Toadfish Monastery

Quote from: DaveL on June 06, 2007, 12:49:39 PM
YArrr,

Where's yer furry native animals?

Gah! We shot all the buggers centuries ago. Plenty o' rats left though.

Dear Constable Timmins

I be replyin' to yer letter to Prinippell Wossisname. I discovered it by accident when I was rifling through 'is safe.

Ye be correct - the principple be actin' odd lately. Just yesterday, 'ee were talkin' in a welsh accent an' were wearin' a rather spiffy lookin' eyepatch.

Let me know if there's a reward fer 'im, and I'll bang 'im on the 'ead for yers.

Master Spot.

Principal Cullinane,

I's just got yer letter, an I ain't best pleased.

I objects to yer complainin' that yer kids got their feet stuck to me carpet. As I've bin sayin' fer years now, the refurbishment starts next week.

As a peace offerin', I's sent over a platter o' me special mush an gristle sandwiches.

Yours

Tom Dillon
Your genial host,
The Admiral Benbow

Yarrrrr Haaaarrrr.

QuoteAs I opened the thick vellum envelope and removed it's contents, my nostrils were at once assailed by an odour of death and decay, as if the stench came from the bowels of a tomb (curiously after I'd removed the remnants of what appeared to be a gristle sandwich from the envelope the smell evaporated).

Arrr, has bin a crap day. I needed a good laugh.

Also, if you google "chief electrical greaser" you'll get a googlewhack to the Cronan interview.

Mind you, "Chief Electrical Greaser" sounds like an old T.Rex album.

Here's an awful thing: if you search for

"William Cronan" pirates titanic

you get a googlewhack where Cronan (the real life one) is interviewed about his ancestors. If you read it, you'll understand why Cap'n Cronan is notorious for sinking any ship he sets foot on.

'Ere be a likeness o' the fiend:

http://toadfishmonastery.com/index.php?option=com_smf&Itemid=18&topic=198.msg4858#msg4858

Arrrr...

Does 'ee do studded gas masks? Not fer me ye understand, but a friend o' mine were wonderin' like.

Gah. Nuffink lives in yer own beard.  Tis a solid lump o' snot.

Dear Principal Cullinane

As ye know, I be the landlord o' the Admiral Benbow an' I runs a tradishnal istab esstab pub.

Can ye keep yer little monsters out o' me boozer. They gets in the way o' the punchups, an they can't 'old their drink as they be sick after a couple o' gallons each.

Can't ye keep the little bleeders at skool? Everything were fine till ye stopped 'em drinking there.

Marvellous.

Tom Dillon
Landlord, The Admiral Benbow

O Lucky Man!

One afternoon, me an the crew were playin' cards in the Admiral Benbow when a young, well-off lookin' feller turns up. I thinks to meself "there's a few quid to be made 'ere," so I asks im if he'd like to join us in a nice friendly game o' cards.

"No thank you, but thank you for asking" ee sez.

Well, 'im and 'is money weren't gettin' away that easy, so I puts on me most threatenin' voice an sez to 'im "Arrr, so ye thinks yer too good to be in the company o' the likes o' us, do ye?"

"No, no, no, not at all Captain," 'ee sez. "It's just that I don't think it'd be a good idea."

Well, I suppose it wasn't, but I weren't lettin' him get away wi' talkin' back to me like that. I were just reachin fer the hilt o' me cutlass when 'ee sez "I bet you have the two of diamonds, the four of spades, the Jack of hearts, the Jack of clubs and the Jack of spades in your hand."

I glanced down. "Ye blaggards!" I shouted. "Ye has me playing wi' a marked deck! I'll swing fer the lot o' yers!"

"No, Captain," said the stranger. "It was just a guess. You see, I'm fantastically lucky - all my life I've had the most amazing good fortune."

Now, I's heard some right ol' bollocks in me time, an I weren't 'aving none o' this. I pulled out me flintlock and aimed it right between the stranger's eyes. There was a bang an a wet "thud" noise as the shot hit a parrot that 'appened to fly between us.

"Cor, that were lucky," sed one o' me men.

