local bar :El rabiar Torro. Cronan was well known by the locals who referred to him as 'él que bebe como un pescado'...
(to be continued)
Dear Principal Cullinane,
Oi bin ahearin that sum o' the facultie bin provided with certain arrangerments at Madam Fifi's. Now my Gold Pass is about to expire an' it occurred to me that it be only fair that PPPS pay for the next year's subscriptshuns. Please forward a cheque for the amount o' 250 Dubloons to Madam Fifi's Accounts Department. Please be quick as Oi 'as an appointment wiv Francine the Flagellator on Tuesday.
Distillery Master Bluenose
To: Principal Culliane
From: Madame Fifi
Hello Big Boy,
Thank you ever so much for the brown envelope. Please find enclosed a copy of my receipt marked "important school equipment - tax deductable". Come down tonight as usual and I'll give you a few passes to distribute among your staff.
Please inform Mr Bluenose that Francine has bought a new cheesegrater and a wire brush specially for Tuesday night.
Yours,
Fifi
Meanwhile special guest supply teacher E Razer is standing in as History teacher for class 2 C (the how to use 2 cutlasses at once class)...
Chow bambinos...anyway, I will be tellin you about the terrible matyrdom of the Grated Nuns of Dresden...
The year was 1465 and impossible numbers of dead swans arrived in the city of Dresden...comin in at a angle of 4.2 degrees with a speed of 93 kilometres...
Dear Mr Eraser,
Thankyou for considering a position with us in our English teaching department. Your application is now being considered, as soon as we can decipher what the hell you were talking about.
However your current abilities are unlikely to comply with our curriculam.
The position for cryptic speech teacher is still open. There are many scenarios where our young pirates will require the use of obscure speech eg being captured by the Royal Navy.
We hope you will reconsider your application as there is no way you will be considered for real English teaching.
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Dear Cullinane
Me frend E.Raser wer applyin fer History, not Englich. Ye can tell that from is first greate lessun wer e sais Great Nuns o Dresden, fer as ye no Good Gramma wuld dictayte Great Nones o Dresden.
It be owt o caracter fer ye te be so rude. An Oi be serprised at yer.
Oi belief e culd old down Crytpic Speak an Vecter Analysis.
Oi beg ye ter aperelgise to im.
Yours sharply
Ther Comrade in Cheef
TPP (Teecher Protection Racket)
To: Madame Fifi
From: Principal Cullinane
Dear Schmoopsy Poo,
Can I be your Daddy later? The dogs collar and blindfold were great last time. Woof Woof!!
Can I make the followin' suggestions?
1) Oi suggest we not use my office in future, as I was in the middle of writing the mid-term reports. The ink got a bit smudged from the flurry of activity;
2) Can yer not drop by during teaching hours? Little Polly Granger keeps askin why the 'cleanin lady' is carryin' a riding crop and wearing spurs.
3) Can yer please wait until Oi've finished me staff meetings before yer enter the room. The staff members got awfully concerned yewd catch a cold in that French maids outfit.
Other than than, carry on wif yer duties! O'ill see yer soon schnookums!
Koind Regards,
Principal 'Woof Woof, Yes Mistress' Cullinane
and today children we have special guest history teacher Taichi...
Taichi: OK children, now pay attention, I am here to answer your questions on the real history of piracy. I have expert knowledge of piracy from the Barbary coast to <SPLAT>
a large tomato hits Taichi square on the nose...
Taichi (wiping tomato from his chops): Who threw that...you will not learn anything with behaviour like that...now then, where was I, Oh yes, the Barbary pirates favoured galleys and originally operated out of Tunis, Tripoli, Algiers and <Thud - OUCH!>
a wooden scale model of a canon ball hits Taichi square ...on the forehead...
Taichi: Disgraceful, what sort of school is this...don't you know anything about discipline, er...where did you get that Cat O Nine Tails Hawkins...Belcher, put that brace o pistols down at once...Fletcher drop that cutlass at once the Barbary pirates never used the cutlass as a ... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!!!!!
Cullinane
Me child tells me the teethcers are attakkin the poopils at yer skool. Oi will be sendin me child elsewear next term.
Disgruntled Parent
Dear Parent,
We are indeed most fortunate to haves TaiChi in our midst. He is a 'doyen of knowledge', 'an oracle of piracy' and 'a lexicon of arghhh'.
Unfortunately a few of the children got confused with the terms 'orifice' and 'oracle'.
Mr TaiChi will return to class followin' the removal of a few objects, includin' a full bottle of Captain's Delight.
Koind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Meanwhile, in the secluded and peacefull but smoke filled atmosphere of the Portsmouth Pirate Public School's Staff Room, the teachers discuss their days work:
YYYAAARRRRRR Ye Blaggard gimme that bottle o capn's delight or I'll ave yer gizzards...
Take that yer swab, tis my turn with the whirlpool footbath!
Ave at ye yer landlubber, call yerself a teacher, I'll give ye a lesson ye'll never forget!
GGGGAARRR, I'll release the garrot when ye give me back me jar o Nescafe!
<Two Pistol balls smash into the ceiling>
Which one o ye Scurvy Swabs stole me Guardian?
(...and so on and so forth).
Cullinane
Ferver ter yer letter o terday inst. Oi av hinspected me child's oracle an Oi am nun too appy. Oi insists ye take apropriayete acschiun immediayteley els Oi be reportin PPPS ter ther skool inspecters oo will no dowt inspect all yer oracles.
Yours
Disgruntled Parent
Dear Mr Smarty Pants, TaiChi,
We are happy to see that you are still breathing, feeling much better following your mauling at the hands of our students, following your occupational mishap. I hope your butt is better
injuries have healed and the Captain's Delight was removed, you have undergone a full recovery.
We trust that you will not sue us, understand the lively nature of our feisty little buggers students. For they mean great, no harm.
We look forward to further incidents for our amusement, having you back in the class real soon, for more punishment.
Yours I'm still laughing
Principal Cullinane
They put the bottle where?
Good Mornin Children, AAARRRR and today's guest history teacher is none other than...Calico Jack.
Calico Jack will be taken ye through the fascinatin history of...'Pirate Wigs through the ages!'
Dear Principal Cullinane
I am writing to congratulate you on the fitness levels of your teachers, and the rigorous level of physical exercise at your establishment.
Young Jason came home this evening quite exhausted. He said he had pulled the wig off Mr Calico Jack's head, and that he had been chased for 26 miles until he was forced to give it back.
Yours,
A Happy Parent
Dear Staff,
I am becoming increasingly disturbed at the unruly behaviour during assembly. Mr Bluenose can you please ensure that the children do not gain access to the still room before 12:00 noon? Their rowdy singing was drowning out the PA system.
Capn Treadmill Kane (Counsellor), can you please step up yer efforts in rehabilitating the students who have been partaking in eating Bart Industries produce.
The effects are becoming rather notable, such as distended bellies, yellow finger nails, red eyes and thinning hair. Our school does not wish to become associated 'Bart-o-rexia Pirosa'.
Can we please just stick to standard malnourishment diseases, such as scurvy for now?
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Dear Prince Pal
Oi bin tyrin me best but the cownseelllin room be full ter the roofe wiv vermit. (an vomitin vermin too).
Ther pairunts be demandin waders fer theyre brats the stewdents (that stew sure meks dents) but Oi bin refusin ter let em ware rubbers in case it effects ther moinds.
Youwers
Cap'n Treadmill-Kane
Deer Prinshepal Cull'n'n'n'n'n...,
Oi kin ashoor yoo that Oi neva let the rotten litlle varmints deer stud'nts near th' shtill till well into the sec'nd dog watch. Th' pr'blem be the parents wot 'ave been sendin their little blighters dear children to skool wiv a bottle of Cap'n's D'lite in there lunch boxes. Oi even caught little Johnny Howard the other day with a hole case ov it. Seems our marketing strategy of selling th' stuffe as a health tonic 'as been a bit two sukksessfulle. Oi 'ave taken ter hinspecktering all students bags and lunch boxes at the skool gate an' konfiskatin any unorferized substances. O' corse Oi 'ave ter test the contents ter enshoor that it is wot it sez on the lable, no tellin wot sum o these littel buggers er darlings can come up with. This seems ter be werkin ter sum eckstent, but there is still a problem with the boarders. They seem ter 'ave found a way inter the still room after dark an Oi jess kant find out where. Th' door be heavily bolted and locked wiv one o' Bustlin Brian's best padlocks. Oi jest kant werke it owt.
Stillmaster Bluenose
Dear Principal Cullinane
As ye know, I be the landlord o' the Admiral Benbow an' I runs a tradishnal istab esstab pub.
Can ye keep yer little monsters out o' me boozer. They gets in the way o' the punchups, an they can't 'old their drink as they be sick after a couple o' gallons each.
Can't ye keep the little bleeders at skool? Everything were fine till ye stopped 'em drinking there.
Marvellous.
Tom Dillon
Landlord, The Admiral Benbow
Dear Mr Dillon (not very marvellous)
Thankyou for bringing this matter to our attention. You will shortly be receiving a bill for:
a. Dislodging said pupils from greesy old carpet (their shoes are still stuck fast to the grime!).
b. Medical expenses for emergency stomach pumping after said pupils had consumed pies and sandwiches from your establishment.
c. Funeral expenses for one fatality caused by the gasseous emissions of a member of your staff a Mr Arseburn O'Leary!
I trust this will be an end to the matter.
Yours Sincerely
Principal Cullinane OPE
Principal Cullinane,
I's just got yer letter, an I ain't best pleased.
I objects to yer complainin' that yer kids got their feet stuck to me carpet. As I've bin sayin' fer years now, the refurbishment starts next week.
As a peace offerin', I's sent over a platter o' me special mush an gristle sandwiches.
