The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus - all the news that's unfit to print

[Calico Jack]

DAVE L IS GENTLE CLAIMS WENCH

In a savage attack on the notorious Pirate Dave L, Pir-gella has revealed the details of their relationship to our correspondent.

Pir-gella sat on a chair and dreamily claimed that Dave L was the love of her life.  He was gentle, attentive, bought her flowers, listened to her woes and always held her hand and looked lovingly into her eyes.  He always held the door open for her and refused to consummate their relationship until they were married.

The Aaarrrrggghhhus has attempted to contact Dave L to confirm these outrageous allegations but were advised that Dave L wanted to spend some time with his crew to try to rebuild his shattered reputation.

[Bluenose]

PIRATES RAMPAGE AT BOTANY BAY

The Aaarrrrggghhhus's New South Wales correspondant today reports that a wild mob of what witnesses have described as "pirates" swept through the colony leaving a trail of wonton destruction.  Apparently a three masted brigantine, believed to be one of the new Aaaarrrgghhhh 9000+ class, dropped anchor just off Kurnell and a mob of drunken swabs lead by a very strange apparition in a pink tutu rowed ashore in the ship's long boat.  They then proceeded along the shore accosting innocent citizens going about their lawful business and relieving them of any valuables.  The deranged mob then hijacked a bus forcing the driver to take them to The Rocks where they caused a disturbance at the well known Sydney watering hole, The Hero of Waterloo.  Subsequently there were reports of a commotion at the Oxford Hotel, but witnesses outside say that for some reason the mob were considerably subdued upon leaving this famous hotel.  Later in the evening King's Cross police reported that there were a number of complaints from patrons of a "Pink Pussy Cat Club" and that the mob responsible were ejected for being too unruly even for that fine venue.  At last reports the gang were trying to catch a taxi "back to Portsmouth" (seemingly unaware of their position in relation to that place) apparently to visit a "Madame Fifi's", that the gang were comparing various Pott's Point Establishments with, and rather unfavourably too.

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

That acurately describes a few of me nights out in Sydney to a tee. Well everything, except that I've never visited the Hero of Waterloo 

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRR... I had the pleasure of a night out in Sydney once...Bondi Beach and Baramundi fish...a bit nicer than Fish Head Stew!

[The Black Spot]

RAISED FROM THE DEAD!

There was horror this week as a message board rose from the dead.

After being pronounced dead a year ago, the dessicated husk returned to life.

"It was horrible," said a moderator. "One moment I was happily reading one post a day, then suddenly hundreds of messages full of viciousness, smut and crude innuendo appeared on my screen."

Dr Dawkins Henderstein was unavailable for comment.

[DaveL]

YArrrrghh,

Bleedin' raiding parties. Someone should arrest those guys!

[Griffin NoName]

POLITE NOTICE

There will be a line up for Pirates at 12 noon tomorrow. All those wishing to take part will have extra rations if picked out.

[Griffin NoName]

Corrections and Apologies

An accident at the printers led to the issuing of a Polite Notice. This should of course have read Police Notice.

[Bruder Cuzzen]

RAIDING PARTY THE TALK OF THE TOWN


The old section of Portsmouth is abuzz with excitement today as news of the raid spread quickly through the area . Over 500 hundred tourists and 35 ensigns from various fleets showed up to  view the carnage .

"...me wun eye be a tearing up...", said Wun Eyed Jack , " Eyed tought da town wuz dun fer sure....

" I was ready to close the restARRaunt" ,  said ChowMein , hadn't many guinea pigs since me regulars died from unknown causes , but i'm back in bizness!

"DAMNED TOURISTS!@#$%&" , screamed Mad Will Bonney , "wiff all the garbage days throws about..takin' up all the moorings...CAN"T GIT A DECENT SPOT NOMORES!@#$%& TOURISTS!"

'AHHHHgagagaga , Eyes jus' loves a pardy " , said a sqiunty fellow heavily laden with spinach.

[Griffin NoName]

Vermin Erradicated

The long difficult work undertaken by Portsmouth Council has finally brought peace and quiet to this precious city of ours. Statistics published today confirm there have been no citings of any Pirates for several weeks. Citizens have been out in the streets celebrating leaving a new problem for the council who have previously relied on the scurvy scavangers to rid the city of debris.

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

Maybe the Dark Avenger did it. 'spesially after what The Black Spot dids to 'im.

[Black Bart]

NO SUMMER TIL 1880 SHOCK

The Portsmouth met office today predicted there will be no hot weather til 1880.  The unusual climactic conditions were blamed on Carbon emissions from factories...er factory (Bart Industries Fish Head Stew factory).  The thick green smoke emanating from the chimney stacks of Bart Industries has formed a new layer in the upper atmosphere which scientists have dubbed 'The Bartosphere.'

Next week will be foggy with outbreaks of plague and scurvy.

[Pachyderm]

A large front will be moving to the north west (Brenda is off to visit her sister) and a depression will be settling over Portsmouth.

[Black Bart]

Borat Johnson to run for mayor

In a spectacular political twist, local looney Borat Johnson has put himself forward as a candidate for the Mayorship of Portsmouth.  An outspoken critic of Portsmouth's crime figures, Mr Johnson has survived a kidnapping and fourteen attempts on his life...all by local pirates! 

Borat spoke out against the present mayor 'Ken Liversausage': "He's nothing but a womaniser and a fool and I don't think he even went to a public school." 

Mr Borat Johnson has been 'British Upper Class Twit of the Year' for the last 3 years.

[Bruder Cuzzen]

CALICO JACK ! Lost At Sea ?


Townsfolk are a gossiping about the whereabouts of Calico Jack , notorious pirate . Our guest reporter , Mad Will is on the muddy streets searching for answers.

Tarr! mateys , I be fining Jack fer ye ..." Hey ! You lot ! Ware be Jack !.....

.....Well....day dont node ware he be....