Enraged, I hurled a dagger at 'is chest. The blade bounced off 'is coat button, ricoched off the ceiling, and stuck in the side o' the barman's head. As the barman collapsed, he knocked the till off the counter, an it burst on the floor. All the coins from the till rolled across the floor an' ended up in a neat pile at the stranger's feet.

"You jammy git!" said someone.

Aye, I thought. Perhaps 'ee were tellin' the truth. A man like this could be very useful.

"Come and sit 'ere," I sez. "What be yer name?"

"Jack," 'ee said. "Jack Pott."

"Well now Jack," I sez. "I has an offer fer ye. How would ye like to join me in a little business venture?"

"I have no need for money, Captain," ee said. I suppose someone like 'im didn't; if 'ee wanted something, it'd just fall in 'is lap. 'Owever I could tempt 'im with something else. 'Ee were a pale, insipid lookin' bugger, - 'ee needed a bit o' excitement in 'is life.

"I don't just offer ye money," I sez. "'Ow would ye like to join me in an adventure?"

'Is eyes lit up. "What kind?" 'ee asked eagerly.

"Well," I sez. "I intends to find the lost treasure o' Cap'n Cronan."

There was a gasp from me men. Several o' them crossed themselves, an one chap made a dash fer the toilets.

I pinned a chart up on the wall. "Many years o' research leads me to believe that Cronan's treasure be somewhere around 'ere..." I indicated a small group of islands off the coast o' Canada. "And Jack 'ere will 'elp us to narrow it down."

I grabbed a dart from the dartboard an handed it to Jack. "Fling this 'ere dart,Jack" I said. "Show us where the treasure be."

Well, I don't think Jack 'ad ever thrown a dart in 'is life. 'Ee made a strange overarm lob an the dart bounced off Lefty Martin's 'ead an hit the map. It stuck in the middle o' the Pacific, thousands o' miles from anywhere.

"Gah!" I sed. "Don't tell me that Cronan's treasure be at the bottom o' the ocean. We'll ne'er recover it."

"Wait Cap'n," said me first officer. "It's an island."

I went over to the map an peered close. The dart had stuck in a tiny speck o' land that were so small that ye could hardly see it. "That be our destination," I sed. We set sail the next mornin'.

***********************************************************

The next few weeks o' the voyage were uneventful - well, as uneventful as it gets with someone like Jack around. I remembers seeing two gulls collide head on, and them fallin' into the mouth of a yawning shark, chokin' it. Then there were that day the apple barrel kept fallin' in the water; no matter what we did, the barrel would end up goin' over the side. Turned out that Jack were allergic to apples.

Me navigator were concerned by all o' this. "Cap'n," 'ee sez to me. "Have ye heard o' the law o' probability?" Not really, I replied. I suppose I must have broken it though - I've broken every other bloody law there is.

"It's a mathematical rule," 'ee sez. "And I'm worried that..."

At that moment, the lookout cried "Land Ahoy!", an' we dropped anchor next to the small island. Meself, Jack an the Navigator took a rowboat ashore.

'Twere an odd place, that island. There were a volcanic mountain in the middle o' it that looked like a big, brown beerbottle. Around the base of the beerbottle, many large trees had fallen and they had rotted, making them look like cigarette butts. The whole island loked like a scruffy pub table - no wonder Cronan had taken such a likin' to it.

Right then," I sez to Jack. "Does we go North, South, East or West?"

Jack tossed a coin. "North," 'ee said.

We trudged North, an' came to a cave in the side o' the mountain. "Does we go in here?" I asked Jack. Jack tossed a coin again an' nodded.

Inside the cave it were dark an' dank. After about a dozen or so steps, the ground felt soft, like someone 'ad bin diggin' there. I told everyone to get their shovels out an we started diggin'.

Then something strange happened.

Jack pushed 'is shovel in the dirt. It happened to split a stone, which hit 'im in the eye. Then 'is shovel got caught in some roots, an as 'ee pulled it free, the handle snapped which made Jack stumble back and kick one o' our lanterns. The lantern smashed an set fire to Jack's foot.  Now, this made Jack hop around a bit, an' he hopped onto a passin' rat. The rat squealed an' bit Jack on 'is good foot.

