Yarrrr...
Have yer ever watched those lifestyle programs, where they dig up some expert to tell yer the bleedin obvious? Oh yeah, put in a plastic bag, that's brilliant!! Or just dig a hole and bury it...why didn't Oi think of that!! Yarrrr...
Well, now we've got yer home handyman hints covered right here at the Monastery. Our Continuous Salty Tale heroes Big Ron and Bustlin Brian are here to answer all your renovatin' problems. Big Ron a purveyor of quality meats will answer all yer quandaries about the best prime cut for the next Monsatical shindig. Bustlin Brian the village plumber will be on hand to answer all your plumbin' and home handyman queries.
The format will be as per Aunty Black robe. You can ask the question or give the reply. Just don't forget to excuse yerself if you answer as Big Ron...Yarrrrr...
This is a question for Ron, I have been stuck at sea for 6 months and The Crew is fed up with Fish Head Stew and were wandering if Ron could recommend any other recipes to add some variety to our daily diet. Plus the crew is fed up catching fish then cutting off the head and throwing the rest of it over the side.
Dear Brian
Why is it so difficult to get a plumber these days and where do they get all their excuses for not turnin up.
Yours Captain Plunger
ps Where can I get a new Ball Cock?
Quote from: Black Bart on October 09, 2006, 01:25:01 PM
Dear Brian
Why is it so difficult to get a plumber these days and where do they get all their excuses for not turnin up.
Yours Captain Plunger
ps Where can I get a new Ball Cock?
Ye think ye's got problems? I's had a fish head jammed up me outlet flange fer nearly a fortnight.
Quote from: Calico Jack on October 09, 2006, 09:30:10 AM
This is a question for Ron, I have been stuck at sea for 6 months and The Crew is fed up with Fish Head Stew and were wandering if Ron could recommend any other recipes to add some variety to our daily diet. Plus the crew is fed up catching fish then cutting off the head and throwing the rest of it over the side.
Dear Calico Jack,
I'd start by keelhauling the cook. Try using him as a supplementary flagpole - sensational!!
Next take the fish and grind the fillets into a paste. Next add seasoning and stand for 2 hours. (!!! scuse me)
The take yer finest Portmouth Sausage casing. Put the fish mince into the sausage casing (Big Ron's TM of course!!). A voila!! Big Ron's fish sausages!
You may not have a BBQ, so yer might just have to include one on yer next plunderin' list. (!!! beg your pardon)
So there you have it. You can give that nasty fishhead stew a wide birth for years to come.
This 'ere be a question fer Blunderin' Brian.
We be preparin' to scrape th' barnacles off the bottom of me ship, and Oi am opposed to puttin her into dry dock. One of me mates suggested that Oi run 'er into a small cove and add Likwid Plummer ter the water to peel off the barnacles. Oi'm askeert that it'll have sum adverse affects to me boat, as she's a wood hull that's held together wif a bit o' bailin' wire, some spackle, a chunk of dried up bubblegum collected from the bottoms of school lunchroom tables and a wee bit o' Sparklin' Platinum Nail Varnish that we found in the cook's bunk.
What say ye? Do Oi risk the Likwid Plummer, or shoul Oi haul her out, scrape 'er down and cast e'ry penny we got inter refittin' er proper??
Me IRA and 401K are at maturity and I wi' be retirin' wit'in 2 years. I hev already purchased an establishment to keep me busy when Oi retire. Do ye feel it's werth the expense to fix er up, or shall Oi just invest in more Nail Varnish and hope fer the best??
Capn. Seymore Percival Treadwater Brown
Quote from: Sibling Chatty on October 10, 2006, 03:47:52 AM
she's a wood hull that's held together wif a bit o' bailin' wire, some spackle, a chunk of dried up bubblegum collected from the bottoms of school lunchroom tables and a wee bit o' Sparklin' Platinum Nail Varnish that we found in the cook's bunk.
YYYAAARRR...these young uns with their new fangled spik and span boats. When I was first a pirate we were lucky to have a hull! We had to lick the barnacles off with tongue!
Dear Big Ron,
This Sunday O'im havin the Monastical Football Team over for lunch. Oi wuz wunderin' should we go for 'Veal with Rosemary' or Chilli sausages?
Can yer also aksks yer wife Laura about a few entertaining tips for Monastical footballers?
Koind Regards,
Ere we go,ere we go, ere we go...
I have a question for Big Ron:
Where do you get your sausage meat?
(!!!!Scuse Me)
Dear Bart,
Oi source me meats from many a fine beast. O'id slaughter 'em meself, but now that O'im a big lifestyle celebrity, Oi gets me wife Laura to do it. (!!!Sorry)
All those rumours that Oi use contraband animals stolen by Pirates is (!!!!Ahhh) false.
Black Spot just asked me to look after his 10,000 head herd while he's sailing abroad that's all(!!!!Pardon).
Question for Brian the Plummer
I have a blockage in me ubend which I cannot clear. After a night out with me crew, I had a bit of a set to with me chef and as a result I stuffed his cat down the toilet. Problem is that the mangy thing is a bit on the large side and as been stuck down there for 3 days.
Ow do I get it out, unlike me crew me wench does not like to go over the side. Plus I need the cat back as the rats av taken over the kitchen.
Thanks
CJ
CJ
Arrr CJ,
I'd be inclined t' leave the cat where it is. I's heard horror stories about rats coming up yer U bend and sinkin' their teeth into whatever be handy.
Makes me eye water thinkin' about it.
Dear Big Ron,
Oi wuz wunderin' if yer had a nice big sausage Oi can make to surprise me Missus with? She said she has been missing a good thick sausage of late.
