It was a dark and stormy night

[Swatopluk]

Since Snoopy "It was a dark and stormy night"* is the canonical bad novel opening.
There is even a yearly contest for the worst novel opening of that title
I propose that we do the same in this thread (although without prices to win).
So, the task is: Write the worst opening sentence(s) for a novel that your deranged mind could provide!

*actually the opening of an existing novel by Bullwer-Lytton

[anthrobabe]

"The sun was blistering on that icy winters day; but Fred decided to take a walk regardless."

[The Meromorph]

As the black and icy waters closed over his head, Darcy Littleburton reflected that he'd been a fool.

[Pachyderm]

And they lived happily ever after.

[Swatopluk]

This is the story of a man who could not or at least would not in public, which is part of the problem, make up his mind, despite it being essential for the things that were to come to him in the immediate future.

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

The flowers were pink. The house was pink. And the man living inside was pink.

(now tell me that isn't awful?)

[Swatopluk]

The flowers were pink. The house was pink. And the man living inside was pink.

(now tell me that isn't awful?)

We are not gay-bashing here

[Sibling Qwertyuiopasd]

if anyone gets this I'll love you forever.

"The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked
climes of the barren land which dominates large portions of the
Norgolian empire."

~Qwerty

[The Meromorph]

You're suposed to make one up, not quote from The Eye of Argon, Q! 

[Sibling Qwertyuiopasd]

okay okay.

ummm...

"one day harold walked out of his apartment in harlem, saw elvis walking down the road, tried to run after him, but then a piano fell on him. little did harold know, this was only the begining."

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

That was hilarious, but there is a problem, you see, your opening phrase actually works. After reading it you really wanna know what comes next (which is the goal of a good opening), therefore, IMHO, you get an special mention for doing the exact opposite of the stated goal of the thread.

[Opsa]

"There was this guy who was really, like 'duh' or something."

[Sibling Qwertyuiopasd]

"One day Dick Cheney bought a gun"

[Swatopluk]

The violent repercussions of the events to follow shook the foundations of the world as we know it (or at least believe to know it cause nobody can be sure these days what is "there" and what just our imagination is lacking in foresight) and also influenced the lifes of a few helpless children that were not that innocent anymore but still far away from the depravity they would encounter when the doorbell rang at 5 in the morning.

[Griffin NoName]

When the doorbell rang at 5 that morning, Depravity jumped out the window. She was a small child and killed instantly. So began a long day in which nothing unusual happened.

(plagiarised)