Toadfish Thought of the Day

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

Indeed, Zono. I think a few of us are a little baffled by this whole thing, actually.


Ok, going back the very first post-Ingersoll post.
Pages six and seven, there's nothing but intelligent discussion and some reasonable irritation with the speaker, which is understandable since the man seems like an ass.
Shifts to a fascinating discussion of "Yippi-ki-yay motherf**ker."
Shifts back with the reappearance of da Mero.  (just a note, Sibling-mine, they weren't beating YOU with a stick, at least I didn't see that, unless you are secretly Robert Ingersoll and didn't tell us)

I see where the theistic discussion came from, but not sure why it blossomed into what it did. I was more annoyed by his callous view of cancer than anything else, and was surprised that this other thing became the focal point of discussion, even if that's to some extent, what Mero wanted.
Which is perfectly valid discussion, but I'm not sure this was the best quote, based on the fact we have two cancer patients en residence.

I think it started to shift when Mero thought he was being attacked, so to speak.

I'm going to say that there was some misinterpretations. I WILL have to come back to this in a minute, since my computer is acting up, and I have to figure out what on EARTH is going on with my mouse.

[The Meromorph]

I'm stopping in briefly to explain what's going on with me. I'll be back properly soon, maybe much sooner than I thought...

Most importantly I apologise to my beloved sibling Chatty. I love you very much and I was no help to you at all, at a time of your great distress..

It seems I am experiencing severe Depression. I and my ever-loving spouse went to our trusted family doctor this morning, and while he is (very properly) still running lots of test to eliminate several disease processes which mimic Depression, we are all fairly sure it is in fact Depression. Since the only real Diagnostic test for Depression is whether it responds to anti-depressants, I started taking Zoloft this morning. After an hour or two, the changes were fairly dramatic. There's still some way to go, but I feel very much better already.

This may explain, but doesn't excuse, my recent behavior. I apologize to you all.

Lovingly,
Mero 

[Darlica]

 

And welcome back.

[Sibling Chatty]

Mero, you know I love you.

The cancer quote just struck way too close to home. Other than that, there's the crazy that always comes with this season, and one of MY beasties, Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Depression is a whole 'nother beast. I hope the meds can help, and that the first one is the right one. There are so many that even the best doctor is going to be operating on a "best guess" basis.

The chemical level disturbances that cause depression are, thank whoever (or nobody), able to be righted with the correct stuff. I'm familiar with every SSRI and all the other reuptake inhibitors out there. Serotonin is the 'good' one, and if it's working already, yay!

Feel better--or, maybe just feel.

I love you.

DD

[Griffin NoName]

Chatty

I am going to answer your questions in the reverese order of asking because I believe that is order of the process you've been going through.

First I want to say initially you did not overreact, your first post was fine. Perhaps if I hadn't replied the whole thing would have stopped after Darlica's post.

If someone wants to explain to me what I could have done differently...

I have an illness that is horrid, devastating, and quite honestly, actively killing me right now.

In an area where we're 'at home' with one another, I respond as honestly as possible to a short article that literally filled me with loathing and dread.

My responses are inadequate. They cause a problem. I'm 55 years old, and I have not outgrown the need to clear the air if I can and then get the hell out. If I can't clear the air, I can at least get the hell out.

And it seems I can't clear the air.
-------------------

Still waiting.

Someone tell me, please. What do I do differently? I responded to the thing, trying to use humor, trying to NOT be unkind or needlessly, abruptly cruel, and here I am again, at fault for being what I am.

You did respond with humour.

You are going through a "horrid, devastation" and reality is it is "actively killing you". Short and brutal, but I know that is how it is. I cannot think of anything more likely to cause a desperate response than something which links the thing that is killing you with a question of faith when right now faith, I know, will be one of the deepest issues for you, because of what is happening to you.

It doesn't matter what our faith is, and we all have faith whether it has a name that anyone recognises or is a concept purely known to ourselves, and it is the only thing that in the final hour has any meaning for us. Way I see it is, we know that in the moment we are face to face with our own mortality and when that has passed we lapse back a bit from the precipice and all that it means to us. But I remember very well the feeling of that moment, because it went on for a very long time for me, and it is only as far away as the next pain I have in my body. I know that I may wake up tomorrow with the "symptom" of the "end".

Unless one really really lives with that hour by hour day by day it is hard to truly understand what it is like. Even if we have lived with that, the temptation is - get on with living - and we do. But we all have different ways of managing the underneath feeling. And for you right now it is anywhere but underneath. It's not an elephant in the room. It is the room.

In case anyone is in any doubt, Chatty is (I still hope) hoping to go on a trial drug (in Jan? Feb?). She has to live that long. She has to be well enough still to go on it. And if and when she does, it's anyone's guess whether it will be tolerable. And if it is tolerable, it's anyone's guess if it will do anything. Anything at all. It may seem like a few steps along the road, living that long, being well enough still.....etc, but they aren't really even steps. She cannot do anything to make them more likely to happen. She has no control over this process which is destroying her. I cannot over-emphasise the sheer helplessness this process engenders. The feeling that it is engulfing and obliterating.