Would it be best to stick me sausage on a hot plate? Or just on the open grill?
Kind Regards,
Mr U. Nich
Dear Brian
Urgent...
Pirgella and I were havin some harmless fun involvin a plunger and a relay race when the said plunger got stuck fast in the second lap. Can you come round tout de suit with some greese and a pair of rubber gloves...quick before the photographers arrive!
Quote from: DaveL on October 17, 2006, 11:32:32 AM
Dear Big Ron,
Oi wuz wunderin' if yer had a nice big sausage Oi can make to surprise me Missus with? She said she has been missing a good thick sausage of late.
Would it be best to stick me sausage on a hot plate? Or just on the open grill?
Kind Regards,
Mr U. Nich
Dear Mr U. Nich
The world of sausage making is indeed a fickle business. There are some fine purveyors of the fine meats out there. But there are also some pretenders, so beware!! Judging by your concern, your wife sounds like a discerning type, who likes a good quality sausage. So steer clear of the pretenders (eg Bart Industries Sausages) and you'll keep yer Missus as 'Happy as Larry' for the rest of your meat eating years!
My tip...I'd be sticking to the Big Ron's TM range of sausage products for yer next meal. At Big Ron's, we make sure your next sausage will be the
best sausage you've ever had. The BR sausage range will taste delicious, no matter where you cook it.
And if you think this is blatant advertising, you're right. If other lifestyle programs can do it, so can we. Yarrr!!
Regards,
Big Ron
Dear Ron
Spot, Dave L and I were recently invited back to Bart's ship to eat, drink an make merry.
Bart cooked the main dish imself which e said contained one of Ron's finest sausages but it was awful fare, fatty, tasteless an rubbery.
I am not sure if either yer sausages are bad, Bart's cooking is awful or worse still Bart is a lying varmint claiming them to be yers.
I don't believe it meself, that it could be one o yer fine sausages Ron an I would be grateful if you could confirm fer me that you as never given Bart any of yer Sausages.
CJ
I confirm that Ron has never given me one...not even when I was dressed as a French maid!
What d'ye expect ye blaggard comin on my ship hexpectin fine cuisine like a froggy...ye'll get Fish Head Stew and be grateful for it!
Dear Calico Jack,
The world of fine meat purveying is indeed a cutthroat business, much like yours. There are some low life varmint that will stoop to using the Big Ron's brand name.
I've just come back from a trip to SE Asia, and noted Big Ron's sausages being sold in the markets for 1/5th the price (!!! oops, pardon me)
When Oi asked what was in the sausages, the vendor pointed towards the animal section of the markets and started going 'woof woof'.
Oi was mightily impressed with the resourcefulness of these fellows - so much in fact that Oi sued 'em in the Scurvy Disciplinary Board.
Yer can never be certain if your sausage has been tampered with or not. They don't call 'em 'mystery bags' for nuthin'.
O'ill be watchin those Bart Industry fellows like a pork, sorry hawk.
Regards,
Big Ron
YYYAAARRR...I've heard Big Ron's sausage be goin down well in Bancock!
Dear Bustlin' Brian,
Yesterday Oi wuz charged an exhorbitant fee to clear a blocked...150 dubloon, by your ole boss Mr 'Golden Taps Graveson'.
When Oi aksed Graveron fer an itemised bill, he said that wuz none of me business.
Do yer have any tips for dealin with 'obstinate rip off merchant' plumbers? Should Oi send the Piratica soccer team round to sort 'im out?
Kind Regards,
Mr Nobby Earnshaw
Dockside Merchant
Well Mr Earnshaw it be an itemised bill you be wanting. Well me experience suggests that the following charges be appropriate.
20 Dubloons Call out Charge
30 Dubloons Tea Drinking Charge (works out at 3 Dubloons a cup so 10 cups is 30 dubloons)
10 Dubloons Chatting with me mate Tiny Tim regarding the ever increasing price of faucets
20 Dubloons to stand over the blocked toilet and tut loudly this is going to cost an arm an a leg sir.
50 Dubloons After further thought to recommend that the blockage cannot be cleared as it is stuck to far down. I would then suggest that you get yerself a new toilet. You see a good plumber will never clear a blockage if e can help it, it takes time you see and is a bit messy.
10 Dubloons to add up the bill
60 Dubloons Service Charge This is voluntary but if yer don't pay I'll stick me spanners somewhere else.
200 Dubloons be the Total Charge
So I be thinking you av had value for money as I would charge 200 Dubloons without clearing yer blockage. So stop moaning I am a very busy man
YYYAAARRRR...I thinks me and the crew will carry on crappin over the side, it be cheaper! ;D
Dear Big Ron,
Oi be havin trouble wif makin a nice chorizo sausage. Oi wuz told that addin a bit of cayenne pepper wif me chorizo will work a treat.
Unfortunately Oi think Oi used too much and it's now it's werkin a treat me entire family on the latrine.
Can yer give me any tips for the fine art of Spanish sausage makin'.
Koind Regards,
Mr Oops Oi Gotta-go
Dear Dave L.
Ye be tryin to run afore ye can walk. Chorizo be in me Advanced sausage making sylabus. Ye needs to attend me 'Sausage makin fer beginners' course at 450 dubloons per 6 week session.
Within 2 years ye'll ave graduated to the Intermediate stage where ye'll be doin practical things such as CAD sausage design and blindfold sausage tasting.
For an application form please contact:
Big Ron's Sausage Emporium
4, The Butcher's yard
Cumberland Lane,
Portsmouth.
