YArrrrr...
Oi though O'id been missun a good game of soccer for a while. Oi heards the Toadfish do indeed love their soccer and followin a chat with the monks they have allowed us to build our own 60,000 seater stadium on the village outskirts.
The bulk of the team have made it over to the Monastery. Even Coach Sibling Chatty is here.
So we should be able to do some serious damage - ummmmmm...in a really humble way Oi mean.
So strap yer soccer boots on and lets get kickin'
Are yer ready to kick some Euro Cup Qualifin' butt or what?
BRING IT ON....YARRRRR!!!
Err, well then, Oi better start working on some new sports peg legs, me Mark IIIs got left in the other place.
First fings first, Oi need ter sekuwer a suitable power sauce. Oi 'ave found Bart's fishe heade stewe ter be very effective in the past (espeshully wiv the ole Mark IIIs), but it does tend ter be a bit unstable. Oi was wonderin if Oi were ter mix it wiv some red cowe sandwich paste iffen that moight just do th' trick.
Any team mates loike ter volunteer fer sum testin?
Cap'n Bluenose
Bluenose wrote:
Oi was wonderin if Oi were ter mix it wiv some red cowe sandwich paste iffen that moight just do th' trick.
AAAARRRRGH!...that could cause a superconducted quark to swallow up the entire universe! Either that or ye'd start a plague!
Brin' it on!!!
I've been savin' a few gallons o' rum just for an occasion like this!!
Quote from: Black Bart on October 07, 2006, 04:05:18 PM
Bluenose wrote:
Oi was wonderin if Oi were ter mix it wiv some red cowe sandwich paste iffen that moight just do th' trick.
AAAARRRRGH!...that could cause a superconducted quark to swallow up the entire universe! Either that or ye'd start a plague!
Aaaarrrgghhhh, Oi be seein what ye mean. Wot if we were ter get some o Big Ron's sausages ter use as control rods. Oi would reckon that they would moderate th' reackshun so that all tha' quark energy would be re-directed causin' controlled baryon decay. This orter provide great gobs o' power, but in a controlled way. Th' main fing Oi be worried about then be the tachyon emissions. Oi spect Oi'll have ter develop some controls wot work before they be operated. Kood be a bit tricky, but Oi reckon any Pirate worf is salt shuld be up ter it!
Cap'n Bluenose
YArrrr...
Ere be the current P.M.F.C. squad as it stands at present.
There be room for more if they be willin to do the trainin'. We'll add to the squad shortly.
Goal Keepers
Aquijiim
E.Eraser
Defenders
DaveL
Sibling Quetzacotl
Teripie
Alpaca
BlueNose
Midfielders
Sibling Noname
Sibling Quasimodo the Meromorph
Calico Jack(Plank)
Kyoodle the Gambrinous
Forwards
Beagle
Black Bart
The Black Spot
Humble and Virtuous Hooligans Association
Opsanus Tau, President
Coach
Sibling Chatty (Dee Dee)
Manager
Outis, Penultimate Sibling of Unreadiness (Kat)
YYYAAARRR...I've been practisin me penalty takin...at the right end this toim! :toadfish:
HVHA! HVHA!
Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!
We both rule and are unworthy SIMULTANEOUSLY!!!!
How do we do it?
VOLUME!!!!!
Quote from: Opsanus tau on October 08, 2006, 04:30:22 PM
HVHA! HVHA!
Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!
We both rule and are unworthy SIMULTANEOUSLY!!!!
How do we do it?
VOLUME!!!!!
OK, I laughed until I had tears in me eyes on that one...
As this be the start of qualifying games I think we need a friendly to help us prepare for the important games to come. Well we are in luck chaps as one of me crew was in Marseille for a week and found an establishment to rival Fifi's in Portsmouth.
Madame Chantal in Marseille said her girls would gladly play a friendly with us, what do we think lads shall we take on Chantal's girls.
YArrrr..
Oi say yes to the girls...for a game of soccer Oi mean. Marseille be a foine footballin' town.
What team should we replace inthe real Euro Competition? Someone moderately benign like Macedonia?...YArrrgh sorry lads!!
Don't underestimate Macedonia, they are a quality side, one of their players plays in The Albanian 3rd Division, no wander England struggled against them.
At least one of their players is good in fact Alexander is Great.
I've heard o that Alexander chap...he were really good at undoin knots...but he cheated by usin his sword!
Yaaaarrrr....
I wuz aboot ter say sumfin aboot footy, but ther were a sign wha' sed Grog,grog,grog,grog...so Oi got me sum an' Oi fergit'd whut Oi were aboot ter say.
If I disremember it if Oi sober up, Oi'll tell yer...hic.
Hic...YAAAAARRRRR, Footy!!
Go Piraticarrr...
Yarrrrrzzzzzzzzzznorkmphzzzz
YArrrr...
E.Raser must still be werkin out how to get into the Monastery. Looks like we'll be down to Aquijiim in goals. Ere be the side for match against 'Madame Chantals Wanderers'.
P.M.F.C
Aquijiim GK
DaveL RB
Sibling Quetzacotl CB
Bluenose CB
Teripie LB
SiblingNoname LM
Meromorph CM
CalicoJack CM
Kyoodle RM
Black Spot S
Black Bart S
Reserves Beagle, Alpaca
M.C.W
'Beeg' Sophie GK
Mademoiselle Gigi RB
Betty 'Boom Boom' CB
'Awesome' Honore CB
'Gorgeous' Gertrude LB
Francene 'The Flagellator' RM
'Steamy' Solange CM
'Curvy' Claire CM
'Yes Mistress'Marie LM
'Red Light' Roxanne S
'Cat of 9 tails'Catrine S
Don't forget we are there for a soccer match...YArrrr!!
Bags I to man mark Gorgeous Gertrude!
So it is a warm welcome to the Stade Vélodrome in Marseille for a friendly match between P.M.F.C (formerly known as Piratica who famously reached the 2006 World Cup Final) and M.C.W (Madame Chantal's Wenches who were practicing their ball juggling skills prior to the game to an appreciative audience).
Before the game the two team captains exchanged Gifts. Dave L gave 'Gorgeous' Gertrude one beautifully carved replica of an 18th Century Pirate Ship whilst 'Gorgeous' Gertrude gave Dave L one...
00.00 So the Game kicked off in front of a Capacity Crowd most of whom were Chantal's customers who had no where else to go.
06.02 The First chance of the game went to M.C.W as Cat of 9 tails Catrine trapped the ball beautifully on her chest and then volleyed the ball just wide of the post.
11.38 A fine cross field ball from Meromorph sent Black Bart through on goal. However Black Bart was stopped in his tracks by Mademoiselle Gigi who winked at him seductively. Black Bart's legs turned to jelly and he fell to the ground and the chance went begging.
17.55 The Black Spot was getting frustrated as he could not bring himself to use his cutlass on one of the opposition. So Spot turned his frustration on his own team, however his decision to chop off Teripie's legs did not go down well with the coach Sibling Chatty who was forced to make an early substitution.
18.00 SUBSTITUTION: Beagle replaces the unfortunate Teripie
24.56 Bluenose gets involved in a tangle with Francene The Flagellator in the centre circle. Both players leave the field, Bluenose to change his shirt and Francene The Flagellator to apply more make-up.
31.45 In the crowd things are turning ugly, no there is no crowd trouble, Big Brenda has turned up to take her seat in the VIP area.
38.22 GOAL M.C.W 1 – P.M.F.C 0. Awful Defending by P.M.F.C lets in Red Light Roxanne who scores with a deft header straight from a corner.
41.02 Heavy rain falls out of the night sky and the crowd cheer loudly as two of the M.C.W players engage in a fight near the corner flag which has turned very muddy.
44.45 GOAL M.C.W 2 – P.M.F.C 0. Curvy Clare scores a 2nd goal for M.C.W with a wonder strike from 35 yards.
45.00 So it is Half-Time and a shock is on the cards as P.M.F.C have been completely outplayed by M.C.W.
Nice call there Calico Jack...Did I see Brenda putting on her boots for Piratica?
Oi'm havin a bit o trubbel kallabr... colleeberat... adjustin me new peg legs. Oi jest doant seem ter be able ter get all the bugs out. As a matter o fackt three beetles crawled out o me right peg leg when Oi took it off after half toime ter adjust me boot. Oi fink some o the fish ed stew be leakin out of the reaction chamber an they be eatin it, the poor little critters.
Anyow, Oi've refuelled and Oi've made a few adjustements wot Oi 'ope be roight, so Oi reckon Oi shuld get more power in the second arf.
Calico Jack wrote:
'Black Bart's legs turned to jelly'
Was it rasberry jelly, I love rasberry jelly!
lordy! I come on here to avoid football having been one of the unfortunate 72000 who paid to sit through the Macedonia game and people mention it! >:(
can I be in a football team please as I am a celebrated attacking midfielder.
'ere, Goat!
Yer can substitute fer me, as Oi'm 'avin' a "crisis o' lack o' faith" after seeing Big Brenda's boots (Disco Brand Oi thinks they are!).
Oi'can't feel me gnosis, not nohow!
...Well yer not going ter find yer gnosis by feelin down there, Quasi!
There was pandemonium at Half Time as most of the Piratica team were caught tryin to sneak into 'Madame Chantal's Wenches' changing room! The entire team were shown yellow cards. The Black Spot chuckled to himself as these weren't the only cards they had aquired and he pulled out of his pocket Red Light Roxanne's business card. Calico Jack also chuckled to himself as he'd been tryin to snog Gorgeous Gertrude and he pulled out the card she'd slipped to him, it read:
'Fishheadsterine...sends bad breath to Davy Jones Locker!'
45:10 And it's time for the second half. Lovely bit of passing werke there by the PMFC. The Monastical Cheer Squad has turned up. They are not very rowdy though, and appear to be prayin' for PMFC to score a goal.
48:45 Substitutions for PMFC. Mystery substitutes Goat Starer and Brenda McTavish come on. Mero and Sibling Quetzacotl are off. Brenda takes up a very large portion of the central defence.
