Toadfish Monastery

Dear Citizens of Portsmouth,

The 1700's are a time of change, bubonic plague, rampant colonialism, sailing ship infested harbours. What's the world comming too?

The time has come to vote your new Municipal Council once again.  Political parties and concerned citizens, state your issues here and now.

What are the issues that affect you? How will you vote a this years ballot?

The following parties have already registered to stand:

The Right Wing Upper Crust Twit Association (RWUCTA)
The Keith Liversausage Advancement Party (KLAP)
Concerned Butchers of Portsmouth (CBOP)
Unconcerned Pirates and Blaggards (UPAB)

Register you party or concerns, right here right now.

Signed,

C.McBunty

Cecil McBunty
Electoral Officer
Portsmouth Electoral Commission

Me party stands fer wipin' owt scurvy and scurvy bastards.

Vote fer us.

Vote fer SCABS.

Dear SCABS,

Please accept the electoral funding consisting of 5 barrels of oranges. You forthwith have permission to demonstrate your aforementioned skills on Council steps next week.

Vote 1 SOPP!

The Sell Out Portsmouth Party 'as all the same policy thingies as all the uther parties, we jest be honest about what will really do when we get in power.

Dear SOP-sters

Welcome aboard. I look forward to seeing a new electoral commision building being constructed, should you win office (without my ballot rigging skills of course).

Vote for the Concerned Residents About Buccaneer Standards party

or CRABS for short.

Solve all yer problems at once

VOTE for SAUCY GERT!
(I pledge myself to be the candidate of the highest paying party-- so to get Gert as your candidate start bidding now!)

amounts pledged to date:
CRABS----- 2 pairs itchy long johns and $5 Cronan
SOPP------ $12 Cronans and a case of expired lager with the expiration date highlighted for honesty
SCABS----  2 crates of recycled bandage material and 14 lb sterling looted from the Tortugas.
C. McBunty---- unprintable offer

(they all ain't doin good so ye've all gots a good chance o gettin candidate Gert)

Quote from: DaveL on February 21, 2008, 01:20:59 AM
Dear SOP-sters

Welcome aboard. I look forward to seeing a new electoral commision building being constructed, should you win office (without my ballot rigging skills of course).

Yarrr.  Ye seem ter be under a misaprehenshun there matey,  We jest be 'onest about what we'll do when we be in power.  We jest as prepared as the werst o th' uthers to lie and cheat ter get elected.  'Ow much duzz yer ballot rigging skills cost? 

New Electoral Commission building, did Oi hear ye say?  Well, Oi knows a certain Chinese businessman who is lookin ter hinvest in the local area, Iffen ye loike Oi am sure Oi can arrange an hintroduckshun, he be mighty keen...

Dear Cecil

OY!!!  We be misled. Oi hunderstood ther wuld be 8 partees ter chews from.

Oi demand a name chainge. Vote 05 !!

Yours disgruntled
A concerned citizen
Norman Dumbrain

Dear Norman,

You are absoultely right. I think we will have a murderous purge, particularly Tiddles gets going. It will be worse than Pakistan.

Stay away from Tiddles opponents at all cost.

Roight. In response ter the blaggardly few whut re-peetedly is nickin' stuff in our own waters, we has formed

Residents
Against
Pirating
In
English
Riveria


RAPIER, we has a point....

Dear CRABS Party,

It has been brought the PEC's attention that you are taking your name alittle too seriously. Several residents have complained that they had live crusteaceans shoved in their letter boxes, with VOTE 1 written on them.

Can you please collect these unfortumate creatures and return them to the sea. Alternatively, we can share the spoils, as seafood is pretty darned expensive. Crab Bisque would go down a treat!

Regards,

C McGinty
PEC
Electoral Officer

Quote from: Bluenose on February 21, 2008, 08:29:14 PM

Quote from: DaveL on February 21, 2008, 01:20:59 AM
Dear SOP-sters

Welcome aboard. I look forward to seeing a new electoral commision building being constructed, should you win office (without my ballot rigging skills of course).

Yarrr.  Ye seem ter be under a misaprehenshun there matey,  We jest be 'onest about what we'll do when we be in power.  We jest as prepared as the werst o th' uthers to lie and cheat ter get elected.  'Ow much duzz yer ballot rigging skills cost? 

New Electoral Commission building, did Oi hear ye say?  Well, Oi knows a certain Chinese businessman who is lookin ter hinvest in the local area, Iffen ye loike Oi am sure Oi can arrange an hintroduckshun, he be mighty keen...

Is this the same Chinese fellar wot I had in me crew on The Big Brenda once. 

I asked im if he could do carpentry an he said no.

I asked im if he could mend sails, he said no.

I asked im if he could cook, he said no...

Oh well I said, ye can work on supplies.

Later in the voyage I went up on deck...'anyone seen that Chinese bloke what we took on last month?...

The Chinese fellar jumped out from behind a barrel and shouted "SUPPLISE!"

Dear Ms S. Gert,

The electoral commission has recieved a report that you are offering free drinks to every customer who pledeges you their vote.

* Can the Admiral Benbow afford to support your offer?
* Does the publican know you are doing this?
* Can I have a pint of Whinnying Nag at once?

To :Cecil McBunty
Electoral Officer
Portsmouth Electoral Commission

Mr. McBunty:

Yarrr, as oi was stumblin outta thee Benbow returning from thee shoppes church this mornin, oi found sumone as tacked broshures all up and down the dock. Sample henclosed:

(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/Candidate_Tiddles.jpg)

amd on thee back:

QuoteVOTE TIDDLES!
If Elected, Candidate Tiddles Promises:
A Bilge Rat in Every Pot
Amnesty For Mutineering Cats*
Cutlass and Pistol Control Laws Revoked
Renewed Sand Beaches in Portsmouth Harbor
Grog Will Be Served in Bowls
More Cats Appointed to Influential Posts
No Income Taxes on First Million Dubloons
Letters of Marque to Pursue Tiddle's Sworn Enemies

* Bounty Still in Effect on All Parrots

Yarrr, these campane promises gets more redikoolus all the toime: those wot don't have the forsayght to cultivate their own bilge rats don't deserve no handouts. Altho more cats in publick office won't make no difrence, so far as oi kin tell.

Arrrgh, thee last one has me sumwot worried, loike. How could ye no, hoiperthetickly, if ye are on the Sworn Enemies List? Be it anything loike thee No Fly List? Is it dangerous to associate wiv pyrates wot are on the List? Which queue window for them Letters of Marque?

Thankin' ye,
Pieces o Nine
Cap'n, The Mad Moggies Revenge

Dear Pieces,

Unfortunately, yes Tiddles has decided to run for the Lord Mayor's office. His Bilge rat army have registered en-masse to vote.

At last polling, Tiddles was rank favourte to oust Mayor Keith Liversausage as the new mayor of Portsmouth.

The electoral commission will contact his mortal enemy DaveL at once (for a small fee of course), should a small army be required to oust Tiddles from his anticipated dictatorship.

FSM help us all if Tiddles becomes the new Mayor!!

Your most concerned electoral officer.

C.McBunty

I imagine Ken Liversausage would be greatly relieved to escape all the kidnappings though!

Quote from: DaveL on February 29, 2008, 09:55:48 PM
Dear Ms S. Gert,

The electoral commission has recieved a report that you are offering free drinks to every customer who pledeges you their vote.

* Can the Admiral Benbow afford to support your offer?
* Does the publican know you are doing this?
* Can I have a pint of Whinnying Nag at once?

In response to your querry...
* yes the Benbow can support this offer-- it has been a very good year for cleaning out pockets of drunk patrons---- we are in the green all the way
* does the publican know? yes- they're under a table right now as they get extra free drinks just to keep 'em around (see note above)
*stop by any time for ye Whinnying Nag-- I'll make sure I order in extra so we don't run out

We, the undersigned, would like to point out that not everybody in this town is a bloody criminal, nor supports them in their nefarious activities. Our representative, Loony Bill the village idiot will be standing next to the door. We would ask the constables not to hobble the horses outside.

Yours sincerely,

The Proper, Decent, Law-abiding Citizens Party.

Registered Office: In the Cupboard under the Stairs. Or in the wardrobe. Under the bed, they'll never look there...

Sadly the Raving Monster Party is standing with a depleted membership. Loony Bill seems to have defected.

Curse him, and his inconsistency!

Very well, the Customs Officer will stand..

Where the Hell did he go? Quick down the bowling club! He won't get far, the chains'll weigh him down..

H'Announcement

The Raving Monster and Customs Officer Party make a late entry.

Nudge up. We need room here.

SOPP Fights Back!

We of the Sell Out Portsmouth Party, in response to all the other irresponsible promises made by the other parties pledge the following:

* TWO free bottles of Captain's Delight to every drunken sot scurrilous pirate concerned citizen wot pledges to vote for SOPP
* All positions in council will be filled by cats, they can't be enny werse than current lot.
* Free crab lunches every Wednesday for all comers at the council offices, wowsers excluded.
* All enemies of Tiddles to be removed from the Enemies of Tiddles List, upon payment of the proscribed bribe fee to the Mayor.
* All taxes abolished, except for the new sobriety tax to be levelled at a rate of 50 Cronin in the Dubloon on the per Diem income of anyone not found not to be drunk by the new Sobriety Inspectorate officers.
* Anyone found sober for ten days in a row to be sent to Coventry (or Manchester, or , well frankly, we don't care where so long as it's not Portsmouth).
* Free Gold Pass to Madam Fifi's for all pirate captains returning with a hold full of stolen treasure, upon payment of the new Portsmouth Mayoral Treasure Survey Fee, of 5% of the gross (this is a fee for service¹, not a tax).
* All barmaids to be entitled to one free bath at the council baths per week an a free bottle o' cologne, plus one tub o' rouge per quarter.


