Toadfish Monastery

After a bit o' a disagreement about ship's discipline, me crew mutinied an' cast me adrift in an open boat.

Any chance ye could get me a couple o' oars?

Host: Welcome to the TalkPort Help Hour. We'll be taking your calls on any subject that you may need assistance with. Hello line 1, you're on the air.

Caller: What be the best way to calm down someone 'oo be all hysterical like?

Host: I suppose you could talk to them quietly and rationally. Convince them that things aren't as bad as they might seem at first.

Caller: I don't think that'll work.

Host: Perhaps you should take them away from the source of their fears.

Caller: A bit difficult, that. We's poured a bottle o' Captain's Delight down 'is neck, an' 'ees still 'ollering.

Host: I'm afraid that you might have to seek professional advice on that one.

Caller: Arrr... Let me put this another way; if someone has the top o' his head stuck in the barrel o' a loaded cannon, what be the best way to release it?

Host: I suppose you could try rubbing butter on it, and try to ease it out.

Caller: Butter? We's had no butter on the ship fer months! Anything else?

Host: Perhaps his head's's become swollen by being trapped. You could try putting some ice on it and see if that reduces the size of it?

Caller: Ice? What does ye think this is? A floatin' knockin' shop?

Host: You could try phoning the Fire Brigade.

Caller: We be at sea, yer idjit.

Host: What about the Coast Guard?

Caller: An' how long's that gunna take?

Host: I don't know... an hour or so?

Caller: I ain't listening to 'im shout fer all that time. Any other ideas?

Host: Perhaps you could warm the barrel up a bit. It might expand enough to let you pull his head out.

Caller: One o' me men's lightin' some wood under it now, the wind's blowing the sparks around a bit.(pause) Hmmm... What be the best way to extinguish a fuse?

Host: Pour water over it?

Caller: This be a proper marine fuse yer blitherin' dunce. Water won't do anything.

Host: Cut it?

Caller: It be a bit short. Difficult t' get a pair o' scissors round it.

Host: Well pull it out then?

Caller: There not be enough left t' get 'old of now. (pause) Hmmm... can ye recommend any heavy duty deck cleaners?

I suppose that it's only reasonable that I let everyone know my thoughts on all of this.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I was unaware of the troubles when Venganza tore itself apart. I'd been off for a few days, and had missed the infamous public letter. The whole thing passed me by - the first I knew about it was when I was invited over to the Monastery.

Well, most of my favourite people had left TOP so I started posting here and settled in.

Then one day, someone suggested that we should try posting back at the other place. It didn't sound like a good idea at first, because the FSM Pirate Board had degenerated into a few childish rants about "Pirates v Ninjas" and "look how big this gun is." Not promising.

Anyway, we started posting, and it was a blast. Incredible fun.

Now this is the important bit: I don't think Venganza is better than here, it's just different. I post something starting "Arrr" over here and I know exactly who will be reading it. Over there, it could be anybody. You may not think this to be much of a difference, but it is to me.

Humour's a strange thing. The piratey stuff seems (to me) to flow easier when your audience is unknown. I find it easier to "let rip" when I haven't got to worry about saying the wrong thing. On the pirate boards, The Black Spot is a ghastly, boastful despot; not a very humble person at all. Sometimes it felt like I was shouting in church.

I haven't left, it just that I'm not a prolific poster.

I said that the two sites were different. They are. The people here are good, decent, respectful (and respected) human beings; over there - well, a bit of a rabble if you ask me.

HA HA HA!
This ha to be one of the funniest things I've read in ages!

http://www.websurdity.com/2007/02/28/uncomfortable-questions-was-the-death-star-attack-an-inside-job

was the destruction of the Death Star an inside job? Brilliant!

Just heard that 2008 will see remakes of "When Worlds Collide" and "The Day The Earth Stood Still".

I can see that WWC could be souped up with CGI showing the destruction of Earth, but TDTESS? It's too slow a story for a modern "blockbuster". What's going to happen - Gort lays waste to half the city before the heroine gets the wounded Klaatu back through the exploding wreckage and into the flying saucer?

Ugh.

RAISED FROM THE DEAD!

There was horror this week as a message board rose from the dead.

After being pronounced dead a year ago, the dessicated husk returned to life.

"It was horrible," said a moderator. "One moment I was happily reading one post a day, then suddenly hundreds of messages full of viciousness, smut and crude innuendo appeared on my screen."

Dr Dawkins Henderstein was unavailable for comment.

Quote from: Black Bart
So I has ta pretend I aint a pirate by dressin in a smock an carryin a piggy wiggy and pretendin ta be a farmer.  Then when I gets inside and I sais:

"I am Black Bart and I is a Pirate", everybody just bursts out laughin!

Aye, I remembers that night. We were laughin' 'cos we thought that the pig were a ventriloquist.

Hackles? That bastid dog? Don't be remindin' me o' him!

One afternoon, someone threw a stick fer the stupid hound to fetch. The daft mutt ran over to me, got hold o' me pegleg an' ran off with it.

'Ee were lucky I couldn't run after 'im that day.

GGGNNNARRRR! Yer slop drinkin' lump o' squid blubber!

I used to think ye had a wig yerself. Then I realised it were all the hairy bugs on yer head.

ART CRITIC SAVAGES PORTRAIT

Brian Sewer, The Arrrghhus' Art Critic, last night joined in the controversy surrounding the school portrait.

Looking down his nose, Mr Sewer was dismissive of the portrait. "It's an obvious fabrication," he sniffed. "I've been to a wine tasting with Principal Culliane, and I can assure you that his eyes aren't as piggy looking as in this portrait. Well, not after the first few bottles anyway."

Genesis of the Cronan

I understand that some people in these parts be askin' questions about "The Fiend Who Walks".

The story of 'ow 'ee came to be is shrouded in the mists o' time, but we know that 'ee started out as a pious man, an' something unspeakable occurred that led to 'im to embrace the horrors o' the dark side.

Evidence still exists of Cronan's early days when 'ee still trod the path o' light. Look fer example at this ghastly school:

http://homepage.eircom.net/~cronews/

Once a quiet seat o' learning, this establishment 'as degenerated into a quagmire o' viciousness an' depravity. 'Tis probably the second worst school in the world.

There are other clues to 'is 'istory, but the conclusions that can be drawn from them be too terrible to contemplate.

Dear Constable Timmins

Things 'ave bin a bit difficult 'ere recently. It turns out that Angus 'asn't got a clue what BB looks like. Just this mornin' I found a mound o' thick red paste in the flowerbeds. Turned out it were the milkman.

Now I sees we 'ave a picture o' the bugger. I've passed it on to Angus, 'oo now 'as a proper target for 'is ball an chain.

Yours

Master Spot
Special Appointed Vigilante

Dear Constable Timmins

One o' me associates, Angus, got all excited when 'ee saw the legal murderin vigilante permit, an' fashioned 'imself a weapon by weldin' a 12 pound cannon ball to the end o' a long bit o' chain.

Yersterday mornin' 'ee came in shoutin' "I got him! I got him!" an' pointed to a figure lying in the school driveway.

Angus 'ad made quite a mess, an' it were hard to make out 'oo 'eed done in.

Please examine the contents o' the attached tea chest. Angus swears that it be BB, but whatever's in the chest seems to be  wearin' a postman's uniform. It also seems to 'ave two legs an' two 'ands. It's hard to be sure though.

I expect yer cheque soonest.

TBS

...cucumber sandwiches with the church council. No, in future I'll just have to have a straightforward...