Yours
Tom Dillon
Your genial host,
The Admiral Benbow
Dear Principal Cullinane,
We are lead to believe that there is an impersonator pretending to be you.
Can you please send forth your most personal details, including birthmarks, name of your first pet, name of your first girlfriend and your current dietary requirements, so we can catch the blighter.
Do you like fishhead stew? The Principal we spoke to yesterday appears to eat the stuff by the bucket load.
Yours in law enforcement,
Constable 'Saucy Vegetable Lover' Bill Timmins
Dear Constable Timmins
I be replyin' to yer letter to Prinippell Wossisname. I discovered it by accident when I was rifling through 'is safe.
Ye be correct - the principple be actin' odd lately. Just yesterday, 'ee were talkin' in a welsh accent an' were wearin' a rather spiffy lookin' eyepatch.
Let me know if there's a reward fer 'im, and I'll bang 'im on the 'ead for yers.
Master Spot.
VIGILANTE PERMIT
Applicant: Mr Black Spot and Associates
Status: Approved/Rejected
Subject: The imposter impersonatin' Principal Bill Cullinane, hence forthwith known as B.B.
Terms of reference: Portsmouth Constabulary hereby issues to the applicant with full powers of arrest. In addition, the applicant shall be issued with the powers of forceful confession including amputation, garoting and 'Dark Avengering'.
Fee: 20 Dubloon, refundable on sucessful completion of the task.
Signed B.Timmins
Dear Timmins Sir
Culd we av annuver 6 permits fer the BB killin arrest. We are under-staffed an kneed ter put mooore men on ther case.
Fanks
Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Grass
Black Spot Associates
Dear Constable Timmins
One o' me associates, Angus, got all excited when 'ee saw the legal murderin vigilante permit, an' fashioned 'imself a weapon by weldin' a 12 pound cannon ball to the end o' a long bit o' chain.
Yersterday mornin' 'ee came in shoutin' "I got him! I got him!" an' pointed to a figure lying in the school driveway.
Angus 'ad made quite a mess, an' it were hard to make out 'oo 'eed done in.
Please examine the contents o' the attached tea chest. Angus swears that it be BB, but whatever's in the chest seems to be wearin' a postman's uniform. It also seems to 'ave two legs an' two 'ands. It's hard to be sure though.
I expect yer cheque soonest.
TBS
Dear Postman Pat Constable Tim
Oi think ther may be anovver imposter. Av yer got a letter from somwun signin themselv TBS?
If it refers ter Angus yer want ter tak care. Angus be a well knowne Steak House and it be a warnin ter yer that ye will mek good meat.
As yer will notisse Oi be not afeard to sign me real name lik sum ovver folk.
Yours
Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Grass
Associate of The Black Spot
ps. wy arnt ther constabuls mor feierce on ther causes of imposters?
Portsmouth Pirate Public School Proudly unveil the newly commissioned portrait of the honourable Principal Cullinane:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/bart_patch.jpg)
Dear Constable Timmins
Things 'ave bin a bit difficult 'ere recently. It turns out that Angus 'asn't got a clue what BB looks like. Just this mornin' I found a mound o' thick red paste in the flowerbeds. Turned out it were the milkman.
Now I sees we 'ave a picture o' the bugger. I've passed it on to Angus, 'oo now 'as a proper target for 'is ball an chain.
Yours
Master Spot
Special Appointed Vigilante
YArrrr...
Principal Cullinane don't look anything loike that there blokie. Oi thinks it be the imposter. O'id be calling Constable Timmins real quick!!
Here be the most recent portrait of Principal Cullinane. O'id say the resemblance is somewhat disimilarrrrr...
(http://www.politicaldogs.org/blogphotos/santa-claus.jpg)
Whoever that bloke be lookin fer is ships, somwun shuld tell im
LOOK BE-IND YE !
Look behind me...GAAARRRRR, the age old problem with sailors! Who in the name of Neptune's Pointy Bits is that bloke with the white beard?
Is Principle C actually Father Christmas come to take a dreadaful revenge on us all?
Nah, it's me Mum.
She's a bit miffed Oi killed her pet crocodile fer a peg cover.
AAARRRRRRR...tis not long til the School Holidays...I pitty the denisons of Portsmouth when we allow this lot onto the streets!
Surely they will all be doing work experience?
Dear Pustules, Pupils,
The school holidays be not long enuff, fast approachin'. To help facilitate my debauchery, a smooth transition, I hereby declare that the distillery room will be in my possession, out of bounds for the next two weeks. Mr Bluenose will be makin' some shithot moonshine, undertakin' research for a new product.
In addition, access to the stolen property room shall by limited to Mr Kiyoodle only, who will divvy up the loot, return the the stolen property to the rightful victims, owners.
We trust that you, stay out of prison, enjoy your break. Oi be expectin yers to enjoy yerselves, coz youse are in for a floggin when yers get back.
Best Wishes,
Principal Bill pack yer bags Fifi, we're off to Ibiza Cullinane
Dear Stillmaster Bluenose,
Can you please provide me with a large crate of your latest contraband school holiday product developments. There is a large crate of moonshine with my name on it a need to me to review the testing standards of our humble facility.
My dirty weekend research into reproductive methods with Mdme Fifi in the foreign markets was a great success. We can look forward to more rollickin fun in the sun people drinkin' Captains Delight in the near future.
Your request for additional distillers has been approved for producing my contraband.
Looking forward to the term ahead.
Kind Regards
Principal Can I be a dog Fifi? Cullinane
Deer Principal Cullinnannananne,
Yer request be very timely. We 'ave jest finished off a special limited run (o' about 30,000 crates) of our new Captain's Delight XO. Th' XO stands fer xtra orrible, but don't tell the punters - we jest add an extra slosh o rat poison, err sekret ingredient 27. Our market research indicaits that this will be a winner coz we have made an poncy new bottle wiv even more gold writin on it and 'ave set the price at three times the price o' regular Captain's Delight. Our marketing genius - young Simon Headbeater in year 12 - reckons all we 'ave ter do is bring out a new version every few months and make it even more expensive than the last and the punters will keep yellin fer more.
BTW, can yer ask Madam Fifi ter sen Francine over when she gets back, the wealts from me last session be nearly healed now and Oi'm feeling loike a nuver session.
Cap'n Bluenose, Stillmaster
Yarr ! ye bastids stoodints , dare has bin mayhem on the school grounds ! All kines a pilliging an sech ! I be roite prowd o' ye lot upset abowt it .
As a reward punushmint me fione promissing pirates the gilltee pardys be receiving a field trip ta the Benbow and Mada.... a stern lecturing .
Kep up yer foine Desist immeadiatly !
Perfesser Dowsie . Raiding 101 .
Attention ! Faculty
Yarr ! Me mateys , as I wuz aboot to tie doan me ship dis morn , a mob of scurvy , lice ridden yung liddle maggots 2nd graders dun stole me skiff wiff me woife onnet !
Iffen eny ove yas sees dem , ye shud giv em a meddle detenshun widdowt dare bodkins .
En day bedder not bin makin a mess ove me skiff !
Thank ye , Will
Dear Will,
yer ugly wive 'as been found, drunk near the Admiral Benbow last noight. She wos unharmed.
The skiff has been sold unfortunately was not found. The wive will be brought to ye, as soon as she pays her bill to the Admiral possible.
Yers sunceerely
Kiyoodle the Skiff-seller Trustworfy
Principal Cullhane ,
Wilst loadin up da lass ub ARR supplys at da dock a buncha yer most promising bilge rats stoodints ingaged Arr crew wiff sum copees ub Playbilge Sail and Rope .
As we were drooling marvellin at some big knocke knots da clever dasturdy lot dun cleant us owt !
Brang a tear ta me eye Uh be owtraged ! day desoives it fer bin so clever I deman all our goods be retoined !
Impressed Disgussit , Mad Will
Mr. Bonney,
In response to your recent claim of loss, we regret to inform you that we are unable to pay out the claim on the subject of your policy; she was widely know in Portsmouth for having a bad crack and a nasty hole, and was reckoned by most to likely be leaving you in the near future. Therefore, we will not compensate you for the loss of your boat.
We do, however, give our warmest congratulations in regards to the recovery of your wife, and would be interested in discussing with you in the future our extortionate very reasonable rates for life insurance.
Regards,
John Formicloaca,
Accounts Manager
Portsmouth Insurance Bureau
Dear Mr Formicloaca
For a price, we can tell you where to find Mr Bonney's skiff. We know he has been trying to make false insurance claims and although unsuccessful so far would like to offer you the chance to avoid it going to court.
Secret Seven
Rear of the Bike Sheds
Portsmouth Pirate Public Skkkool
(me mum rote this for me an she sed she will rite agin if kneeded)
Dear Principle Culinane
I has been away on...er...business and ave returned on the evenin tide. I am shocked and orrified to see wots been a goin on in this school in my absess. What are these kids up to...gettin their mums to write threatenin letters...aven't they got up to:
"Advanced Threatenin Letters and Randsom Notes" yet?
and also why as they turned the Stables into a Bike shed?
Dear Bart,
As we've bin sportin a few financial problems of late ie Fines with the Portsmouth Taxation Dept, Drugs Alcohol Department and Portsmouth Child Welfare Agency, we have decided to extend our fine educashional facility to doin night school for adults.
This involves takin in lots of full fee payin rich people, that think they can become pirates shelling out lots of money. Advanced Threatenin Letters and Randsom Notes will be on the adult kerrickulum.
We will need to develop our adult programme and I will be needin all yer expertise to come up wif a subject list. We will also need you to werke a few hours extra at night, to pay off the fines. Hope you wern't planning any holidays gang.
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Dear Principal Culleverythin
Oi be a dab and wiv fund-raisin so as ter avoyd werkin extrer shifts at yer rotten skool Oi be off rownd ther world now ter see if Oi ken gets ye owt o yer finanshiall diffikulty.
