Facts About Chuck Norris

[anthrobabe]

Pachyderm is the only being possibly nearly as awesome as Chuck Norris

[Pachyderm]

Hah, I win the cut n' paste game!

Hug for anthro....

Used to have similar list for Vin Diesel and Mr T. Will try to find them.

[Pachyderm]

Herewith the Diesel...


If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."    

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.    

Vin Diesel wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.    

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.    

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.    

The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to Vin Diesel."
   
When Vin Diesel put on the One Ring, the Nazgul just said, "Screw it."    

Whenever Vin Diesel plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some pussy who can't climb up a plastic slide.    

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.    

When Vin Diesel deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.    

Dairy Queen used to be Dairy King before Vin Diesel made it his bitch.    

Vin Diesel's orgasm leaves an exit wound.    

Vin Diesel has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

Vin Diesel doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
   
Vin Diesel sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.    

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.    

The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of Vin Diesel, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.    

Vin Diesel actually has hair, but it's beauty is too great for mortal men to behold. As such, he appears bald to all but the purest of heart.    

Vin Diesel's daily schedule goes as follows:

- Ride dirt bike through flaming hoop and appear badass
- Do something badass
- Wake Up
- Eat something badass
- Nap
- Watch The Price is Right
- Say cool one liner
- Throw cigarette in slow motion into Gas-covered bad guy
- Sleep in pit of snakes    

Vin Diesel impaled over 40 horses to make what he calls "an authentic" Merry-Go-Round

Vin Diesel always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.    

Vin Diesel coined the phrase "Pardon my French" after picking up a French man and using him like a bat to club people.
   
Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood".    

If you are within one mile of Vin Diesel and you drop your toast, it will always land butter side up. Always.    

Vin Diesel survived abortion.
   
Vin Diesel's blood type is WD-40    

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give Vin Diesel a fish and he'll stuff it up your ass and skull-fuck your daughter.    

Vin Diesel invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.    

Vin Diesel had a little lamb who's fleece was white as snow, and anywhere Vin Diesel went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.    

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.    

Vin Diesel can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.    109    
Vin Diesel takes the phrase "Breakfast of Champions" literally. He once ate Tiger Woods, Wayne Gretzky, and Russell Crowe in one meal.

Circles exist because Vin Diesel beat the crap out of some squares

All of Vin Diesel's genes are dominant.    

Santa Claus actually did exist until he forgot to give Vin Diesel the entire Hardy Boys collection series for Christmas.
   
Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.    

Only once has Vin Diesel ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.    

Vin Diesel once met Fabio on the street. Vin burst into laughter, Fabio burst into tears, and every passing car burst into flames.    

Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.    

Vin Diesel never laughs in the face of danger, he tells it to back the f$%k off.    

When he was nine, Vin Diesel dressed as himself to go trick-or-treating. He came home with a bag full of candy, a bag full of miniature liquor bottles, an Irish Setter, and two underage prostitutes carrying more of his candy.    

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach Vin Diesel to fish and he will rid the ocean of all perceivable life forms.    

On the sixth day, God said, "let there never be Vin Diesel." On the seventh day, God was in the hospital.    

Vin Diesel is the SI unit used to measure fear.    

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.    

Vin Diesel's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.    

Vin Diesel was originally cast as Aragorn in Lord of the Rings. He was fired for eating the Hobbits between takes and making Orlando Bloom his bitch.

When Vin was asked why he never goes to the bathroom, he replied, "What happens in Vin Diesel, stays in Vin Diesel."

As part of his morning routine, Vin Diesel stretches by defeating 20 armed ninjas that jump out of various household appliances.

If Vin Diesel was an ice cream flavor, he'd be Mint I'll-Smash-Your-Face-In-With-A-Shovel.

Getting murdered by Vin Diesel counts as a natural cause of death.    

Onions do not make Vin Diesel cry. Vin Diesel makes onions shit themselves.    

The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Vin Diesel was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.    

A few people can lift Thor's hammer, but Vin Diesel's the only one who can beat Thor's ass with it.    

The book "Wost Case Scenario," discusses ways to run from many different deadly animals. The page entitled "Running from Vin Diesel" simply says "Good luck."    