Dear Bustlin Brian,
Oi've bin havin trubbles handling me husband's big downpipe. He told me to leave it alone or I'll go blind. But it's in dire need of a good workover...or the rain will get in.
Should Oi be playing with sumthin so big, or can yer gives me a few tips for handling such a delicate piece of conduit?
Oi be aksin fer sum professhernul 'elp, an yer me only hope.
Kind Regards,
Mrs Mildred O'Farrell
Dear Mrs O'Farrell
I be aving many questions from me lady clients who be aving problems with their husband's downpipes.
I can help yer there me dear, I be coming over now an I can giv you a replacement downpipe that is much more reliable than yer husbands's. Yer see the problem is not the size of the pipe its ow you insert it an I can ensure that this be placed in the right aperture.
Yours helpfully Bustling Brian
Dear Mrs O
As I promised I be comin over to fix yer old mans downpipe. I always brings a lot of equipment on me jobs and I hears ye be the proud owner of an ACME implement receptical. I'll be bringin an extra big spanner for the job and what I be askin is...can I put me tool in yer box?
Yours Bustlin Brian
Dear Bustlin Brian
I were comin' out the privy the other day, when one o' the deck swabs 'eld 'is nose an sed summit in a loud voice. I grabbed 'old o' the swab an jammed is head right down the pan. "Arrr," I said. "Now something HAS died in there."
D'ye think I should buy one o' those little pine air fresheners?
Dear Black Spot
Ye'd reduce yer plumbin bill quite considerably if ye didn't keep gettin members, or for that matter members of members, of your crew stuck in your sanitary instalations. Also, could I point out that removing body parts from the barrel of a cannon is not strictly a plumbing job.
Yours Sincerely
Brian
Dear Big Ron,
Wif all this talk about global warmin', us villagers 'ave bin wunderin how you are gonna help reduce your own greenhouse gas emmishuns.
You know what we mean...eg vindaloo, eg dried apricots, eg spicy sausages...
Please advise, or we will picket your butcher shop.
Kind Regards,
Ernest Pertwhistle
President,
Morninton Village Greenhouse Gas Reduction Society
Dear Ernest
I presume you will be requiring your usual delivery of chipolatas for the church hall Christmas Lunch...viz a viz any picketing of my business why don't you picket Mount Vesuvius which belches out lots of hot gas and probably has more control over it than I do!
Ron
Dear Big Ron,
Oi'm an awfully shy young fella, an' Oi be havin trubbles wif talkin' to the ladies. Every toimes Oi go to talk to one, Oi get all shy an' embarrased.
Given your infinite charm an wisdom wif the opposite sex, can yer gives me some tips fer hitten a home run.
Koind Regards,
Thirdmate Will Theresaway
Dear Will,
The art of charming the ladies from a butchers perspective boils down to the following reasons.
1. When a lady enters a butcher shop, it is rare for her to be confronted by so many male folk behind the counter;
2. Every butcher is always happy, even when he's having a bad day, chronically depressed or his best friend just died. We are perpetually happy!
3. Wearing those blue and white butcher's aprons just sends the girls crazy! It's a signal that we are sensitive new age kinda guys.
4. It's the saucy way we handle our thick cut 'veal and rosemary' sausages that just sends 'em wild.
Speaking of wearing things, me and the Portsmouth shop owners are doin' a semi-nude photo shoot for a new calendar called 'The Men of Portsmouth'.
O'ill be in it wearing just me butchers apron but not much else. Bustlin Brian will be in it, wearing a shifter spanner, but not much else. Honest John O'Grady will be it in wearing a used ship sign, but not much else...(ewww!)
So yer see laddy, the butcher is exposed to many fine opportunities to meet the ladies. O'id be throwing in yer thirdmateship and take up an apprenticeship in me new shop 'Big Rons-Express Cuts'.
In regards to hitten a home run, no idea what you mean. I'm married to Laura, and I...erm never mind.
Kind Regards,
Big Ron
(Mr July)
Dear Big Ron
The crew be gettin' hacked off with fish head stew, so I promised them a big meat pie fer their supper termorrow, an now they're really lookin' forward to it.
Trouble is, all that's left on the ship be a bottle o' lime cordial an a packet o' Jaffa Cakes.
Can yer make a decent steak an kidney pie out o' a ship's cat? 'Ee's a bit stringy looking.
Any ideas yer have could save me life.
Yours
Chef Craddock
Yer problem be is there will not be enough to feed yer crew as a stringy cat will give you half a plate to share b'tween 40 swabs, so I don't think it would go down to well with yer lads.
A bit revolutionary I know but as you ever thought when you catch the fish to throw away the head and keep the rest, i.e a complete reversal of what you be doing now. There be more to go round and it tastes much better.
Yours helpfully
Big Ron
Dear Bustlin Brian,
Oi be havin a bit of trubbles wif me water hammer. When Oi asked for some advice, Ole Mavis Marshall next door said it was caused by dwarves hittin' me wall wif pick axes.
Should Oi be watchin Lord of The Rings to see if Gimli whacks the walls during the bathin' scenes. Or should Oi tell Mrs Marshall she's an absolute loon.
Koind Regards,
Mr Elrond Rivendell
Dear Mr Rivendell
Oi've seen Mavis Marshall 'anging around the docks, an she 'as some peculiar habits.
Knowin' the sorts o' things she gets up to, it wouldn't surprise me if she had several dwarves bangin' things in 'er room.