If yer teechers av any speshiall reqwests fer me ter visit persuns oo may av masses o tressure wot be appy ter be releeved awf it, tell em ter send me one of em new-fangled C-males thingys. Me addi be Treadmill@sea-farin.yaaarghooey.
Best ever
Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Nicksum
Principle Cullhanane ,
Several of your students were seen tripping up my patrons as they left the Druncken Skunk and then stripping them of all possessions and running off !
This is an outrage ! I expect they will be back promptly with my customary percentage .
Yers Trooley , Lefty
Princ'ple Culinane,
Oi be writin' ter see if'n ya have any teachin' puz pozish jobs op'n at this toime, what wi' th' new night-curric'lum an' all. I be well-versed in th' arts o' disgoise, skulldudgery, an' knife-throwin'.
Oi'd lookt inter possible teachin' options at St. Winnie's, 'cross th' way, but Oi've sinse lerned they ain't teachin' them girls proper. Th' 'eadmistress 'ad th' gall to call me a "lady pirate." Oi tol' 'er to 'er face, that's a blatant conterdiction. Pirate Oi be, female Oi be, and Oi may on occasion present meself as a gennelman, but "lady" an' "pirate" 'ave no business in th' same sentence, an' shame on 'er fer not teachin' them lasses th' roight terminolergy.
Yrs. etc,
Mag "Jack" Dawes
Cap'n o' th' Virtue
Dear Ms Dawes,
Oi've bin picking me nose while reading your CV. It is most mostly rubbish impressive and me secretary will be contacting yer shortly, as soon as she's finished massaging me back.
We be needing a good knife throwin teacher on campus. The last one met wif an unfortunate accident a few OH&S issues after he reportedMr Kiyoodle's students were stealing his equipment some issues with knife supplies.
We look forward to workin long and hard hours wif yer.
Koind Regards,
Prinicipal Cullinane
Dear Principal Cullinane,
Oi was wonderin' if'n ye had a need fer a teacher whut cud learn the little bar-stewards darlin's ahll about bein' big, grey an' sneaky.
Oi 'as some qauli qwalli hexperience in the field. Oi allso 'as a right good whatdeyecallit, doohickey. Doobiefirkin. Oi is good at 'membrin' fings. Heh, not to bad at dismembrin' fings, neivver.
So, if'n ye could see yer way ter admittin' me ter the academical staff, would get Mrs Cap'n P off me back about loafin' round the house, suppin' all the grog.
Cap'n P
ARRRRR ye could tell the little blaggards the highly moral tale of the Elephant and the Lion...no hang on, that's the Lion and the mouse...Oh sorry ye don't loik Mouses does ye! ;)
Not me favourite beastie, no. But Oi ain't met one yet as can stand up ter cannonfire. Sunk a lot o' me own ships, though.
Quote from: Pachyderm on August 06, 2007, 11:23:47 PM
But Oi ain't met one yet as can stand up ter cannonfire. Sunk a lot o' me own ships, though.
That's what Oi loiks ter call "professiernal development."
Avast Principle Cullhane ,
I wuz doan at de beech arr!y dis morn lookin ta nic a skiff arr dingy enjoyin de salt arr an spray .
Twas at dis junker in toime dat I spyed yer fewcheer tree arr!namints poopulls .
I set meself behine sum roks ta see whut I mite lurn whut day be up ta .
Whut at foist wuz mebbe a duzzen odor wuns becum haff ye junior scoolers basides admirrin a bunch a boats narr wadders edge .
Iffen de dint tek da wun uh wantit bess ove da bunch an rowd owt ta dat visitin French shup . Day be bak widden de our wid a normus chess .
Apon kracken her opin day dun made sech a fuss wid cheerin en sech day woke up consabull Timmim over at Fifi's , wot shauna lite onnem . Well the lucky bastids yung uns loaded up quik silver wid dere booty even as i ran at em , triyen ta scArr dem off my goodz da stolen booty !
Uh finely reeched da chess an all dare wuz leff wuz a buncha pink clodes , garden tools , exercize quipmint en a pile ove copper coins .
I leff the exersize stuff behine and wint ta Madame Chantal retoine de goods.
I muss ask ye , " WOT BE YE TEECHIN DEM KIDS !" , I got plasteredmugged wiff all da goods , soze wot day leff behine wuz valabull . I ope day doo bedder necks toime .
Dear Cullinary
Oi be sergestin ye open a new clarsse in yer skool fer elokutiun. Sum o the poopils culd do wiv lernin ow ter speek proper. Oi be thinkin a three 'our slot wunce a weak and yer culd call it ther three arrrrghs clarsse.
Yours
Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Pidgin
Pirate Intigratiun Board
Quote from: Pachyderm on August 06, 2007, 02:20:10 PM
Dear Principal Cullinane,
Oi was wonderin' if'n ye had a need fer a teacher whut cud learn the little bar-stewards darlin's ahll about bein' big, grey an' sneaky.
Oi 'as some qauli qwalli hexperience in the field. Oi allso 'as a right good whatdeyecallit, doohickey. Doobiefirkin. Oi is good at 'membrin' fings. Heh, not to bad at dismembrin' fings, neivver.
So, if'n ye could see yer way ter admittin' me ter the academical staff, would get Mrs Cap'n P off me back about loafin' round the house, suppin' all the grog.
Cap'n P
Dear Capn P,
The art of bein
a bastard big grey and sneaky is a fine one indeed. Especially if you've got a good sized doohickey. It's sumthin to be proud of.
So on that note alone, your hired.
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Quote from: Bruder Cuzzen on August 09, 2007, 09:50:35 PM
Avast Principle Cullhane ,
I wuz doan at de beech arr!y dis morn lookin ta nic a skiff arr dingy enjoyin de salt arr an spray .
Twas at dis junker in toime dat I spyed yer fewcheer tree arr!namints poopulls .
I set meself behine sum roks ta see whut I mite lurn whut day be up ta .
Whut at foist wuz mebbe a duzzen odor wuns becum haff ye junior scoolers basides admirrin a bunch a boats narr wadders edge .
Iffen de dint tek da wun uh wantit bess ove da bunch an rowd owt ta dat visitin French shup . Day be bak widden de our wid a normus chess .
Apon kracken her opin day dun made sech a fuss wid cheerin en sech day woke up consabull Timmim over at Fifi's , wot shauna lite onnem . Well the lucky bastids yung uns loaded up quik silver wid dere booty even as i ran at em , triyen ta scArr dem off my goodz da stolen booty !
Uh finely reeched da chess an all dare wuz leff wuz a buncha pink clodes , garden tools , exercize quipmint en a pile ove copper coins .
I leff the exersize stuff behine and wint ta Madame Chantal retoine de goods.
I muss ask ye , " WOT BE YE TEECHIN DEM KIDS !" , I got plasteredmugged wiff all da goods , soze wot day leff behine wuz valabull . I ope day doo bedder necks toime .
Dear Anonymous,
My students learn valuable
criminal activity life lessons, that will make 'em the finest
lechering varmints, maritime students
in their housing estates, on the entire 7 seas.
You may return the stolen items to me, particularly the pink dress
as it's my night out tonight as it's my wife's, and she's misssing it awfully.
No questions asked I will reward you with some of the still masters finest for your trouble.
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Quote from: Griffin NoName The Watson of Sherlock on August 12, 2007, 12:34:07 PM
Dear Cullinary
Oi be sergestin ye open a new clarsse in yer skool fer elokutiun. Sum o the poopils culd do wiv lernin ow ter speek proper. Oi be thinkin a three 'our slot wunce a weak and yer culd call it ther three arrrrghs clarsse.
Yours
Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Pidgin
Pirate Intigratiun Board
Dear Lord T.
I'm afraid that spellin stuff isn't included. Wif all these bloomin spell checkers on Windows Portholes these days, the little blaggards are forgettin their proper spellin.
If that Admiral Gates ever stops by this school I'll be making sure,
he makes a big fat donation to our school coffers, he gets are right ear bashing of me
illiterate dedicated staff.
I will see that your plan is implemented at once,
once I sober up.
Kind Regards
Principal C.
Princepull Culinane ,
Me 8 yeer ole dun tole me he learnt ta steal a skiff , use it ta raid a shup den split up the goods on shor!
WHUT IS DIS OWTRAGE!!
Everybody node ye tek it ta a secrit place foist... ye try ta nic a coin or too wen ye mates not be lookin ....den ye rig up the skiff as ye own !
I spect ta see da gilltee teecher on the plank and sum provemint in yer teechin tekneeks .
Sinsurly , Mad Will
Deer prinshipple Culinane,
Oi've 'eard romour rumrouse t'at a protest is planned in front of our isteblashment eestabusm school on Friday.
Should we attack t'e protestors?
Yours sinsherely
Little Max, the Class Prosidant President
Deer snotty nosed little toad Max,
The planned protests seems like an ekscellint exslont good opportunity fer the little blighters students to gain some praktikal experience in the skills acquired in Repelling Boarders 101. Pleeze make shoor the rotten little varnints students are issued with sharpened cutlasses and live ammunition from the armory. You might also arx the Still Master iffen 'e kin help you out makin Molotov cocktails.
Regards,
Chief Blaggard Prinsiple Cullinane
Dear Principal Culinane
Due to recent investigations of the Portsmouth Police Department interest of the public in the financial activities of our school, especially my little stock market frauds our Wealth Liberating class, I have to flee to the Bahamas take a little vacation at my summer residence, as I'm overworked spending night after night destroying evidence.
I will be back when things calm down when I feel better.
I hope you find someone to blame it on a decent replacement for the upcoming weeks.
Yours sincerely
Kiyoodle the Double-Crosser Tired
Dear Mr Bluenose,
Given your extensive knowledge in getting a whipping off Francine whip cracking, I have decided to appoint you as coordinator for our new course entitled:
'Advanced Bosun'ry 305- The Art of Giving A Good Flogging'
Congratulations on your ill gotten, new appointment. You are free to utilise the talents of Francine 'external demonstrators' as you choose.