Me navigator ran o'er to me.

"Cap'n," 'ee said. "We have to leave now - at once!"

Now, me navigator were afraid of nothing, but there were fear in 'is eyes. "Look!" 'ee said.

I looked over an saw Jack stumblin' around wi' a bucket stuck over 'is 'ead.

"Don't ye see?" said the navigator. "'Is luck's run out. Everyone only 'as so much luck in their lives - Jack's just had it all at once. It's all used up - 'ees got nothing left but bad luck left now!"

Me an' the navigator ran fer the boat. I glanced over me shoulder an saw the ground between Jack's feet splittin' as a volcanic rift began to open. We made it to the boat an' were paddlin' frantically when we hears an enormous explosion from behind us.

Once I were back onboard me ship, we hauled anchor an I picked up a spyglass an' surveyed the damage to the island.

Beerbottle mountain were reduced to a stump. Cronan wouldn't be at all pleased, I thought. 'Is treasure were now lost forever.

Then I saw somethin' movin' about in the smoke. It were Jack, an' 'ee seemed unharmed. Well, I thought, perhaps his luck didn't desert 'im after all.

Then I looked at the horizon an realised that it were only through the most dreadful bad luck that Jack had survived.

For there on the horizon, were Cap'n Cronan's ship headin' fer the island.

Seller: OpenBoat
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Gah.

If ye can remember Portsmouth, ye weren't there. 'Specially on a Saturday night.

The Mad Scientist

Once, in the North Atlantic,  We picked up a wild eyed lookin' man clingin' onto some wreckage. We pulled 'im aboard, dusted 'im down, and when we found out 'ee had nothin' in 'is pockets, I told me boys to heave 'im back over the side.

"Wait," 'ee sez. "I have something you must hear!"

"Does it involve treasure?" I asked. He shook 'is head. "Money, then?" Another shake o' the head.

"Throw 'im over the side, boys!" I sez.

"No, no, no!" ee sez. "What I have to tell concerns the most valuable thing in the world!"

Well, I admit I were a bit intrigued by this, so I arranges a chair an' a cupfull o' grog for 'im. 'Ee took a swig an' started 'is story.

"My name is unimportant," he said. "But you can call me the Baron. I spent many years studying the sciences before building a laboratory in my castle."

"A castle," I sez. "Valuable is it?"

"I suppose so. But that's not really the point of--"

"Full o' valuable things?" I asked.

"Not really," sez the Baron.

"Heave 'im over the side, lads!" I sez.

"Wait! Wait!" said the Baron. "Hear me out! I spent many years studying the great mystery of life. Trying to discover the nature of the spark that makes living things more than simply an aggregation of chemicals. Seeking the--"

'Ee saw the scowl on me face, so 'ee decided to get on with it.

"I decided to test my theories by creating a human being," he said. "I stole the bodies of the dead and from them assembled--"

"These bodies," I sez. "Rich people were they?"

"Eh? Some of them I suppose. I didn't really--"

"Arrr," I sez. "Some o' these rich people be buried wi' all sorts o' valuable things. What did ye find on them?"

"Er, nothing. I wasn't really interested in anything except the bodies. Anyway, to infuse my creation with energy I installed a great lightning conductor in the tallest turret of--"

"This conductor," I sez. "Made o' silver were it?"

"No."

"Arrrr, gold then?"

"No. Just iron," 'ee said. "And at the height of a great storm, a bolt of electricity charged my creation and it lived! It opened its eyes and got up from the table--"

"Be there anything valuable in this tale?" I asked.

"It was a fearful, brutal creature," said the Baron. "It had the strength of ten men and absolutely no conscience whatsoever. Such a terrible monstrosity had no place in the world of men. I eventually--"

"That's enough!" I sed, and had me men hurl the Baron over the side. Useless bastid. All talk talk talk, with nuffin of value to no-one.

We sailed on, an everyone returned to their posts - except Midshipman Ugg. He just stood at the rail for a while, twiddling his neckbolt.

"Bye Dad," he shouted o'er the side.