Yours,
Brian
Dear Bustlin Brian
I know you are a plumber but I was wonderin if ye could elp me with my ring. It has brought me nothin but trouble and now a big hairy bloke is tellin me I've got to drop me ring in a volcano. Well cobblers to him... I was wonderin if ye could take the trouble to come and have a look at my ring and perhaps you could use your blow torch on it...a couple o thousand degrees should do the trick! There's a free pass to Lothlorien Elf Maid Paradise in it fer ye!
Yours Frodo Baggins
Dear Frodo,
A good scorchin of yer ring is a very healthy thing. Good fer checking out all those funky runes. O'ill bring be 'Bustlin Brian's EX9777 (TM)' oxy welding kit around an see if we can set Sauron and his black riders off on a frenzied chase.
O'ill see yer down at LEMP later on where we can try out the Saruman chamber of pleasure. Watch out for Madame She-Orc, she be quite a stunner (not).
Regards,
Brian
Dear Big Ron,
Oi be 'avin a bot er trubbel wiv me still. It seems that everytime Oi gets it up ter presher it springs a leek an Oi have ter stick a Band-Aid on it ter keep all the jibbers in. Me still be more Band-Aid than metal now, and Oi was wonderin iffen ye could give me sum noice tips on 'ow ter go abowt makin a new wun.
This be very urgent as Oi 'av jess applied fer the position of Distillery Master at the Portsmouth Pirate Public School an' oi needs ter be ready fer the new term.
Cap'n Bluenose
Dear Sibling Bluenose,
Congratulations on your new appointment!! O'ive heard many bad things about that school, so anything you do will be an improvement. YArr!
Knowing how to wield your pipe is a fine art. You can't just make a new pipe wherever you like. O'id try replacing that pipe wif something like 'Bustling Brians Super Expensive Distillery Pipe (TM). It be a bargain at only 5x the price of a standard pipe.
As they say, if it's expensive it must be good. So make sure you quote your Cronan card number, so Oi can charge yer extra for postage.
Best of luck in the new job as yer may need to werke overtime to pay for me pipe.
Koind Regards,
Bustlin Brian
Dear Brian,
I were throwin' out an old metal curtain rod this mornin' when a man 'oo looked just like you ran over an' picked it up.
'Ee slapped a sticker on it that said "very expensive special pipe", then wrapped it up an' stuck it in the Post Box.
What be going on 'ere?
Dear Brian,
Thank ye fer th' new pipe, it arrived in th' mail this mornin. Oi ave fitted it accordin ter yer instruckshuns and now it be actin as a foine kondensa. Oi'm a bit unsure abowt the chewin gum holdin it ter the pot, but it seems ter be doin the business fer now.
Now that Oi've fixed up that part of the systum, Oi be wantin ter noe iffen ye have ani eye-dears abowt how Oi can control the rate of kombustchen in the fire pot. Wot dyer think?
Cap'n Bluenose
Dear Sibling Bluenose,
There be nuthin better than be 'Bustlin Brians X3400 Pressure Vessel'. They be an absolute steal @ 1 treasure chest each.
Yer combustion problems will be solved due to me secret 'patented' burner.
Lookin forward to receipt of that treasure chest!!
Monetarily kind regards,
Brian
(Now where's that ole bunsen burner Oi flogged?)
Dear Brian,
Oi reseeved th' new X3400 Pressure Vessel komplete wiv th' Secret "Patented" Burner this afternoon. Oi trust ye fownd the treasure chest to yer satisfakshun, Oi must admit it were a bit of a stretch ter fill it up wiv all them 10 carat diamons, black perls and gold bars loike ye spesifyed, but Oi'm shore it be werf it in th' long run ter get the advice o' sumwun as skilled as yerself.
Unfortunately it seems loike a rat got in an ate some of th' instrucshuns, 'coz Oi carnt find anywhere wot tells me wot ter do wiv the bit Oi found in a box marked 'Cyclops Supa Fire Engine Ride On'. Me cabin boy's eyes lit up wen 'e sore that bit but Oi be tellin 'im it be too danjerus fer the loikes o' 'im. Oi'm thinkin it be part of the fuel delivvry system fer the burner, but Oi jess carnt make 'ead nor tail o' it.
Eegerlie awaitin yer reply,
Cap'n Bluenose
YYYAAARRRR I be not the suspicious type loik but as anyone hobserved somat strange...
Bustling Brian's Central Heating and Plumbing Services and Scumsoft Helpdesk be hoperatin from the same address!!!!
Quote from: Bluenose on November 24, 2006, 02:00:13 AM
Dear Brian,
Oi reseeved th' new X3400 Pressure Vessel komplete wiv th' Secret "Patented" Burner this afternoon. Oi trust ye fownd the treasure chest to yer satisfakshun, Oi must admit it were a bit of a stretch ter fill it up wiv all them 10 carat diamons, black perls and gold bars loike ye spesifyed, but Oi'm shore it be werf it in th' long run ter get the advice o' sumwun as skilled as yerself.
Unfortunately it seems loike a rat got in an ate some of th' instrucshuns, 'coz Oi carnt find anywhere wot tells me wot ter do wiv the bit Oi found in a box marked 'Cyclops Supa Fire Engine Ride On'. Me cabin boy's eyes lit up wen 'e sore that bit but Oi be tellin 'im it be too danjerus fer the loikes o' 'im. Oi'm thinkin it be part of the fuel delivvry system fer the burner, but Oi jess carnt make 'ead nor tail o' it.
Eegerlie awaitin yer reply,
Cap'n Bluenose
Dear Capn Bluenose
Sorry Oi couldn't reply sooner, but Oi was busy counting my money, as Wall St just had a surge on Scumsoft shares. Boy, being successful sure is a hassle!!