-----------
Notes:
1. The service bein we do not remove all the treasure from ye hold, ye blaggard.

Yarrr. Wen arrr thee canidates gonna post yer Arrr-Tube campane videos?

Quote from: pieces o nine on March 04, 2008, 05:00:44 AM
Yarrr. Wen arrr thee canidates gonna post yer Arrr-Tube campane videos?

We of the Concerned Residents About Buccaneer Standards (CRABS) party are working on it.

If only we could get Captain Cronan to stay afloat long enough to shoot the video!

Quote from: Bluenose on March 04, 2008, 02:48:50 AM
SOPP Fights Back!

We of the Sell Out Portsmouth Party, in response to all the other irresponsible promises made by the other parties pledge the following:

* TWO free bottles of Captain's Delight to every drunken sot scurrilous pirate concerned citizen wot pledges to vote for SOPP
* All positions in council will be filled by cats, they can't be enny werse than current lot.
* Free crab lunches every Wednesday for all comers at the council offices, wowsers excluded.
* All enemies of Tiddles to be removed from the Enemies of Tiddles List, upon payment of the proscribed bribe fee to the Mayor.
* All taxes abolished, except for the new sobriety tax to be levelled at a rate of 50 Cronin in the Dubloon on the per Diem income of anyone not found not to be drunk by the new Sobriety Inspectorate officers.
* Anyone found sober for ten days in a row to be sent to Coventry (or Manchester, or , well frankly, we don't care where so long as it's not Portsmouth).
* Free Gold Pass to Madam Fifi's for all pirate captains returning with a hold full of stolen treasure, upon payment of the new Portsmouth Mayoral Treasure Survey Fee, of 5% of the gross (this is a fee for service¹, not a tax).
* All barmaids to be entitled to one free bath at the council baths per week an a free bottle o' cologne, plus one tub o' rouge per quarter.


-----------
Notes:
1. The service bein we do not remove all the treasure from ye hold, ye blaggard.

I OBJECT! on the grounds that these are really bang-up ideas and that I want credit for them on me own. do ye needs a candidate by chance? If ye has a candidate I kin promise you a speedy removal from life the race for you so's I kin steps in................

Quote from: Griffin NoName on March 04, 2008, 01:22:12 AMLoony Bill seems to have defected.

Oi's not usually one to pick at spellin, but for the sake of electoral honesty, ye forgot an 'a' in that last word. ;D

Quote from: Pachyderm on March 03, 2008, 11:22:08 PM
We, the undersigned, would like to point out that not everybody in this town is a bloody criminal, nor supports them in their nefarious activities. Our representative, Loony Bill the village idiot will be standing next to the door. We would ask the constables not to hobble the horses outside.

Yours sincerely,

The Proper, Decent, Law-abiding Citizens Party.

Registered Office: In the Cupboard under the Stairs. Or in the wardrobe. Under the bed, they'll never look there...

DOH ! I missed the cue for Nutty Liam , I've been busy of late working on me cabin and galley as well repairing two others ships . Still looking for the cat as well .
I just noticed how vulnerable Auntie blackbeard's postings  over there and had to take some sort of action before some lanlubber troll messes with her posts .
This campaign I'm currently on is taking a lot of time as I write for three " clones " trying to get pirates back to #2 ...I'm slowly going Norman Bates...

I really don't think we can allow Norman Bates to stand for Mayor.

(http://eclectech.co.uk/b3ta/pirateprairiedog.jpg)

We, the Bilge Rats o' Portsmouth, dust protest dis here ee-lection.  We demands oir votin' rights.  Give us-ens the vote!

Oh...and

             Down with cats!

Sponsored by Bilge Rats for Civil Rights

Why that a fine portrait of Phil . Do you have one of Lil ?

Dear Candidates,

Can you please submit your slogans to the electoral office. We do have default slogans, if yer can't think of any. These include:

'Yes we can...bribe our way into office'
'Meee-owww'
'Grog Yes, Saucy Gert Yes, Mayor Yes'
'Insert 3 monosyllable words together and drum it into people's heads'

and many others.

Regards,

Cecil McBunty

SCABS slogan

vote for us or we'll shoot you

Quote from: Aphos on March 05, 2008, 07:28:51 AM
(http://eclectech.co.uk/b3ta/pirateprairiedog.jpg)

We, the Bilge Rats o' Portsmouth,

dust nominate Phil Thee Hamster For Magistrate !  He Stands Up against Thee Spawn of Tiddles !. 


Sponsored by Bilge Rats for Civil Rights

(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/Candidate_Tiddles.jpg)

VOTE TIDDLES OR DIE TRYING!

Quote from: pieces o nine on March 06, 2008, 08:38:31 AM
(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/Candidate_Tiddles.jpg)

VOTE TIDDLES OR BE SWARMED BY RATS !

DOES YE LOT WISH FER FLEAS ?! ?

Does ye lot wish fer Plague !?! ...

Thats what ye will get if ye don't vote for me !...

I has the Experience against our common foe !...
Me battle scArrs tell the tails of me legendArry exploits ! .

Vote for me and vote for yer futures !

MeeeeeOoooWrrrrr

RAPIER

We gets the point

The Proper, Decent, Law-abiding Citizens Party

^%$* it, move to London.

SCABS Announcement

We know for a fact that none of the other Mayoral hopefuls have any relevant experience

Hexperience? Hexperience?
Look wot that's got us. Nuffink!

CHANGE!
That's the tikket, lads. And no one be a bigger change than Tiddles!
(It be a bald-faced loi by the hopposishun that he be pretendin to be a cat, but akchurly be a sekrit bilge rat.)

Bilge Rats for Civil Rats

We demand the rat to vote!

Give us our rats!

Give us our rats!

Give us our rats!

Oh...and

            Down with Cats!

(http://b1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/00823/15/97/823747951_s.jpg)

Cap'n Phil says

Give us our Rats!!!


paid for by Bilge Rats for Civil Rats

(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/Candidate_button.jpg)

Wood ye loike a button, lad?

YARRR! Oi said, Wood ye loike a button, lad?

Good. Oi hexpect to see yer wearin hit proudly!

SCABS announcement

We wish to highlight our expertise.

We tolerate no scabs.

We keep infections of scabbishness down.

This brings peace and harmony to areas where our Mayors are h'installed.

Plain nice ordinary pirates are then able to go about their business.

VOTE SCABS: you know it makes sense

You know all the others will sell out Portsmouth anyway, why not be in with a share of the spoils?

VOTE 1 Sell Out Portsmouth Party!

I jus received this at the Benbow in a large unmarked envelope-- I opened it as usually whot comes thisa way is jus anuther attempt to bribe ol Saucy Gert! Imagines me surprise to find not a bribery somefink or other (and stop sining them Mr. Mayor-- they supposed to be anonymouse)
anywho it were this
me finks it suppsed to be tha firs entry into tha televisioned debates.....

HERE  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQvRZOiYQ1I)

Dear Punksatawny Phil,

I'm afraid you capmaign slogan may be in danger of repeating itself over and over...which come to think of it, is exactly what's happening in most elections anyway...so keep up the good work!!

Repetition wins elections...just ask Mr Yes-we-can!

Kind Regards,

C.McBunty

Quote from: Aphos on March 07, 2008, 04:36:26 AM
(http://b1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/00823/15/97/823747951_s.jpg)

Cap'n Phil says

I promise to end winter soon!!! I'll stick 'em right up to 'arr


paid for by Rodents Benevolent Society

(http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:v38t9tK-87myjM:http://bp2.blogger.com/_OBCprdLoENk/RZ2-CilRWmI/AAAAAAAAALA/7T-6lHzHVtM/s400/fufu_pirate.jpg)

Cap'n Phil says...

We'uns deemands suffrage fer all Rodents!!!

and

    Kick Out The Cats!


Paid for by Rodents for a Better Portsmouth

Rodents Are People, Too.

Give Rodents The Vote!





Paid for by Rodents Against Tyranny and Scurvy cats

(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/Candidate_button_2.jpg)

I be TIDDLES! an oi happroved this message!

Fall in loine ye whiskered blaggarrrds or face thee consekwenses!

(http://farm1.static.flickr.com/98/253721838_c09acfe2c7_m.jpg)


Cap'n Phil says

Gives 'em er broadside

Urnless we'uns gets ter vote!



Paid for by Rodents Against Tyranny and Scurvy cats

Vote for Lil

For Lady Mayor o' Portsmouth

(http://z.about.com/d/collectdolls/1/0/V/G/angelina2.jpg)

Paid for by

Rodents

Against

Tyranny and

Scurvy cats

Vote SCABS for Mayor

Choose any one of us.

