The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus - all the news that's unfit to print

[Black Bart]

Black Bart stranded on Iceberg with 200 penguins Shock

After an untypical disaster at sea, reports have come in that Black Bart's ship hit an iceberg and sank, leaving him stranded on the ice with about 200 penguins. On hearing of the disaster Portsmouth's seafaring community rushed into action and rented out Bart's lodgings and moorings.

Special offer with this newspaper, limited edtion: 'Save Black Bart' T Shirt and souvenir bandana.

[The Black Spot]

CLIMATOLOGISTS BAFFLED BY STRANGE BREAKUP OF ICEBERG

Climate change scientists last night admitted that they were baffled by the sudden breaking up of a large iceberg.

"It really is odd," said Professor Tweedjacket. "This new dramatic form of global warming has only affected this one iceberg. Rather than the usual cleaving of ice, this iceberg looks as if it has come under heavy bombardment. It's almost as if several ships launched an all out attack on the 'berg."

Professor Tweedjacket said that it was fortunate that icebergs are uninhabited.

[DaveL]

TEACHER ABUSE RIFE!

Shocking allegations tonight were being levelled at Portsmouth Pirate Public School regarding the maltreatment of staff by unruly students.

An anonymous complainant only known as Mr T.C. recently underwent surgery for the removal of a mysterious object, following a recent 'Ask-me-anything-about-Pirates 101' class.

When questioned as to the nature fo Mr T.C.'s injuries, a Portsmouth Hospital spokesman simply stated:

'Those students sure learn fast with bottles! The injuries sustained by Mr T.C. would do the Dark Avenger proud.'

Mr T.C is expected to make a full recovery...apart from the fact he will not be able to sit down for several months.

Investigations are continuing.

[Black Bart]

Naval Flotilla sunk by strange Iceberg-like craft.

The Royal Naval base at Portsmouth have revealed that a flotilla of frigates has been sunk in the North atlantic.  The frigates were on a mission to find kidnapped Mayor of Portsmouth Ken Liversausage. The sole survivor of the attack 'Midshipman John O'Leary' said the ships came under attack from what appeared to be a large iceberg!

Mr O'Leary is being treated for shock at the sickbay in Portsmouth and is apparently given to strange utterances and outbursts such as: "The penguins are comin" and "It's Ice, but not as we know it!"

[Black Bart]

Portsmouth Aaarrrggghhhus Small Ads:

[Black Bart]

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[The Black Spot]

[Black Bart]

Cronan named as new Captain of Cutty Sark

In a suprise move by the Greenwich Board of Trade and Shipping, J Cronan was named as the new Captain of the Clipper Cutty Sark. His first voyage will be to...<phone rings>

...bugger, I never get the good stories first!

[Griffin NoName]

Portsmouth Harbour Speed Restriction

COUNCIL ANNOUNCEMENT

Henceforthwith,  no ship may exceed 0.000000005463524 knots in the Harbour.

R. Arbuthknott Esq.
T. Piggerswill
H. Potter

[Griffin NoName]

Portsmouth Pirate Public School Crisis Deepens

Following reports that Principal Cullinane is being impersonated by someone known only as BB, The Argus have uncovered a bundle of files which may or may not be related.

The Portcress Files reveal a series of large payments going into Cullinane's bank account from a secret account at the Admiralty. It appears that in return Cullinane has been supplying the Admiralty with highly trained and equiped Young Pirates for some kind of protection racket. However, the amounts are too large to account for total cost of the supply of YOPs and it is suspected that Cullinane may have had some other use for the rest of the money. Investigators have been discouraged from looking further into this but the Argus will stop at nothing to get at the truth.

[Black Bart]

Portrait of Principal Cullinane a Rip Off claims Ken Liversausage

In a damning outburst last night, Mayor Ken Liversausage claimed the new portrait of Portsmouth Pirate School Principal Cullinane is a big rip off.  The painting has reportedly cost the education authority 400,000 Cronans.  The mayor urged the School Board not to pay up and to throw the picture into the harbour.   

A spokesman for the School (a Mr Bartholemew Blacklist) retorted that the painting was a superb likeness and would get pride of place in the School Hall.  Mr BB told our reporter: "I am sure the picture will grow on people when it is hung up in the hall...especially as the real principal is hanging up somewhere...I mean it will instill pride and loyalty in our pupils."

The debate rages on.

[The Black Spot]

ART CRITIC SAVAGES PORTRAIT

Brian Sewer, The Arrrghhus' Art Critic, last night joined in the controversy surrounding the school portrait.

Looking down his nose, Mr Sewer was dismissive of the portrait. "It's an obvious fabrication," he sniffed. "I've been to a wine tasting with Principal Culliane, and I can assure you that his eyes aren't as piggy looking as in this portrait. Well, not after the first few bottles anyway."

[Black Bart]

Portsmouth Artist Defends His Masterpiece

Clearly stung by recent critisism in the press, Portsmouth artist Ivor Gotoneear spoke out in defence of the work last night.  He told our reporter:

"How was I to know the fellar was an imposter, he showed me his credentials...I had to tell him to put his clothes back on as I don't do nudes!  I usually do Sunflowers or Chairs so this Pirate bloke was a bit of a departure and he insisted on that cheesy pose.  When I said Oil or Gouache he gave me a funny look and said 'Fishe Stew, open the windows a bit!'

If anyone's hinterested I do Weddings, Bar mitzvahs and Animal Portraits aswell...Ivor Gotoneear lives at 4, The Rattery Mews, just behind the Maggot Farm. 

[Bruder Cuzzen]

::::::special to the Aaarrrrggghhhus:::::::

By:  Mad Willum Bonney , special correspondent


   T ' ARRR! Mateys!  DARR! 4,000th Annal Pirats Choiz 'Wards be a  rite posh o'fARR ,  all doh oi #@$!%&* CUDDINT GIT NO @&%#  MOORING!  !@#%$!

ahem

All yARR  favARRite pirats be dARR winnin all koines o' pillaging en such .

Lotsa ships of renoown be dARR ! ...... loike dat dARR wun....an' dat wun ......an' dat wun.

En all koines o' peeepole be dARR!

En lotsa dem be wARR!in' shinny new gARRmints en such.

DARR! wuz moosic en han'clappin' en  celebrashun' en such.

Lotsa FREE  piratety plunder en such.

DARR ! wuz dat famuff blade shARR!pinin' guy frum de oarint wurkin' fARR free . Butz I cudint GIT INTA DA @#%$&  BLUDDY!  @#$%&   LINE !!


I wuz gitten wurked up untills all da free grog 'gin a flowin'.

Fur cumplet storys frum all da correspondintz covrin' all da venyews , finda shinnyl insert en tommARRows speshul morn editshun.

Mad Willum Bonney at ye service, yarr!

[Bruder Cuzzen]

4,000Th                     ANNUAL                          PIRATES        CHOICE                    AWARDS


::::::::special correspondent : Olive OI::::::::

Olive Oyl:" OOOOOOOoooooo....Popeye ahahahaaa....whatsit llike to be most gentlemanly pirate OOOOOOOoooooo......     "

Popeye: "Ahhhh  gagagaga...nefferen me lifes doz eyes specs ta be named most gento minty pie rat . On topsa da meddle and treasure chest eyes gotsa new pipe and crate o'  spinach pies."

OO: How will this affect yore life?

P: Ahh gagagaga...Nuttin 'much be change Olives ,ceptin' eyes dont haffa sell al me wurly possesshuns.

OO: Every pirate is here Popeye! Its so exciting....look here comes Saucy Gert!

P: Whoaaa.........................................