Toadfish Monastery

Dear Principal Cullinane

I am writing to congratulate you on the fitness levels of your teachers, and the rigorous level of physical exercise at your establishment.

Young Jason came home this evening quite exhausted. He said he had pulled the wig off Mr Calico Jack's head, and that he had been chased for 26 miles until he was forced to give it back.

Yours,

A Happy Parent

Pfffft...

Donald Sutherland had this technique nailed in "Kelly's Heroes". Positive vibes, man.

Peter cushing played the Doctor in two films, but they're not considered canon.

That is, even though they are fictional stories of a fictional character, they are considered more fictional than the TV fictional stories of... oh, never mind.

I remember seeing the Cushing films at the cinema as a young child. I loved them.

Doctor Who - like everything else - follows Sturgeon's Law. Don't watch a run, just dip into some of the better ones instead.

Some of my fav's:

Inferno (Jon Pertwee)
City of Death (Tom Baker)
Resurrection of the Daleks (Peter Davidson)
Dalek (Christopher Eccleston)

I didn't really like much from the Colin Baker or Sylvester McCoy eras.

p.s.
"Five rounds rapid..." wasn't that "The Daemons"?

CLIMATOLOGISTS BAFFLED BY STRANGE BREAKUP OF ICEBERG

Climate change scientists last night admitted that they were baffled by the sudden breaking up of a large iceberg.

"It really is odd," said Professor Tweedjacket. "This new dramatic form of global warming has only affected this one iceberg. Rather than the usual cleaving of ice, this iceberg looks as if it has come under heavy bombardment. It's almost as if several ships launched an all out attack on the 'berg."

Professor Tweedjacket said that it was fortunate that icebergs are uninhabited.

The Great Engine

Five or six years ago, I were 'aving me dinner in a dockside cafe, when a strange gawky lookin' Scotsman came up to me.

"Captain," 'ee sez. "I am an engineer, and I have designed a quite remarkable propulsion system. I should like your permission to install said device within the confines of your vessel."

"Eh?" I sez.

"This arrangement will facilitate both an improvement to your business model, and a verification of the validity of the general principles upon which I have based my design."

Now this bloke might have had a scottish accent, but 'ee were obviously a foreigner as only about a third o' his words were in English. I sat 'im down, and by talkin' slowly an' loudly at 'im I eventually got an idea o' what 'ee were talkin' about. Seems 'ee 'ad a device to make a ship go faster. It were a big metal lump that made a huge fan thing spin round and round. The fan were in the water, an' when it were spinnin' fast enough, the boat went forward.

"How's it work?" I asked 'im.

"Well Captain, extremely volatile material is ignited within the combustion chamber..."  I wish I 'adn't asked 'im -- 'Ee droned on for several minutes using made-up words like "ignition" an "pressurisation" until I agreed to give it a go just to shut 'im up.

Next week, the engine were installed. We sailed into open water while the scotsman did some last minute tinkerin' to 'is contraption. I looked at it. "What do ye call this thing?" I asked.

"Well Captain, I call it Waterbased Advanced Rotary Propulsion - or W.A.R.P. for short."

I got back to the bridge when me lookout tells me there be a merchant ship on the horizon. It were a damned long way away.

"Warp drive ready at your command Cap'n!" shouted the scotsman.

"Engage!" I bellowed.

There were a strange hummin' noise an the ship leapt forward. The speed were such that the prow of the ship started to lift from the water. Me navigator were in contact wi' the engine room through a speaking tube. "Holdin at Warp 3 Cap'n" he said.

The merchant ship were gettin' close now, so we dropped out o' warp.

"Form a landin' party Number One," I said.

Well, the merchant ship never knew what hit it. One minute, we were a dot in the distance, the next minute me men were swingin' aboard their ship. A great success!

Over the next few weeks, we could strike any vessel at will. The men an' me were so pleased wi' the new engine, that we decided to name the ship after it. We had the idea of calling it the "New Clever Contraption" along wi' the year the engine were made. It were a bit long so we just used the initials, an' the ship were called the NCC-1701.

All went well until we were in the North Atlantic Sector. The scottish engineer informed me that we needed to land to perform some necessary maintenance on the engine. Just then, me Science Officer lowered his telescope. "Cap'n," 'ee said. "Spyglass readings indicate a number of enemy vessels on the port bow."

I peered over the rail. I saw seven Royal Navy Men-O-War sailin' in our direction.

"Engine room," I sed. "We need Warp speed now!"

The ship lurched forward like a mad thing. I looked o'er the side; the Navy ships had a good wind behind 'em.

"Engine room, we need more speed!"

"We're at Warp 4 captain."

"Increase to Warp 6," I sez.

The vibrations through the ship increased, an the main mast began to shake. We continued to accelerate.

"Cap'n," sez the engineer. "She cannae take much more o' this"

"Warp 7" I sez.

The ship shuddered as more power thundered through the hull. The Navy ships were starting to fall behind now.

"Cap'n she cannae take any more -- she's gonna blow!"

There was a huge explosion as the engine tore the ship in half. It were a peculiarly selective kind of explosion, as everyone survived it except the blokes who had red shirts on. The rest o' us clung on to the wreckage and were washed ashore the next day.

What became o' the scottish engineer, I don't know. The last I saw of 'im were when we were washed up on the beach. To tell the truth, I were still a bit dazed from the whole experience. 'Ee walked over to me an' looked at all the sawdust an seaweed that were on me best frockcoat, an 'ee offered to tidy me up a bit. "Aye," I said. "Clean me up, Scotty."

Quote from: Black Bart
YYYYAAARRRR, Thanks fer me eye patch...it be so lovely it brought a tear to me good eye...temporarily blindin me so's I fell off the poop deck and snapped me peg leg...