Roll up, roll up.

PICK YER SCABS  !!


Yaaaaaargh!

Lil be a foine goil.


We be Bilge Rats and We Hay-proov o' this here massage...er...message.

Quote from: Aphos on March 11, 2008, 03:01:51 AM
Lil be a foine goil.


We be Bilge Rats and We Hay-proov o' this here massage...er...message.

YArrrr...nice dress. She's got my vote!

Vote SOPP:

We'll get in power, then sell out to the rats!  (Or whoever offers us the most money, yarrr!)

Vote SOPP and get two for the price of one!

Vote SOPP and get more than you bargain for!


:yar:

Quote from: Griffin NoName on March 11, 2008, 03:06:19 PM

Pcik Yer SCABS !  Pick yer SCABS !

even Monty Python crew could not top this--- and they are the first to admit that the English are nutters.

we should do tees at the shop

Apparently they've been doing cream teas during all the flooding in Cornwall yesterday ;D

Griffin     :kisshands:


seriously-- I would very likely buy and wear a tee-shirt that said Pick your SCABS! and some of the others--- as long as the SCABS part was spelled out and Toadfish was on there somewhere with a link to our place. That would make them gag at Wal-Mart and that is the point behind most of what I do-- try and see if Wal-Mart will ban me. (ever open up and pour out a can of beef stew at Wal-Mart, with barfing noises ??) they don't think it's funny, but trust me it is. Yes I am very naughty!
this is way

Quote from: anthrobabe on March 11, 2008, 03:23:30 PM
seriously-- I would very likely buy and wear a tee-shirt that said Pick your SCABS! and some of the others--- as long as the SCABS part was spelled out and Toadfish was on there somewhere with a link to our place.

Perhaps Bart or Pieces would design it?

VOTE TIDDLES!

Tiddles!
Tiddles!
He's our Cat!
He can beat out any rat!
Gooooooooooo TIDDLES!

Quote from: anthrobabe on March 11, 2008, 03:23:30 PM
Griffin     :kisshands:


...... (ever open up and pour out a can of beef stew at Wal-Mart, with barfing noises ??) they don't think it's funny, but trust me it is....

Do you really do that ?

Vote for CRABS, you know it makes sense.

Vote Lil

Best Mouse in the House

----------------------------------------

Rodents
Against
Tyranny and
Scurvy cats

Vote SOPP

Hell, we'll sell off bits of Portsmouth to ALL the other candidates.

Vote SOPP and get CATS, RATS, CRABS and SCABS!

(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/Candidate_button.jpg)
VOTE TIDDLES!
You know in your hearrrt he's rrroight.


Credit for the official campaign button photo: Richarrrd Avedon.

Portsmouth Pirate News exclusive...

Tiddles Not a True Pirate!

Sources reveal Tiddles worked for Royal Navy as Ship's Cat

Lord Crusty (1751- ) was born to impovorished parents in Lower Middle Midsummer-on-the-Water. By the age of 3 he had taught himself to read and play the madolin.  He wrote his first play aged 6, seven concertos in C minor by the age of 8, and bought his first casino aged 9. At this point his life took a downturn when Fingers Malone took the casino off him during a game of poker. Never daunted, LC went straight out and bought another casino. This was the start of a long battle with Fingers Malone which was to ultimately teach LC how to come out on top. The relationship between the two came to an abrupt end when an unknown benefactor paid for LC to go up to Magdelene College, Cambridge. There LC was to hone his skills and start a chain of restaurants. The college provided the perfect backdrop for this enterprising young man and he was greatly influenced by his Tutor, Peregrine Fickle-Fart with whom he loved to play mandolin duets. Never one to let the grass grow under his feet, LC went on to take up a pupillage under Sir Roland Rushington-Smythe-Smithers QC in Greys Inn and was called to the bar the same year. Stunning his contempories, LC executed a swift career change training as a pilot for the Queen's fleet. This was a shrewd move. As the Flying Lawyer, LC consolidated his experience, being able to take on court cases anywhere at a moment's notice. It was his curious combination of skills that led LC to Portsmouth when the Crown Prosecution service needed a lawyer in a hurry for the famous Casino Royale v. Big Ron's Restaurant case. The long running case has meant that LC has spent many happy times in Portsmouth and come to know and appreciate all it has to offer. We are truly graced to have him as our official candidate.

(http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh158/roger_dillman/justsayno.jpg)

Quote from: Bruder Cuzzen on March 11, 2008, 06:35:19 PM

Quote from: anthrobabe on March 11, 2008, 03:23:30 PM
Griffin     :kisshands:


...... (ever open up and pour out a can of beef stew at Wal-Mart, with barfing noises ??) they don't think it's funny, but trust me it is....

Do you really do that ?

yes I have done this--- not currently -I am a respectable almost but not quite middle aged lady now a days    ;)        But yes I have done some things that are extremely nasty and naughty.... but highly entertaining(still do at times- but no stew in a while). my daughters swear that the reason a person can not get into an alarm clock (packaging, tape, plastic covers, etc) at a store now is because of 'people like me' who would set all the alarms to go off at 2 minute intervals then just stick around to see how pissed people could get--- once upon a time there was a list of 20 things to do at Wal-Mart while bored floating around- yes I did do them all(most of them anyway). Life is just too short to be boring----- and since I've done my stint working at such places I think I should brighten their day a bit--- I do not and have never harrased waiters/waitresses or actual sales clerks who were working actively------ just the random smeggers who have time to lean about and look cute.

SCABS announcement

Rumours of Lord Crusty being hospitalised after a fight with Borat Johnson over Crusty's successful official candidate bid have no foundation in truth. Lord Crusty was admitted for removal of his appendix after an evening in The Admiral Benbow with Borat where they were discussing election strategy. Borat is of course delighted that his friend and co-SCABS member is standing. We are all delighted that Lord Crusty is standing again as a prostrate body is not impressive. Borat is likely to be appointed Vice-Mayor if Lord Crusty wins the election. Borat is fully aware what an important role Vice-Mayor is and he has been carrying out extensive research into the skills needed for successful Vicing.

(http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh158/roger_dillman/crustyclown.jpg)

SCABS Announcement

Borat Johnson will be answering questions on behalf of Lord Crusty tonight in The Admiral Benbow.

Several people have expressed interest in his statement today that "rival candidate Lil is just another piccalilly and no threat to the SCABS candidacy" and he has all the informtaion at his fingertips.

Vote SCABS !!  Vote CRUSTY !!

An ominous assortment of tough-looking cats and bilge rat minions has been spotted skulking about the alley behind the Admiral Benbow and various polling places. No confimation yet on their intentions and whether they are random individuals or players in a larger scheme. Updates as this story develops....

(http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh158/roger_dillman/stuffballot.jpg)



(http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh158/roger_dillman/approvemessage.jpg)

Aphos , this running rodent gag you have going is busting me gutz . HARRRR arr arr arr arr....Harr har har har...

Oh heck, just when I though Tiddles was bad enough  :o ;D

An Aaaarrggghhhuusss Special Election Report.

A number of very shady looking characters were seen tonight outside the back of the Admiral Benbow, apparently talking to a large contingent of rats, cats and mice.  There may have been a few crabs as well.  After much whispered conversation, unfortunately not overheard by our correspondent despite all the expensive spy gear issued to him by this organ, there were three loud cheers and the rodent and feline (and crustacean) crew dispersed.  Our interpid reporter noticed that all these seemed to be carrying large wads of what looked like money as well as the combined odours of cheese, fish and what one passerby described as a "certain crabby sort of smell".  The apparent ring leaders were not identified, but one witness claims he saw a SOPP lapel badge on one, although this cannot be confirmed.

:offtopic:

Aphos was asking me how I came up with SCABS.

Quote from: Griffin NoName on February 20, 2008, 11:57:02 PM
Me party stands fer wipin' owt scurvy and scurvy bastards.

In the UK "scabs" is a derogatory term used to refer to people who continue to work when trade unionists go on strike action, also known as crossing the picket line. If you lived through the 70's here you know all about scabs LOL!!

Wiki:: Some say that the word comes from the idea that the "scabs" are covering a wound. However, "scab" was an old-fashioned English insult. "Blackleg" is an older word and is found in the old folk song, Blackleg Miner, which has been sung by many groups.


Aaaargh!! SCABS is Blacklegs !!   

(http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh158/roger_dillman/supportrats.jpg)


I wish to thank all those who are giving their support to RATS.

EDIT:

Quote from: Griffin NoName on March 13, 2008, 03:53:00 PM


In the UK "scabs" is a derogatory term used to refer to people who continue to work when trade unionists go on strike action, also known as crossing the picket line. If you lived through the 70's here you know all about scabs LOL!!

BTW, Griffin, scabs is a term used for union buster here in the US, too.

YArrrghh,

I think Saucy Gert is the only human left in this contest.

Quote from: DaveL on March 14, 2008, 08:52:26 PM
YArrrghh,

I think Saucy Gert is the only human left in this contest.

You claim Lord Crusty and Borat Johnson are non-humans?  They'll come eat you for their supper.

Portsmouth Pirate News presents

SCABS Announcement

SCABS supporters have launched a campaign to give food parcels to the deserving poor of Portsmouth.