We look forward to you sharing your skills with the students. Can you please ensure that you desist from being the subject of any praktical demunstrashuns?
We will rustle up some naughty students in your place.
Kind Regards,
Principal Bill 'Cat O Nine Tails' Cullinane
Deare Prinserpell Cull'n'n,
Oi be grately 'onored by yer recognishun of me hexperteeze in these matters. Oi 'ave already started on a coarse plan two inshore propper hinstructshun of the stoodents.
Oi assume that this means Oi will this toime be abel ter claim the cost o' me Madam Fifi's Gold Pass against the School's hexpense account.
Your Umble and Obedient Servernt
Cap'n Bluenose
Stillmaster, Master of Discipline
Quote from: Kiyoodle the Gambrinous on August 27, 2007, 10:12:20 PM
Dear Principal Culinane
Due to recent investigations of the Portsmouth Police Department interest of the public in the financial activities of our school, especially my little stock market frauds our Wealth Liberating class, I have to flee to the Bahamas take a little vacation at my summer residence, as I'm overworked spending night after night destroying evidence.
I will be back when things calm down when I feel better.
I hope you find someone to blame it on a decent replacement for the upcoming weeks.
Yours sincerely
Kiyoodle the Double-Crosser Tired
Dear Mr Kiyoodle,
Have ye heard of Camosun College? Would yer like a job there? I can arrange it for ye at once.
Say hi to me 'Taxation Manager' Winston, when yer in the Bahamas. Tell im Oi needs to arrange a few funds transfers to me other taxation manager Joost in Switzerland.
Koind Regards,
Principal C.
Dear Principal Culinane
I has returned from me holiday in the Dry Tortugas only ta find me Fireside armchair in the Staff Room has been given over to a new boy. I damned im fer his cheek and demanded that he give me back me cosy cushion and slippers and the blaggard said he'd burned em to toast his chestnuts!
He reckons he be the new Science and Gunpowder Master for year 6. I wants me chair back now or I shall go on strike forthwith!
Yours,
A Disgruntled Bart
Dear ADB
Eugene Wiggins is a very idiotic special boy with kelptomania, very special needs. He wishes no immediate return of your stuff, harm. Should you wish to bugger off leave the office, Eugene will hock your belongings to the highest bidder, thoughfully return your gear, no questions asked.
Should you have further difficulties with Eugene, then you've got no hope, then please contact me, not that I will do anything.
Kind Regards,
Principal 'How much for the Slippers Eugene?' Cullinane
Dear Cull'
A slimey roight oddball 'as bin stirrin' up truble in ther staff room. Oi's ne'er scene 'im befoore. Yoo know Oi be ther last ter sneek tayles but Oi rekkun 'e be a risk ter boys an' masters aloike. Oi jest thawt yer shuld know if'n no wun else 'as towld yer. Yoo ken reckernise 'im by 'is red 'air an tasteless frillie shurts.
Yours sinceerly
Eugene
Ps. Oi 'as sum loverly slippers cheep. Oi ken stretch 'em ter yer soize fer ther roigth price. They be rather small.
Arrrr Principle C me ol matey
I has bin away so long, no bugger seems ta recognise me. As it appens, I hardly recognise meself since I had the Liposuckshun and the Hair transplant. Any chance of a new harmchair?
Quote from: Black Bart on September 19, 2007, 04:02:58 PM
Arrrr Principle C me ol matey
I has bin away so long, no bugger seems ta recognise me. As it appens, I hardly recognise meself since I had the Liposuckshun and the Hair transplant. Any chance of a new harmchair?
well Bart ye looks a fright-- ye appears to be a skeleton wearin a wig (liposuckshun and hair transplant) --- sorry ye 'avent been properly welcomed back- we'd been hidin frum ye. Now we knows it jus be wittle ol yew.
Not sure 'bout that chair doins--- ye kin always submits a request on that fancy-dancy 12 part paper we aves round heres somewheres and it will be placed at tha bottom of a pile somewheres where it'll be forgots about till next millinium or somefink. meanwhiles jus sneak into an empty office and steals ye one. (I won't tell)
I see ye've turned in a request for "sabbatical expenses"--- oim fairly sure that the rum and wench service can't be considered- oil see's whot I kin do for ye otherwise
cincerely
Saucy Gert , doin her second job here at tha skool
Deer Princerpal Cullinnannenneaine,
It seems we as bin n'glektin our pedagogical duties on account o' 'ow much toime we bin spendin in ol' Portsmouth. In our absense the students 'ave taken over the staffe room and claim that they'll make enny teachers, wot shows their 'eads thereabouts, walk the plank. This is a disgrace an Oi has called Constable Timmins roun' ter evict the little blaggards, but 'e seems ter be detained jest now over at Old Portsmouth, sommat abowt some rodent named Phil or somfin.
On the plusse soide Oi kin report that sales o' Captain's Delight over there be very healthy and Oi 'ave 'ad ter install sum ortomatik mashinery aughtametic mekanikals more students ter run the stills. This 'as hincreased production 350% an' we seem ter be keepiin up wiv deman fer the toime bein, but now Oi finde that Oi kin hardly move down in the stiilroom, wiv all them styudents running about, they're loike ants! Ter overcome this state o' affairs Oi 'ave takin the lberty of callin the builders to construkt a new still house on the rugby pitch, seein as how the little barskets nevver use it fer rugby aenny wise. At our present rate of produktshun we should be able ter pay off the building costs within three months so Oi didunt fink yer wuld want ter be trubbled wiv the details and Oi jest be sending this ter ye fer ye infermashun.
Oi has put up a notice on the students noticeboard advising any interested students that Oi will be running a course in advanced stillery pracktisse commencing next week and Oi ave bin overwhelmed wiv replies. Oi think Oi might 'ave ter run the class in shifts ter cope wiv the numbers. This shuld fit in well wiv me new productshun shedjool as we move from a two shift basis to a round the clock production, which should further increase output by 50% - this shuld be ennuff until the new stillery comes on line.
Stillmaster Cap'n Bluenose
'
PS Yer usual bribe cream off the top investment dividend will be delivered in a plain brown envelope as usual behind the bike sheds on Friday.
Dear Principal Culinane:
Oi ave a couple cabin boys at PPPS, an oi wish ter complain about the newtritious hot lunch swill bein served this term. Me lads be staggerin back to the Mad Moggies Revenge hafter classes, green around the gills, unsteady on their feet, an fallin outter the riggin unable to concentrate on their duties.
Oi hates to point fingers, but hit seems one o yer instructors be earnin some extra dubloons unreported salary on the soide, loike, after doin away wif the contracted food service an substitutin sumpin unspeakable from is own ship. Oi ave sent me cabin boys wif their own weevil-biscuit lunches to no avail, as they are confiscated and eaten by the staff discarded to maintain this unseemly monopoly. Please look inter this an flog the guilty party address this situration at yer earliest convenyence hopportunity.
Yours sincerely,
pieces o nine
ps: oi ave taken the liberty of hincludin hevidence wif this missive.
(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/BB_FishPotPies.jpg)
Dear Principal Culinane:
Oi've a modest proposal wot may serve to ease yer recent troubles with school lunches, also it may help provide educational opertunities for your students. Let me offer my services setting up classes on Maritime Emergency Nutrition, Edible Species Identification, and The Custom of the Sea - Practical Applications, all subjects o' which I am an expert. As a part o' the program, Oi'll have my classes take shifts at
catching curs and moggies aquiring supplemental provisions and preparin' grub for the school at large, which should give you
spare cash for Fifi's extra room in the budget.
Also, Oi've a unique brand o' discipline what should help
fill some bellies prevent re-offence, also am experienced in emergency surgery and have pioneered many new non-fatal amputation techniques.
Please see my attached letter of recommendation from the Maritime Health Authority.
Yours fully,
Taddeus Bellinghouse,
Captain o' the
AlliumPS - If you wish to discuss my proposal further, please feel free to drop by the
Allium for dinner - I will personally prepare a nice
Filet Mignonette for the occasion.
QuoteTo Who It May Concern:
Captain Taddeus Bellinghouse is hereby commended for outstanding acheivement in Scurvy Prevention, having remained 100% scurvy-free in all crew members over the past 10 years. The commendment is somewhat tempered due to the loss of a number of sailors to curry however the general quality of Cap'n Bellinghouse's onboard coosine is the best we have had the pleasure to inspect, and his crew are always deliciously plump-lookin' in a healthy nutritional state.
Cap'n Bellinghouse is further commended on innovations in the use of Sea-Foods and the preparation of all types of Meate, Fish and Fowle to be fit for man.
We remain somewhat concerned that Cap'n Bellinghouse is failing to meet the RDWI (recommended daily weevil intake) set by the MHM however we are willing to overlook said concern due to overall crew health.
Hon. Gord Mand,
Maritime Health Authority
Dear Students Teachers and Assorted Other Vermin,
I have been on leave with my mistress with my family for several months now and the school has never run better without me and there is much work to do. Oi will be seein' to make sure that all matters are promptly swept under the carpet addressed ASAP.
Koind Regards,
Bill 'Now where's me bottle of Capatins Delight' Cullinane
Deere Prinserpell Cullinnannee
Oi be moighty glad ter see yer back on board, as it were.
There be a case o' Captain's Delight (strickly fer quality control purposes, o coarse) in the corner behind the pot plant.
Stillmaster Bluenose
Dear Principal Cullinane,
Oi sees ow it is here now. This be a corrupt hestablished institution wot requires bribery hencouragement and appreciation of the blaggards community pillars at the helm.