49:30 Lovely ball werke by M.C.W down the right hand side as Awesome Honore puts Francine the Flagellator into a gaping hole. Lovely defensive werke by Brenda who drops the shoulder, sending Francine flying. Yellow card for Brenda.
52:33 GOAL M.C.W 2 P.M.F.C. 1 Bolstered by the improved defence, Sibling Noname and Goat Starer combine to put a nice swinging cross into Black Spot, who heads it into back of the net. The entire stand erupts into Monastical chanting.
54:00 A fight erupts in the stands when Opsanus Tau humbly asks Madame Chantal's fans for a vow of silence, following much swearing. Followin' several insults from their fans, Opsanus and members of the H.V.H.A. humbly beat the livin' beejebies out 'em.
60:55 Gorgeous Gertrude is yellow carded for a swinging elbow into Black Bart's head. Brenda comes in from the other side of the field to start a brawl. Tensions on field are rising. Sibling Chatty is told to return to the dugout.
61:47 The ensuing indirect penalty by Beagle swings low hitting the cross bar.
69:21 GOAL M.C.W 2 P.M.F.C. 2 Pushing forward for the equalizer, a nice deft touch from DaveL to Calico Jack who puts a swinging cross into several players in the box. The ball ricochets off Brenda's bum, landing in the far left corner. A distance of 20m is maintained while Brenda celebrates her goal. The monks in the stands finally go off, humbly lighting flares.
76:16 M.C.W. open up a nice play on the right again, sending Redlight Roxanne into the open goal, who scores. The ref blows offside as the entire P.M.F.C. is camped up the other end of the field, checking out Madame Chantal's cheerleaders.
80:00 More substitutions as Alpaca replaces Bluenose. Madame Chantal replaces Mademoiselle Gigi with 'Ooo-la-la' Oola.
86:54 PENALTY Alpaca receives a nice pass from Kyoodle inside the 18 yard box. He is mercilessly hacked down by Betty 'Boom Boom' and Awesome Honore, who leave him writhing in pain. Black Spot reaches for his cutlass. Betty 'Boom Boom' is red carded.
88:05 GOAL M.C.W 2 P.M.F.C. 3 Beagle steps up to take the spot kick, which is hammered past Beeg Sophie low and to the right.
90:00 The ref blows full time. The victors are finally invited down to Madame Chantal's dressing sheds for an after match celebration. They have yet to come up for air. Oooo-la-la-arrrggggggghhh!
talk about an inspired substitution!
;D
Two days after the end of the match I have just got out of the dressing room after the post match party with the opposition. I feel that I have gone 10 rounds with Big Brenda.
So who's up next.
Can I get some sleep first..
Signal from Bluenose to Sibling Chatty, Coach
DEAR COACH STOP OI BEEN DELAYED STOP FRANCINE THE FLAGELLATOR SAYS OIVE BEEN A VERY NAUGHTY BOY AND SHE WILL BE FINISHED GIVING ME MY JUST DESSERTS BY SATURDAY STOP DONT WORRY STOP BLUENOSE
Not another head injury! I fear I'll be joinin the Chelsea goal keeper in hospital at this rate!
Sumboddy wif two good arms get out th' flags and send a semaphore to Bluenose.
Bluenose, Francine be a terribul liar and is onlye trying to keep you from practices. If she is not charging you overtoime an' does not eckspek to be busy ovverwize, you has me permishun, as long as you remoine the other players that Saturday is their deadloine as well. Ferthermore, ALL mus' return in fit condishun ter play.
Black Spot might have a spare key to th' shackles Francine uses. He finks he knows what cells she borrowed 'em frum. Let us know if we need to send in sumbudy wif an axe.
Coach Chatty
Follow up signal to Coach Chatty:
THANX COACH STOP IS IT ORRITE IFFEN OI ENJOY ME PUNISHERMENT QUERY HAVE TOLE OVVER PLAYERS ABOWT THE SATERDEE DEDLOINE STOP PLEASE ARSK BLACK SPOT TER BRING KEYS OVER FRIDAY NITE STOP LUV BLUENOSE MESSAGE ENDS
BBC AAARRRGH Pundits, with Special guest Sir David Coleman. The pundits have turned up too late for the match but they are in time to see the antics of Bluenose and Francine the Flagelator
Coleman: Well here we are then..looks like Bluenose has gambled all his eggs!
Lineker: The perfect setting for a one sided contest, don't you agree David.
Coleman: I think the game is finely balanced in Francine's favour Gary?
Lineker: Well I honestly think Bluenose can go all the way David...unless his money runs out.
Coleman: I've got a gut feeling in my stomach - this is going to be some match.
Lineker: Francine's going straight for the heavy shackles.
Coleman: Well yes Gary, as I always say: if you can't stand the heat of the dressing room, get out of the kitchen.
Lineker: Well I think the viewer's are getting their money's worth today...you don't get this sort of entertainment on Satelite TV!
Coleman: Well Gary - I've never seen anything quite like this on or off the pitch!
Lineker: Well viewers, tune in next week for Black Bart v Gorgeous Gertrude.
Spot?? Please take the keyes wit' ye on Froidday. Also, please, ter check aboot fer enny 'implanted devices'. If th' team come back wi' bugs, I shan't be amazed, but Oi wud prefferre they nae be electrical 'uns. (Tis hard enouff ter git them to bath as 'tis.
Coach
...LASH!
Aaarrgghhh!!
...LASH!
Aaaarrrggghhhh!
...LASH!
Stop it Francine, that tickles!
...LASH!
YArrrr...
Once Francine is done givin' Sibling Bluenose a taste of the bullwhip, Oi suggest we play in the Euro 2008 qualifying rounds.
Oi must admit though, a few trial games against Madame Chantals Wanderers may be required for...ahem...therapeutic and remedial reasons.
Any suggestions which country we should replace will gladly be accepted (especially Croatia and Macedonia... ;D).
Oi think Brenda may have played her way into the startin' lineup. But she's gettin a bit jealous of the M.C.W. girls.
I think we should replace some reather unimportant team, like Andorra, Liechtenstein or Albania...
I would prefer t' replace Faroe Islands, so we could revenge t' losin' o' t' World Cup t' t' French...
We could replace 'Kazakhstan' and all start talking like Borat!
I vote that we replace San Marino and go into the same group as Germany, Wales ard Ireland.
YYYAAARRR...that way we might come second to Wales! :rockon:
coming second to wales would be like losing the an egg and spoon race against monkeys!
Ye've gone too far this time matey...get over to the insult challenge at once and prepare to be lambasted!!!
I don't want t' replace San Marino...
It's t' same group, where t' Czechs be in, and I don't want t' face me country...
'Tis a honorable patriotic stance, but THINK O' THE BEER, MAN!
YArrrr...
Wales sounds good to me too.
By the way, there are a bunch of extremely angry Santa's helpers (some female) are keen for a trial match. They said there is hell to pay for mine and Black Spot's effort for trying shooting down their master on last year. Several Easter Bunny helpers are also keen.
Spot and meself might be in for some extra attention. Should we take em on?
Quote from: Agujjim on October 20, 2006, 01:42:14 AM
'Tis a honorable patriotic stance, but THINK O' THE BEER, MAN!
Don't worry about t' beer. There will be plenty o' it, with t' help o' me contacts in t' Czech beer industry
YYYAAARRRR...I loiks a drop o the Czech stuff meself, be thar a port wher I can anchor for replenishment?
Okey Dokey,
The Czech Republic it is! Our qualifiying group shall be as follows:
Piratica
Germany (not them again!)
Slovakia
Wales
Cyprus
Ireland
San Marino
Yargghh, bring on the next trial match, the combined Santa and Easter Bunny's Helpers (SAEBH's)Rovers. Ooooh, this is gonna get nasty...in a really humble way of course ;D.
Can I wear my fake antlers, could be handy up front?
A LETTER TO DAVE L
To: Dave L Cap'n Piratica FC
From: Rudolph Cap'n SAEBH's Rovers
We are most honoured that a team as mighty as Piratica, World Cup Finalists in 2006 have agreed to play a friendly against our little team. We do have a few concerns regarding the game which I am hoping you could answer for us.
1. Those of us in the Present creation subsidiary are very busy now in the lead up to Christmas, therefore we would not want to travel to far for a game. A home game in Lapland would be preferred, unfortunaly we don't have a pitch but we could draw one up in the snow, would that be OK.
2. Some of our players are worried that your travelling party will include Big Ron the Butcher. Many of our players, not least myself are very worried what Ron may do with a meat cleaver and we would ask if you could not bring him with you.
3. A final request is that a few local dignitaries are being invited to the game and would like to be presented to the players before the match. Most notably a Mr Claus (more commonly known as Father Christmas). Are you happy for your team to be introduced to Mr Claus who has promised extra grog in all your stockings providing you are all very good.
Thank you and we are looking forward to the game.
Rudolph
Quote from: DaveL on October 20, 2006, 12:47:02 PM
Okey Dokey,
The Czech Republic it is!
I think I've been misunderstood, I didn't want t' replace t' Czech Republic, as well as I didn't want t' enter their group...
But I guess that's too late t' complain now... It might be a good choice, because t' Czechs could be cosidered pirates, because o' their love for grog and thei greetin' ("ahoj", read as "ahoy"), but I would still like t' see t' Czechs at t' EC...
But I guess we can't all be satisfied and I'm assurin' you that I will give 100 percent on t' pitch!
Now brin' on t' matches, me cutlass be itchin' for some action!!!!
Ahaaarrrggghhh!
Oi be feelin much betta now, after all that relaxashun ferappy wot Oi got fanks ter Francine. Oi be fightin fit an ready fer the next match.
Did someone mention beer? Orltho it be a poor substitoot fer rum, Oi reckon Oi cood go a kupple er pints about now...