If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Vin Diesel.    

Vin Diesel was scheduled to be Stallone's stunt double in Rambo, but he was replaced after refusing to wearing a parachute when jumping from the plane.    

If Vin Diesel fell in the forest, and no one was watching, it would sound like Beethoven's Ninth. If he fell in the forest, and someone was watching, he would beat that guy to a bloody pulp. But the screams of agony would still sound like Beethoven's Ninth.    

Vin Diesel beat Ray Charles in a staring contest.
   
Vin Diesel can predict the shuffle on his iPod.    

Every time you masturbate you kill a kitten; every time Vin Diesel masturbates a camel is born.    


Vin Diesel invented the Spanish language because he liked the word "pantalones" and needed a language to use it in context.    

Vin Diesel can simply walk into Mordor.    

When you enter a certain cheat code into The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay, Vin Diesel shows up at your house and beats the game for you, but then he breaks your thumbs for cheating.    

Vin Diesel doesn't use sunblock; the sun wears Vinblock.    

Vin Diesel likes his emo kids sunny side up.    

Vin Diesel defied MC Hammer and touched it.    

Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.    

Vin Diesel once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however Vin still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.    

You are what you eat. If you're a Korean circus midget, you're also what Vin Diesel eats.    

[Pachyderm]

And one for Mr T.

Mr. T was originally cast to play Arnold Jackson on Diff'rent Strokes. Unfortunately every time he said, "whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Willis shit himself.    

Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their hall of stone,
Nine for the Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne,
Twenty rings to make Mr. T look cool,
Upon them inscribed, "I pity the fool."    

Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay the f£$k down. Birds and planes are exempt because they are shaped like Ts.    

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.    

Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

Mr. T destroyed the periodic table, saying Mr. T. only recognizes the element of surprise.    

Mr. T and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.    

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.    

Asteroids do not hit the Earth because Mr. T swings a redwood tree to bat them back into outer space. The one that killed the dinosaurs was high and to the outside, and Mr. T wisely checked his swing.    

Mr. T is so scary that his hair is actually afraid to grow. The only reason he has a mohawk is because it's in his blind spot.    

The Mathematical Proof for Mr. T's Infinite Pity: For life to exist there must be a symmetric equation regarding the factors of pity(p) and fools(f) -> p-f=0. If any one factor rose to a level higher than the other, life as we know it would cease to exist. The fool factor can be decisively measured by dividing jibba-jabba(j) by tolerance for said jibba-jabba(t) -> f=j/t. With these two equations we can deduce: p-f=0; f=j/t ->p-(j/t) = 0 -> p = j/t. This equation leads to quite an interesting result. As we can see, if we hold jibba-jabba constant, as tolerance for said jibba-jabba approaches 0, pity approaches infinity. Now we all well know that Mr. T "ain't got no time for the jibba-jabba." In fact, extensive observational studies have been conducted and even with machines able to calculate with precision to the 23rd decimal place, Mr. T's tolerance for jibba-jabba has been conclusively found to be 0, and therefore Mr. T's pity is the literal embodiment of the concept of infinity.    

Rocky III was a groundbreaking film. It took 135 special effects artists 13 months to make it seem like Rocky won the second fight to Mr. T.    

In August 2005 Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris went shark fishing 845 miles east of Bermuda and 1,139 miles west of the Azores Islands. After finishing off 10 kegs of Milwaukees Best and 2 barbecued tiger sharks Mr.T asked Vin Diesel to pull his finger. At the exact moment that Vin Diesel pulled Mr. T's finger Chuck Norris round house kicked Mr. T in the stomach "for fun". The resulting flatulence referred to by most as "Hurricane Katrina" has cost over $1.13 billion so far and almost destroyed New Orleans. To help alleviate his conscious Chuck will provide free "Roundhouse Kick" seminars to the hurricane victims. As for Mr. T he will simply pity the fools.    

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.    

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

If you laid out all of Mr. T's gold chains end to end, he would kick your sorry ass.    

Mr. T can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.    

Mr. T was the original host of "Pimp My Ride". He was fired halfway through the first season after installing machine gun turrets and gold chain steering wheels on every vehicle.    