Oi'll not be leavin any kegs in odd corners as they moight fall into the wrong hands, iffen ye know wot oi mean. But oi will stand ye a drink or three next toime oi sees ye in the Benbow.
Yours sincerely,
pieces o nine
Dear PC
Oi be need sum time awf me positshun as 'ead o' faculties. Me brain got busted by a stray canon brawl ball 'an the doc sais oi shuld rest up. Oi'll be lettin' ye know wen Oi get me marbles back an can resume me duties.
Yours once only as ever
Lord Cap'n Earl Lord Treadmill-Mindworthy
Dear Lord Cap'n Earl Lord Treadmill-Mindworthy
Can I be avin me cannon ball back...if it be still lodged in yer brain?
Yours Truly
Cap'n Black Bart's gunner (First Rate as qualified from the Pirate Public School)
Dear Cap'n Black Bart's gunner (First Rate as qualified from the Pirate Public School)
Ye can 'av ye ball bakk if'n ye can scrape me faculties off'n it an' sort 'em awt an stuff 'em bakk in me hed fer me so's Oi can get me job bakk.
Overwise Oi be goin' ter haunt ye ! Wotch awt fer a mangled skeleton in yer face !
Lord Cap'n L E T-M etc
Dear Lord Cap'n Earl Lord Treadmill-Mindworthy,
We at PPP Distilleries have been working on some new and inovative products. We would like to offer you a sample bottle of our new hexperimental cannon ball remover and brain re-arranger. Please let us know ho it goes.
George Sanderson Esq
Manager
Portsmouth Pirate Public School Distilleries
Experimental Products Division
Dear Sanderson
Oi h'apprecyate yer koindness. Oi 'as fownd me faculties h'under the table.
That be a foine sample. 'As ye got any mooore?
Oi be sure P.Cullwotsit will be pleezed ter 'av me bakk.
Yours Lord Cap'n L E T-M etc
cc. PCull.
Dear Lord Treadworthy,
Please report to the sick bay at once. The Naughty Nurse will tend to your whopping great cavity aching head, as soon as she's finished smacking my bum replenishing the first aid kit in my office.
Can you keep the matter confidential for now? The list of lawsuits complaints we get from cannon practice has sparked a few visits from the Portsmouth OH&S Authority and Constabulary.
Would hate your headache to cause any more headaches, if ye know what I mean.
Please take one weeks leave for your inconvenience in a very far away place until this incident dies down.
Kind Regards,
Principal Bill Cullinane
Dear PBC
Ye be a truly grate 'eadmaster Principle.
The lady with the big Nurse 'as me tukked up in bed. It be bliss. She 'av given me wun of 'em snuggle blankets wot be big enuff ter cover me needs.
Oi wuldn't dreem of menshiuning the matter any furver. That wer if Oi culd remember wot it wer. As Oi can't remember, o' course Oi moight menshiun it by mistake loike. If ye get me drift.
Yours ever
Lord C L E Treadworthy-M. RIB.
I loiks the sound o that nurse. I has had a nasty accident involvin a bus and the main Portsmouth Highway. Maybe the nurse can polish up me peg leg a bit.
Dear head moron Headmaster,
Oive an issuw wif me markins on me reprot card
Pillagin -- A
Plunderin--A
Givin o dirty looks--A
Swabbin and totin and pot stirrin--A+
Swearin and spittin--A
Advanced Care of Parrots and bilge rats--A+
Sawbones assistant--A note:but most excellent at holding done the victim patients while doc be cuttin and all!
Comportment and manners--C-
What! a C minus! how could oive gotten a C minus ye poopy headed keg swillers dear faculty. I never once this entire year long used me cutlass at meal times for naught other than eatin and oive been most 'specially careful to wear me underknickers since that windy march day last spring, and I no longer spits on tha sidewalks-- I spits in me hand and wipes it on me shirt! Why Oive a mind to come up to ye offices and shows ye knot buggerin worms yer high n mightys a thing or two about manners!
Dear Principal Cullinane,
Oi'm pleased to announce that the Portsmouth Pirate Public School has
paid the bribe passed the rechoirments to sponsor a chapter of Pyrate Scouts International. As ye knows, the Pyrate Scouts ave long been admoired fer
press-gangin hencouragin young people ter achieve their potential as heffective crewmembers and unprincipled citizens. Innerested PPPS stewdents may sign up all this week in the office. Uniform requirements: oi patch, fetchin hat, stripy shirt, canvas trousers, sensible shoes, parrot (stuffed OK).
Smartly salutin' ye,
Portsmouth Pyrate Crewe Master, Cap'n Baird Saggingsails
Quote from: wickedpediaPyrate Scout History:
Cap'n Robt. Bait'n-Pole horganized the Pyrate Scouts in 1908. An equal-hopportunity program, bof lads an wenchettes can join Pyrate Scout "Crewes" to learn the foine points o' knot tyin, deck swabbin, fish heade stewe preparin, swearin, drinkin, an managin yer cutlass. Once a year there be a meetup in sum exotic port; Pyrate Scouts pay their way by selling Pyrate Scouts Weevil Biscuits ®.
Age ranking for Pyrate Scouts: 4-6 Shrimps; 7-10 Swabbies; 11-17 Cabin Boys; 18 -21 Bos'n Scouts. The highest award a individual Pyrate can achieve is Parrot Scout, wot few achieve due to the long list o'civic-moinded tasks.
Pyrate Scout Laws:
TRUSTWORFY
A Pyrate does not stretch the trufe overmuch unless he be tellin a farfetched tale. Ovver pyrates can depend on him not to steal them bloinde.
LOYAL
A Pyrate is true to his crewe, his cap'n, his ship, an his mates at school.
HELPFUL
A Pyrate is concerned about ovvers. He does their errands willingly as long as there be a sufishent reward.
FRIENDLY
A Pyrate is a friend to all wenches and a bruvver to other Pyrates.
COURTEOUS
A Pyrate is polite to everyone regardless of age or position, exceptin blaggards.
KOIND
A Pyrate does not hurt or kill fings wivout a reason.
OBEDIENT
A Pyrate follows the rules of his crewe, school, and cap'n. If he thinks these rules and laws are unfair, he resolves fings wiv his cutlass an pistols.
CHEERFUL
A Scout looks for the bright side of shiny fings. He cheerfully does tasks wot he loikes.
THRIFTY
A Pyrate works to pay his way and to help others, if no other option be available.
BRAVE
A Pyrate faces danger, even if it be from far away, loike.
CLEAN
A Pyrate keeps his body and mind reasonably fit and clean, but he does not go overboard.
REVERUNT
A Pyrate is reverunt iffen his cap'n puts the fear o' god into him.
Pyrate Scout Motto: Be Prepared t'eat Fish Heade Stewe
Pyrate Scout Slogan: Do a Good Turn Daily, Ye Blaggards
(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/PyrateScouts_2.jpg)
Arrrgh...sob...I wish I could ave been in the Pirate Scouts, but now I be too old fer it.
I used ta be in the 'Bilge Rats' boys club when I were a lad. We used ta meet up hevry friday and go huntin fer Rats what had hescaped from the boats. I learned how to rub sticks tagether so's we could cook the rats and we would elp people home from The Admiral Benbow...even if they didn't want to go home! Come to think of it we didn't elp up home...we elped up into the docks minus their wallets.
YYAARRR, those were the days.
aAAAAAAAARH! Oi be too old too but Oi wer in ther Cabin Weevil's Club. We each 'ad an old cobber ter visit and we 'ad ter hentertain 'em while fillin' theyr biskit tins wiv weevils.
Arrrr...it brings a tear to me eye...I can still remember the 'Bilge Rat' song what we used ta sing around the old camp fire:
I'VE GOT SOMETHING IN MY POCKET
I've got something in my pocket that belongs across my face
I keep it very close at hand, in a most convenient place
I know you'll never guess it if you guess a long long while
So I'll take it out and put it on, it's a great big Brown Bilge Rat
Wot a loverly camp song!
Arrrr it might sound a tad bizarre to strap a Bilge Rat accross yer face loik...but as I remember it, it was a way of henticin other Bilge Rats to their doom.
Dear Principal Cullinane,
Oi'm pleased to announce that the Portsmouth Pirate Public School chapter of Pyrate Scouts International be pursuin their annual Pyrate Scout Cookie Droive. (A speshul packaging scheme were supposed ter be made up sayin "Pyrate Scout Biscuit Droive" fer ye continentals, but hit baint delivered from the printerrr yet.) Pyrate Scouts will be forcing selling cookies/bisquits, at cutlass-point if necessary, until all boxes av been sold or the Scout coffers be full, wotever comes last.
This year we ave 6 luverly flavors:
Weevil Classix: A perrrenial favorite! Cremy weevil butter sandwiched between two hardtack biscuits, garnished wif additional weevils. Yum!
Lumpy Mints: Delishus weevil bisquit dipped hin chocolate, wif a burst o peppermint oil! (Stock up as hantidotes fer fishe heade stewe!)
Moskstraumens: New this year! Gen-oo-wine sea salt from the fjords garnishes these mistereeus mysteryus strange whirlpools o' cookie goodness.
Black Spots: Another crewe favorite! Basic hardtack biscuit himpressed wiv popularrr "pieces o' eight" desoin and garnished wiv a dollop o'chocolate. Ye'll fink ye've died an gone ter pyrate heaven!
Shortbred Skullz: Here be a real treat fer the Cap'ns private pantry! Shortbread wiv a light, buttery flavor that'll ave ye sayin, "Oi can't believe hit isn't Bilge Rat Butter!" (No trance-fat for those wot ave cut trance outten their diets.)
Yarr Crisps: Another crunchy shortbread treat! This one as "Yarrr" hembossed in all yer most popularrr pyratical languages.
We're hexpectin this year's cookie/biscuit droive ter be the best ever! Hencourage yer staff an stoodents ter buy early, buy offen, or we'll run ye through ye'll miss out.