Apologies for yer current equipment problems. All yer need to do is dial the BB Helpdesk on 1800-BASTARD. One our our experienced distilliery operators will talk you through your concerns for only 4 dubloons/minute.
Oi hope you have lots of time on yer hands. Oi predict it should take a mere 5 hours talk time to solve the problem.
Koind Regards,
Bustlin' Brian
(Now where's me mum? Oi needs her to answer the phone)
Dear Bustlin Brian (Pirate Home Handyman)
Are ye any good at flushin out distilleries. Due to an unfortunate accident me Polonium 210 pipes be contaminated wiv Fishe Heade Stewe. Can ye come round and give me valves a good scrubbin and me vessels a good polishin. Don't forget yer rubber gloves.
Yours
Black Bart
(Chairman, Bart Industries)
Dear Bart,
I'd best solve that problem by retracting those statements you made about the current President of a well known country in Eastern Europe.
In particular I'd be retracting the words 'Evil' 'Ex-Secret Service Despot' 'Total Bastid' and 'Murdering Varmint' from your previous correspondence wif him.
Oi'd probably just use the words 'Strong Leader' from now on eg. Dear President you are a 'stinking, rotten strong leader' or 'I love how you show such strong leadership wif your media'.
Nuthin like a visit or 'special meal' from the secret service when yer least expect it. YArr!
O'id be gettin yer fishead stewe into the secret service quick smart, before their Polonium runs out.
Koind Regards,
Bustlin' Brian(currently hiding in tax free haven from Capn Bluenose)
Quote from: Black Bart on November 24, 2006, 11:29:31 AM
YYYAAARRRR I be not the suspicious type loik but as anyone hobserved somat strange...
Bustling Brian's Central Heating and Plumbing Services and Scumsoft Helpdesk be hoperatin from the same address!!!!
Oi as noticed that too an ye know what, I rekkon they both be fake.
Dear Bustlin Brian,
Oi ad a visit from a Teknikel Inpeckter from the Piratical Hi Counsil Offiss o Licker Lisensin or sum such fing. 'E 'ad a rite proper gander at me still and 'e commented on the parts wot Oi resently purchased from ye.
'E telled me that the Very Expensive High Presha Pipe wot you sold me were really just a bit of ole curtain rod, and that the new Special Precision Controlled Burner fer the still were jest an ole hi-skool bunsen burner an' that the new fuel delivery system reely was a Cyclops kiddy-kar fire-engin, jess loike me cabin boy fowt it be. Wen Oi aheared this Oi took th' liberty of havin a closer look at the items an indeed Oi espied the words "Handi-Hardware Curtain Rod, Size 2" on the pipe an the burner is clearly marked on the bottom wiv "Property of East Finchly Public School".
Now Oi got no problems wiv the performance o' the supplied items, the burner be werkin a treat and the pipe be holdin pressure much betta than me old wun (although Oi'm still a bit unsure abowt th' chewing gum seal) an me cabin boy Tommy be pretty 'appy wiv the fire engine. Wot Oi be unappy abowt but is the price ye charged for wot in reality turned out ter be a bit o' old tat. Oi will be expeckin a full refund less about 2 dubloons,which Oi ave been advised by a licensed second-hand dealer is about wot the items be werth. Oi will be sendin a kupple o me crew around to collect the refund this afternoon.
Don't let me down or Oi'll be forced ter refer the matter ter "Burly Henchmen R Us" th' new debt collectors wot ave been advertisementin lately.
Cap'n Bluenose
SCUMSOFT OUT OF OFFICE REPLY:
HI I'M CURRENTLY ON INDEFINITE LEAVE IN A SUNNY TAX FREE HAVEN. IF YOU WISH TO CONTACT ME, I'M AFRAID THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
SO BOTTOMS UP, I'LL DRINK A PINA COLADA IN YOUR HONOUR.
KIND REGARDS,
BUSTLIN' 'COME MR TALLYMAN' BRIAN
Dear Bustlin' Brian
Thank you for your services. We now have another batch of highly toxic fuel control pipes for you to dispose of.
Just like the last batch, these pipes contain high quantities of deadly materials, and exposure to them should be limited to a maximum of four minutes only.
Please find enclosed a cheque for 2,000 dubloons for the safe disposal of these various sized pipes.
Thank you for keeping the general public safe from these lethal fittings.
Yours
Arthur Buckleshnaffen
Global Effluents International (Portsmouth Div)
Dear Bustlin Brian
Thanks fer the job lot o brass rods ye sold me. I screwed them end to end and fashioned em into a fine Sea Fishing Rod. The only problem is I keeps catchin fish with three eyes...not too much of a problem as some nice fellar buys all the heads from me at a fair price.
Cheers,
Captain Birdseye
SCUMSOFT OUT OF OFFICE REPLY
DEAR CUSTOMERS, THANKS FOR YOUR KIND PATRONAGE. I AM CURRENTLY SPENDING YOUR MONEY AT THIS AWESOME OFFSHORE GAMBLING ESTABLISHMENT WITH GREAT PALM TREES.
IF YOU REQUIRE ANY TECHNICAL ASSISTANCE, TRY MY 1800-BASTARD HELPLINE. MY HIGHLY SKILLED OPERATORS WILL GIVE YOU MORE TROUBLE , ASSISTANCE THAN YOU CAN POKE A DISTILLERY PIPE AT.