Each citizen will be given three tomatoes, two eggs, a large lettuce and 20 LB assorted cheeses.

The hand outs began earlier this week.

SOPP Announcement

Don't be fooled by SCABS phony handouts, VOTE SOPP and get cold hard cash!!!

We'll sell out Portsmouth and share the loot around!

Free rum for all scurvy swabs!

All captains receive a free pass to Madam Fifi's!

All cats get 10 Kg of anchovies!

All rats get 20 Kg of cheese!

Mice receive 3 bushels of wheat!

DaveL gets three new pink dresses!

No fish head stew for you!

SOPP - the party for everyone!  Whatever you like, we have a bribe benefit for you!

VOTE SOPP!

(http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh158/roger_dillman/bakesale.jpg)



(http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh158/roger_dillman/approvemessage.jpg)

Portsmouth News

Poisoned Flour

Batches of poisoned flour have been removed from supermarket shelves this morning. The police are investigating the source of the poison.

Unfortunately a bulk sale of flour went out before it was discovered the batches were poisoned. This sale was made at The Healthy Bake Shoppe and paid in cash so the purchaser is unknown. However the till receipt was found on the floor so some information is available. If you know of anyone who may have purchased in bulk huge quantities of flour and chocolate powder and is also likely to have had some excessively dog-eared and filthy pound notes, please advise them to contact the police immediately. Should you wish to shop them, the police will maintain your privacy.

I can't remember what party I be representin...I blames the grog wot came my way from the RATS party last noight! 

Well I can't tell the difference tween a nice fat rat an half o the oomans wot drink in the Admiral Benbow...infact the Rats be less hairy!

Portsmouth Pirate News Special Report


Quantities of poisoned flour have been found on store shelves in Portsmouth.  The poison is reported to cause one to lick themselves and cough up hairballs.  Doctors say a shot of rum will counter the effects of the poison.  Few cases have been reported.


Candidate for mayor Tiddles was admitted to a local hospital last night.  Confidential sources say the cat was suffering from an overdose of chocolate.  The unconscious cat was found near a pile of hairballs and was rushed to the emergency room.

Portsmouth Aaaaaargus

Chocolate Cake Scandal

Police have issued a warrant for the arrest of Cap'n Phil and Lil after the following bake sale was brought to their attention by an anonymous caller. The charge is expected to be providing fouled produce to the public after ignoring a product recall.

Anyone continuing to display posters in their windows such as these below may also face charges.

Quote from: Aphos on March 16, 2008, 06:35:58 AM
(http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh158/roger_dillman/bakesale.jpg)



(http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh158/roger_dillman/approvemessage.jpg)

The Aaaaaaaaaaargus has been asked by police to alert the public to these dangerous criminals.

Portsmouth Aaaaaargus

REWARD OFFERED!
Mayoral Candidate Captain Tiddles is shown below recovering at an undisclosed location after being rushed to hospital following alleged poisoning following his civic patronage of a local charity bake sale.

An anonymous spokeweenie for the Portsmouth constabulary confirmed rumors that warrants have been issued for the arrest of another mayoral candidate, Captain Phil and his accomplice Lil, to further investigate claims in this matter. A reward of 1,000 Cronans has been set aside for information leading to the arrest and execution of all the guilty parties in this terrible affair.

Captain Tiddles lost almost 2 pounds but is reported to be in stable condition after emergency room technicians pumped his stomach of "astonishing quantities" of rum, fish heade stewe and tainted chocolate late last night. Medical personnel hope for the best, as their continuing practice in Portsmouth hinges upon his full and speedy recovery.

In a statement released to the press, CaptainTiddles reminded voters that "These sorts o' shenanigans, compromisin the 'ealth an saftey o' Portsmoufs citizenry, will not be tolerated under a Tiddles Mayorship! Vote Tiddles an save yer misrabull loives, ye scurvy hungrateful landlubbers."

Captain Tiddles also added a hearty "thankee" to all who sent notes of encouragement and support.

(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/Tiddles_sick.jpg)

Portsmouth Pirate News Special Report


FLOURGATE

A whistle blower (also known as a bosun) in the SCABS campaign headquarters has come forward to authorities admitting that SCABS were responsible for last night's poisoned chocolate cake.  Members of the SCABS inner circle are reported to have placed the poison in barrels of flour all around town.

Cap'n Phil and Lil turned themselves in to the constables late last night.  Because of this new information, all charges have been dropped by the authorities and Cap'n Phil and Lil are cooperating with the investigation.

Tiddles Recovering

Candidate for Mayor Tiddles is reported to be recovering after coughing up an enormous hairball.  Tiddles is quoted as saying, "The best damned chocolate cake I ever had."

Portsmouth Aaaaaargus Special Report


Who Are P&L Holdings ?  The Poisoned Flour Mystery Deepens

The Whistling Bosun, as he has come to be known (tautologically), from the SCABS campaign team, has been revealed as a plant. He claims he was paid 5,0000 Cronan by a company called P&L Holdings to infiltrate the SCABS and bring in a distribution firm to substitute barrels at supermarkets. He claims he did not know what was in the barrels.

The police have traced P&L Holdings to a rat hole but a strike at the Police Diggers Association is holding up excavations necessary to get through the entrance which has been filled with concrete in what looks to be a rather hurried and slapdash fashion.

Portsmouth Pirate News 
All the News that's Unfit to Print

Investigative Report



PPN reporters have traced ownership of P&L Holdings to a Miss Petunia Cat, great aunt of mayor candidate Tiddles.  However, our sources have also discovered that Miss Petunia also works as a ratter for current Mayor of Portsmouth, Lionel S. Farnswallow.

When confronted with the connection, the Right Honorable Farnswallow replied, "Well, looks like politics as usual.  At least no one has died yet.  Just a bunch of hairballs.  Not like four years ago.  All that's best forgotten, you know."

Another link to the current mayor has also been uncovered.  PPN has identified the Whistling Bosun as Cornelius Farnswallow, the current mayor's nephew.

Portsmouth Aaaaaaargus 


Miss Petunia Cat is to sue the Portsmouth Pirate News over false allegations by their investigative journalists. The truth about P&L Holdings, at the centre of Whistling Bosun scandal, is still unclear, although some involvement of the Farnswallow family, as reported by the PPN, seems likely.