Cap'n Bluenose, the Flaggellated
Quote from: Kiyoodle the Gambrinous on October 20, 2006, 03:26:35 PM
Quote from: DaveL on October 20, 2006, 12:47:02 PM
Okey Dokey,
The Czech Republic it is!
I think I've been misunderstood, I didn't want t' replace t' Czech Republic, as well as I didn't want t' enter their group...
But I guess that's too late t' complain now... It might be a good choice, because t' Czechs could be cosidered pirates, because o' their love for grog and thei greetin' ("ahoj", read as "ahoy"), but I would still like t' see t' Czechs at t' EC...
But I guess we can't all be satisfied and I'm assurin' you that I will give 100 percent on t' pitch!
Now brin' on t' matches, me cutlass be itchin' for some action!!!!
NEWS FLASH: **Team shall replace Slovakia instead. Right next door, close to the Danube and still close to beer**
Yarrrgh, just tell me what bunch o' foine athletes (it were pointed out to me that callin' the opposin' team a bunch o' gormless maggots were not humble) we shall be facin' and 'till be heavy practice rotations fer all.
Kiyo, yer in charge of procurin' suffishint beverages fer keepin' th' theam well hydrated and ready ter play. Aggie, please watch Bluenose fer leakin' bandages or a tendancy to scream "Whip Me, Mommy" at toimes of stress, an' report to me if there be a problem.
Oi be havin' a small meetin wiv th' Tooth Fairy and several ovver of them folks what has reports aboot th' next team we play. Sum o' their 'speshul abilities' moight be overcomme wif' a bit o' help from friends...
(Those wishin' to petition th' Tooth Fairy for a fair return on missin' teeth for which ye were nae compensated, please gi' me yer names and a chart of wha' ye desoire, eiver dentchers or dubloons.)
Coach Chatty
Errr, Coach,
kood Oi 'ave a set o' dentures made out o' dubloons?
Bluenose
Yes, but Oi am reequoirechoireqirt, by law, supposed to warn ye that they'll nae stan' up to th' reglar eatin' o' Fish Head Stew.
Foul Henry over to the blacksmith will make 'em for ye, but ter fit them he'll make ye chomp down on a half-rotted ruterbeggroodybegrouterbig HUGE turnip, so as 'ee kin fit them to yer gums.
Can nae be werse that th' Fish Head Stew.
LETTER TO RUDOLPH
To: Rudolph
From: PMFC Management
In response to your request, we would be humbled and honoured to take youse blighters on in the Artic Circle, Rovaniemi, Finland.
We should warn you, that given the recent hostilities which have erupted between Santa and DaveL/Black Spot, we are concerned for their safety.
We must explain the cause of the current state of hostilities.
Capn DaveL was extremely upset with Santa as a child. He simply did not deliver the presents that were promised. He is still awaiting delivery of an 8 pounder cannon, promised when he 8 years old to shoot rabbits with. The handkerchief's received in lieu of the 8 pounder, was simply unsatisfactory.
Since this time, Dave has been itchin' to have a crack at the 'big bloke in red'. Last year he did conspire with one 'Capn Black Spot' to quote "try and blow the fat bugger out of the skies".
We are concerned for the safety of Santa Claus, should he attend the match. However, we are sure that both Dave and Spot will be on their best behaviour (as far as I can gather).
As a minor safety precaution, we recommend that Santa be housed in a 800mm thick concrete bunker. Other than that, he will be perfectly safe (I think).
Big Ron McGregor will be left at home as an act of goodwill, as the remaning tour party will be bringing much trouble with them, both on and off the pitch.
We look forward to the upcoming match.
Kind Regards,
The Management P.M.F.C.
PS Does Santa have life insurance?
PPS Several of the team may require an after game...'rub down'. How's the Rovaniemi red light district?
PPPS How does reindeer leather stack up?
Can we also ave assurances that the pitch wont be covered in Reindeer poo?!
Sotto voce
Psst, Bart, Oi doan no abowt ye but this ban on grog is makin me moighty twitchy. Ow abowt ye come ova ter moi place an we can troi owt a new brew o me rum errr, tonic. Ye can invoit any o the players, but make sure Coach Chatty an Team Captain Kiyoodle doant find owt.
Whisperin in the bilge's
YYYAAAAAARRRRR...Grog! I'll ave some innocent lookin lucosade bottles made up in case we get raided!
Aaargghhh Bart me ole shhipp-mayte, Oi fort ye were never gonna make it over ear.
Have a shwig of me latesht rum, err tonic.
Oi fink Oi might 'ave a nuvva kuppla bottles o "tonic" messhelf, itsh a very good year, eh Bartey boy!
Singing (badly)
Fifteen men on a dead man'sh chest, Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, err tonic!
err...
We are the champoinssss, we are the championssshhh...
Wot 'appenned ter all me tonic, errr, Oi'l jesh ave ter get anuvva shix bottelsh outta me lokka.
Arrrr, thatsh the shtrick, wotz vat Bart me ole mate? Ok ere'sh a cuppel o bottelsh. Oh, moi bottlesh are all empty, ow did vat appen? Oi fink OI got shum ova shomwear here, er, dare vey arrrghhh. ...shchamionsh otha werlde...
Thud.
Yarrrr...
THE RUMBLE IN ROVANIEMI...BRING IT ON!!
We are up against the very best the Easter Bunny and Santa can throw up against us.
Oi thinks some of the lads are very much looking forward to this one. It might get a bit ugly. Just don't forget to be humble.
Due to popular request, Francine the Flagellator has been added to the support staff for the trip north. Ere be the line-ups for the two squads.
P.M.F.C.
Agujiim – GK
DaveL (c) – RB *
Kiyoodle the Gambrinous – CB
Sibling Blue Nose – CB
Alpaca – LB
Sibling NoName - RM
Goat Starer - CM
CalicoJack – CM
Beagle – LM
Black Bart – F *
The Black Spot – F *
* Declared as 'dead meat' by the FSAS during a recent press conference.
Reserves: Teripie, Capn Cronan, Meromorph, Brenda McTavish,
Coach: Sibling Chatty
THE FESTIVE SEASON ALL STARS (F.S.A.S.)
Elf No. 234 - GK
Blitzen - RB
Bugs Bunny – CB
Dasher – CB
Vixen – LB
Thumper – RM
Rudolph (c) – CM
Myxo-matosis – CM
Comet – LM
Brear Rabbit – F
Cottontail – F
Reserves: Dancer, Elf No. 442, Jack Rabbit,
Coach: Mr E. Bunny – just out of hospital
Go get 'em lads. Just watch out for those reindeer horns. YARRRR!!
Yarrrrrr...
I made it just in time for t' start o' t' match with t' drinks for t' squad.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...Snnnnrrrrrffffgggg....ZZZZ...
ZZZZ....Grmmmph......Snork!.....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.....
Yo ho ho an er bottel o.......ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....
On me head son! Goats are renowned for their headers.
I haz bin drinkin lucosade n'other istoton...Istono...isotnik drinks wiv bluenose in preparapartation fer the match..hic, buuuuuurp!
We be sharp as a christmas pudnig!
ZZZZ...Mmmmpppphhhh...
Urrk... Wassat Bart? Djou saye sumfin?
Two ships o' rum, two ships o' beer, and t'ree ships o' tonic...
That's all I've prepared for t' match. You think it will be enuff?
YYYAAAARRRR...when be this match loikly to kick off? I be yearnin to kick some bunny butt, er, football.
YArrr...
Oi's hear the lads have just cleared North Pole customs. There were a few suspicious items which needed inspecting. Aparently it was the barrel of the Supergun, that raised eyebrows. Yarrr!!
YAAARRRGGGHHHHWWWWWNNNNNNNNN!!!!
Arr, Oi be feelin moightily refreshed afta me little kip. Nuffin loike a fresh batch er tonic fer the makin a swab feel loike a bit of football.
Oi've diskuver descovvert found owt that Oi can fuel me peg legs on the tonic, it seems that some sort o kemikle chamockil (you know wot Oi mean) reackshun took place between the left over Lucosade in wun o Barts bottels and me latest tonic which seems to be makin fer a very powerful fuel. Oi'll need Bart ter 'elp me out wiv th testin fer the roight consentrashun - when it begins ter kick loike Bart's fishe hed stewe we got it about roight. Oi know it be a moighty sakrifyce wot Bart an me will 'ave ter make ter taste all that tonic fer the roight strength jess before th game, but we be the pirates fer the job when it comes ter testing rum, err tonic.
Jess let any o them littel bunnies any where near me peg legs an Oi'l kickum into the middel o next week, in a humble toadfish pirate way o course, ye be unnerstannin.
Yarrrr...Welcome to Rivendell Stadium in Rovaniemi for the big clash between Piratica and The Festive Season All Stars. The pitch is as expected – icy, slippery and downright freezin'. There were slight delays with North Pole Customs, who seized the following Piratica items upon arrival: 7 sets of knuckle dusters; 10 x M16 Machineguns; 8 x SAM missiles; 15 x cutlasses and 1 x 400mm Iraqi-supergun with 30 rounds of ammunition. All goods were returned, when Sibling Kyoodle explained that he was just minding them.
The F.S.A.S have won the toss, with P.M.F.C to run with their backs to the F.S.A.S. fans during the first half. DaveL and Blackspot have been left on the bench and will come on, when the crowd is humbly subdued by Sibling Opsanus's thugs. There's Santa, waving from his specially constructed concrete bunker.
The F.S.A.S look rather angry out there. The Pirates appear rather calm.
00:00 Kickoff It's an all in brawl right away. Several of the reindeers charge straight for Black Bart. Cottontail and Calico Jack start grappling. Sibling Bluenose lies unconscious on ground. The ref notes several whip marks and confiscates his Madame Chantal's Gold Pass.
10:06 Fired up after the brawl. F.S.A.S start stringing passes together. Thumper beats Alpaca to a header, which sends Myxo-matosis on a clear run. Shot nicely saved by Aquijiim.
