Long Winded Stories of the Ocean

[pieces o nine]

Be yer noo pome a trick oar a treate, Cap'n Bart?

[Black Bart]

Aye well I blames Dave L for it an Bart Hindustries accept no responsibility for any self mutilashun appenin as a result o readin the poem...normally that warnin ud be in thee small print but I be feelin generous terday:

Periwinkle Pete

Periwinkle Pete
Was a salty sea dog
He had one good eye
And a leg made from a log

He sailed into port
On thee crest of a wave
To see his old matey
Dugong Dave

Now Dugong Dave
Was as blind as a bat
He once got so drunk
That he shagged the ship's cat

So lock up yer booty
And lock up yer gold
If Pete and Dave are at large
There'll be pillage untold

So lock up your wenches
And lock up your sheep
If Pete and Dave are at large
They'll not get any sleep

Now you may wish to ask
Why I've kept this tale short
Where be Barnacle Bill?
Or Molluscing Mort?

Where be Muscles McDougal?
Or Cockleshell Callum?
Where be Whelky Wilkins?
Or Scallopy Sam?

Well, the fact is...I couldn't afford to shell out for them.

[Griffin NoName]

That pome looks like it 'as bin stolen. Ye shuld send it bakk wear it came from.

[pieces o nine]

Oi don' finks as they wunts hit back.

[Black Bart]

Arrr ye can scoff...but I heard Shakyspeerio had this sort o treatment when he firs tried his hand at writin Shanties...Luckilee his dear Lady Anne Havitaway was veree supportive an now ye can't move in Stratford Upon Haven wivout bumpin into a statue of him. 

Can I ave a bronze statue please?  No need ta wait till I be dead...that way I can come an polish it on Sundays.

[Griffin NoName]

Bronze? Aaaarrr!  Ye be a throw back ter the bronze age awlrite.

[pieces o nine]

Bronze may be hex sessiv; moste moddern statchoos be mayde ov 'Manufactured Stone', 'MDF', or 'Resins'.

A qwicke checke ov the Portsmouth 'Ardware & Hart Supplyes shoppes hindicaytes we 'ave nun ov them, eever.

'Ow about a statchoo molded frum processed an compresst weevil hex o' skellitins?

[Pachyderm]

Nah, if'n ye want it ter last, mek a mold ter mek it outa Fish 'ead Stoo.

[Black Bart]

Ah well...never mind...I'll ave ta make do wiv bein imortalised as an animashun in Rainbow and a nazi soldier on thee front cover of the Jersey Underground Museum brochure.

[Griffin NoName]

Wonder why the Jersey Underground Museum brochure has never been used as the Guest Publication on Have I Got News For You* ?

*UK topical news quiz

[Black Bart]

Wonder why the Jersey Underground Museum brochure has never been used as the Guest Publication on Have I Got News For You* ?

*UK topical news quiz

Because it's too interesting and it has nazis on the front.  For that honour you need publications like 'Pencil sharpener monthly' or 'Lawn Mower Lover Weekly'.

[Griffin NoName]

Just watched "Into the Storm". That had nazis in it. But it worked out ok. Churchill got rid of them.

[Black Bart]

The Weevil before Xmas

Twas thee night before xmas and the ship's biscuits were decorated with sea weed cut into the shape of holly.

"he's fallen of the plank
he's walking in the air
he's floating in the moonlit sea"

The crews merry singing wafted in through me cabin window...arrgh I loves this toim o year when the crew build snowmen (if there aint any snow they use seagull poo) on thee deck and we celebrate the season with some merry plank walkin an extra fish head stew rations all round.

Suddenly there's a knock on me cabin door an thee First Mate appears:

'Sorry ta bother ye Capn but we've run out o Rum an Plank Walkin Victims, nothing left but weevily ship's biscuits...is there any chance of doin a shore raid ta get some more provisions?'

It was an excellent idea so we sneaked ashore, me, the captain, dressed as Santa Claus and the crew dressed as elves.

'Right men' says I, 'remember ye be in disguise so what's does we all say if anyone talks to us?'

'Yarrgh, Yarrgh, Yarrgh!' Shouts the cook...

'Blitherin idiot, says I, 'it be Ho, Ho, Ho!'

We all headed for a Bustling Inn in the centre of town. The cunning plan was for me to entertain the landlord and the punters whilst the elves crept down into the cellar and stole all the rum.

After a few nervous moments and several remarks of "we aint seen a Father Xmas with an eye patch before", I settled into a routine of Ho Hoing and regaling the punters with Xmas tales. Things were going well an out of the corner of my eye I could see elves slipping away laden wiv rum an mince pies. I'd just finished the tale of Tiny Tim and most of the punters were sobbing into their tankards when there was a loud knock on the door and the village constable appeared!

'I wants a word with thee landlord,' says the rosser, 'I've been told to be on the look out for Pirates in the area!'

'Pirates?' says the landlord, 'Don't be daft, come in and have an xmas drink constable.'

The constable refused the drink saying he was on duty and anyway he'd just been given a tot of rum and a mince pie by a huge elf with a peg leg.

Oh gawd thinks I, that'll be the cook, thee crew's been at thee rum already...if I don't round the blaggards up soon there'll be drunken elves all over the place! I tried making my excuses and making for the exit but the landlord grabbed me and said:

'Ye can't go Santa, not without handin out the presents to the village orphans and waifs.'

'Yarrgh...er, Ho Ho Ho,' says I, 'Tis only a tiny village, how many waifs has ye got, 4, 5, 6 maybe?'

'150 says the Landlord, we get at lot o rapin an pillagin on this coast!'

By thee toim I got back to thee ship the elf crew were lyin in a drunken heap with mince pie crumbs all over thee place. Sigh, weevily biscuits fer me xmas supper again! Still...lookin on thee bright side I'm invited back to the Inn for next years Xmas Party and one of thee Drunken elves was singin:

**** you I wont do what you tell me
**** you I wont do what you tell me

It may be thee xmas number one but in my book that be mutiny!

[Griffin NoName]

That be a foine tale. Elves seem to be more popular of late.

[Black Bart]

That be a foine tale. Elves seem to be more popular of late.

I should have written a tale involving the Keel hauling of Simon Cowell though...perhaps next year.