Simple Jokes Thread

[Griffin NoName]

We need a Groan!! icon

[Alpaca]

EXTREMELY POOR TASTE WARNING:

What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana's head?



...The engine block.

[Swatopluk]

Oldie! Booh! The joke was told decades ago about drivers of certain cars (e.g. Opel Manta)

Another oldie: How many people die when a Trabant (or other car from communist eastern Europe) drives full speed into a wall.
Answer: the people in the car + 500 that die in the battle over the spare parts.

Also poor taste:
Two nuns play football (soccer). One always curses "Missed. Shit!" when not hitting the goal. After some time the other nun warns her that cursing will incur the Lord's wrath. But after the next miss the first one again curses "Missed. Shit!".
Suddenly a stroke of lightning hits the ground barely a foot from her. A voice from above sound "Missed. Shit!".

(The German "Scheisse, daneben!" is more effective I think)

[Alpaca]

Another oldie: How many people die when a Trabant (or other car from communist eastern Europe) drives full speed into a wall.
Answer: the people in the car + 500 that die in the battle over the spare parts.

One of our old family friends still claims that her Trabant was the best car she's ever had.

[Swatopluk]

A farmer boasts that he needs three days to just ride/drive around his fields once.
Listener's comment: I too had such a car/horse once.

[anthrobabe]

this one drove my daughter crazy(not kidding- it did)

A blond is driving through a rural countryside and she finds herself lost.Finally  she happens upon a field with a barn; and sitting in front of the barn is a boat and in the boat is a brunette. The blond stops and gets out of her car and walks to the edge of the field being careful to stay on the pavement. She yells to the brunette, "Which way is out of here?"
The brunette hollers back, "Why are you standing over there yelling at me? Come over here and I'll tell you how to go."
And the blond says...
"I can't swim so I can't come over to you."

(alternate version is they get into an argument and the blond says,"If I could swim I'd come over there and kick your ass.")

-- for those of you like my daughter
see the brunette is in a boat
therefore one must swim to get to the boat.(no matter where the boat is-you gotta swim)


I'm a blond and so I'm allowed to pass along blond jokes.

[Swatopluk]

In a similar vein.

Someone walks through the desert and finds someone lying on the ground and making swimming  movements.
Some time later he finds someone sitting and behaving as if he was holding a fishing rod.
Again some time later he finds someone just sitting in the sand.
He tells him about the others and how glad he is that he now has found somebody normal.
Answers the guy sitting on the ground: I think I will row over there and have a look

Alternative answer: What? They are that far already [begins to row]

[Griffin NoName]

UK humour.....

When Pavarotti died and went to heaven he got to the pearly gates and St Peter shouted over his shoulder ' Hi God here's that tenor I owe you'

[Swatopluk]

School class visiting Egyptian Museum
Guide shows them a  mummy claiming it to be that of a famous Pharao
One pupil: looks pretty small
Guide: that was his mummy as a child

[Griffin NoName]

Waiter, waiter, there's a needle in my soup.

Sorry Sir, it's a typographical error, it should be a noodle.

courtesy of Bob Dillon on the radio this afternoon

[Swatopluk]

A GDR citizen visits the US with his trusted Trabant "car".
When he has engine trouble he brings it to a workshop.
When informed that his car is ready again he comes, pays and wants to drive away.
But every 40 metres or so the cars goes into reverse.
When he asks the workshop mechanic about it he gets the answer:
"Your 'car' is so small, we had to put in a washing machine engine"
---
The Trabant is now equipped with seat belts. It can therefore also double as a rucksack.


http://www.kfz.de/hersteller/trabant/trabant/trabant-dyr.jpg

[Griffin NoName]

Waiter, waiter, there's a needle in my soup.

Sorry Sir, it's a typographical error, it should be a noodle.

courtesy of Bob Dillon on the radio this afternoon

Typo. I meant Dylan.

[The Meromorph]

Halloween Advice.

If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.

Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.

When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you.

If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the heck out of there!

If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.

Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.

Don't look under the bed.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get out of the area.

If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"

If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.

If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.

Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."

It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.)

When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone.

The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.

Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.

If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.

If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.

As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to ---- or Nebraska.

Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.

If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.

If you're searching for something that caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.

If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.

If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.

Do not accept/take anything from the dead.

If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.

If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.

If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.

If you find a town that looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.

If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately, if not sooner.

Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing.

Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.

If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out.

Never put your back to or lean on a door.

Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.

Never speak to clowns in sewers.

Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings.

If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/ creature is now in front of you.

If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.

Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here:
Amityville,
Elm Street,
Crystal Lake,
Transylvania,
Nilbog (---- help you if you recognize this one),
Mydian,
QuestaVerde,
the Bermuda Triangle,
or any small town in Maine.

Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.

Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those that keep 'Redrum' in stock.

Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flame-throwers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers, wielding axes, laser pistols, Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark, African game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."

If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.

If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.

If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.

Have a happy and safe Halloween!

[Swatopluk]

Also think 2 steps ahead. Your flight may let you walk right into the danger zone.
Don't rely on motor transportation, if you have to start the engine first and any delay may be your death.
Check your weapons before you trust your life to them and you can spare a few seconds.
If you buy silver bullets, check that the seller is not the werewolf itself and also check that the silver is genuine.
Do not have sex in potential danger zones but don't rely on that being enough for your security.
Check all companions before trusting them. Anyone allergic to precious metals, allium varieties etc. should be dispatched of immediately. Same for any insectophage.
Don't accept invitations by people by the name of U.N.Owen, A.N.Other etc.
Read any name carefully and backwards too. Be suspicious, if that yields something ominous (e.g. don't trust Dr.Akula, Mr.Alucard, Mark E. Dessat etc.)
Practice chanting "Phnglui mglw'nafl Cthulhu R'lyeh w'gahnagl fhtagn!", so (in case of emergency) you can blend in while you plot your escape (also have the fish smell flakon ready).

[Griffin NoName]

Forget all the above; just keep the clove of garlic handy.