Editorial
~~~~~
The dreadful affairs relating to the election of a new Mayor for Portsmouth has now spilled over into the media. We must all search our consciences in these difficult times where tough editorial decisions over content are vital. If we are to avoid a complete breakdown of services in Portsmouth, we must all take our responsibilities seriously. Of course, the Police Diggers Association strike, coming at this time of strife is at the least unfortunate. Some may say the timing can not be coincidental. Public bodies all have a duty to the public and we can only do our best to continue to report honestly and transparently.

Portsmouth Pirate News
All the News that's Unfit to Print

Our continuing investigation of Flourgate has revealed that Miss Petunia's name and signature are on the letters of incorporation of P&L Holdings.  However, constabulary handwriting experts believe her paw print may have been forged.  Miss Petunia is still considered a person of interest, but is not a suspect at this time.

When questioned by this reporter about his involvement, the Right Honorable (cough cough) Farnswallow stated, "No Comment."

In regards to Miss Petunia's civil suit against this paper, PPN shysters lawyers hold that the paper is not responsible under the Absence of Malice Clause.


I am Miss Lil, and I wish to say a few words to the electorate.  These are trying times, and a nefarious person or persons unknown are attempting to derail this campaign.

Well, let me say this...People have a right to free chocolate cake!

(http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh158/roger_dillman/approvemessage.jpg)

Oh, and Just Say No To Cats!

Portsmouth Aaaaaaargus


Liversausage Speaks!

Mayor Keith Liversausage held a press conference today to launch an official inquiry into the recent, tragic events swirling about the Portsmouth mayoral elections which some pundits have dubbed "Flourgate."

His Honor also bitterly denounced the "low standards of tabloid journalism so prevalent at the Portsmouth Pirate News" which has repeatedly referred to "current Mayor of Portsmouth, Lionel S. Farnswallow." Worse, the mysterious Farnswallow family seems to be embroiled up to their back teeth in implications surrounding the attempted murder of Candidate Tiddles and anyone else sampling the tainted cake at a recent RATS fundraiser.

"I just want to reassure the good citizens of Portsmouth that I am, in fact the mayor! That I have been  the mayor! And that I intend to go on being  the mayor!" Liversausage declaimed to the assembled crowd. "Moreover, this Farnswallow chap has never been more than a low-level civic servant. He most certainly has not been entrusted with any serious civic responsibility or decision-making powers. That he and his family would attempt to foist this charade upon the fine citizens of Portsmouth shows  how low some people will go in an attempt to gain power. I want to reassure my constituents that neither I, my staff, nor my family have had anything to do with the terrible plot unraveling, nor any contact with the Farnswallows. Vote Liversausage!"

A spokesperson for Portsmouth City Hall confirmed that Lionel S. Farnswallow is, in fact, a low-level clerk and not the mayor, as he has been purporting himself to be. "We have no idea how this mix-up could have occurred, but rest assured that it will not occur again." promised the anonymous official.

Calls placed to the editorial staff at the Portsmouth Pirate News, which has repeatedly referred to the Farnswallow family as holding the political reins in Portsmouth throughout the scandal, have not been returned.

thank goodness there are some other copywriters on the Aaaaaargus!!  It's my day off.

Portsmouth Pirate News
All the News that's Unfit to Print

The convoluted story of Flourgate just seems to get more...well...convoluted.

The latest chapter in the saga of Flourgate is the appearance of one Keith Liversausage.  Sources have confirmed that the mysterious Liversausage is in fact an escapee from the Portsmouth Home for Demented Pirates.

Liversausage has been diagnosed as delusional.  He has claimed at various times to be Jesus Christ, Napoleon and Papa Smurf.  His condition is believed to be the result of eating too much fish head stew.

Portsmouth Pirate News
All the News that's Unfit to Print

Who Is Mayor of Portsmouth?

Records reveal that Lionel S. Farnswallow is indeed NOT the elected mayor of Portsmouth.  He is actually the executive secretary of the third assistant mayor.  When interrogated badgered interviewed by this reporter, Mr. Farnswallow stated, "Well, I AM the acting mayor.  See, everyone else in City Hall went on a golfing vacation to the Bahamas, and I was left in charge.  That was three years ago."

So who is the elected mayor?  No one seems to be able to answer that question.  All records of our last election seem to have been destroyed.  And there was that awful mess at the Admiral Benbow.  Most people feel all that is best forgotten.

Quote from: Aphos on March 17, 2008, 10:53:42 PM
The latest chapter in the saga of Flourgate is the appearance of one Keith Liversausage.  Sources have confirmed that the mysterious Liversausage is in fact an escapee from the Portsmouth Home for Demented Pirates.

Yarr!  Oi didunt knows we 'ad our own 'ome?  Why wasent we telled this? :yar:

Arrrrrr...Ye've been livin in it for the last two year matey...the nurses will be round wiv yer dose in a minute.

Portsmouth Aaaaaaargus

Letters to Editor

Editer:

This morning I found a bakskit o'chocolut heggs outside me cabin door. Upon hopenin one of thee heggs, oi found a pollytickal message hendorsin one ov thee mayoral candidates. (Oi don' loike ter sais who, until oi knows wot oi be dealin' wiv.)

Lookin aroun' roight sharp (or as sharp as me bleary good oi can manage after a noight ov drinkin Captain's Delight an' Brasso chasers) oi noticed wot oi fink were Pyrate Scouts scurryin away wiv similar bakskits swinging from their trainin' hooks.

Me consern is wether the chocolate heggs be safe ter consoome, after thee recent tragick hevents wiv the RATS bake sale. Also, oi dint know that thee Pyrate Scouts ave been subverted, loike, hinto political pawns, rather than studyin respecktable piratin skillz.

Oi'm countin on thee crack reporters ov thee Portsmouth Aaaaaaargus to cover this storie and present thee facks for all ter see.

Fankin' ye in hadvance-
Cap'n Pieces o Nine

Portsmouth Aaaaaaargus

Letters to Editor

Dear Editor:

I be 8 years old.
Some of me littel friends say there be no Heaster Parrot.
Papa sais, "If you see hit in the Aaaaaaargus it be so."
Please tell me thee truf; be there a Heaster Parrot?

VIirginia O'Hanlon
(gran daughter o' thee Rt. Rev. Monsignor "Cannon" O'Hanlon)
115 West Ninety-Fifth Street
Portsmouth

Vote fer the CRABS party...

and we'll make sure there be an Easter Parrot...

even if we has ta stuff it an stick it on yer perch wiv superglue!

The CRABS party

SLOGAN: You can believe our promises but ye wont loik em.

Portsmouth Pirate News
All the News that's Unfit to Print

People Section

After a hard day's work o' hiding Heaster Eggses, the Heaster Parrot was seen cruisin' the pubs o' Portsmouth last night.  On 'is arm was the voluptuous Miss Pirgilla.  After tasting the grog at several hestablishments, the couple ended up at the Admiral Benbow, where they were seen snoggin' in a dark corner.

It is reported, though, that the Parrot was carried 'ome by 'is buds after consuming too much Cap'n's Delight.

PIRGELLAAAAARRRRGH!

Ye be a roight slag!

Dear Candidates (or is that Candied Dates?),

The following harrangements have been made for ye to address the Portsmouth Public. Please submit your policy speeches. I will convene the event.

1. Venue - The Scurvy Rex Stadium, Portsmouth;

2. Date/Time 14 April, 1708, commencing at 2pm.

3. Topic - 'Why you should helect me as the Mayor of Portsmouth'

4. Time Limit - 15 minutes, subject to a small donation of course, then 30 minutes

5. Expert Panel:

- Mr Ronald McGregor (Big Ron) - Portsmouth Chamber of Commerce;
- Madame Fifi (no surname supplied) - Portsmouth Chamber of Pleasure;
- Mr Scuppers McGee - Portsmouth Dockside Workers Association (aka The Dockside Thugs);
- Mr Black Spot - The Piratica Football Club (thugs on and off the field);

We will see you all at the Scurvy Rex, where you will address a packed stadium of feisty cut throats, concerned townsfolk and in some cases, a bit of both.


Koind Regards,

Mr Cecil McBunty
Portsmouth Electoral Commission

Dear Mr Cecil

Oi hobjects ter the inclusiun of Mr Black Spot on ther panel. E be no expert on nuffin'.

Yours

Borat Johnson

An extract from Janet 'Back Alley' Portside's interview with mayoral candidate Borat Johnson:

Janet: Well Borat, what do you think of the Biography that's just come out entitled 'Shhhhhhh, don't tell my wife.'

Borat: I don't think the voting public give a monkey about that sort of thing.  All the voting public are concerned about is that whoever wins the election for Mayor will put all their energies into the job.

Janet: Yes but it looks like you'll be putting 'ALL' your energy into bonking someone at Madame Fifi's.

Borat: The man on the street doesn't give a monkey about that sort of thing.

Janet:  Mayor Liversausage has been kidnapped and held to ransom several times, are you concerned for your personal safety if elected?

Borat I intend to employ 'The Dark Avenger' as my personal body guard...I will be tough on Pirates and tough on the causes of Piracy.

Janet You've never actually been to Portsmouth have you?

Borat Where?

(http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh158/roger_dillman/responsetoDaveL.jpg)

I just said 'NO' to me ship's cat...

He looked at me sideways and went 'Meeeeeooooowww'.

Portsmouth Arrrrghus-- Special Afternoon Addition

This just in!
Breaking news!
Ye Bilge Rats Best Be Payin Attention!
THIS MEANS YOU!

It has come to the attention of ye intrepid reporter that Miss Saucy Gert Pettigrew, Head Ale Wench at the Admiral Benbow has come forward with a large packet of information concerning one or more of our esteemed candidates for mayor. Miss Pettigrew would like all to know that she will be holding a public 'unveiling' -her word- of the packets contents at 5 o'clock prompt in front of the Benbow today.

She stated,"Oi jus be finkin bout tha public interestin an all, being a good and proper member o this community me finks it be my solem and sacred duty to bring ta lite some o the doins o thse so called chandidates."