YOURS FIENDISHLY BUSTLIN' BRIAN
(2000 Dubloon on 13 Black Please Winston)
Hello der Mr Bustlin Brian,
Dis am de Governor General o jamaica Sir Ambrose Cumberbatch man
Wot exactly be you callin this plumbing job what you hinstalled in me Marigo bay residence. Me thinks ye been avin one too many rum punches man. If I wanted a plumbing sytem made outta coconut halves and bamboo I would ave called in me brother Winston (Del Boy)Cumberbatch. I thought you wuz a professional. Let me tell you man, the job better be put right by next week or some o me boys off de plantation will be comin round and fittin you personally with a plumbing system involvin de pinapples and other sharp edged fruit!
Dayo Deeeeayyyyooooo
Daylight come and Bustlin Brian's gone home!
Dear Bustlin Brian
We've been receiving reports from many sources about the level of service which you provide. We have come to the conclusion that you are:
Incompetent,
Negligent,
Un-professional
Un-punctual
Haven't got the parts
Haven't got a clue
Never there when your wanted
Hopeless
Would you like a job with us at British Gas?
SCUMSOFT TELEGRAM:
DEAR CAPTAIN BLUENOSE AND OTHER CUSTOMERS (stop)
FOLLWIN' MY ARREST BY THE JAMAICAN POLICE AND SOME SLIGHT PERSUADIN' ON THEIR PART, OI HAVES DECIDED TO FULLY REFUND YER ALL YER ME ILL GOTTEN GAINS (stop)
FOLLOWIN' MY IMPENDING DEPORTMENT, OI 'AVES DECIDED TO MEND ME WICKED WAYS AND COME CLEAN, GIVEN THAT I HAD A BIG CASINO WIN WITH YOUR EARNINGS (stop)
PLEASE REPORT TO ME ACCOUNTANTS OFFICE MR EARL DOGDY, WHO WILL SIGN A NICE BOUNCY CHEQUE, FOR THE FULL AMOUNT OWED (stop)
OI SINCERELY APOLERGIZE.
REGARDS,
BRIAN (stop)
Dear Big Ron,
Congratulations on yer sucessful 'Unplugged and Unventilated Concert' Fortunately, Oi wuz seated third row from the back.
Oi wuz mightily impressed with the range of noises yer produced during your performance.
Can yer tell me how you managed to hit the note F# during your solos?
Koind Regards,
Luciano Pira-rotti
Dear Big Ron
I wants me money back! Oi wuz seated second row from the back and some big fat Italian Bloke kept standin up in front o me and completely hobscured me view.
Yours Sincerely
Capn Shortarse
Dear Luciano,
Thankyou for your praise.
There be nuthin' better than firing off an F#. I keep one special when Oi needs to wow the crowd.
O'id get into the baked beans or dried fruit. YArrghh, you'll be doin' more F#'s than normal.
Dear Capn Shortarse,
Good thing you wern't standing behind Luciano after me handy advice. The 2nd back row would be more like the front row when Luciano gets going.
Dear Bustlin' Brian
I were 'aving a quiet pint in the Admiral Benbow the other night, when there were a huge flash follered by an explosion from the kitchen.
We managed to pull the cook (Greasy Jim MaHoy) out o' the wreckage. Greasy Jim were holdin' the shattered remains o' what looked like a new but very cheap gas pipe.
"'Ee got me," Jim wheezed. "Bluddy cowboy! That swine'll do fer us all." Before 'ee passed out, he shakily drew a letter "B" in the dust.
This got me to thinking. Me own cook said we needed a new hob fitted in the galley. Any chance ye could pop over later in the week?
Quote from: The Black Spot on December 18, 2006, 04:29:49 PM
This got me to thinking. Me own cook said we needed a new hob fitted in the galley. Any chance ye could pop over later in the week?
Utter Blaggard and fiend!
Ye know darn well I be guest cook in yer galley fer Christmas Dinner!
Dear Mr Spot,
O'ill ave a word to me parole officer. I've 'aves a few other problems to content wif in prison.
Oi be sharin' me cell with a 300 lb brute named Elroy, who thinks Oi have nice thighs.
YYYAARRRR...Thighs...That reminds me of a young wenchy I used ta know, she went to the doctor with a bit of a cough. The doctor put his stethascope to her chest and said:
'Big Breaths'
The young wenchy replies: 'Yes, and I'm only thixsteen!'
Dear Big Ron,
After viewin' the film footage of you in the Portsmouth Arrrgghus, we are convinced you are a squid.
I hopes you can control your ink sac a bit better in future.
Will you be auditioning for the role of Kraken in Pirates of the Carribean 3?
Regards,
Mrs Mildred Hubble
No sorry Ron...
The Kraken's part has already been taken...by Big Brenda!
Poor Jack Sparrow!
Dear Big Ron,
Oi heard that CH4 is an odourless gas. Is it true?
Koind regards,
Ernest Codrington
Deaf Village Elder
Dear Ernest Codrington
The odour of methane is inversely proportional to the vibrations it produces in the air. It is well known as the "silent but violent" gas.
Yours
Professor Blockednose
Dear Bustlin Brian,
You are a very attractive prison cell mate. Can you retrieve the soap for me?
Love Elroy
Dear Elroy,
While I am very flattered, it's very difficult forming an attachment to another human being. Especially when you are a 300 lb psychopath, that's been incarcerated for cutting a swathe through the village square with a meat cleaver.
I think that your affections will however, be cut short, when my long lost brother in the Continuous Briny Fable busts me out of here.
I therefore suggest you take up a new hobby. Knitting is 'tres chic' at present. YArrr...there be nuthin better than bribin' a prison guard wif a nice knitted vest or woolly socks.
Can we just be good friends? I know you'll take it really well.
Koind Regards,
Bustlin 'Soap-on-a-rope' Brian
Dear Bustlin Brian
Why didn't ye just plumb yer way out o prison?