18:53 Bad clearance by Blitzen puts the F.S.A.S under pressure. Beagle shoots just wide of the left upright. Elf No 234 mouths off somthing about Orcs and Hobbits.
26:10 Play is stopped when Black Spot is seen firing large projectiles from the stadium car park. Several dozen elves are injured when the main grand stand is hit.
33:45 Long restart clearance from Elf 234 headed down by Comet puts Dasher through on goal, nice scything tackle by Kyoodle. Another brawl erupts. DaveL seen running to Santa's bunker with rocket launcher.
40:30 GOAL F.S.A.S 0 Piratica 1 Piratica start getting into the game. Fancy footwork from Alpaca to Sibiling Noname who sets off on a run. Nice cross from NoName volleyed into the net by Black Bart.
Another fight erupts. DaveL's rocket propelled grenades make little impact on Santa's bunker.
44:13 F.S.A.S push forward, as Bugs Bunny sends Vixen up field. Nice pass into Rudolph who hits the cross bar. Rudolph needs help, as his antlers get stuck in the net.
45:00 And the ref, blows half time. No sign of Brenda, Spot or DaveL on the pitch just yet. It should be an exciting second half coming up. Yarrr!
Ummm, wot 'it me? Oi jess remember the tinklin o sleigh bells, a flash o red an whyte then blammo! Ow, me ead urts'- 'ang on, where's me Gold pass? Some blaggard's pinched me Madam Chantel's Gold Pass! Now Oi really got me dander up. Let me at em. Oil murderaite the blaggards! (With all due humility...)
Half toim conference in the changin room. Nows our chance to get St Nick. I strap on me antlers and head over to the bunker! Flanking manouvre by the Black Spot and Dave L...he can't escape this toim!!!!!
Wondering around aimlessly, clutching head...spies Black Bart. Yells...
Hey Bart! Wotyer doin? Why yer got those sticks tied ter yer 'ead? An wotz Black Spot and Dave L doin over there?
Which one of you blaggards is callin' the second half? Go on get on wif it!
The 2nd Half was delayed due to a massive snowball fight which broke out between players of both sides. However The Black Spot played dirty by inserting a broken Rum bottle inside his snowball which caused Thumper to incur a fatal head wound. However, at least the crowd was spared that irritating Thumping sound whenever the annoying Rabbit was near the ball.
45.51 GOAL F.S.A.S 1 PMFC 1 First attack of the 2nd half resulted in a goal from F.S.A.S when Bugs Bunny's wayward shot rebounded off Rudolph's sled into the top corner of the net.
51.23 Black Bart was late back on the pitch as he was last in queue to see Santa. "So what do you want for Christmas" said the friendly be whiskered old man. "Grog, Brenda an a new ship, now git yer hand off me leg yer dirty varmint" said Bart.
56.24 A sudden blizzard then enveloped the ground and visibility was so bad that the crowd could not see the action. When the snow cleared Dave L and The Black Spot were seen tucking into Rabbit Pie and of Brear Rabbit there was no sign.
64.40 A typical surging run into the Penalty Area by Goatstarer was ended by Blitzen's desperate tackle. Penalty ruled the referee. I be taking it said Sibling Blue Nose as he raced up to the penalty area. However F.C.A.S were not beyond illegal tactics themselves as unbeknown to PMFC Bugs Bunny had attached a stick of dynamite to the underside of the ball.
64.45 Sibling Bluenose raced up to the ball and BOOOOOOMMMMM as Sibling Bluenose was hurled 500 feet into the air. "What's up Doc" enquired Bugs Bunny of a dazed Sibling Bluenose as he hit the ground minus his legs.
67.22 Sibling Bluenose was furious "I am going to git that pesky rabbit". Meanwhile The Black Spot nodded to Dave L and said "it be time". Dave L and Spot took off their thermal bandanas and came on to the pitch replacing the unfortunate Sibling Blue Nose and Beagle.
74.25 Dave L first action of the 2nd half was to take a swig out of his Rum Bottle, unfortunatly the arctic weather had frozen the contents and a frustrated Dave L hurled it into the crowd where it hit a fat drunken man in a red coat.
82.16 Cottontail made a mistake when he giggled as The Black Spot slipped over on the icy pitch. The Black Spot grabbed the jolly Easter Rabbit and attached him to a large projectile which was launched into the cold arctic sky.
89.51 GOAL F.S.A.S 1 PMFC 2 A last minute winner for PMFC as Calico Jack's cross is fumbled into his own goal by Elf No. 234 under pressure from Black Bart who had picked him up by his ears.
90.00 The final whistle is blown and PMFC have overcome the hostile conditions to record a well deserved win. However, Dave L's ship is trapped by the ice so the team is flown out of Lapland on the back of Rudolph's sled.
Now then...why can't an Arsenal match be that entertainin?...
Oh hang on, there were goals in it! ;D
Yarrr, buggritt, now Oi 'ave ter make new pair o peg legs, jess when Oi were gettin the Mk4s werkin real good loike.
Oi managed ter buy a replacement Gold Pass at 'alf toime on Arrghh Bay, an it only cost me 3000 dubloons, so Oi'll be able ter maintain me match fitness! Them gold passes be mighty rare, so Oi were lucky it came up jess after Oi 'ad me previous wun nicked. 'Ope it arrives in toime fer me Wensday session wi Francine...
YArrrr...
Nice call there Calico Jack. Did we get 'im, or did he escape.
Does anyone have a spare hair dryer? Oi can't seem to melt this ice around me Argghh 9000.
AARRGH...Ye fool, just pour Fish Head Stew oer the side...twill melt the penguins an all!!!!
YArrrrr...
It will also melt the North Pole. Al Gore will come chasin me with a big smitey stick ;D
Who are we playin' next by the way... was that Madame Chantal's Wanderers Oi heard youse say? No, they are out of bounds, Coach Chatty's orders. Coach don't like the damage those girls do to the players after the match.
Oi heards Madame Fifi's footy team 'RL (that's Red Light) Portsmouth is not on the Chatty's banned list yet.
RL Portsmouth be leadin' the Piratica House of Ill Repute League (P.H.I.R.L) and have some real talent. Brenda was their star player for many years, before she got drafted by the Monastery.
YArrr...when's the next Euro Champions round?
There are some fixtures on the 15th of November but I can't remember which team we are replacing.
Oi believes we settled on Slovakia. Their next match ain't till March next year against Cyprus.
http://soccernet.espn.go.com/fixtures?league=uefa.euroq&date=20070327&cc=3436
AAARRRR...Thar be toim fer a return match aginst 'The Dribblin Parrot'...half toim ale festival included! ;D
Arrrr...
We be needin anuther Goal Keeper to assist Aggie when he be off at Madame Chantal's, so the Monastery 'as drafted Tansy into the squad for the upcomin' un-friendly against the Dribblin Parrot Hotel.
The Dribblin' Parrot Hotel are the local Portsmouth drunkards and ruffians coached by 'used galleon' dealer Honest John O'Grady. We last played 'em on the road to the world cup.
Oi heards they were a bit upset wif our roughhouse tactics ie use of swords, cannons and parrots durin' the match.
P.M.F.C.
Tansy - GK
DaveL - RB
Bluenose - CB
Kiyoodle the Gambrinous – CB
Alpaca – LB
NoName - RM
Goat Starer - CM
CalicoJack – CM
Beagle – LM
Black Bart – F
The Black Spot – F
Reserves: Agujiim (currently locked in the Count of Monte Christo Room, using Bluenose's Gold pass), Teripie, Brenda McTavish, Swatopluk
The Dribblin Parrot Hotel
Thomas 'Golden Taps' Graverson - GK*
Kenny '2-Pint screamer'Ingram - RB
Ernest 'Short-changer'Puddock - CB
Norbert 'Vomitboy' Putney - CB
James'Bacardi Breezer'Kindlinwood - LB
Terrance 'DT Man' Spencer - RM
Erik 'Skol-up' Nordstrum - CM
Jimmy 'Porcelain Bus' Jones - CM
Jake 'Cleanup yer puke' Mutton - LM
Marty 'Passionpop' Borthwicke - F
Feargal 'You Little Thief' Sharkey - F
Reserves: Several blokes lying in the gutter.
* Yarrr...yew guessed it, Bustlin Brian's ole boss!!
yarr I fancy our chances in this game as we be outnumbering them 12 to 11. However as The Black Sopot spends most of is time in the crowd organising riots it evens it up a bit.
aaaarrrgh bring it on
YArrrr...
Oi better stay off the grog. Oi puts Bluenose in twice. Never mind, those pneumatic peglegs will have him all over the place.
Yarr!!!
Oi sez bring it on! Oi bin praktissin me goal shootin, an now Oi can hit a swabby sized target from 300 yards wiv me peg legs set to maximum power. Oi'm avin a bit o trubble but, az Oi need some more swabbies for target praktiss, coz the wunz Oi bin using keep fallin over wen their 'eads get knocked orf boi the football. Iffen enni o yoo mateys got sum spare wuns, please send over to me ship.
Cap'n Bluenose
Oi be bringing me mates from the ParaFootie Club along fer ye ter substitute fer me when needed.
Match Report: Piratica Monastical FC vs The Dribblin Parrot Hotel
It seems like an age since Piratica now re-named the Piratical Monastical Football Club last played The Dribblin Parrot Hotel. That time, in a closely contested match, Piratica won 3-2. The match was an aimiable affair with only 6 yellow cards and two red cards before half time and the occasional punch up. It was during this match, however, that Piratica formulated their distinctive brand of Piratical Football which was to take the World Cup by storm.