Smartly salutin' ye,
Portsmouth Pyrate Crewe Master, Cap'n Baird Saggingsails
(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/PyrateScoutSampler.jpg)
Dear Pieces,
Those cookies look delicious! You can store them in me office as previous. Oi promise they will be in safe keeping until I eat them all until the fund raiser date which may need to be brought forward to stop me eatin them all
Keep up the good work my stomach our school is at your gratitude.
Koind Regards,
Bill 'Weevil Classix' Cullinane
Deer Cap'n Saggunsales,
Them Pyrate Scowts are proven emselfs ter be roight handy in smugglin deliverin the Captain's Delight XO Special Reserve ter our moore desernin kustomers at the sly grog merchents reputable liquor stores in Portsmouth. Them constables an likker licensin wallers wuld neva think o lookin in a scowt's haversack fer sly grog refreshing beverages, it be brilliant. Iffen business be keepin on loike it 'as lately Oi'll be able ter cut yer in fer a bit o the action, say 15% o the gross on all "speshul delivries". O' coarse Oi'll be continuin ter be given the Scowts one hip flask of Captains Delight XO per delivry an' a free pass ter Madam Fifi's fer evry ten completed runs delivries. The lads seem ter be might keen on this arrangement fer sum reason.
Yours in edumakashun,
Stillmaster Bluenose
Quote from: pieces o nine on February 19, 2008, 12:17:23 AM
Dear Principal Cullinane,
Oi'm pleased to announce that the Portsmouth Pirate Public School chapter of Pyrate Scouts International be pursuin their annual Pyrate Scout Cookie Droive. (A speshul packaging scheme were supposed ter be made up sayin "Pyrate Scout Biscuit Droive" fer ye continentals, but hit baint delivered from the printerrr yet.) Pyrate Scouts will be forcing selling cookies/bisquits, at cutlass-point if necessary, until all boxes av been sold or the Scout coffers be full, wotever comes last.
This year we ave 6 luverly flavors:
Weevil Classix: A perrrenial favorite! Cremy weevil butter sandwiched between two hardtack biscuits, garnished wif additional weevils. Yum!
Lumpy Mints: Delishus weevil bisquit dipped hin chocolate, wif a burst o peppermint oil! (Stock up as hantidotes fer fishe heade stewe!)
Moskstraumens: New this year! Gen-oo-wine sea salt from the fjords garnishes these mistereeus mysteryus strange whirlpools o' cookie goodness.
Black Spots: Another crewe favorite! Basic hardtack biscuit himpressed wiv popularrr "pieces o' eight" desoin and garnished wiv a dollop o'chocolate. Ye'll fink ye've died an gone ter pyrate heaven!
Shortbred Skullz: Here be a real treat fer the Cap'ns private pantry! Shortbread wiv a light, buttery flavor that'll ave ye sayin, "Oi can't believe hit isn't Bilge Rat Butter!" (No trance-fat for those wot ave cut trance outten their diets.)
Yarr Crisps: Another crunchy shortbread treat! This one as "Yarrr" hembossed in all yer most popularrr pyratical languages.
We're hexpectin this year's cookie/biscuit droive ter be the best ever! Hencourage yer staff an stoodents ter buy early, buy offen, or we'll run ye through ye'll miss out.
Smartly salutin' ye,
Portsmouth Pyrate Crewe Master, Cap'n Baird Saggingsails
(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/PyrateScoutSampler.jpg)
Arrrrrrr...did ye bake em yerself?
Principal Cullinane:
thankee fer yer koind offer o' safe storage. Oi mus ask, tho, that ye eat hentire cookies fer yer cut. Hit be bad fer business ter sell boxes wiv cookies wot ave bites outten them, here an there loike. Nobody believes this be the werk o'bilge rats, if ye ketch me drift.
Smartly salutin' ye,
Portsmouth Pyrate Crewe Master, Cap'n Baird Saggingsails
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Stillmaster Bluenose:
oi am glad ter nose that thee lads be makin emselves ooseful, as they be werkin towards there Community Citizenship merit badges. Hit also be good to ave em off the street and in the alleys, learnin a payin' trade so's they not become a burden to the community (loike the PPPS guidance counselor, or thee Mayor, fer hexamples).
Smartly salutin' ye,
Portsmouth Pyrate Crewe Master, Cap'n Baird Saggingsails
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Cap'n Black Bart:
the Pyrate Scout Cookies be made by Cap'n Keebler and his vertically-challenged bakers, in secret locations in thee New World. Oi hopes yer not tryin' to get hinside hinformation to, er, liberate any cookie/biscuit shipments...
Warnin' ye,
Portsmouth Pyrate Crewe Master, Cap'n Baird Saggingsails
Dear Cap'n Pieces
Comin out of Pirate speak momentarily...
Did you Graphic Design/Photoshop those biscuits yourself?
Back to Pirate mode...
Harr harr...set a course fer the biscuit trade routes lads...thar be rich pickins on the high seas!
(comin back out of pirate speak...I really do steal biscuits, mostly at work from office meetings and the like...oh yes I'm a real blaggard!)
Quote from: Black Bart on February 20, 2008, 02:24:16 PM
Harr harr...set a course fer the biscuit trade routes lads...thar be rich pickins on the high seas!
Got room for anuther ship in yer fleet matey? Ol' Cap'n Bellinghouse here usually sticks to raiding spice traders, but Oi knows where the Armay Tea Co. ships are at their least protected....
Welcome aboard me fleet matey...lets get ourselves a biscuit mountain!
Black Bart:
Yes, I PhotoShopped them. You would have wept with envy to see them: even the weevil shadows were perfect. Then I sized it down for a smaller image and lost all me luvverly detail. :weep:
Cap'n Bellinghouse:
Yarrr! I be hinterested in joinin yer raid on the Armay Tea Company...
Aye, but do we go for the biscuits first, or the tea?
The Principal
St Winifred's School for Ladies
Portsmouth Heights
Attention: Mrs Penelope Vanderbilt
Dear Mrs Vanderbilt,
As you are well aware, the combined school social is rapidly descending upon us once again. We are pleased that you have offered us one last chance entusiastically embraced this annual event for us to enjoy.
Following last years debacle event in which several of my students were arrested for debauchery reprimanded for exhibiting spirited behaviour, we have decided to adopt the following measures.
Still Master Bluenose will be serving only half strength moonshine a healthy variety of softdrinks in lieu of our student produce.
Bake Master Pieces of Nine will be making sure all students are served only the finest weevils maggots staple food during the event.
We will be commencing the proceedings with a the Naked Scallywags pirate interprative dance ensemble, followed by Big Ron and the Incredible Wind Band who will be feed some hot curries before they come on stage are set to give one of their finest performances of the year.
The social will conclude with light beer music and tea in our underground still den forecourt garden.
We look forward to raising hell receiving your young ladies at our barnacle infested hovel respectable establishment in the near future.
Kind Regards,
Principal Bill Cullinane
Deer Prinserpal Cullinininane Bill,
Oi bin werkin on the 'alf strength moonshine fer the knees up wiv St Winnie's, but every fing we try only increases the halcohol content. Wun o' them new Poyrate Scowts, Oi fink e be called Pea Ell, suggested we use the standard Captain's Delight XO recipe and just leave out the rat poison seckret ingredient 27. Wot dyer fink?
Stillmaster Bluenose
PS: there be a carton o hour hexperimental combined hair remover and mouth wash in yer broom cupboard, let me know 'ow it goes.
Dear Still Master Bluenose,
Please proceed with your current Social Night batching arrangement. Mrs Vanderbilt will be in attendance, so Oi suggest you add some red/green colouring to make it look like it's softdrink. Oi will need Bake Master Pieces O'Nine to soften the blow by baking Mrs Vanderbilt a nice big batch of those Moskstraumens.
I'm hoping when the Naked Scallywags hit the stage, she will leave abruptly. If not Big Ron's band will clear the auditorium.
That should clear the way for the youngsters to cut loose. Can we get 'em to leave their weapons in their dorms this year? Tell that scoundrel Berty Bilson that he's not gettin' anywhere near the school cannon to let off some rounds. Last years deaths were blamed upon Black Spot's galleon, not us.
Looking forward to the shindig as always!!
Regards,
Bill
Dear Principal Cullinane,
Oi wuz ahead of ye on the "fiinger food" and "nibbles" idea. Oi had a batch of luverly ladyfingers all ready to bribe dispatch present to Missus Vanderbilt when oi had a hinspiration to garnish them, loike, with sum of the rum the pyrate scouts ave been runnin fer Stillmaster Bluenose. Sadly, the ladyfingers dinsintegratered roight befoar me ois. Not even crumbs wuz left.
Oi'll hexperiment wiv yer suggestchun regardin the Moskstraumens.
Lookin for'ard to the festivitees,
Bake Master Pieces O'Nine
Pirate Scrip: could ye ask Stillmaster Bluenose to send over anuvver bottle uv his hair remover/mouth wash? There be nuffink loike it ter clear out stubborn charred arrreas in thee ovens.
Quote from: AgujjimAye, but do we go for the biscuits first, or the tea?
That be a taxin queschun. Perhaps we should meet at the Benbow to compare charts and plot thee most effishent attack. Oi suggest we arrive afore Black Bart so's not ter get stuck wiv 'is bar tab. Again.
-Pieces o Nine
Quote from: pieces o nine on February 20, 2008, 07:10:35 PM
Black Bart:
Yes, I PhotoShopped them. You would have wept with envy to see them: even the weevil shadows were perfect. Then I sized it down for a smaller image and lost all me luvverly detail. :weep:
That's an excellent job...are you a professional Graphic Artist or Designer?
Quote from: pieces o nine on February 21, 2008, 05:06:55 AM
Quote from: AgujjimAye, but do we go for the biscuits first, or the tea?