Chatty, I hope I haven't offended you by saying that. I think it needs saying.

It seems that I am the cause of the problem.

If I can't manage my illness without being an irritant here, then I am the one that needs to NOT be an irritant.

Obviously, Mero's irritated. At me. That is what the post says to me.
By extrapolating to the end of the 'same old' argument that I forsaw, even though I had pretty much say "Yes, I see what he's saying", I was irritating. By questioning in any way his 16 years ago story that he told, I was irritating.

I don't have the energy. I just don't. Hell, I'm too stupid to remember to turn off e-mail notifications, so it's time to back away.

Yes. You don't have the energy. You cannot afford to be stressed. Anything which is stressful has to be dumped. This is the time to totally blot out anything that takes anything away from survival. I have the T-Shirt and if I'd let certain people anywhere near me at certain times it would have nasty gravy stains. I had to say NO over and over again. I know just how important it is to avoid wasting an ounce of energy. And stress takes more energy than many other things.

I don't know how, but part of what I managed to learn to do, was to cut off from certain things. Some things for months on end, other things for days or weeks. It is the only way. When I fail it is awful. I am still practicing.

What you could have done differently is not looked at that thread again until the Thought of That Day was long gone. Or not logged on at all for a few days. Or however long it took to feel calmer about it.

What you could have done is say, that's upset me because.....

But it's not about what ifs. You explode when you need to. That is You. It's who you are. It's what we all know about you. We haven't spent all these months (years) not knowing it. And we love you all the same.

So, no, I am afraid, you do fit in here. You fit exactly. You fit in your way. We fit in ours.

Mero, if wounded, which is by no means certain, will lick his wounds. He will think about it all. He will know that you are you and he is him and we all knew very well what each other were like. If he is cross, he will calm down. If he's wanting to throw the baby out with bathwater, he'll do that.

Trust, Dee Dee, trust.


EDIT

WOOPS

I just wrote all that without realising Mero and Chatty had posted...... I used the "back" key", didn't look at the thread as I'd only read it a few minutes before, whipped straight back to Chatty's posts and quoted.....

I am damned if I am deleting it all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mero I am so sad for you; will post more on that elsewhere.

Hey, I guess Trust works

[Bluenose]

Once again my Siblings awe me.  You have said things so much more eloquently than I have and I look at my poor attempts to help and wonder whether I have been any.  I hope I have, but I wish I had written what you did.

[anthrobabe]

Dearest mero--- sorry you are having a depressed time-- hang in there and I'm so glad you have spousal support- it makes a world of difference.

My Auntie Dee-Dee--- I just love you--- you are you and that is exactly who you should be-- it's not so much about tolerance (one can tolerate something negative) but about acceptance-- I like acceptance more than simple tolerance--- you are you and I'd change nothing about you and you are welcome to be you at all times-- if I ever lead you to feel otherwise- you may smack me and set me straight-- I try to live by this rule, I'm human and I fail often-- but it is what I mean and I mean what I say-- thank you for continuing to help me on this journey through life and learning the Toadfish way(aka Humanity)

[Sibling Chatty]

Griffin,

Trial looks likely to be March or April.

Just depends on lining up a way to spend 3 weeks at the trial site. Medical costs are covered, living expenses are not.

Thank you.

[Griffin NoName]

Trial looks likely to be March or April.

FFS excuse my French.

[Sibling Chatty]

Dan just started his part-time job. It'll take a month or so to catch up the taxes (not enough set aside to match the new tax rate), get both vehicles running so that I can have transportation while having the trial, then pull together expense money...and so on.

It will happen, it will just take time.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

*sigh*

I just caught up with things on this thread.

I am in awe at reading the various words, phrases, thoughts and sentiments of people who dare to expose themselves to each other.

I cannot add anything to what was already said, I think, except to state that I agree with the others, that if a person cannot express what they really feel here, without too much worry how it'll be received, then where?

We've all made a pact to practice tolerance, and I think that also should include being tolerant of someone's very personal and very strong feelings about a subject close to their heart.   (I'm deliberately being non-specific, because I am intending to address this to everyone who expressed strong feelings.)

I am cheered that no one actually left for good, as result; that would be a sad thing, for me, to loose anyone.

again, *happy sigh*.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

^{(deliberate double-post to separate the two)}

One of my favorite Nietzsche quotes:

He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.
-Nietzsche

And two from Ben Franklin, a serious one, and a lighter note, for a humorous finish:

As we must account for every idle word, so must we account for every idle silence.
-Benjamin Franklin

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-Benjamin Franklin

[Opsa]

"I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird."
-Paul McCartney

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

"Installation is the reverse of removal."

- Haynes manual mantra

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

"Don't hate yourself on the morning - sleep till noon"