PMFC
...............................Tansy
Dave L(c).......Swatopluk.............Bluenose........... Kiyoodle the Gambrinous
Calico Jack........Alpaca........ Goat Starer...........NoName
..........................Black Spot.................Black Bart
subs: Agujiim, Teripie, Brenda McTavish, Beagle
DPH
Thomas 'Golden Taps' Graverson - GK*
Kenny '2-Pint screamer'Ingram - RB
Ernest 'Short-changer'Puddock - CB
Norbert 'Vomitboy' Putney - CB
James'Bacardi Breezer'Kindlinwood - LB
Terrance 'DT Man' Spencer - RM
Erik 'Skol-up' Nordstrum - CM
Jimmy 'Porcelain Bus' Jones - CM
Jake 'Cleanup yer puke' Mutton - LM
Marty 'Passionpop' Borthwicke - F
Feargal 'You Little Thief' Sharkey - F
subs: Jimmy 'Jockstrap' McHamish, Danny 'The Strangler' Butterworth,
Dave 'Bowie Knife' McFadden
Hoping to avenge their defeat The Dribblin Parrot Team utilised underhand tactics from the start. Before the kick off liberal amounts of grog was made available and Black Bart and Dave L only just made it to the game after an organised punch up at the Admiral Benbow.
Eagerly antisipating another blood bath a huge crowd have gathered in the Capn Cronan Memorial Stadium to cheer the two teams on.
Kick off: Piratica 0 Dribblin Parrot 0
02.13 Team captain DaveL, nursing one black eye from the fight at the Admiral Benbow and another black eye from an earlier fracas involving Pirgella, shouts "NO PRISONERS" and charges cutlass aloft straight at the referee! Yellow Card.
06.12 Black Bart receives the ball on the halfway line and begins a lengthy game of keepy Uppy whilst holding off the Parrot Players with his cutlass. The Piratica team's World Cup experience is quickly beginning to show and it's not long before they are in front.
06.15 GOAL 1-0: Tremendous shot by Calico Jack catches Kenny '2-Pint screamer'Ingram napping and the ball flies into the net. It soon becomes clear that Kenny is not napping...he is dead, a cutlass protruding from his back bone! The goal stands.
06.16 Fight breaks out as The Black Spot tries to retrieve his cutlass...from Kenny's back!
09.30 The referee is getting jumpy and shows NoName a yellow for time wasting...inspite of his explanation that getting a good edge on a blade takes time!
09.32 Fight breaks out as Marty 'Passionpop' Borthwicke attempts to lob the Piratica goally but the ball is blown out of the air by Bluenose's pistols.
14.12 GOAL 1-1: Swatopluk gets the ball in the six yard box and clears to NoName who tests his sword edge on Terrance 'DT Man' Spencer. NoName crosses to Black Bart who traps the ball effortlessly with his right foot, sells Ernest 'Short-changer'Puddock a dummy, shimmies to the right, jinks to the left, spins on a sixpence and blasts the ball into his own net!!!
17.02 SENDING OFF: Kiyoodle the Gambrinous receives a straight red card for illegal use of a brace of pistols in a built up area.
23.06 The Referee, lulled into a false sense of security by the lack of fatalities, awards a free kick to The Dribblin Parrot Team on the edge of the area. Marty 'Passionpop' Borthwicke steps up to take the free kick only to observe the wall set up by the PMFC players are all aiming muskets at him. He deliberately blasts the ball into the crowd...sensible really.
31.08 GOAL 1-2: DPH play their joker early by making a double substitution. Danny 'The Strangler' Butterworth and Dave 'Bowie Knife' McFadden come on for Jake 'Cleanup yer puke' Mutton and Marty 'Passionpop' Borthwicke. The two hard men make an immediate impact by kidnapping Tansy and Swatopluk...in the confusion that follows Feargal 'You Little Thief' Sharkey bangs home DPH's second.
31.11 Fight breaks out. The Black Spot, Calico Jack, Black Bart, Bluenose and Dave L all surround the referee brandishing their cutlasses. All are yellow carded and that means Dave L is dismissed for getting two yellow cards. The referee doesn't make it to half time!
45.00 HALF TIME 1-2 Piratica are down to 7 men, two sent off and two kidnapped, and have a mountain to climb in the second half.
Match Report: Piratica Monastical FC vs The Dribblin Parrot Hotel (2nd Half)
The start of the 2nd Half is delayed whilst another referee is sought. As the PMFC team return to the pitch with their cutlasses drawn, not surprisingly there is a lack of volunteers.
Finally in desperation the match officials approach Dave L who was sent off in the 1st half and ask him to referee the 2nd half. Dave L grunted "how much do I git paid" "100 Dubloons" said the desperate officials hoping that Dave L's reputation for being a vicious thieving blaggard would be enough to restore some semblance of fair play. "All reet" said Dave L "but I want me red card rescinded so oi can play as well". The match officials looked at each other and said "Yes, anything just keep the varmints in order". So Dave L returned to the pitch as PMFC Captain and Match Referee.
47.25 Ernest 'Short-changer'Puddock was the first to challenge the authority of the new referee when he scythed down Goat Starer. The sound of breaking bones echoed around the stadium.
47.31 As Dave L rushed up to Ernest 'Short-changer'Puddock the crowd held its breath, would it be yellow, would it be red. Well neither actually as Dave L launched into a savage attack kicking and beating Ernest 'Short-changer'Puddock before shooting him in the head with his pistol. In the crowd one old sage could be heard saying "He doesn't forget does Dave L, he was short changed by Ernest in the Dribblin Parrott Hotel Three Years ago".
55.25 Black Bart still being roundly booed (by his own players) after his own goal in the 1st Half tried to make amends with a spectacular overhead kick in the DPH penalty area. Unfortunately the ball was down the other end of the field at the time so Bart's acrobatics went unrewarded.
63.42 The Black Spot delivered a quick swipe of his cutlass to remove Danny 'The Strangler' Butterworth legs just before he was about to shoot. Dave L ran up to The Black Spot brandishing a bottle of grog "ye be drinking this, that be a foine tackle" he said. Then remembering his refereeing duties he booked Danny 'The Strangler' Butterworth for bleeding profusely on the pitch.
69.10 GOAL 2-2 It be the equaliser for PMFC when Calico Jack rose highest in the box and knocked the ball into the net with his hand. As DPH players surround the referee to protest, Dave L dismisses them with a hail of bullets from his Bren Gun.
70.25 The start of play is delayed as DPH only have 1 player remaining alive on the pitch. After quickly drawing up his will Norbert 'Vomitboy' Putney agrees to continue after the remaining substitute Jimmy 'Jockstrap' McHamish is brought on to the pitch to join him
79.25 Despite wave after wave of attacks PMFC are struggling to break down a stubborn 2 man defence. The latest culprit to miss a golden scoring chance is NoName who misses an open goal from 6 Yards no doubt distracted by Norbert 'Vomitboy' Putney who lives up to his name by covering NoName in last nights Fish Head Stew.
84.25 The crowd begin to drift out of the stadium frustrated by PMFC's inability to score. As arranged Dave L's crew are in place to meet them as they leave relieving them of their dubloons, grog and parrots.
89.55 GOAL 3-2 Finally DPH's stubborn resistance is ended when Dave L awards a penalty after Black Bart is brought down by Jimmy 'Jockstrap' McHamish near the half way line. Dave L takes it himself and blazes it over the bar. "I be taking it again" he said "as their keeper moved" which was surprising as DPH had no one in the goal. This time he made no mistake blasting the ball into the empty net.
90.00 Dave L's whistle then ended the match and the 7 remaining PMFC Players and the 2 from DPH trudged off the pitch for some well deserved grog.
YArrr...
Fine call there Calico Jack. Oi quoite like this refereein' thingy. As long as Oi be refereein' for PMFC.
Pass me another rum Saucy Gert. It's toime to get plastered *hic* *hic*
So who are we playing next, maybe a friendly again before Xmas.
Also should we drop Black Bart his shooting is as accurate as Steve Harmison's bowling.
Yarr,
Oi doan no, Oi carnt be 'avin enni more o these namby-pamby friendly games, 'ow a bout we orgernize an unfriendly game?
Oi aheared that Ivan the Terrible be puttin tergetha a team o' historrickle tierants, diktaters an th' loike, the Terrible Wanderers. Why don't we challenge 'em to a little hard-ball football Pirate style, eh mateys?
Cap'n Bluenose
YYYYAAARRRR...bags I gets to mark Stalin...he be due fer a good kicking! After the match if Joseph survives I'll treat him to a free holiday at me very own Gulag Archipelago...Fish Head Stew is at it's best at -40 degrees!
can I just point out that my contract is up for renewal at the end of the season and if I dont get a whopping payrise I will be gone on a bosman!
The coachin' staff has been discussin' yer pay wi' management. We hev decoided that all hands will be receivin' double what they get now, as double naught is still wi'in our budget.
:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :taz:
jess' so long as th' rum's still inner contrakt...
mebbe we's shud be askin' fer eggnog?
;)
Aye, th' rum'll be pervoided, an' sum seasonal eggnog as well.
As usual, there'll be more nog than egg...
YArrrr...
There be nuthin more common than a soccer player havin a hissy girly fit. Give Goat 5 dubloon, so he can go and get a new haircut and tattoo.
To all the players of the P.M.F.C.
Because of the recent complaints by some of the players about the height of their salaries, the management of the team, in cooperation with the training staff, has decided to increase the amount of the money the players will receive as from the beginning of the next year.
The wages will be doubled. That means that the players will now receive the double of the amount of zero.
As this will cause a major expenses from the team's budget, the amount of rum given out to the players will have to be cut. To avoid this, the rum will be replaced with the much cheaper (and more effective) special tonic.
We want to apologize for this inconvenience and wish the team good luck in the coming games and years.
Yours sincerely
The P.M.F.C. Management
Ivan the terrible has agreed to captain a team of not very nice people to take on the clean-cut lads from P.M.F.C in a pre Xmas friendly. P.M.F.C were unable to play this game in Portsmouth as several of Ivan's players were liable to get arrested if they set foot in England, however one of their opponents Nero Claudius Drusus Germanicus (Nero to his mates)came to the rescue by arranging for the use of the Coliseum in Rome to stage the game.
Note that the game will not take place until the pay dispute with the P.M.F.C selectors has been resolved. However, now that the wife and children of the chairman of selectors has been kidnapped by The Black Spot we expect the dispute to be resolved very soon.
