The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus - all the news that's unfit to print

[Opsa]

PIRATE CAPTAIN SUES PET SHOP

Bear Faced Cheek

Pyrit Cap'n Paddington today launched a lawsuit against Pyrit Pets of Rat Street Portsmouth, over a defective shoulder-parrot.
The Cap'n told Aaarrrrggghhus reporter Hezekiah Grotbucket, "I wish to make a complaint: this is a dead parrot. E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!"

A spokesman for Pyrit Pets later stated that the Norwegian Blue was just tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk, and was probably pining for the fjords.

This is an ex-parrot.

Also of note is what appears to be a crutch directly below the parrot, under the poirate's arm. Clearly, if this parrot were alive, it would be able to hold up that half of the poirate by use of flappin' it's wings, thereby subtracting the necessity for said crutch. If this parrot aint dead, it ought to be fired for sleeping on the job. It's an outrage, and Oi for one am not having it.

[pieces o nine]

Editor:

What is up with all this hating on the parrot? Clearly the parrot is exhibiting Olympic athlete class abdominal muscles, as it maintains the avian version of the Maltese Strength Move. I'd like to see some of these knee-jerk critics show even a fraction of the strength and agility skills this parrot exhibits!

Sincerely,
A Disgruntled Reader

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

This:

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2402/2327772855_34b03c4b1f.jpg

looks more like an olympic parrot.

[Opsa]

Dear Editurd,

Oi demands that the previous letter (to the pretty, live bird photo) be stricken from the records, as the writer may have been on steroids at the time. The parrot pictured has a large gut obviously from eating crackers (not that there's anything wrong with that), and seems to be wearing a muffler, a sign of ill health. We also note that she's taking a "P" and carrying it down Paddington's back, which is not in any Olympian rules Oive ever read, and Oive read a lot of stuff, believe you me. Oi have strength and agility out the ying-yang, but am too modest to put it on display in some two-bit toy store. Plus, I never take a "P" in public if there's a restroom handy. Let's face it, this parrot is laughing in the face of all that's decent in this world. If we let this sort of thing go on, sooner or later there's going to be rioting in the streets and chimpanzees marrying table-saws!!!!!!!

Just my opinion, is all.

Sincerely,
Trudgerick Fillingstation

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

I agree that the parrot with the cap and the silly goatee should be erased from the picture...

[Opsa]

Why, the poor parrot is positively pink-cheeked with shame at even being seen with him.

[Griffin NoName]

And the parrot's chest clashes with the bear's cravat.

[anthrobabe]

Might I have the towns attention please!
Thank you


The Admiral Benbow  is hereby closed until Wednesday week.
It will be burned to the ground at dawn due to the conditions found in the galley.

When Head Ale Wench and part owner Anthrobabe arrived home from crab fishing in the Bering Sea and saw the state of the galley she screamed and her words upon recovering  from her swoon were; "Pelicans in the sink!" Where upon she fainted again - sources say she spotted the bats roosting in the pizza oven. Upon being carried to her bunk aboard her ship she revived shortly and declared; "I'll just have to burn it. Nothing else to do but burn it flat and rebuild"

Souvenirs may be taken by one and all.

Next edition---
Where did the crabs in Anthrobabes bunk really come from anyway?

[Griffin NoName]

Dear h'editor

All this talk of crabs be spoilin' me dinner.

Yers sinkcerlee

Lord Treamill-Nathaniel-Wintersokson

[Bluenose]

BREAK IN AT ADMIRAL BENBOW

The Portsmouth constabulary responded last night when a disturbance was heard after hours at the Admiral Benbow.  Drunken renditions of "Please Don't Burn Our Outhouse Down", "What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor and "Three Little Maids From School Are We" were heard coming from the cellars.  Investigating officers found just one intoxicated offender desperately holding on to a half full barrel of rum.  It took six officers to prise his grip from the cask.  The offender was taken into custody and is helping police with their enquiries.  Police have been unable to  identify the offender but Detective Constable Blockhead, spokesman for the Portsmouth Police, said "The offender was found wearing a three-corned hat, a frock-coat and had some sort of blue dye on his nose.  Anyone with further information who may have seen the offender in the hours before 3am this morning, or who may be able to help identify him, please contact Portsmouth Police".

[anthrobabe]

Ye having seen nuffin till yeve seen Peg Leg Williams and Flappy Tarnish carrying off banhister railings.

The new foundashnn wuz poured this mornin an wallz be raised tomorrow.

[Bluenose2]

'ere, Pachy, dyer fink they be onter us?

[Pachyderm]

Sshhh! Don't give us away! Tis hard enuff being all sneaky and cloak 'n dagger loike when you is an helefant wif a peg-leg anyway!

Pick up that there last barrel, Oi've got the Fish-Ead Stoo, and daren't hold anything else. An' we'll jest have ter come back fer the Jelly-Resslin' pool....

[Bluenose2]

Hokay, but wot shuld Oi do wiv this curry?

[Pachyderm]

Depends. Do yer reckon it'll kill off the Toledo worms in the hull o' me ship?