Miss pettigrew then batted her eyes at your intrepid reporter and asked him whot secrets 'e mite be hidin and would like everyone to know that until the 'unveiling' she can be found dock-side, in plain public view, with several hired body guards, and wearing BB industries superiour fit body armour- should anyone feel it necessary to visit with her to attempt to find out what is in said packet, the large case at her feet will be empty sould anyone feel it necessary to bring along a few tokens of affection for the great job she is doing in getting this word out.

Who is named in Saucy Gerts information?
Are there photos?
Do you think the large case is for bribes?
Is the mayorial election in danger?

Updates as we get them!

SOPP Deny Any "Doings"

Sell Out Portsmouth Party Mayoral candidate Norbett "Smarmey" Shinybum said today in an exclusive interview that the SOPP was innocent of all allegations of alleged "doings".  "Saucy Gert's got nuffin on us.  No one saw us, she can't prove ennyfin.  We dun all our business in s strickly conferdenshul manner an no wun knows nuffin.  In partickyular we didunt bribe nowun - not evun th' rat catcher an' we didunt pay fer all the stray cats ter be rounded up and strangled, an we didunt supply all the drunken sots down by the quayside wiv a free case o' Cap'n's Delite fer promisin ter vote fer us.  Well, we did do that, but no wun saw us do it."

The candidates up the Anti in the Big Election:

Ken Liversausage claims to have more children by more wives than Borat Johnson.

Borat Johnson claims to have more ears than Ken Liversausage...but it's impossible to tell with all that hair.

Yarr ! Soze who be winnin' wot ? Who do Oi bribe to fix dish ear lecshun ?

Quote from: Bruder Cuzzen on April 05, 2008, 03:58:39 AM
Yarr ! Soze who be winnin' wot ? Who do Oi bribe to fix dish ear lecshun ?

ME!

Wotevver 'e offers we double it!  Plus an extra share in the spoils wen we sell it all!

SOPP, you favourite bunch of vagrants...

Portsmouth Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargus

Mayoral Elections Super Scares


Two serious cases of vote rigging has been uncovered by the electoral commission.

It would appear that some parties (names witheld) are offering unspecified (details witheld) rewards for votes. Unable to get to the bottom of this, the electoral commission intends to apply a rarely used vote-standarisation formula - known as The Winksworth Adjustment - to the votes cast.

The second scam is thought to involve floating voters. Vessels have been puting into Portsmouth Harbour in unprecedated numbers. Where these ships have come from is a mystery but the likelihood of polling booths being swamped is now becoming a certainty. Over-voting, as it is known, is a threat to a fair outcome and has to be taken seriously.

Overheard in a dark corner at the back of Admiral Benbow...

Voice 1:  'Ere, dyer see wot it sez 'ere?  Th' 'lectrical comisshun reckon we bin out offerin 'un-spec-if-ied' rewards fer votes!

Voice 2: The blaggards!  We bin out there buyin votes fair and square - one bottle o' Captain's Delight per vote and a share in the proceeds wen we sells up Portsmouth.  Nuffin fairer than that, eh?

Voice 1: Yer, an' it reckons we bin bringin in ship loads o strangers ter rig the votin.

Voice 2: Cor, why didunt we fink o' that? Oi better go an talk ter Smarmey and Bluenose an see iffen we can get in a few shiploads ourselfs.  Seeyer...

Voice 1:  Yer, seeya.

Portsmouth Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargus

Harbour Scandal

Portsmouth Harbour is full !!

In a desperate attempt the council has been clamping suspicious vessels and demanding 5000 Cronan for release prior to being towed out into deep water if the fee is not paid within 2 hours.

Other news.

Doubts have surfaced about the electoral commision's Winksworth-Adjustment formula. Protestors have been complaining that a nod's as good as a wink.

Portsmouth Pirate News
All the News that's Unfit to Print

Where They Comin' From?

Hun'erts of bilge rats 'ave been reported being seen in the street o' Portsmouth.  No one has been able to identifies where these rats came from or 'oo they be.  On several occasions, tho, they has been o'erheard chantin' "No More Cats".

Arrrrrr...has yer seen that film Nosferatu?...That Cronan feller be followed about by hundreds o rats the legend has it.

Cronan's rats...

Arrrgh...I think there be a resemblance:

(http://www.talkingpix.co.uk/Nosferatu%20Comp.jpg)

Portsmouth Pirate News
All the News that's Unfit to Print

ARE VAMPIRES STALKING PORTSMOUTH?

Portsmouth Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargus

DREADFUL SHIPWRECK!

The Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargus regrets to inform its readers that thee recent freake storm has wrought thee wreckage of thee good shippe Demeter. A sole, frail survivor was pulled from thee wreckage and taken to nearby Sanitarium. Dr. Johnathan Seward declined to reveal thee identity of thee unfortunate man, his condition, or any prognosis for his recovery. An unidentified source close to thee Sanitarium confirmed that a telegraph has been sent for a specialist colleague of Dr. Seward's to travel to Portsmouth to consult.

Thee Porstmouth Constabulary and Dock Authority have undertaken recovery measures of thee Wrecke of thee Demeter before notifying her London underwriters. They will neither confirm nor deny that fifty bound boxes of soil samples were discovered, largely intact, amongst thee flotsam and jetsam. Any citizens found plundering thee wrecke independently assisting with thee recovery efforts will be clamped in gaol.

Meanwhile, Mayor Keith Liversausage is encouraging all Portsmouth citizens to "Remain calm, avoid rumor-mongering and baseless speculation, and register to vote in an orderly fashion to ensure a smooth and above-board election."

My god...this is all beginning to make sense...the wreck of the ship...I'm getting a flash back to the Long Winded Tales of yore:

Castle Cronan - a Gothic Tale of Terror

I am a young lawyer, though looking at me you would perhaps believe me to be much older.  The tale I am about to tell you is one of unimaginable terror and is not for the faint hearted.

One day as I sat at my desk in Portsmouth, a missive arrived by the post from London, which at once attracted my ernest attention.   As I opened the thick vellum envelope and removed it's contents, my nostrils were at once assailed by an odour of death and decay, as if the stench came from the bowels of a tomb (curiously after I'd removed the remnants of what appeared to be a gristle sandwich from the envelope the smell evaporated).

In the letter I was instructed to offer my services to one 'Captain Cronan' and when I looked at the advance payment therein, I made up my mind to act upon the letter's instructions at once.   Without further ado I made my preparations and that very night found me on a tall ship bound for the Eastern Mediterranean.

I journeyed ever Eastward, by ship to the eastern shores of the Adriatic and then onward by coach into the dark and mysterious land of the Cronanian Mountains.  In the foothills of the mountains we stopped at an Inn for the night.  The food, though not to our fine Portsmouth standards and heavily seasoned with Paprika, was palatable enough and the wine was quite drinkable.  As I made ready to retire to my room the young, buxom, peasant girl who had been serving my table, made inquiry as to where I was journeying in this land.  In response I said I was bound for the residence of one 'Captain Cronan'...as the words left my mouth, the whole Inn fell silent at once and the peasant girl gasped and fell into a dead swoon!

"Do not mention that name within these walls" said the Landlord, "you will bring a curse upon our heads! ...I advise you not to continue with your journey Englishman...go back to Portsmouth if you value your life!"

As I don't speak a word of Cronanian, however, I went to bed wondering what all the fuss was about and next morning set off for Castle Cronan in good spirits.

As we approached the grim edifice of the castle by a mountain pass,however, my spirits soon dampened.  Wolves howled and dark winged creatures screeched in the mist.  Any other traffic seemed to be heading very quickly away from the castle.  A horse and cart, with the words 'Laphroaig bulk shipment'  on it's side, rattled by driven by a dark, hooded figure,   Suddenly my driver pulled up his horses...he would take me no further.   As the coach disappeared into the mist I stood alone, clutching my luggage and staring up at Castle Cronan.

With an odd feeling of foreboding I approached the great gothic doors of the castle, I rapped on the door with a huge knocker, curiously shaped like a bottle of Leffe Brune.  After what seemed like about as much time as it takes to get served in the Admiral Benbow,  the door slowly creeked open.   A tremendous urge came over me to flee that place and never to return.    But the doors opened wide and there stood Captain Cronan.  I cannot describe the Captain well as the thick mist which clung to the walls of his castle seemed to envelope the man aswell.  The general effect was one of extraordinary pallor.   

One strange thing I remember well.   As I stood outside in the cold I had drawn a hip flask full of whisky from my coat to sustain my spirits against the chill air.   When Cronan set eyes on the flask he shot out a bony hand, quicker than the blink of an eye, and drained the flask at one draft!

Although I had been engaged to help Captain Cronan procure the Estate of Earwax in Portsmouth, I was to be kept against my will in that castle for many weeks.   In that time I saw many strange things, forever surrounded by the odour of TCP and the howling of the wolves without.

I dined alone for I never saw Cronan eat.  One evening when I sat drinking some fine Moldovan wine,  Cronan approached and I offered him a glass..."No, thankyou" said the captain, "I only drink...Barley Wine".  What manner of man, or indeed creature, was Cronan.   One day I ventured into the very bowels of the castle.   In these dark, dank depths I found mounds of rotting paper fragments. The deepest of these paper slips had decayed into a pulp but the top most appeared fresher and strange words could be percieved on their surfaces: a number and always the word 'foode'.   Imagine my terror when out of this mound of decay rose the figure of Cronan hinself!   