P.M.F.C were unchanged from the fine win against the Dribbin Parrot Hotel, whilst Ivan had to search far and wide to come up with his select eleven, the teams therefore are:
P.M.F.C.
Tansy - GK
DaveL – RB (Captain)
Bluenose - CB
Kiyoodle the Gambrinous – CB
Alpaca – LB
NoName - RM
Goat Starer - CM
Calico Jack – CM
Beagle – LM
Black Bart – F
The Black Spot – F
Ivan the Terrible (ITT) Select XI
Pol Pot - GK
Kim Jong-il - RB
Jack the Ripper - CB
Benito Mussolini – CB
Conan the Barbarian – LB
John Christie - RM
Ivan the Terrible – CM (Captain)
Edward Teach – CM
Nero Claudius Drusus Germanicus – LM
Sweeney Todd – F
Josef Stalin – F
Before the game Ivan the Terrible approached Dave L and asked if could select one of the Pirates as he was short of players. "Foine" said Dave L, "Edward Teach cannot get into our side as he is even more useless at Football than Black Bart so you can have him"
Let the game commence
Is Ivan waiting for Cheney to be forced out before playing him, or is he concerned that the old reprobate's ticker will give out on him?
Or is it that Cheney's got a gun??
http://tinyurl.com/sfvhd
Quote from: Calico Jack on November 30, 2006, 02:06:30 PM
Before the game Ivan the Terrible approached Dave L and asked if could select one of the Pirates as he was short of players. "Foine" said Dave L, "Edward Teach cannot get into our side as he is even more useless at Football than Black Bart so you can have him"
YYYAAARRRR...At First I thought that Calico Jack has finally lost his noodles...Givin the hopposition the most deadly Poirat what ever sailed the Seven Seas!!!!
Then I remembered...we has The Black Spot...even if ye added Genghis Khan, Attilla the Hun and Chopper Harris to the other team it would still be one sided!
despite having all four legs broken in the last game I see I have retained my place as the midfield dynamo ;D
could be a fairly static performance from the Goat!
PS. Here is a picture from my early days at the Cost Rica football acadamy before signing for PMFC. This was when I was a Small BBG. I am now BIG
(http://homepage.mac.com/benbabusis/tropicaltrek/tropicaltrek-Images/94.jpg)
Are ye playin for the Skins or the Shirts?
shirts. I am after all covered in the finest angora wool - not to mention tha fact that otherwise the chap in orange is badly outnumbered.
I have recently had completed my biography (http://www.personalconsultcart.com/webdocs/Items/Details11.cfm) like all good overpaid football stars.
Brazilian football star Garrincha (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garrincha) allegedly last his virginity to a goat. It was NOT me.
I shall buy a copy at once!
£1 from every copy goes to Buttercups (http://www.buttercups.org.uk/)
AAWWWWWWWWWW...I shall get me crew to buy copies an all...bless em.
Message to ship's cook...Goat Curry be off the Christmas menu.
This is an official statement of the PMFC Management, made under gun no pressure and volonteerly:
After long bloody fights but nevertheless friendly discussions with the players of the PMFC, the Management has decided to tripple the players wages and the amount of rum will remain the same as before. The players will even receive special eggnogg (provided by Bluenose Industries ltd.) for the holidays.
The Management wants to see you all dead apologize for the recent inconvenience.
Will you let my family go now?
Match Report: Piratica Monastical FC vs The Ivan the Terrible Select XI (1st Half)
There were 100,000 screaming Romans in the Coliseum to watch the so-called Pre Xmas friendly match between PMFC and Ivan the Terrible (ITT) XI. The war of words between the teams intensified before the start as PMFC changed their mind and refused to allow the Pirate Edward Teach play for the ITT XI. Conan the Barbarian was also missing from the original line up, as they could not find a shirt big enough to fit his huge frame. However two able substitutes were found in Genghis Khan and Attila the Hun. The teams therefore lined up as follows:-
PMFC
Tansy - GK
DaveL – RB (Captain)
Bluenose - CB
Kiyoodle the Gambrinous – CB
Alpaca – LB
NoName - RM
Goat Starer - CM
Calico Jack – CM
Beagle – LM
Black Bart – F
The Black Spot – F
ITT Select XI
Pol Pot - GK
Kim Jong-il - RB
Jack the Ripper - CB
Benito Mussolini – CB
Genghis Khan – LB
John Christie - RM
Ivan the Terrible – CM (Captain)
Attila the Hun – CM
Nero Claudius Drusus Germanicus – LM
Sweeney Todd – F
Josef Stalin – F
Before the start of the game Ivan the Terrible issued a rallying statement to his team. "Now listen here lads this team of piratical scoundrels intimidate all of the teams they play by killing them all, now they are not going to do the same with us. You have been selected for this team as all of you are amongst the most evil vile dregs of humanity to have ever lived, so we will play them at their own vicious game".
With that rallying cry ringing in their ears it was a very determined ITT XI that walked on to the pitch. In fact led by Genghis Khan on horseback with his wild hair and crazy eyes they were indeed an intimidating bunch.
0:01 With the noise from the crowd reaching a crescendo PMFC kicked off and immediately The Black Spot was brought down by a wild tackle from Stalin. What a statement of intent from the ITT XI, The Black Spot being the most evil blaggard to ever sail the seven seas. Surprisingly the referee took no action against the evil Russian waving play on.
4:55 At the first corner Dave L was prevented from jumping up and clearing the ball by Sweeney Todd who neatly removed his left ear with his haircutting scissors. Dave L bleeding profusely was incandescent with rage but what could he do, his teammates seemed fearful of the opposition.
7:24 Black Bart was suddenly through on goal when the imposing figure of Mussolini blocked his route. "Lei morirà se va il passato me" boomed the portly Italian. Black Bart did not understand what was said but the intent was clear "There you are, you can have the ball I don't want it" said the cowardly Bart.
11.15 In the crowd things were not going well either as 5000 PMFC fans were arrested by Roman Legionnaires and were fed kicking and screaming to the Lions.
17:26 GOAL PMFC 0 – ITT XI 1 A well deserved goal from ITT as Nero stormed through the PMFC defence on his chariot to volley the ball into the net.
24.22 Alpaca removed the ball from John Christie, however the notorious murderer grabbed Alpaca by the hair and force fed poisonous gas down his throat. The players of PMFC looked on in horror as Alpaca died a lingering death on the pitch.
33.04: A rare attacking moment from PMFC as Calico Jack's cross hits the bar and is cleared by Attila the Hun who was temporaily diverted from burning down the Coliseum with his army of barbarians.
41.12 Ivan the Terrible reacts a to a poor referring decision by removing the official's head before going to the PMFC bench and systematically slaughtering all of their coaching staff. He then takes one look at Brenda in the crowd and wisely makes his way back to the pitch.
45:00 It is a very weary and bedraggled PMFC team who troop off at half time, much work remains to be done to turn things round in the 2nd half.
need an orange after that half!
Oi be orderin a triple dose o' compressed fishe 'ead stewe ter refule me peg legs. Goat, can ye give me a 'and ter strap these sidewinder missile racks ter me arms, Oi'm a thinkin we be needin a littel extra punch in the second 'alf.
Cap'n Bluenose
aye me hearty! sindwinders it be! and oive attached me finest extra large horns!
Yarrr! Thank ee fer that.
Oi'm thinkin that we need ter do sommat about the crowde. Bart! D'yer reckon ye culd fill up that water-canon over ther with fish head stew and spray it all over the ITT supporters? Oi reckun that wuld quiet 'em down a shade or two.
Cap'n Bluenose
Alert hospitals for nuclear burns and possible strangulations as they try to swallow their own 'eads ter avoid the FHS overspray.
YArrrghh...gives me that missin ear back Ivan. Otherwise O'ill 'aves to change me name to van Gogh (or if you be Welsh van Gogogogh).
Half Time Team Talk for Piratica, Stuart Pearce and Vinnie Jones are brought in to sort things out:
Stuart Pearce: Black Spot, Black Bart, Jack o Lantern or whatever your bleedin name is...in fact all of you...YOU ARE A BUNCH OF BLEEDIN WIMPS!!!!
Vinnie Jones grabs hold of Bart's unmentionables...
WHERE ARE YOUR BALLS? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A WELSHMAN LIKE ME!
Bart in very high pitched voice: 'They're more evil than us Vinnie...we've finally met our match!'
Vinnie: RUBBISH...your going out there and you're going to kick their arses from here to East Ham...er, Cardiff. Give em your evil face Stuart...
Stuart Pearce: What, the one what I did when I scored in that penalty shootout for England...
Vinnie Jones: England scored in a penalty shoot out? You've been managing Man City for too long Stuart, your going soft in the head!
Stuart Pearce: Pirates my arse...more like a bunch of girlies in the Henley Regatta...NOW GET OUT THERE AND SORT IT OUT!!!!!
Match Report: Piratica Monastical FC vs The Ivan the Terrible Select XI (2nd Half)
The Coliseum organisers made some decisions at half time to appease the spectators many of whom were somewhat puzzled to see 22 strangely dressed men kicking a strange circular object round the arena. In fact one of the fans known to his mates as Claudius complained to his friends at half time, why not cut their heads off and boot that around instead. Claudius was not the only unhappy Roman as many of the fans were distinctly unimpressed with the lack of gratuitous violence in the first half.
So by way of half time entertainment the arena organisers announced that the Lions would be released into the arena and a search was on to find an unwilling victim. This is where they made their first mistake as they began their search in the PMFC dressing room and found one very willing volunteer in The Black Spot.
The Black Spot was in a mean mood he had been roughed up by some bad tackling by the ITT XI in the 1st half and boy was someone going to pay for that. He swaggered on to the pitch where 12 very hungry lions gradually began to form a circle around him. The first beast with a huge roar attacked The Black Spot fully expecting to sink his teeth into his flesh but no The Black Spot with superhuman strength plunged his sword into its side and it collapsed dead into the arena amid a gasp of astonishment from the crowd. One by one the Lions attacked him but each one of them was repelled until the only living thing in the arena was The Black Spot with his sword bloodied. The Black Spot strolled off the pitch whistling a sea shanty and received a congratulatory bottle of Rum from Dave L.