Don't be givin' me that old flannel. I saw ye last night remember. The reason ye fell over were all the pints o' ESB ye were necking.

The Beast With Five Toenails

Crumblin' Jack, an ancient crewman o' mine, once told me a ghastly tale. 'Ee pulled up a chair, sucked on 'is pipe an' said "Cap'n, I've seem some strange things in me long life at sea, but let me tell ye the strangest...

"There were once a young sailor called Karl. Now this 'ere Karl were nifty on 'is feet. No-one could dance like 'im -  'ee could do the hornpipe wi' the grace o'a gazelle. Everyone liked to see Karl dance - except Ted.

Ted 'ated Karl. Ye see, Ted were a good dancer, but compared to Karl 'ee were a flat footed lump. No matter 'ow much 'ee practiced, 'ee could never match Karl's fluid style. So Ted lay in 'is 'ammock, broodin' an sulkin'.

One day, Ted bribed the ship's surgeon to tell Karl that 'ee 'ad a terrible disease o' the foot, an' it 'ad to be cut off, or he'd die. The surgeon cut off Karl's foot, an' Ted were so 'appy that 'ee danced all that night.

It were a terrible blow fer Karl. 'Ee turned to drink, an' decided that 'ee couldn't live wi'out 'is dancing. So one night, he hopped over the side o' the ship an' drowned.

The next night, Ted were in 'is 'ammock, when 'ee hears a rustlin' noise. 'Ee opened 'is eye, an saw something moving at the end of 'is hammock. In the moonlight, 'ee could see something creeping up toward 'im. It were Karl's foot, pullin itself up the covers by it's big toe.

Ted watched with horror as the foot crept closer an closer to 'is throat..."

The old man stopped 'is story whist 'ee re-lit 'is pipe.

"So what 'appened," I asked. "Did the foot strangle 'im?"

"Nah," said Crumblin' Jack. "Ted picked it up, threw it out the porthole an went back to sleep. It were only a foot after all."

"Have ye got any other stories?" I asked.

"Aye, loads Cap'n," said Jack.

"Well keep 'em to yerself yer daft old sod."

 
Here be Ken Liversausage afore 'is kidnappin'

 
An' 'ere 'ee is now

Arrrr....

here be a certain portion o' the Dark Avenger afore his mis-hap

*

An' here be a recent photo:

O

The Tale of the Whalebone Parrot

Once, I were walkin' through a strange part o' Portsmouth, an' came across a peculiar little shop.

Inside, on a shelf I spies a statue o' a parrot carved from whalebone. 'Twere a lovely thing, the work of a true craftsman. I picked it up.

"'Ow much?" I sez to the shopkeeper.

"One dubloon," 'ee sez. "But the story behind it will cost you a hundred."

I slapped a dubloon on the counter. "I'll take it," I sez. "But ye can stick yer story."

As I were walkin' back to the docks, I noticed something strange. Three or four parrots were flapping along behind me. As I went further, more an' more parrots appeared. They flew from doorways, open windows an' taverns. A bit further along, an' it were like every parrot in the town were flyin' around me. It were like a great shriekin' flappin' cloud o' blue, green an' yellow. As I struggled along, the cloud o' parrots kept gettin' thicker an' thicker. It were gettin' hard to breath by now.

I managed t' get to the dockside, an' by this time it seemed like every parrot fer miles were flyin' round me head. I could 'ardly see, an' thought I were goin' to suffocate from the mass o' birds.

I pulled the whalebone parrot from me pocket an' hurled it as far as I could into the sea. All the birds flew after it, an' plunged into the sea where the whalebone parrot were, an' the lot o' them were drowned.

I brushed meself down an' marched back to the strange shop.

"I suppose you've come back for the story," said the shopkeeper.

"No," I sez. "I wondered if ye had a whalebone revenue man."

Quote from: beagle
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. As someone once wrote.

But then we'll have no-one in the government but John Prescot!

My youngest daughter broke a bone in her foot this weekend. Anyway, I took her down the fracture clinic and there were some kids' comics to read there while we were waiting.

I passed my daughter a copy of "The Dandy" and looked at the price on the front cover - £1.50.

Thirty bob!

When I was a kid it cost 3d. Threepence in old money! Thirty shillings would have bought you "The Dandy" every week for two and a half years.

And the new one was rubbish as well.

Of all the terrible episodes recorded in verse, few can match the appalling horror of this:

Incy Wincy spider climbed up the spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
Now Incy Wincy spider went up the spout again!

Let us examine this fearful tale line by line:

Incy Wincy spider climbed up the spout
On a pirate ship, the lookout (the one who shouted BEEP! - remember?) was always nicknamed "spider". This was because when the Captain asked who first sighted the target, the lookout would say "I spied 'er". The "spout" was the ship's main-mast. When a Captain asked "where's me cabin boy?" it was not uncommon for someone to reply "You've got 'im up the spout, Cap'n."

Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Pirates are renowned for their modesty and downplaying of events. A storm that was powerful enough to knock the lookout from the crow's nest must have been a mighty maelstrom that would certainly have smashed the ship to pieces.

Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
Helplessly drifting on the wreckage, the pirates were exposed to the full heat of the equatorial sun. With no food or water, the survivors began to consider dreadful methods of survival.

Now Incy Wincy spider went up the spout again!
The crew had turned cannibal, and the crazed flesh eating cutthroats shambled toward the lookout who frantically shinned along the wreckage of the main-mast. When he reached the end of the mast he had a terrible choice - to be eaten by the crew, or to jump into the school of sharks circling the wreckage.

This song always gives me nightmares.

One I liked:

OSIRIS, OSIRIS,
RA! RA! RA!