Dear reader you can also imagine my horror when I learned that Cronan was about to take ship to my beloved England.  What destruction would he wreak in it's sleepy towns and hamlets,  what terror would he unleash on England's fair and unsuspecting people?
I lay awake at night, tossing (the thought of the buxom barmaid tormented my innocent mind), and fearing the worst if Cronan was to be unleashed on the British public.

I needn't have worried...the ship only got half way accross the Med before it sunk!

Thirty lashes with the barbed wire whip for Black Bart for posting such an abomnable Long Indegestible Tale and thrity more for it being in the wrong thread.

call the Evil Auntie...

Ye be a harsh one Cap'n Griff...it aint in the wrong thread it were replyin ta Pieces of Eight's fine evocashun of a certain vampire tale.

I loik vampire movies so go an pore yerself a grog an sit down an read...

Otherwise I'll write ye anuvver one!

And never find yerself in...The Cronanian Mountains at night.

In a dark corner at the Admiral Benbow.

Voice 1: Oi sees they got The Purchaser locked up in the Sanitarium.

Voice 2: Yer, Oi were a bit worried meself wen Oi aheared 'is ship be wrecked.  D'yer think 'is treasure be sekyure?

Voice 1:  Well Oi doubts that idiot Liversausage kuld organise a decent rekuvry operashun, we better get th' boys togetha tonight and go down there and get the loot fer safekeeping loike.

Voice 2: Goode ideer.  Also, Oi'l  talk too the Pyrate Scouts and arrange for them to bust The Purchaser out, Oi aheard the stillmaster say there were a room under the main storeroom at the stillery where 'e culd be kept out o' harms way loike until after th' eleckshun.

Voice 1:  Looks loike we got a plan then, let's doo it!

Quote from: Black Bart on April 10, 2008, 09:53:38 PM
Ye be a harsh one Cap'n Griff...it aint in the wrong thread it were replyin ta Pieces of Eight's fine evocashun of a certain vampire tale.

Oi gotter urn me keep as an Admin. Ye shuld ov evocashunned in Long Winded Tales and well ye knows it.

Sheer wikkedness.

If ye don't keel over an' happologise Oi'll set yer feet in concrete.

Meanwhile.... back ter the helecshiuns........

SCABS SCABS SCABS All fer SCABS an' SCABS fer ALL


Now that be a nice short catchy slogan.....mumble....mutter...mumble

Quote from: Black Bart
Ye be a harsh one Cap'n Griff...it aint in the wrong thread it were replyin ta Pieces of Eight's fine evocashun of a certain vampire tale.
...

Oo the 'ell be 'Pieces of Eight'?

Cronan's Curlers! Ave oi not made henuff ov an himpreshun for ye blaggarrrds ter get me name roight?

:: sulks in her meade cups ::

Aaargh, a thousand apologies matey or should I say Nine apologies...ye has my permission to call me Black Barf loik me dear Ol Mummy used ta afore I sold her to the Aztecs.

Now back to the Cronan saga...

CRONAN WALKS (staggers)AMONG US

A Gothic Tale o Terror

It were a dark and stormy night and the sign o The Admiral Benbow were swingin like a dead man in a gibbet...

Only joking...I knows a good lashin too well to tempt anuther one!

PORTSMOUTH AAAAAAAAAARGUS!

Terrible Tales


Police are on the look out for Black Barf a local nutter who has a sore affliction, the Telling of Long Winded Tales.

This local scoundral has been disrupting the hustings in the Mayoral elections. A certain amount of heckling is always to be expected but the interruption of our revered political hopefuls by the droaning drivel that pours from this man's mouth cannot be tolerated. Our candidates are lucky to get a word in edgeways and Portsmouth voters have been turning out in their thousands mounting vigilante searches for the dastardly fellow. It cannot be long before full scale rioting begins.

The police have asked for calm and tolerance but the voters truly have their spirits up. In the latest development, the angry crowd were last seen persuing a dark figure who had materialised in strange circumstances elsewhere in Europe.

It wasn't me! Don't yer be comin' at me wif yer lynch mobs an' burnin' pitchforks!

I didn't start tellin' ahl these 'ere Long-Windied Tales! Oi'm an innocent pyrate, jest tryin' 'is luck. Oi will admit that Switzerland moight not 'ave bin the best choice to get me galleon to, but they 'as lots o' money, see. An' me crew are so thick, they nevvir noticed the fields.....

Cronan Walks Among Us (Chapter 43)

Meanwhile high up in the Swiss Alps, on the craggy ramparts of an ancient castle, a dark figure gazed out into the swirling snow.   Cap'n Pachyderm was alone and far from hope, with only the 3 lusty Cronanian women to keep im company.  It seemed there was no escape from this crumbling edifice...Cap'n Pachyderm cursed Cronan to the very Mountain Tops: "Curse you Cronan", he cried, "why must my doom be thus..."

Suddenly an eerie yet irresistable voice answered from within the castle walls: "Oh Pachy darling, are you up for another foursome tonight?"

Meanwhile back in Portsmouth...


NEWS FLASH!

Portsmouth Electoral Commission Invaded

Portsmouth Electoral Commission Chairwoman Elizabeth Fetherbrane-Smythe today confirmed that the PEC had been overrun by Pyrate Scouts.  In a hastily put together press conference she stated "There were hundreds of the little baskits.  They're like ants!"

Passers-by of the PEC offices will not fail to notice the large poster draped across the front of the building saying "SELL OUT PORTMOUTH!  YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE!".

There has been no word from the invaders and Portsmouth Police are at a loss to explain what to do, as usual.

Cronan Walks among us (Chapter 12 - Old (Oz) Nick)

The handsome cab pulled up at number 8 Mitre Court, the thick fog muffled the sounds of a struggle from inside the cab.  Suddenly the door was flung open and a body tumbled out and onto the road..."Hic, this snot my ouse cab driver, hic" complained the body..."Oh yes it is mate...that's as far as you gets for half a nicker."

Capn Oz struggled unsteadily to his feet...'I shouldn't ave had those last 4 Captain's delights!'  As Nick tried to gather his thoughts his hand settled on a piece of paper inside his jacket pocket, he took it out and stared bleary eyed at the note:

'To be delivered by hand to: Captain Cronan, Fairflux Abbey, London'

At that moment the fog cleared to reveal a dark archway which would have been forbidding to a sober man, but Cap'n Oz was as pissed as the proverbial newt!

Portsmouth Pirate News
All the News thats Unfit to Print

Mysterious Visitor Mysteriously Visits Town Hall

A strange cloaked figure was seen enterin' the office of Mayor Liversausage last evenin'.  He did not stay long, and disappeared into the dark after leaving the office.  Mayor Liversausage was said to be quite pale after the visit, and was even more confused than usual.

Who is this cloaked figure?  What does he want?  Why was Liversausage mumbling about the smell of paprika?

The good people (and other sorts) of Portsmouth want to know.

Political Advertisement

Vote RATS.  A vote for RATS is a vote for CHEESE.

Paid for by Voles For Better Dairy Products

YArrrr...

So how's our vice mayoral candidate Sarah Fence-Palin doin?

Aaarrgh...is she any relashun to Michael Palin?

Oanlie by marridje. Thee rest ov thee fambly don' much loike ter talk habowt 'er.

..And like Michael ha' seen most of this world ......out o' er window
And by Neptune she doth handle her Flintlock wih such consumate skill, whilst the wind caresses her hair as she strides amid her poopdeck....




WHAT THE THUNDER AND BLAZES AM I DRINKING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:-[

Gin, milk an' Exlax.  ;D

Oh roight.......where's me little brolly for it then?  >:(

Brolly? Little brolly? Iz ye a py-rate or not? Oi left a musket in it....

Aaaaah!  Oi 'erd ye can get that koind o' musket on AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghBay !

Really? Oi jest nicked wun off me crew. Oi thunk it used ter belong to a Seaman Peabody.

Well folks the recount isn't going very well.
We still don't have a clear winner of really anything here in Portsmouth.
I think that maybe if we could get in someone who could actually count we'd be doing better.

Well, Oi culd releese sum o' th' Pirate Scouts from distillery dutie.  Oi'd make sure to send only those wot be suitably bribed qualified ter make shoore that th' roight kandidate be declared th' winner.

Aaarrgh...wotever...I has decided to return to the Piratey bit o this forum...tis too dangerous elsewhere!

You jus bring that there ballots box back rite now ye scoundrel---
What ballots box? you dares innocently askes
The one in yer kilt be the one I be speakin of
an no funny bizzness I know hits the ballots box an not sumpin else atall.
Tryin to waltzes out o here wif it--  ye be walking likes ye got that mumps wif it stuk under ye kilt-- what r ye finkin tryin that.

(I am beginning to see the problem with the recount-- from now on all kilts must be fastidiously inspected before leaving.)

Woth'ever 'appens, dont let BB tek that ballet box on boward 'is ship. Not wiv all the pirates wot be abowt jest now !!

they be pirates all over the news now days-- publicity an all not bein a specully gud fing rite now whot wif tha recount goin so bad.
Scuse me a moment oi be hearin some screamin fum the rekount room.

sigh-- they be a bunch o whiney beggers
Oh gives us some water
Can we please haves some porridge or bread or somefin
Mighten we haves a few hours out o doors in tha sun
nag, nag, nag

But about some o hour pirates-- hits alright if they hever managered to catch a oil tanker they'd not be able to figger out how to open the blasted fink up to get the oil out.

OFFICIAL RECOUNT NEWS AND UPDATES
HERE ON A MORE OR LESS REGULAR BASIS
EXCEPT ALTERNATE WEDNESDAYS AND FREE BEER NIGHT AT THE SALTY DOG

*Current counts:
Mayor Liversausage-- 2-- however both appear to be in the same identical handwriting so there is a question of authenticity.

Black Bart-- 23 (amazingly this is the exact number of entertainers at madam fifis). All perfumed and on pink paper.

Dave L-- 423 with 10 or so mail in votes being held up by the postal service due to no postage being affixed to them when mailed. He promises to fight until the end- when he returns from China that is.

Griffin No Name-- some one sent in a bag of assorted nuts with her name on them- the dabate as to whether or not to count the entire bag as one or as each individual nut as one plus the bag as an additional one continues- there have been blows exchanged-also some of the potential votes have dissapeared likely eated-and at least one wit holds out that the bag was an attempted bribe and should be forfeit in toto.