Yours Sincerely
Giscard D'Etang
Chairman 'Le tunnel sous le Manche plc'
Dear Giscard D'Etang
Unfortunately O'ive tried sneakin away at night, but Elroy keeps a rather close watch. The affections of a rotund bearded psychopath, madly in love wifs me, are hard to shake.
Anyways, next times he rolls over and stops huggin me O'ill try again.
Yours sincerely,
Bustlin 'stop snorin' Elroy' Brian
Dear Big Ron,
Oi bin 'avin trubble wif someone who keeps fondlin' me meat. Every time Oi whip it out, it keeps gettin' man-handled.
Can yer give me some tips fer gettin the most out me 'in-the-window meat' display. Should I try showin me sausage a bit more?
Koind Regards,
Big _ _ _ _
Rival Butcher Shop
Portsmouth
Dear Big _ _ _ (Yarrrr, I thought I wuz answerin this for Playbilge)
The art of arranging yer 'in-the-window display' is a very delicate business. You've got to be very careful where you put your meat. If put yer sausages in the wrong spot, the customers may never see what you've got to offer.
Make sure you display your sausage at every opportunity. Showin' off a big Bratwurst will have the customers rollin' through the doors.
And make sure they get a good geek at your Cabanosi. A bit of continental fare is always a treat.
Noone will be manhandlin yer meat if you show it off with pride.
So good luck in the butchery business. My people will be round to see your people - real soon.
Kind Regards,
Big 'All competition shall be eliminated' Ron
Cher Grand Ron
As le European Commission had a good look at votre saucisson. Eet will ave to be verified and examined to make sure eet is not breakin ze rules of ze Euro Meat Control Council. Otherwise we will not be lettin votre sausage through our tunnel!
Vive L'Emperor Napolean!
Giscard D'Etang
Chairman 'Le tunnel sous le Manche plc'
Dear Bustlin' Brian
I has a mortal enemy that needs to 'ave 'is main boiler replaced. Shall I bust ye out o' the chokey?
Yours
Cap'n Backscratcher
Dear Capn Backscratcher,
Looking at me current fortunes in the Continuous Briny Fable and the thought of spending one more night in a cell wif Elroy, I'll gladly do anythin' to get out of here.
Best if yer Mortal Enemy is supplied wif me finest range of products. They seldom work.
Kind Regards,
The Bustlin' One.
Dear Big Ron,
Lentils or Prunes?
Kind Regards,
Capn Windy
Dear Ron or Brian
Are ye any good at doin Quests?
Yours Sincerely
Capn Don Quixote
Dear Capn Don Quixote
Re: Quests
Ye be wanting me ter sing fer ye?
Capn Horn Blower
Dear Capn Hornblower
Is that a clue?
Yours Sea Shantily
Capn Don
Dear Capn Don Q
Maybe it be an maybe it aint ;)
Yours
Capn Horn Blower
Quote from: DaveL on March 16, 2007, 02:46:41 AM
Dear Big Ron,
Lentils or Prunes?
Kind Regards,
Capn Windy
Dear Capn Windy,
Either but preferably both, Sulphur dried apricots go down a treat, especially during a musical performance. If you need to get to '11' (as in Spinal Tap) O'id be goin' for the prune juice.
Kind Regards,
Big Ron
Quote from: Griffin NoName The Watson of Sherlock on March 20, 2007, 05:01:53 PM
Dear Capn Don Q
Maybe it be an maybe it aint ;)
Yours
Capn Horn Blower
YYYAAARRRR Ye be blowin yer Horn all hot and cold!
Unlike Big Ron!
Yours
Capn Don Barthote
Dear Big Ron
Last night me crew wanted a steam puddin' fer their dinner. I made 'em one, but they said they still felt 'ungry afterwards.
Can ye suggest another filling apart from steam?
Bowlegs O'Reilly
Dear Bustlin Brian
I hears ye has been recently busted out of er, released from prison. Would ye loik to come an do some plumbin fer me.
Yours Sincerely
Davy Jones
The Locker,
The Sea Bed.
Quote from: The Black Spot on March 27, 2007, 01:42:03 PM
Dear Big Ron
Last night me crew wanted a steam puddin' fer their dinner. I made 'em one, but they said they still felt 'ungry afterwards.
Can ye suggest another filling apart from steam?
Bowlegs O'Reilly
Dear Bowlegs,
That be an interesting quandry there matey. If yer looking for another gas, I've got a few bodily alternatives that will keep 'em subdued for weeks.
Bring yer cylinder round to the shop and I'll fill it up for ye.
Yours in sublimation
Big Ron
Dear Bustlin Brian
I recently bought a dodgy Black Bart manequin on Aaaaargh Bay. At first I thought it was just poor workmanship but then I hobserved the Wrench sticking out o the pocket and the Boiler suit and I realised tis not a Black Bart manequin at all...tis a Bustlin Brian pretendin to be a pirate manequin!!!!
(http://www.bloglines.com/images/plumber-pirate.jpg)
Dear Bart
That's not me! A hard working plumber like meself would never have such clean overalls! And look at those shiney shoes! A man who charges as little as I do would never be able to afford such smart footwear! With all the high quality parts I buy for each job it's a miracle I make any money at all!
Yours
Brian
Dear Brian
I can see your point, especially as it got more work done than you ever do!
Yours Sincerely
Dear Bustlin Brian,
Oi haves been asked to convert me ole toilet into a modern new fangled water savin' device.
Can yer gives me a few tips for gettin me cock-and-ball unstuck?
Koing Regards,
Mr Nobby Faultybits
Dear Bustlin Brian
Me toilet handle snapped off in me hand. Why?