That be a taxin queschun. Perhaps we should meet at the Benbow to compare charts and plot thee most effishent attack. Oi suggest we arrive afore Black Bart so's not ter get stuck wiv 'is bar tab. Again.
-Pieces o Nine
Arrrrrrgh...I was goin ta pay me tab seein I had rich pickins from a Pacific Biscuit Cutter...but I noticed me shoe lace was undone on the way to the bar (again), I bent down to tie me laces an I noticed a Gold Cronan lyin in the Spitoon. Wivout flinchin or a second thought, I reached into the snot to retrieve the Cronan and crack...me back went! I'll ave to keep me cash for the chiropracter!
Oi'd already paid the first few rounds in advance. But I had to drink 'em meself since you lot didn't show.
*hic*
Still got a load of spices to sell before Oi'll have room in th' hold for another voyage. Hmm... might need to bribe have a word with the Stillmaster.
Quote from: Black Bart...are you a professional Graphic Artist or Designer?
Thank you! Yes.
Snap...I only turned to Piracy to sharpen me Perspective!
Are you freelance or working for someone? (In Graphics not Piracy...you can only be freelance in piracy!)
Yarrr...
Now we haves Bart and Pieces in our midst. This is goin to get even more graphic! :mrgreen:
There be nuffink to see here, folks, move along wiv ye.
[I am freelancing while looking for a better corporate fit. Words cannot describe how enjoyable this is.]
Quote from: pieces o nine on February 28, 2008, 05:41:27 PM
Quote from: Black Bart...are you a professional Graphic Artist or Designer?
Thank you! Yes.
I thought so . ARGH!
Yarrr. This soite seems t' attract 'creatives'.
Arrrrr...it be the free spirit o the Pirate wot makes us so himaginative...nothun but the horizon o the vast hexpanse o the sea to hold back our creative juices...
<background noise of jailer pushing tray through bars>
"Here's yer Bread an Water BLack Bart...an stop rattelin yer chains it be disturbin the rats!"
Yarr ! At thee momint Oi be inna doldrums fer a noice lung winded tail...but oi fergot the storee Oi maid up whilst wawndren doan thee rowd .
But leest me spellin still be good !
Arrrr, the Long Winded Tales ave had a resurgence of late.
Dear Principal Cullinane,
Oi regrets ter hinform ye that the Portsmouth Pirate Public School chapter of Pyrate Scouts International needs ter be hexcused frum classes fer sum parte of thee month ov April, as they arrre pursuin their Pyrate Scout Sivick Duty Badges.
Thee Pyrate Scouts 'ave throne their support behoind one ov Portsmouth's mayoral cannidates an 'ave been busy hencouragin thee populace to take an hinterest through 'angin ov banners, stagin ov publicke demonstrashuns, horganizin ov suffridge droives, burnin ov hopponents heffigies, and thee loike. it beings a salty tear ter me one good oi ter see 'em so hactiv in sivick affares.
Hinvitashuns will be forthcomin fer thee faculty an staff ov Portsmouth Pirate Public School to attend thee Pyrate Scouts Hawards Ceremony and Badge Awardin, ter be 'eld later this springe, in return fer yer support an flecksability wiv shed-yule'n.
Smartly salutin' ye,
Portsmouth Pyrate Crewe Master, Cap'n Baird Saggingsails
"SELL OUT PORTMOUTH! YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE!"
Cap'n Baird Saggingsails,
Can your scouts ensure Tiddles remains in strong contension as Mayor at the forthcoming eletion.
Tiddles will give us all some large kick backs be happy for your organisation to assist, given the influx of large candidates - which will require violent persuasion to withdraw.
Please find attached key to the weaponry store electoral resource room.
Koind Regards,
Principal Bill 'Electorally Impartial 'Cullinane
Meanwhile in a hushed classroom 40 Pirate Students were listening awestruck to Black Bart's rendition of:
The Ode of the Ancient Cronan
And now the storm blast came, and he
Stood on the burnin deck
His Cronan Head and Cronan eye
Looked just loik Gregory Peck
Water water everywhere
And all the boards did creek
Water water everywhere
But where's me bottle o Kriek
And now there came both mist and snow
It grew most wondrous cold
But where is Cap'n Cronan
He's boozin in the hold
Dear Principal Cullinane,
Oi'll be sendin round sum fliers t'yer orfis t'send 'ome in thee wee blighter's backpacks, annownsin that thee Portsmouth Pirate Public School chapter of Pyrate Scouts International will be starrrtin hup agin fer thee Fall Term.
Meetins will be on Wensdee Noights arfter skool, an we be kneadin sum parrints oar cap'ns to 'elp shap 'er oan an such on feeled trips. Enny innerested parrrties kin foind me at under me yooshul table at thee Benbow.
Smartly salutin' ye,
Portsmouth Pyrate Crewe Master, Cap'n Baird Saggingsails
Quote from: Black Bart on April 14, 2008, 02:27:26 PM
Meanwhile in a hushed classroom 40 Pirate Students were listening awestruck to Black Bart's rendition of:
The Ode of the Ancient Cronan
And now the storm blast came, and he
Stood on the burnin deck
His Cronan Head and Cronan eye
Looked just loik Gregory Peck
Water water everywhere
And all the boards did creek
Water water everywhere
But where's me bottle o Kriek
And now there came both mist and snow
It grew most wondrous cold
But where is Cap'n Cronan
He's boozin in the hold
I can't even remember posting that one! Arrrr...I've been stayin adrift o the Pirate School of late...I thought it prudent arter me last demonstrashun o the use o gun powder went a tad over board in the Chemistry Class.
Has they had the windows put back in yet?
i be lefftinent areedy
i dunt kneed no skool
an ya kint katch me
na na
Plbbbbpppt !
Ogevos
Obverosl
Obliosve
Quoite plainly you hasn't been skoolt, as you spelt "Plbbbbbpppt!" wif only four b's.
Bothe of ye blaggards be obviyusly bin samplin a bit two muche o' the Captain's Delight! It be spelt "Plbbbbbppptte!"
See me in the distillery fer extra lessons arter skool. The year nine's 'ave been werkin on an hexperimental brewe ye moight be hinnerested inne.
Roigh away, Mistah Bluenose, suh, as soon as Oive carved "Plbbbbbppptte!" into me woodern appendage (an Oim not sayin which appendage that moit be, moind you) one hunnert toims.
HOKAY UNKL BOONOZE !
HEH I AMZ!
yrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
butt oim nott 9 yerz ole
i B free !
Hokay there littull NefyuBB, ye jest be sittin here up on yer ole Unkel Bluenose's knee here, and there's wun here two fer ye as well littel Opsanus. Now ye bothe be 'avin a nice big tankard o' this 'ere hexperimental brewe. Tha's roight. Drink it all now. An' 'ere's a refill. Now 'ows about we play sum nice games 'ey girls? You like games doan ye?
HOBOY !
Dats goode stuff Unkl Boo !
Uhm goona fine unkl farty an sharre sum wiff em.
Doan go weigh hokay !
i B back
ye kin spelz it lik dis 2
:P
hokay .........
Now ware B meclassrum ? ......ferjerry 101 ?
i goona print tikits fer me konsert ......
Me hedd and pastirier bo'um arse is feeling a li'il woozy at moment, suh. Do we gots a clinicke?
Quote from: Opsanus tau on June 10, 2009, 05:04:13 PM
Me hedd and pastirier bo'um arse is feeling a li'il woozy at moment, suh. Do we gots a clinicke?
Welcomme to
Stillmaster Dokter Bluenose's clinick. Now lemme see. Ooh! Nasty! Have a pint o' this 'ere Captain's Delight Special Reserve (Medissinal). Good fer wo ales yer...
Dare prinzpull Culilnanenee ,
Wun ove ye fithy, smelly, liddle stoodints be waddling abowt towne half neckid tryin to sell wadermilin blud fer tuppince a sip !
Well oi tried sum in exchange fer wun ove me lapel buttins .
I WUZ ROBBED I TELLS YE !
There be nay Cappins Deloight in thee mix !
Thee wee wanker waddered thee stuff down ta boot !
T'is commendable wot ye staff be doon , kep up thee goode werk !
Yers, Cappin Thoreau Lee Blinded
Well persunilly, Oi troid th wawermelin blud and found it to be quoite refreshen. But then anythins refreshin after a pint o Captain's Delight Special Reserve (Medissinal). Cor, evin a bukit o sand wud be refreshin after that.
Quote from: Bruder Cuzzen on June 11, 2009, 04:15:42 PM
Dare prinzpull Culilnanenee ,
Wun ove ye fithy, smelly, liddle stoodints be waddling abowt towne half neckid tryin to sell wadermilin blud fer tuppince a sip !
Well oi tried sum in exchange fer wun ove me lapel buttins .
I WUZ ROBBED I TELLS YE !
There be nay Cappins Deloight in thee mix !
Thee wee wanker waddered thee stuff down ta boot !
T'is commendable wot ye staff be doon , kep up thee goode werk !
Yers, Cappin Thoreau Lee Blinded
Dear TLB,
I am
guffawing with delight most disturbed by these turn of these
personally endorsed actvities events. I will contact
commend my students call the police immediately.
Yours sincerely,
Bill Cullinane
Ahoy Princepal Cullaninny !
Oi heers thet wee blighter nefyoo of yeers be threetnin offerin up a koncirt .
Oi sorely 'ope ye be sooplying hearmuffs!
Yers , Cappin Deefer Dan O' Doornail .
Dear Capn Deffer,
Nefyoo is launching his new career at Big Ron's 'Windy Corner Stadium' this weekend. As part of his management team, I'd like to extend our invitation to you and the entire Portmouth dock to attend the launch of his debut album entitled 'The New Prince of Pirate Pop'.