Show Mr. T a ship of fools, and he will show you a torpedo full of pity.    

Mr. T invented the X-Ray, the G-String, the R-Rating and Jay-Z after a late-night drunken bender caused him to momentarily forget which letter he was.    

Mr. T does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction    

The only reason Mr. T is not Dr. T is because his thesis, entitled "Fools and Those Who Pity Them", only had a photo of Mr. T with his arms crossed. After the faculty questioned this, they were found dead with their testicles in their eye sockets, even the women. His thesis is still yet to be marked.    

Once, Mr. T joined forces with Chuck Norris to fight crime. All criminals in the known universe were instantly vaporized by the sheer awsomeness of their Mohawk/Mullet combination. Afterwards, Mr. T created Vin Diesel using a welder and a 55 gallon drum, but left him bald so that he could not challenge their hairdo supremecy.    

Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be pitied by Mr. T, than you are to have feet.    

Mr. T is one part gold, two parts muscle, one part anger, and no parts jibba jabba.    

World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Mr. T ate Kobayashi.    
Mr. T has beat the shit out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.    

Unbeknownst to the modern world, the Triforce actually exists. Unlike The Legend of Zelda, however, the pieces of the Triforce are named the Triforce of Vin Diesel, the Triforce of Mr. T, and the Triforce of Chuck Norris, all held by Vin Diesel, Mr. T, and Chuck Norris, respectively. If all the pieces of the Triforce come together, there will come a power the universe has never seen. The reason the Triforce hasn't been united today lies in three simple facts: Chuck Norris thinks mohawks are gay, Mr. T thinks beards are gay, and that Vin Diesel thinks hair in general is gay.    

Mr. T is not actually black, but his thousands of gold chains create a gravity well so strong not even light can escape.    

Complaining of back pain, Atlas once asked Mr. T to hold up the world for him. Mr. T agreed, on the condition that in exchange Atlas would wear Mr. T's golden necklaces. After five minutes of excruciating pain, Atlas asked for the world back.    

Mr. T once was a referee at a football game, blowing his whistle he created a new call, "Too much jibbah-jabbah on the field!" He punched the other officials in the nuts when they argued, then he set about pitying all the fools in the stadium.    

Mr. T once murdered a man with his balls that why it is known as T-bagging    

Mr. T and the rest of the "A-Team" were disqualified and kicked off the show "Junk Yard Wars" for violating the saftey rules and building a fully functional M1A1 Abram Main battle tank, when all they needed to build was a steam-powered catapult.    

The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mr. T's neck was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.    

Mr. T was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us fools, who have to fight for it.    

Mr. T once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Mr. T was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.    

Mr. T invented orphans.    

The Catholic Church is considering sainthood for Mr. T, taking in consideration for the pity he has shown to so many fools. When asked what he would do with this new found honor he vowed to challange Stallone and regain his championship.    

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.    

Mr. T currently resides in a small village in Turkmenistan, where "Mr. T" translates to "Santa Claus." In unrelated news, Children in Turkmenistan are scared shitless of Santa Claus.    

Jabba the Hut used to be a tall beautiful blonde woman named Susan, until she talked too much during a date with Mr. T. After piting her to the point where she melted into the slug beast form, Mr. T re-named her Jabba to remind her not to jibba-jabba so much.    

What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals Mr. T has found too chewy to eat.    

Mr. T once beat Donovan Bailey in the 100 meter dash. He didn't even know he was racing, just that someone near the finish line leaned against his Toyota Camry.

When Mr. T pours his alphabets cereal into a bowl, only T's come out.    

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.    

Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel are actually the names Mr T has given to his testicles. The ability of his balls to make movies has saved Mr T the bother of earning a living himself for the past 20 years.    

Mr. T was fired from his job as a weather man because his forecast was always 75% chance of pity, clearing late in the evening with a 95% of pain overnight. He was always right.    

When Mr. T was a little boy, his father told him he was going to get a spanking for bad behavior. Just before he spanked Mr. T, his Dad said, "Son, this is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you." Mr. T's Dad was right.    

