The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus - all the news that's unfit to print

[Opsa]

Oi can beat any one of yar at looking loik Moll Flanders, give the roight koinda spackling, and ...er... scaffolding....

G'arrrggghhh... oi was afeared yud show up in the obiturary section there, Bart. Whatchya been up to? We need sumpin ter gossip about.

[Black Bart]

This be the letters page, do it?

O' coarse oi remembers ye Bart, ye blaggart...  Portsmouth is bin moighty pieceful without ye, an' grog sales 'ave bin down.  The taverns aaargh beggin fer a bailout.  Well, the floor o' the pisser in the Benbow 'as needed a bailout for a while, but it's near o'er the top o' me boots in there now.

Ha harr...I opes to improve thee grog sales an I knows a good plumber wot'll unblock yer pisser.  Here be a photo o me tryin ta steady thee shyppe larst Saturday Night:

[Opsa]

Y'AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!

Twas a foin thing you did there. Looks loik she was listing to one soid!

[Griffin NoName]

Arrrgh! Oi see ye 'ave the third eye !!

[Opsa]

Yar, but he has it covered up so it can't see how much he's been drinkin'.

[Black Bart]

Aye mateys twere a foine night an no mistake...an it turns out that was thee boat Culture Club used on thee Karma Chameleon Video...make o that wot ye will...one things fer sure it weren't 'Mississippi 1897' like wot it claims on thee video!

[Opsa]

GARRRR! Now oi gots that song stuck in me coconut...

"...every day is like survival
Yer me lover, not me rival..."

and oi gots a picher o'Boy George prancin' about in a pair o' pajamas.

Ya got any more o' that ale?

[Sibling DavidH]

And why would ye be wantin some if it makes Bart look loike that?

And BTW what part o' him be that there pistol pointin at, zactly?

[Opsa]

Lookin' loik that moight be an improvemenk for me, yer know.

[Black Bart]

I can see now that it were hunadvisible ta stick me pistol down me trousers loik that!

Helementary Pirate School mistake...but I got away wiv it this toim...I onlee shot me big toe orf.

[Opsa]

NEWS FLASH:

DaveL was seen in here somewheres recently, but somehow escaped, unarmed. Next toim we oughter lash him to the main mast.

[anthrobabe]

Now Black Bart ye know ye only be 'avin 1 wooden leg-- that be a one of ye isshues, jus not henuff wood.

editors note:
we can not make this crap up heven if we tried.

[Sibling DavidH]

PIRATE CAPTAIN SUES PET SHOP

Bear Faced Cheek

Pyrit Cap'n Paddington today launched a lawsuit against Pyrit Pets of Rat Street Portsmouth, over a defective shoulder-parrot.
The Cap'n told Aaarrrrggghhus reporter Hezekiah Grotbucket, "I wish to make a complaint: this is a dead parrot. E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!"

A spokesman for Pyrit Pets later stated that the Norwegian Blue was just tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk, and was probably pining for the fjords.

[Swatopluk]

In related news captain Paddington complained that since he grew this nose-beard people tend to get stiff in his presence and shout some stuff about a girl hit by ice falling from the sky.
"Some of these guys also nearly hit me in the face when they suddenly got a cramp in their right arm."

[Griffin NoName]

'Ees not dead, 'ees jest 'avin' a lye down.