Nefyoo is still getting singin' lessons busy in preparation, so no autographs unless you give me 100 dubloon or visits unless ye be one of Fifi's girls.
Come and join us for a concert, that will blow your mind without using a pistol to do it.
Kind Regards,
Principal Bill Cullinane
PPPS Entertainment Enterprises (PPPSEE)
Dear P. Culliwotsit
Yer continuwell diversifikshiun be confusin' me boy wot be in the lower sixf. Oi be rekwestin' 'e be remooved from all classsez 'cept Radin'.
Yers
Capn. Treadmill-Barstool
Dear Capn. Treadmill-Barstool,
Your boy is a prime candidate for expoloitation a fine young man and we only have his money making potential best interests at heart.
We will continure to stand watch over him, even if he is no longer in full time attendance. However, we will continue to dis respect your wishes regarding this matter.
Should you wish to reconsider accept a bribe of 100 dubloon, we would love your boy to return as that little blaggard's making me and Still Master Bluenose a mint, running moonshine .
Regards and apologies for any misunderstanding, but he is already an established grog runner.
Principal Cullinane
Deer Prinserpal Cullinninnainne,
I woz gunna speek ter ye in person, but when Oi went ter yer orrifice Oi noticed sertain sounds emennatin from wivvin wot made me fink it notte be hoppertune, so I 'ave writtent this 'ere note.
I woz happroached by young Treadmill-Barstool and 'e hinformed me of a matter o' sum delikasy. Happarently 'is old man be 'avin a go at the yung feller about sum o' the hactivities 'e been hinvolved in at PPPS. In particular happarently 'iz ole man seems a mite suspicious abowt the sly grog runnin' Now the yung feller too 'iz kredit sez that 'e reckons such loike be an hintegral parte o lernin piracy and that he will redouble 'iz hefforts in that regard, but 'e wuld loike us ter hassure 'ix ole man that we withdraw the little tyke from all hextra kurrikuler curicler duties. Littel treadmill-Barstool hassured me that the praktisse o' foolin 'is ole man will only sharpen 'is grog runnin skills.
Oi rekomend we we assist the yung feller and to that ende Oi 'ave taken the libertee o' harrangin an hextra delivery for 'im on Thurday nites. Oi trust yer goode self kin make happropriate assurances tor Capn Treadmill-Barstool.
Oi 'ope this meets wiv yer happroval.
Stillmaster Bluenose
Dear Still Master Bluenose,
Apologies regarding my unavailability, yes I was waylaid busy with Mistress Chantal Accountant Simmonds, checking the half yearly ledger. The groaning sounds were related to the horse whip dire financial circumstances caused by disrupted grog deliveries.
That little blaggard is the best grog runner since Nefyoo Blackbeard, went all wussy and started singin' diversified his talents.
I would encourage any efforts possible in keepin his old man 'none-the-wiser'. O'id be givin' T-B Junior an increase in bread and treacle rations, if he keeps his old man at bay and makin the Thursday night drop off.
Regards,
Bill Cullinane
Dear P. Culliwotsit
Me sun be cummin 'home in a roight state h'every day but on Fersady noits 'e not h'only be h'extra nakkered but 'e be all disshovel disshuvelled h'as well wiv 'is trowsers alf ways down h'is nevver reegiuns h'an 'is shert 'angin owt. Me woife be beggin' me ter wivdraw 'im from skkooll 'an giv 'er the munney h'insted. Oi be sikk 'o the arguments 'an h'ask ye ter h'advise me.
Yers
Capn. Treadmill-Barstool
Dear Treddy-B,
Prinserpal Culletc 'as arxed me ter reply on account o' he beein busy with doin the rumpty tumpty taxes wiv Mistress Chantel the accountant. Oi wish ter assure ye that the reason yer sun be so nakkered at the end o the day be because he be the skool's champion sly grog cross country runner. In fact he be in trainin fer the hinter skool sly grog and carousin sports competition. Oi beleeve hin fact that 'e be a good chance fer the National Team. On Thursdays 'e as 'hextra practissse and a 15 km run, so Oi am shoore ye kin unnerstand that moight leave the little bugga champ ab bit messed up lookin'. Hope this hexplains evveryfing.
Stillmast Sportsmaster Bluenose
Dear Spot Master B
If'n ye culd pass on this brown envelope to the National Team directer Oi'd be great ful.
Yers
Capn Treadmill-Barstool
Dear Still Master Blue Nose,
I have been informed that you are in receipt of a brown envelope, which shall be henceforth forwarded to our vice coffers young athletes development program.
As you are aware, little athletics is not strictly offered as a part of the Portsmouth Pirate Public School Currik Curriq Curriculum.
At this stage, I suggest the money be stored in yours and my pockets a talent development holding fund, so a knees-up and card night with Fifi and friends scholarship, can be offered to a student of suitable promise.
I look forward to the shindig establishment and naming of the scholarship. We shall workshop the details when we sober up at this months general meeting.
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Dear Spot Master B
Pleez wuld ye return the brown h'enveloppe Oi sent ye yesterday. It were the wrong wun. Oi 'opes ye aven't h'opened h'it as it be persunal.
Yers
Capn Treadmill-Barstool
Ahoy dare Prinzpill Callninny ,
Wun ove fuchure ex-convex stoodints ove aboot sevin hands high smacked me on me kneecap .
Almost broke et he did ( ye should feed 'im moor offin to keep up his strength ).
He yoosed a blakjack ove his oan design , seeing as it be wun oi neffer seen afore .
Oi be owtraged !
Why hasint wun ove dem be offered up fer sale .
yers asspectunt espectitintly oi be awaiting ,
Cap'n Nobbly Neez
Dear Capn NN
The game of poker is one I play often often a lively affair and you must be very careful who you play with especially me, as I'll fleece you quick smart!
Tell that little blaggard to report to Sports Master Bluenose immediately, as we want to wager on his boxing skills keep his mitts to himself or else.
I would be more than happy to offer any crooked cards skills or advice which will enable you to cheat play more effectively.
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Avass ! Prinsypull Callalalalalalalaanny
Plez Xcuse me nefYoo fwum alla klasis fer dis munff an necks munff cos he gots lottsa pracksing ta do fer his konsert .
yers trooly , my aunty blakrub .
Dear Nefyoo BB,
Your leave is approved provided our standard 25% fee cut applies you invite your class mates to the concert.
You are a budding young talent and provided we can understand you we look forward to seeing you at The Windy Corner Stadium.
Yours proudly and profitably
Principal Cullinane
der prizpil cudniny
i is lpss
i no can fine tha toy rum
i muss hav a nu cutliss an sun pissuls an dagurs an stuff lik thet if i gunna go on tha feeld twip wif unkl flack fart .
if i no fine tha toy rum
can i go owtsid an pillij alla stuff i need
Deer Princip Culliinnnnann Kullinnang Wotsername,
Oi needs ter bring ter yer hattenshun tha' sum littel baskit 'as made a "Neffyu" sized hole in the wall of the stillery store room. A large quantity of Captain's Delight has gone missing. Culd ye pleeze arx the sargn't at harms ter hinvestigate?
Stillmaster Bluenose
Dear Nefyoo,
It has come to my attention that you have been siphoning off the profits rum supply from my, Still Master Bluenose's The School Distillery.
Can ye please ensure that you drink destroy the evidence return the goods immediately before Education Inspector Ed Percival's snow job inspection this Friday.
As we have the reputation of the School to uphold, I hope that you can stop drinking get your conduct in order, before Inspector Ed gives our school assembly his full inspection.
As usual, I will be takin Inspector Percival to Fifi's, getting him drunk sending him a large sum of money to task, to ensure that our accreditation passes with flying colours while things get swept under the carpet.
Yours nervously,
Principal Cullinane
ahoy prizpil kallilly ,
i fined a rum wiff lots of grape bluds innit
ya no can ave et bak
cos unkl fart sez thet stuff wull
mak ya bline nefyu
sayd unkl farty
he gib me lotsa lollys fer findirs fee tho
ye kin ave sum if ya get me sum pissils an stuff lik thit
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Principal Cullinane:
It grieves me to report that one of our own little Pyrate Scouts has been shaking down various pillars of the community for "pissils an stuff lik thit", whatever that means. I am deeply ashamed at the oversight which has allowed a three-year-old to attempt Extortion, which is clearly a senior level merit badge. I mean, the wee blaggard hasn't even achieved his Diaper Pin yet!
Please alert all faculty and support staff members to be on the alert to interim clumsy attempts at extorting weapons in exchange for stolen rum adulterated with (one shudders!) fruit juice.
Smartly Saluting ye-
Capn Baird Saggingsails,
Pyrate Scoutmaster
Portsmouth Pirate Public School Troop
deer stillmassir unkl blunoz ,
unkl farty musta mak a misstake an drinkid tha barruls ove stuff ii stole fwum ya
cos he no see nuffin noaw
so noaw i wobbin et bak fer ya !
hup hup fer me !
noaw i gunna git a badj fer shure !
Dear Nefyoo,
As you are aware, 'Double Pirate Speak 101' has not yet been introduced to this school. As it is clearly undecipherable to 99.9999% of the pirate population, we would suggest you first master normal pirate speak.
There is a budding career ahead for you in politics in any case, as I can barely understand anything that comes out of their mouths either.
Look forward to conversing with you, with a large phrase book.
Kind Regards,
Principal Cullinane
Dear Cullinanelee
Is it troo ther course "Pirate Speak fer Extra Dummies" at yer skool has "Janet and John go to Sea" as its core text? Me sun Nancy wants ter be sure ye abide by equal ops and human rights an all.
Yours
Capn. Arthur Treadmill-Whipps Capn.
Dear Capn Arthur,
Yes it be true, although it be the updated version called 'Captain Scuppers and Wench Judy visit the Love Inn for a "rest".
Highly graphic descriptions censored of course!
Yours,
PC