The arena organisers then made their second mistake by agreeing to PMFC's request to extend the half time break from 15 minutes to 2 weeks. This gave PMFC a huge advantage as it allowed The Black Spot to recover from his half time exertions, Dave L to have his ear sewed back on and Bluenose to receive his new jet propelled peg legs.
So on New Years day the teams returned to the pitch the only change from the 1st half was to replace the injured Alpaca (who had to pull out due to his untimely death) with Quasimodo (Meromorph).
47.25 The first action of the 2nd half came with a corner to PMFC. The ball was cleared and came to Dave L who was lurking outside the box. Dave L ignored the ball but instead reached for a chain gun and sent several rounds of bullets into the crowded penalty area. Nero lost a leg, Sweeney Todd lost an ear (sweet revenge for Dave L) and Black Bart lost his bladder as he wet himself in fright.
54.02 Welcome back Sir Francis Drake to his familiar role of leading the riot in the arena. As his hooligans with their eye patches and hooks swarmed into the arena there was a mass stampede to the exits by those wearing togas and sandals.
59.17 Black Bart after his short wetting escapades was now back to his imperious best with a fine overhead kick that missed the goal and ended up in Gaul.
64.22 The Black Spot not wishing to take a back seat was warned by the referee for shoving Jack the Ripper with his hand. Unfortunately for the notorious Serial Killer it was The Black Spot's hook hand and Jack the Ripper was left with a huge hole in his face where his eyes used to be.
69.55 GOAL PMFC 1– ITT XI 1 An equalising goal from PMFC as a sweet move involving Calico Jack, Dave L and Beagle was finished with aplomb by Bluenose who crashed the ball into the net with his new peg legs. The ball broke the net tore through the wall of the Coliseum and can still be seen to this day in the night sky slightly to the left of Venus.
71.09 After a short delay whilst a new ball was found, Dave L nearly gave PMFC the lead, however Genghis Khan's Horse diverted his goal bound shot around the post.
77.16 The ITT XI made a desperate attempt to rough up PMFC as Pol Pot, Stalin and Mussolini attacked Dave L out of the referee's eyesight. As Dave L went down to the ground beaten by the fists and boots of the three evils despots help was at hand as The Goat Starer let off a cannon which blew a hole in the side of the coliseum. In the melee that ensued The Black Spot with three quick slices of his cutlass blade left three heads rolling about on the pitch.
83.48 The cannon fire increased as under the direction of Dave L three Pirate vessels sailed up the Tiber and let off a stream of cannons into the already dilapidated arena.
86.25 GOAL PMFC 2– ITT XI 1 Black Bart scored what looked to be a late winner for PMFC by hoofing the ball into the back of Nero's Chariot. However, Nero in his desperation to get out of the smoke filled arena drove his Chariot through his own net and the referee after consulting with his assistant awarded the goal.
90.00 As the referee blew the final whistle the Coliseum was ruined and the crowd had scattered. Meanwhile the ITT XI had all been murdered caught up in cannon and musket fire whilst the PMFC team had all disappeared to Signor Sophia for an after match massage.
YYYAAARRR I don't wish to get all political loik but as we done such a good job o gettin rid o the world's evil despots...maybe we could offer Blair, Bush and co a quick game of quoits. I would avoid playin the buggers in footbal as they might smell a rat!
YArrrr...
Oi votes we 'aves a match against the Neo Conservative Rovers Football Club at the P.N.A.C. (Project for the New American Century) Stadium.
Bush, Rove, Cheney,Delay...you name it, it should be quite a match.
I like the idea of a game against famous 20th Century Statesmen. How about this for a team
From UK: Churchill, Thatcher
From USA: Roosevelt,Kennedy
From Russia: Lenin, Gorbachev
From France: de Gaulle
From Germany: Kohl
From Australia: Hawke
From Spain: Franco
From Argentina: Peron
If ye 'ave Peron, ye need Pinochet as well...
I t'ink 'e should b' t'e goalie.
Yaaarrrgh.
YArrrr...
I've booked a match against a line-up of 20th Century Statesman called the Ultra-nationalist Rightwing Loony Football Club (U.R.W.L.F.C.) Some of these blaggards could have made Ivan the Terrible Select XI.
U.N.R.W.L.F.C
Juan Peron - GK (Argentina)
General Franco - RB (Spain)
Maggie Thatcher - CB (UK)
Ante Pavlic - CB (Croatia)
Idi Amin - LB (Uganda)
Robert Mugabe RM (Zimbabwe)
Slobodan Milosevic CM (Serbia)
John Howard (also known as 'Bonsai' or 'Little Bush')CM (Australia)
Donald Rumsfeld LM (US)
George W. Shrub F (US)
General Pinochet F (Chile)
Reserves: Eugene Terblance (South Africa), Benito Mussolini (Italy), Herman Goering (Germany), Ferdinand Marcos (Phillipines)
Should we give 'em a game lads? They are quite indignant lot, calling our team a 'big bunch of pussy cats'. They also reckon in our previous match we played like crappola and were lucky to win.
Whaddya say lads?
We go over to our pundits at the BBC AAARRGH studio for a pre-match discussion.
Sir Ron Manager: Marvelous...what a line up...takes me back to the old days...small boys, jumpers for goal posts...enduring image. Slobodon Milosevic in mid field...didn't he used tp play for Villa?
Lord Gary of Lineker: They've left out Tony Blair Ron do you think that's significant.
Ron: Sorry didn't quite catch that one Gary, do I think Tony Blair is a what?
Gary: Pinochet up front Ron...that could be torture for the opposition.
Ron: Well indeed Gary, I've heard alot about Pinochet, he is South American after all and apparently he has wonderful ball skills...usually attaching electrodes to them!
Gary: Pinochet is partnered up front by George W Shrub, do you think those two will cause problems for the Piratica defence?
Ron: Well I think there is no doubt that those two have got the bullets that can produce the goods.
Gary: Well thanks very much Ron...can you give us a prediction for the match?
Ron: That's a tricky one Gary...to be honest I'm just looking forward to seeing Maggie Thatcher getting a damn good kicking!
I have had a request from Baby Doc Devalier that well respected dictator from Haiti who claims that he far more of a loony than any of the other fanatics in the U.N.R.W.L.F.C XI and could he play as well.
Will he be leaving his knife and fork at home?
Forget football...it's Arcade Games we be best at. We have a crew second to none and we should challenge the Royal Navy to a full scale battle of Frogger immediately!
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL 2007/08 PMFC v AC MILAN
PMFC have accepted an offer from UEFA to play AC Milan in the Champions League Final on 23rd May. The invitation came about after UEFA contemplated the terrifying prospect of thousands of Liverpool fans converging on Athens and expelled them from the competition. Acting on a request by Athens City Council UEFA decided that hordes of violent drunken Pirates was preferable to loads of violent drunken scousers. Liverpool accepted their removal from the final with good grace as they felt that their brand of boring direct football is unlikely to trouble AC Milan in the final. The provisional teams for the match are as follows, though with two weeks to go to the final, are still subject to change.
PMFC
Tansy - GK
Dave L – RB (Captain)
Bluenose - CB
Kiyoodle the Gambrinous – CB
Agujjim – LB
Griffin NoName The Watson of Sherlock - RM
Quasimodo - CM
Calico Jack – CM
Sibling Chatty – LM
Black Bart – F
The Black Spot – F
AC Milan
Dida - GK
Kaladze - RB
Nesta - CB
Maldini – CB (Captain)
Jankulovski – LB
Seedorf - RM
Gattuso – CM
Ambrosini – CM
Pirlo – LM
Kaka – F
Inzaghi – F
AC Milan's Manager will be that most celebrated of coaches Carlo Ancelotti, however PMFC sprang a surprise by announcing that their new head coach will be Cap'n Cronan. This will certainly make the pre-match training sessions interesting as most of the PMFC team have never met Cap'n Cronan and those that have are terrified of him. PMFC are arranging a press conference for later in the week and it is rumoured that Cap'n Cronan will be in attendance.
Yarrrr...
Oi'd quite like a red and black striped tablecloth.
That Silvio Berlusconi (AC Milan Crony and Italian PM of note)would've made a great player. Didn't he make the U.R.W.L.F.C Second XI?
Bring em on!
YYYYAAARRRR Gattuso's a big girl's blouse, I'll distract him by showin him pictures of Etruscan Pottery!
Yaaarrrr! Oi fancy a bit o' that there spaghetti stuff, Oi ehear that it be jest the thing ter forteefy yerself wiv just prior to a bit o' hexersize. Lookin forward to th' game!
Lucky Oi jest got me thermo nuclear peg legs back from 'aving the reactors refurbished. As a matter o' fackt, after a nasty incident wiv me Aunt Ginnie's cat the uvver day Oi 'ave started to mideefy them agin buy fittin sum retractin claws fer gettin the hextra trackshun in the slippery condishuns. Oi reckon about 12 inches o' claw extenshun shuld do the trick!
Oi'll be right over fer pracktiss in a kupple o' hours, see ye scurvey lot then...
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL 2007/08 PMFC v AC MILAN
PRE MATCH PRESS CONFERENCE
Portsmouth County Hall is the venue for the eagerly awaited Press Conference convened by the Management of PMFC where it is expected that the new team manager Cap'n Cronan will be in attendance. The auditorium is full up with eager journalists, PMFC supporters and drunken locals who fancied getting out of the rain.
