Cap'n Cronin's Ship Trip - Portsmouth's Own Reality TV Show

[Calico Jack]

Dear Bigger Reg

yarrgh help me I seem ter av been put in a cabin with Black Bart.  I can cope with all is bad habits not washing fer a month, swearing all the toime, farting after evry swig of Rum an even the odd murder when some swab upsets im, after all we are all Pirates an we know the score.

However no one will let im in the kitchen to cook his foul Fish Head Stew so e as started to make it in our cabin.  The smell in the cabin is dreadful an I even tried to open the window to throw meself off the ship but they weres locked.

Please get rid of the blaggard fer me as I will be hanging meself by the end of the day if e makes is stew again.

Thank yer

CJ

[Black Bart]

Just make sure yer Wig don't fall in the cookin pot ye daft blaggard!

[Calico Jack]

From Bigger Reg to all ye Scurvy Shipmates

We will be docking in London on Sunday ter let off Calico Jack as e be taking part in the London Marathon.  Unfortunatly the bald blaggard will be back on Sunday evening an we can expect im to start whinging as usual when e comes back.

Therefore I need yer help to arrange a little accident so e doesn't mek it back to the ship. Dave L, The Black Spot and Black Bart Meet me in the hold at 06:00 hours on Sunday ter discuss me plan.

Bigger Reg

[Griffin NoName]

From Big Bovver ter Bigger Reg

Ye scruvy producers are all the same. Ye stupid pair o peg legs. CJ WILL be back on boawd - e be jest the rite material fer makin ther programb excitin. We needs every trublemakker ter get ther competitoors ter creaite ther roight atmosfere.

If ye wont ter ang on ter yer job, ye get im back by midnite.

Or else.

[Griffin NoName]

*** Message from Big Bovver ***

Boy team will partner the Girl team in the first task as follows:

Task Leader is The Black Spot

DaveL - Missy Melissa

Big Ron - Lola Spanks

Ken Liversausage - Little Miss Fifi

Black Bart - Big Brenda

Barbados Ben - Sister Mercy

Calico Jack - The Dark Avenger

Task: Collect rare vegetables from obscure islands. Develop an interesting recipe using your initiative. Force feed your partner the cooked product.

Goal: Winning pairs will be those who manage to eat the most without vomiting or other mishaps. Points will also be given for originality. Pair who come in last will force feed each other from all the other pairs food samples. First to vomit or fall over dead will be thrown off the ship.

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You have 45,890,404 minutes to complete your task.

***************************************************************

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRRR...First port o call l'be Swansea to pick up some Leeks and a bucket o Lava Bread.  Taint technicaly an island but I be hopin it qualifies as it be called The Gower Peninsula an it be part o the hobscure British Isles.

Sufferin barnacles Brenda's eaten the Leeks already!

[DaveL]

YArrr, offs we go Missy Melissa.

Oi know a excellent rubbish dump where we can get some delicious gourmet maggots.

Was that weevils you say Missy? Ooh yes, Oi think we can manage a lovely weevil-maggot combo wif rice.

[Griffin NoName]

Hey Barbados Ben, Oi know wears we can find sum rare sago maggots in Borneo. Don't tell DaveL or that prissy Melissa.

[DaveL]

Back at camp, strategies for this weeks Piral Council elimination were being devised. Everyone was now sporting 3-day growths, including the women to give that rustic 'I'm stuck on an island' look.

In full view of their despised subjects, alliances for this weeks vote were being formed.

'You know that varmint Barbados Ben' said Mayor Keith.
'He's gotta go, he's a Big threat for more reasons than one' said Black Spot.

Over in the bushes, more whispering and more alliances were being formed.

'Bart if we stick together, we can get to the final four, said The Dark Avenger. Little did Dark Avenger realise, but Bart had already formed an alliance with DaveL, Spot and Calico Jack. 'Yeah sure Dark avenger, O'ill look after ye' said Bart (with fingers crossed)...

[Griffin NoName]

.... meanwhile Lola Spanks and Sister Mercy were spotted behind a tree waving smoking bunches of herbs.....

[DaveL]

'YArrr, my fully emblazoned Bandana is bigger than your fully emblazoned Bandana...only 5 dubloon at yer nearest Cronin shop' shamelessly plugged Big Ron...

[Black Bart]

GGGGAAARRRRR...Ye filthy blaggards...which one o ye's been widdlin in the shower?

[Calico Jack]

yarr I av been paired with The Dark Avenger, though I can't find the blaggard, in fact I don't even know what she looks like.

Also no varmint will be force feeding me anything or they will discover that me cutlass be very sharp.

CJ

[Griffin NoName]

Big Bovver be witholdin food ratiuns til ye all get yer act tergether an stop foolin arownd.

[Black Bart]

Big Brenda's eaten all my rations...ULP, an she be lookin at me kind o strange, and lickin her lips!!!!