**Bluenose-- one very nasty limerick written on a ballot about a cod and a mermaid-- not fit for publishin--

Pachyderm-- 98-- and also the local utilites have sent in his last 3 months electric bill they figger it'll catch up with him eventually

Pieces of Nine-- 4,653-- unfortunately this makes Pieces official dog catcher and was not what the actually election was for there seems to have been a communications error between her campaign headquarters and Catpins thug posse.

The Canadian fella  ;) -- 33,212,696  yes it would seem that every single soul in Canada has voted for our dear Agujjim-- alas none of them count as they are not legally registered voters here in Portsmouth. Good show on all counts matey. Possible looming immigration issues for next election.

Captain Cronan- 1-- and it wasn't from his mother either- it was from Blind Jack.

If your name is not on this list do not be concerned-ok maybe be slightly concerned- but not too much- you will be contacted shortly.

*please be aware that these counts may be off- ocassionally by a wide margin- the making little stacks of paper isn't working to well as everytime one of the buggars makes wind the whole thing has to start over. Also we aren't sure that any of them can actually count.

** for a complete uncensored text of said epic length lemerick please send 5 pd sterling to saucy gert at the Admiral Benbow and include a self addressed pre-stamped envelope as well.

local utilites have sent in his last 3 months electric bill they figger it'll catch up with him eventually


Good luck wif that. Address c/o D. Jones, The Locker, 7  Seas...

Summat be rong wiv me red sqwirrel breedin' program. They be all skrawny an' deaded.

Cronan's Curlers! Awl oi kin sais is, 'ere be wot 'appens wen ye gives de "mock racy" t' de hunwashed masses.

Oi shudders t' fink wot a 'orribull mess wood en-soo iffen de *washed* masses got 'old ov hit!

RECOUNT UPDATE  
Late Afternoon Neverending madness edition

We have had some new 'mail in' votes arrive here at re-kount headquarters.
We have also hire a troop of polydactylous-polydactyly-lots of fingered and toed circus personages on holiday to help with the re-kount(at least each of them can count higher than 10 and the hope is that it will speed things up a bit) editors note- remove before printing: personally this is a load of rubbish but we have to print something good

Dave L--- postmarked China, via Saskatchewan and Timbuktu-- 15 votes written on paper cocktail napkins from the Lobby Lounge @ Shangri-la for Captain Dave L. Authenticity in debate- there is no way that 15 current and legally registered Portsmouth voters are currently in Shanghai. *

Black Bart-- 1,661-- like we didn't see this coming. Obviously they have been written by his various prisoners as most are simply added to the bottom of various ransom notes and such. However at least 4 re-kounts officials would like to start a committee to investigate their veracity further before rejecting them out of hand.(is someone paying the gits by the hour or something?)

Darlica-- 167 and one vote made of a very large paw print and signed simply L

Alpaca-- A packet of 30 votes has been found stuffed in a boot- that was on the foot of one very shifty looking re-kounts official-- boot (and foot) have been confiscated and the search is on for more ill hidden but possibly viable votes.

beagle-- He sent us a note letting us know that he would have no part in this dastardly capaitalist North American mafia thing-a-m-a giggy we were doing 'round here however if elected he would serve as king for life. Obviously someone has misinformed him-- it's for mayor- not king for life.

Kiyo--  100  also sent a note: full text as follows
"Please to send more beer-- Thank you in advance-- Kiyo the K"
editors note: remove before printing: in the editors humble opinion this one should be the winner- relaxed under pressure, at ease in all seasons, makes new friends easily, doesn't have a graft bone in his body, has a pleasant singing voice

Goat -- Folks he even has the trolls on his side this time-- 45 from under the bridge votes.

:squidlings:  have been sighted in the area if anyone has professor Swato on speed dial then now would be the time.

In further re-kount news
Oh bloody hell who can take any more of it right now- I'm going for a drink.

* and you buggers thought it was a made up fake bar-- lookie here  (http://www.shangri-la.com/en/property/beijing/shangrila/dining/restaurant/lobbylounge)

Aaarrrgh...we've just heard that Dave L's bin Shanghaid by...er...Japanese Pirates...wot looked an awful lot loik Somali Pirates but dey weren't honest...honest as my name is Bartholomew.

R-Kount Update
L-Tryptophan version 3.15

Who in the bleedin heck gave out my personal email address?
From this moment further all votes emailed to this reporter will be non-valid and not counted.
Unless paypal funds is included in full!

Griffin No Name-- 25 votes -- Griffin knows how the paypal works

Black Bart--- minus 1 vote-- Lady Elizabeth Gattleby be not happy after h'opening her surprise box of chocolates whot wuz brung to 'er by 'im an findin only tha wrappers.

Currently our total votes kount for all candidates stands at about 561,001(not counting the votes for that Canadian fella)--- this is odd as we only have about 500 or so legally registered voters here in Portsmouth.
I've jus been hinformed that fleas are in fact allowed to vote here in Portsmouth.
This does not bode well.
Obviously this is going to continue yet fer a while.
'Less anyone whants to drops out now.

Stand by for coverage of Gubner Sara Twiddlepratts hannual pardoning of the lepers- brung to you live via stereoscopic black and white stills vision.

(voice over announcer)
May we have your attention please- we interrupt your radio program-Rich Cronan Poor Cronan-at this time for some breaking news

(announcer continues in loud colorful voice)
WE HAVE A WINNER!

Meromorph the grand is declared the winner because they be a pirate whots can speel quorworate / qourade/ majority and nows how to do maths like percentages and stuffs.

scuffling sounds
muffled screaming
thump
dragging sounds

(voice-not of the announcer- comes on radio)
ARGH! Be this blasted thing on? ARGH! we does appologize for dis 'ere hinteruption of ye showe-- aktually it were a show hits own. We wuz playin a tricksey on ye wif that there winner deklared an all. There hain aktually a winner yet.
not until we sez so

click sound
more dragging and scuffling

Rich Cronan-Poor Cronan resumes

Portsmouth wuz never meant to ave proper democracy loik wot ye've got in the Squeeky Clean White House over der.  Stop countin, toss a Gold Dubloon or somat an get on wiv it.

Quote from: Black Bart on December 04, 2008, 03:20:49 PM
Portsmouth wuz never meant to ave proper democracy.....

Sez You !

Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't, Yes it was, No it wasn't.

Ye'll nivver be Mair now !

Ye shot yeself in ther fooot.

<Storms into counting room surrounded by a mob of angry looking pirate scouts armed with Swiss Army pocket cutlasses>

Roight you lot!

This 'ere is a queue, er a cue, umm a cooo, no its a bloody a take-over!

Jess slowly stan' up and go over there against the wall an no-one will be hurt.

Now, Oi want the soopervizor to come over 'ere an' write down in noice clear writin' that Cap'n Bluenose 'as bin deklared the winner of this 'ere heleckshun.

Yess tha' seems abowt roight.  Hokay, wear arrgh me mayoral roabes?  An' me gold chains o' hoffisse?  Hokay, now Oi got ter go an hintroduce meself to me luvin publik.  Timmy and Johnno, you stay 'ere and make shoore this lot stays put fer the time bein' the rest o ye can form an 'onour guard as we make a noice procession down to the town square ter hinform the populaice o' me elevashun ter the mayorlaty...

*taps Cap'n Bluenose on the shoulder*

"Oi fink yez 'as me robes an chains an' hofficial Cutlass of Office. Oi would happreciate they're being returned. Handle first, in th' case o' the Cutlass."

'Av Oi bin drinkin' or ken Oi reelly see six mairs ?

<turns aroud slowly, looks at Pachy>

Ye scurvy dog!  Oi shud jest loike ter remine ye that Oi be in kontroll o' the produckshun o' Captain's Delight and Oi kin jest as eesily turn it orf.  So ye better be backin away an lettn me get on wiv me mayorin...

:yar:

Perches self on highest chair in the room-
this is gettin 'hinterestin

anybody for pop-corn?

(http://s255.photobucket.com/albums/hh158/roger_dillman/th_capnphil.jpg)

Jess remebers.  We rodents know where ALL the bodies is buried.

<looks over to rat on window sill>

Yarr....  Well Oi s'pose Oi culd divert sum o' the rat poison err, sekret hingredient 27 from the Captain's Delight production loine for use as the manufacturererer hintended...

Now, be dere enny wun else wot wants ter challenge me hinalienabell roights as mair o' this dump?

Oi remains unkoncerned abaht yer Capn's Delioght, as oi 'as jest turned me Arrgh 9000 into a floatin' Gin Palace.

Hand over that there Cutlass, Blue, Oi 'as official plunderin' ter get on wif.

The sound of trumpets break the air......heralding the entrance of the 'The Hat'....who flounces in, casts a monocled eye around the proceedings...

Well, Well I say me pyraty chums......so we're all having a go at this politiking are we......*turns to the Mairs all stood eyeballing each other*

...with a slight sneer on his lips

..."If i'd known it was gonna be fancy dress......I'd 'ave dressed down"

..and then casts his monocle around for the shapely gert.......dribbling slightly

Oi great ye gits now a come all them buggers from the re-kounts room to watch ye fite it outin. I outa clobers tha lot o ye an stuff ye in barrels and send ye to sea wif labls sayin hard tak on 'em then ye'd be in a word o trubble.

An piscatorial-- ye bes be cleanin up any messes ye makes about here- or theill be blud to cleans up!

vot fer ME!

i pomiss ta poit eyes creem in ebberwee shup
ya kin ave alla tha kookys ya wantz
ya kin ave alla pyes ya wantz
an ya kin can all stay up affer bed tyme ta pway

yrrrr
rrrrrrRRrr
rrrrryrrrrrrrrr
rYrrr

Quote from: nefyuBB on May 17, 2009, 07:08:04 AM
vot fer ME!

Ye be a blitherin' h'idiot. The h'electuns be done h'and dusted yeers ago. H'an anyways, we 'as ter sort owt the expense clayms befur we can h'elect anywun.