On the stage an elderly gentlemen walked on the stage flanked by large men in suits and with some difficultly sat down in one of the four empty seats on the stage. "Gentlemen, Pirates and Drunks" he announced in a loud voice "I am Ken Liversausage Mayor of Portsmouth" at which point a crescendo of boos filled the auditorium "I am chairing the Press Conference today and would like to welcome on stage the following;
Slim Tim no hand: Chairman of 'Get Hooked Ltd' Main Sponsor and Supplier to PMFC
Dave L: Cap'n of PMFC
Cap'n Cronan: newly installed Coach of PMFC
However, only two figures emerged on to the stage to take their seats and it was clear from the groans from the audience that it was Cap'n Cronan that was missing.
"Excuse me" said a clearly drunk Dave L "I's like to pologise for Cap'n Cronan not being ere but e be in gaol yer see on account of murdering Bony Tony landlord of the Admiral Benbow for refusing to stock Belgium Beer. However, it is a minor misdemeanour an we expect im to be out termorrow to take a training session afore we sail for Athens"
"OK lets make this quick" said the Mayor "as Dave L is pissed needed to conduct a training run with his team"
"Yes" came a voice from the back "I am Strong John from The Daily Pirate, "How do you expect to cope with Kaka who is arguably the best footballer in the world"
"Well" said Dave L belching loudly "The Black Spot will be asked to perform a man marking job on im, an after marking im with is hook, he'll mark im with his cutlass, lets see if e is the best footballer in the world after that.
"OK who's next" said the Mayor
"Yeh" said a scruffy woman in the front "I am Lazy Daisy from Portsmouth against Pirates I want to ask Slim Tim about the ethics of being associated with a group of cut throat varmints who plunder, pillage and murder good honest sea faring folk."
"Well Love" said Slim Tim "it be simple really, we sell hooks, the more people who have their hands cut off, the better the business is for us. In fact we are expanding into the advanced prosthetics field and plan to introduce our new range of electronic peg legs soon, which I feel sure will interest one of the PMFC players Cap'n Bluenose"
"Right last question" said the Mayor
"Hello" said a giant figure standing at the back "I be Tall Paul from Rum Weekly "Will ye be partaking in any Rum prior to the match and take advantage of the otherwise hidden benefits that you gain by drinking copious amounts of Rum before serious Sporting competition"
Dave L who by this time was sound asleep was given a shove by the one of the bouncers and awoke "Yer talking ter me are ye" he said "yarr we start preparing fer the match ternite, yer can come along if yer buy me a case of Rum hic"
"OK folks that's it" said the Mayor, "I have to go now to set up me illegal betting scam conduct important civic duties for the citizens of Portsmouth. Can someone please carry out Dave L and clear up the pile of vomit on the floor"
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL 2007/08 PMFC v AC MILAN
It was on a hot and sunny afternoon in Athens as supporters of both teams congregated in the bars and restaurants and peacefully enjoyed the build up to the big game. Peaceful! what's going on, well it appeared that UEFA neglected to inform Liverpool fans that their team have been expelled from the competition, so being the useless incompetent buffoons they are they decided to get someone else to do their dirty work for them.
Later in the day a flotilla of ships landed in the port and a collection of extremely rough looking characters embarked. Right lads said Dave L, the Liverpool fans we can deal with now and the Milan fans we'll save fer later. Now we need to guard our ships with these varmints around, or they'll all be on bricks come the end of t'day.
Bluenose was first to come across the Liverpool fans and was determined to demonstrate his new carbon fibred peg legs on the unfortunate Liverpool fans. "Calm Down" Calm Down" shouted lots of men with 1970's perms but to no avail, one quick kick from those lightning fast legs and several thousand Liverpool fans flew back to the UK faster than a group of Polish plumbers.
So with the Liverpool fans removed from Athens, the final could commence and the teams that took the field lined up as follows:
PMFC
Tansy - GK
Dave L – RB (Captain)
Bluenose - CB
Kiyoodle the Gambrinous – CB
Agujjim – LB
Griffin NoName The Watson of Sherlock - RM
Quasimodo - CM
Calico Jack – CM
Sibling Chatty – LM
Black Bart – F
The Black Spot – F
AC Milan
Dida - GK
Kaladze - RB
Nesta - CB
Maldini – CB (Captain)
Jankulovski – LB
Seedorf - RM
Gattuso – CM
Ambrosini – CM
Pirlo – LM
Kaka – F
Inzaghi – F
Before the match the teams exchanged mementoes, Maldini presented Dave L with an elaborate diamond encrusted figurine of an 18th Century Italian Pirate whilst Dave L presented Maldini with a dirty 18th Century Cutlass delivered directly into his head.
00:00 Black Bart kicked off avoiding a prostrate Maldini in the Centre Circle and played a wonderful through ball for Kaka who scored.....for Milan. What a start Milan 1 PMFC 0 within seconds of the kick off.
05:39 Black Bart was in a strange mood, after his monumental error had given Milan the lead he ran towards the centre circle and then started attacking the soil with a large spade. Dave L broke off from trying to rearrange Gatuso's face and wandered over to Bart. "What ye doing Bart" said Dave L with a sigh "It be Treasure" said Bart excitedly "X marks the spot". Dave L looked and saw that the evening sunshine had cast a huge shadow of the floodlight pylons on to the pitch and wandered off shaking his head.
11:41: Without Bart who was now 20 feet below the pitch, PMFC were struggling to contain a free flowing Milan side who doubled their lead when Dave L's attempted clearance got caught up in his dress and the ball landed at Inzaghi's feet who tapped home. Milan 2 PMFC 0
20:57 The PMFC support was now very angry and they turned on their team and hurled loads of Rum bottles on to the pitch. The Black Spot removed one of them from his back and in a frenzied rage tore into the crowd. Dave L managed to persuade him to return to the pitch but not before Spot released several shells into his own supporters. The Milan supporters then responded with "Your not singing anymore" before The Black Spot aimed a couple of shells in their direction as well.
29:22 With pasta shells falling out of the sky from the rubble caused by The Black Spot's cannon fire there was more bad news for PMFC. It would appear that Bluenose's peg legs have a design fault as after a crunching tackle from Pirlo the Peg Legs snapped in half and Bluenose was left hobbling around on his stumps, his match therefore effectively finished.
35:48 It was Calico Jack's turn to make an almighty cock up as his attempted clearance from a corner stuck on his hook and then unseen by the referee he was pushed into the net by Seedorf. Milan 3 PMFC 0
43:45 As half time approached there was suddenly a shout of joy as Black Bart standing in a hole the size of Wales, shouted "I have found it, it be Treasure lads". His teammates found Bart at the bottom of a hole holding a large object in his hand. Despite their predicament in the match they all burst out laughing when they discovered Bart holding a large lump of solidified Parrot Pooh .
45:00 So at Half time PMFC are 3-0 down to AC Milan, surely the match is over, after all have you ever heard of a team turning around a 3 goal deficit. Could the mysterious Cap'n Cronan inspire his team to a 2nd half comeback.
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL 2007/08 PMFC vs AC MILAN (2nd HALF)
The Half Time entertainment was provided by pilots from the Greek Air Force who did a fly over across the stadium. The Black Spot managed to bring two of them down with his cannon but the rest of them got way.
IT was interesting to note that none of the PMFC team went into the dressing room as they were all terrified of Cap'n Cronan who though was the team manager no-one had actually seen at the game. It was up to Dave L as team captain to provide a tactical summation of the first half performance "We were all shite" he said "Bluenose has no energy left, his legs have gone, Black Bart as lost is mind an Calico Jack was total rubbish an I as mud on me dress an it won't come off"
45:01 The handful of spectators that were left in a stadium that had more holes than the Parthenon welcomed the teams back on the pitch with deafening silence. I wouldn't say the Italians were over confident but they spent most of the half time break parading the European Cup and quaffing Champagne.
53:25 A much more positive start by PMFC as The Black Spot cut through the Milan defence leaving a pile of bodies on the penalty spot. Black Bart would have scored but he fell down the hole he had dug in the 1st half and the danger was cleared.
61:34 A sweeping move by PMFC ended with Agujjim hitting the bar.... after that he hit a couple of nightclubs before getting a kebab on the way home.
70:06 At last the pressure paid off as the Milan substitutes who had come on to replace their fallen colleagues failed to recognise Dave L in his dress (despite his huge Rum sodden beard) and attempted to chat him up, in the confusion the ball fell for Sibling Chatty who tapped home Milan 3 PMFC 1
76:43 Milan then resorted to every man behind the ball in an attempt to protect their lead. However, Dave L had spotted a weakness in the opposition and attacked the flanks of the opponent in a pinching movement. This suburb tactic left the Milan team stranded in the middle of the pitch and left all 10 outfield players from PMFC unmarked, one of which The Black Spot tapped into an ungarded net. Milan 3 PMFC 2
82:08 An announcement was then made over the tannoy "Urgent message for Ken Liversauasage Mayor of Portsmouth and very important man indeed who is watching the match from the VIP area. In your absence you have been drummed out of office and there is a warrant out for your arrest if you set foot in Portsmouth again you despicable cheating lying scumbag"
87:44 Milan had literally parked their bus in front of the goal in an attempt to protect their lead but they were no match for the resourceful Black Bart who smashed the windows and kicked the ball through the gap and into the net. What a comeback Milan 3 PMFC 3. A lone Liverpool fan was then seen running on to the pitch and within 2 minutes the bus was on bricks and graffiti daubed on to the sides.
90:00 Then suddenly disaster strikes for PMFC as their team manager Cap'n Cronan makes an appearance on the sidelines whistling what appeared at first to be a sea shanty but in fact turns out be the big Bros hit from 1988 When will I be famous. The terrified PMFC players take one look at the ghostly, zombie like creature humming that dreadful song and to a man flee in terror. Milan cannot believe their luck and Kaka taps the ball into an empty net to win the European Champions League for AC Milan Milan 4 PMFC 3
AC Milan collect the trophy in an empty stadium, all of the Milan supporters were removed by The Black Spot's cannon shells in the 1st half whilst the PMFC supporters joined their team and were last seen running towards the harbour in an attempt to get away from Cap'n (I love boy bands) Cronan.