Yours
Lord Cap'n It-Really-Did
Dear Capn It really Did
I told you with hands as big as that ye needed to purchase the BS435 handle made of Galvanised Pig Iron...You pirates are a bunch o cheap skates!
Regards,
Bustlin B
Dear IS-One-Of-You-A-Carpenter?
Oi av a notion ter build a Trojan ship fer Raidin Parties. Oi needs a dyagram.
Oi ken offer yer a plaise insyde if yer ken elp. Oi'll even offers ye the bit be'nd ther eyes (wot Oi av bin collectin false eyes off of that knackers yard be'ind ther Adminral Benbow wot be allus so busy).
Yours
Cap'n Lord Earl Baron Treadmill-Wermer
Dear Capn Wotsyername
I has had a word wiv me bruvver Burnishin Brian what sais he be a carpenter an he showed me this hidea fer a Trojan Ship...he said it only be any good if yer name be Helen:
(http://www.cs.utk.edu/~mclennan/BA/images/ship-chariot.gif)
Yours B.B
(just realised I has the same initials as that Blaggard Black Bart).
Dear scurvy bilge rat-- I mean nice pirate carpenter type person,
Do you have any ideas on ways to make spitoons the self emptying kind?
Sincerely,
Saucy Gert Pettigrew
(and if you would all stop playin wif the plumin it wuld las)
Quote from: DaveL on May 17, 2007, 09:41:12 PM
Dear Bustlin Brian,
Oi haves been asked to convert me ole toilet into a modern new fangled water savin' device.
Can yer gives me a few tips for gettin me cock-and-ball unstuck?
Koing Regards,
Mr Nobby Faultybits
YARRR !
Faultybits ! OWW KIN YE DOODUS !??? :o,
Foist ye be minefo ove da lid... Be genno widdit an et be fine... maybees ye haffa jiggo et a bit wid ye finger es all... ARR maybees et too tyet ...onna chain... jus git ye nimbel finners in dARR an loosin et a nic' ARR too .
Den grab hode udda wee shaff reel foim loike and slooly begen ta poo...Not Jerket !...for ye may breek it ! >:( ... an get yeseff wit ! :-[
Iffen ye int gittin nowARRs :taz:... maybees ye ave a prublum wid yARR scruwin thin :dontknow: ...jus unsruw et intills ye be sassfried ye gotsit roite :smartass:...iffen diss dont doo da trik :( ...ye muss cull a professinall to hep ye . ??? :fone:
Kine Regoids... Brian ... et ye serfiss ! :yar:
Quote from: anthrobabe on June 25, 2007, 11:27:48 PM
Dear scurvy bilge rat-- I mean nice pirate carpenter type person,
Do you have any ideas on ways to make spitoons the self emptying kind?
Sincerely,
Saucy Gert Pettigrew
(and if you would all stop playin wif the plumin it wuld las)
YARR
Gerttie ! ,
Foist ye need be inpeckting ye vessels , kin ye fit bowf yer hans an yer toos innem ?
Iffen ye kin , ye jus scruw em to da fluer , den ye puts ye hoze tru bouff dARR bottoms an tru da fluer.
Iffen ye kint , ye gots ta do yer drillen and sruw em frum beloo wid sum hep frum above .
Aways et ye serface , Brian
Dear Big Ron,
Isa been havin a bit of trubbles getting a gooda length in me salami. Isa we hanging it right?
Koind Regards,
The Mario Brothers
YARRR! Mario Bros ,
Sounds to me dat ye might be hanging it ta winward ware it be subjit ta code an win , jus hoist it over ta leeward an give it sum time ta recover .
Dear Big Ron,
Can you give me any firm tips about state-of-the-art sausage casings. Oi hear that ramming your mince into a synthetic sausage is a major disappointment on the taste satisfaction scale.
Is the use of a nice intestine the only effective means of makin' a good sausage, or should we for looking for a few halternativs.
Looking forward to hearin about the finer points of your sausage as well.
Love and casings
Mrs Hubble Telescope
Dear Mrs Telescope,
I find that the tastiest sausages be made using old rugby socks. There's bound to be a local tem near you whowill be able to help you out, I am sure.
Big Ron
YArrrr...
I prefer a good sweaty sock meself. Adds a bit of added flavour, not unlike Mature Cheese.
I prefer a good sweaty sock meself
I'm going to guess you don't know what that is in Cockney rhyming slang.
I will point out that I am available, and broad-minded :yo:
YARGGGGHHHH!!!
Life at sea is a very lonely past time...ermm....
Being deprived of female contact for months at a time is...erm....
*Drops voice level 2 octaves*
Now where's me manly after shave?
Oooooo... Hello, sailor!
Dear Bustlin Brian,
I read in the Portsmouth Argus that you were spotted in a park cannodling with Brenda McTavish. Is it true?
Regards,
Your wife
Bustling Briony
Dear Mrs Bustling
I think there may be a case of mistaken identity here. Brian was commissioned to fit the water supply to the newly installed statue of Moby Dick.
You can certainly tell it was Brian who fitted the plumbing because the fountain appears not to be coming out of Dick's spout as originally designed but it's squirting out of his ****!
Yours Sincerely
Quentin Tarantino
Municipal Officer of City Works
Dear Big Ron,
I've been havin trubbles tenderising me rump of late. Each time Oi buy a nice slice it's bin a bit gristly and sinewy.
If Oi hit me rump with a tenderising mallet, do ye think Oi might be able to soften it up a bit.
There's nuthin werse than a big slice of buttock ye can't bite into.
Yours in meat,
B.Hind