Mr. T once won the Olympics. All of them.    3

Ever have one of those nights when you'd wake up panting and sweating? That was Mr.T, and you my friend, have just been pitied.    

While filming Rocky III, Mr. T punched Sylvester Stallone so hard Sly spoke clearly for a week.    

Mr. T's body is composed of 95% recycled material, making him earth friendly and of benefit to society. To balance himself out, Mr. T sets fire to one national park per year.

Mr. T invented the I.Q. testing system so he could more accurately pity fools.    

The turning point of World War II was not when the allies invaded Normandy, but when Mr. T was born and Hitler shot himself to avoid the consequences.    

When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in separate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.    

Mr. T once said, "There is no 'I' in team, but there is a 'T'! Fool!!" This was at a motivational speaking conference and it was the entirety of his lecture.    

Mr. T has four stomachs like a cow. Still, he can't stomach no fool.    

Mr. T encourages people to "love their mama." This is because if you aren't loving your mama, Mr. T will break your front door down and love your mama until he pities her.    

If Mr. T wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.    

Physical contact with Mr. T's gold chains produces the same effect as evolution.    

Satan sold his soul to Mr. T.    

Mr. T's autobiography, "So Many Fools, Not Enough Pity," was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for its heartwarming and inspiring tales of Mr. T overcoming his fear of flying, and his battle with gold-addiction--as well the sweet tutorial on how to install machine-gun turrets on top of a GMC van using a welding torch, a 55-gallon drum, chicken wire, and skim milk.
   
The Big Bang was actually Mr. T pitying space and time for all their jibba jabba.    

Scientists theorize that Mr. T cannot catch AIDS because his T-cells pity the virus into submission. The study of this phenomenon would lead to an AIDS vaccine; however doctors cannot obtain a blood sample because medical science has been unable to invent a hypodermic needle capable of piercing Mr. T's skin.    

Although Mr. T contains vitamins A1, B2, C, niacin and iron, it is YOU who are part of HIS complete breakfast, suckah.    

If you could calculate the amount of pity generated by Mr. T every second, you could make infinity feel ashamed of being ridiculously small.    

When God shuts a door and opens a window, Mr. T just kicks the door down, windows are for pussies.    4

Waldo hides out of fear of Mr. T    

The first car was initially named the "Ford Transpor-mobile." Mr. T pitied Henry Ford so bad that Ford came to his senses and appropriately changed the name to the "Model T."

Having had enough of Nazi Germany, Mr. T landed on Normandy with the Marines, crossed his arms with intense pity for Hitler, and instantly destroyed the Nazi war machine. Known as T-Day by the locals, history mistakenly refered to this event as "D-Day".    

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.    
Mr.T decided one day to brawl with himself, as he would be the only worthy opponent for himself... the battle continues to this day... pity is strewn about like wild fires.    

Remember when Mr. T wasn't so popular and awesome? Me neither.    

Google won't search for Mr. T because it knows you don't find Mr. T, he finds you.    

Each capsule of Viagra contains one drop of Mr. T's sweat.    
Mr. T eats turkey everyday except for the last Thursday of every November. This day is known as "Thanks For Giving Us Fools A Chance To Eat Turkey, Mr. T", but was later shortened to "Thanksgiving" for the sake of brevity.    

Mr T is credited with the invention of the asshole. He invented it when some fool dissed Mr. T and Mr. T punched his heart through his ass.    

A diamond is the hardest element found on Earth. A scientist will swear to that fact, until -- in the very near future -- he meets the wrong end of Mr. T's fist.    

Mr.T pities the fools who don't eat his cereal, as it is the only known source of Vitamin T.    

Mr. T does not read these facts. He ain't got time for this jibba-jabba.    

You can run, but you can't hide. Because Mr. T is already there.    
Mr. T has killed Mr. A through Mr. S; U through Z are slaves in his gold mine.    

When a can of whoopass is opened Mr. T jumps out.    

If Mr. T is behind you, you're dead. If Mr. T is in front of you, you're dead. If Mr. T is on top of you, you're anus should be pitied.    

Mr. T was originally supposed to play the T. Rex in Jurassic Park. However he was fired for "accidentally" eating the original children.