The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus - all the news that's unfit to print

[Bluenose]

OFSTED SCARED OFF!
Going deep undercover reporter Ima Sneekiwun reports, in an exclusive for the Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus, on the goings on between Portsmouth's soon to be opened elite school the Portsmouth Pirate Public School (PPPS) and the Piracy Council for Higher Heducation Inspectorate's crack inspection squad OFSTED (Old Fearsome Seagoing Terrors Educate Dekids)

Sources say that OFSTED had threatened to close down PPPS because of alleged irregularities in the proposed operation of the school and also because of alleged underage drinking on the premises.  A spokesperson for the school a Cap'n Bluenose said "Yarr, it all be lies.  We don't be makin any o that alkayhollick stuffe in the school, we jess be teachin the little bastids tackers ow ter make a fine health tonic accordin to an ole family recipes wot Oi appen to have on 'and."

Principal Cullinane denied all suggestions that the school's Masters were preparing to repell the OFSTED inspectors were false "We've actually prepared quite a warm welcome for them" he said.  Our undercover reported told us that this seemed to be the case as the Distillery Master had in fact prepared quite a number of bottle of tonic as a present for the inspecting team.

Furthermore we can report that the girls of the neighbouring well respected school St Winifred's had been planing to "join the party" as one of the senior girls put it.

It appears that when the OFSTED officers approached the school, they mistakenly thought that the pirates were getting ready for a pitched battle whereas we can report that it was simply preparations being made to welcome the team.  This newspaper is of the opinion that OFSTED are a bunch of lily-livered, power hungry oafs and that they deserve to be exposed as such.

OFSTED were approached for a comment but our enquiry was met with a "shove off ye blaggard" by the person who answered the phone.



BUSTLIN BRIAN GONE AWOL

Colourful Portsmouth identity Bustlin Brian is being sought by the Portsmouth Piratical Constabulary to answer a number of charges of fraud, misrepresentation and criminal identity theft.  Constable Abe Igplodd said "We are searchin for this person, what it is alleged has made off with a large amount of treasure he allegedly acquired by various deeds of fraudulently misrepresenting goods he was selling on Arrgh-Bay and though mail order business he was operating through a phony address what turned out to be a disused sewerage works.  Anyone what can help with our enquiries should contact me at Constabulary Headquarters.

[The Black Spot]

Ancient Wreck Found

Archaeologists were excited last week when they found an ancient vessel on the seabed just outside Portsmouth Harbour.

According to the leader of the expedition, "This is a significant find. Judging by the poor quality of the workmanship and the hoplessly primitive methods used in its construction, this ship must be several thousand years old at least. I suspect that this ship was designed and piloted by some form of sub-human ape creature."

A second team has been sent in to verify the findings.

----------------------------------

STOP PRESS

The ancient ship has
been found to be two
weeks old.

The authorities are
unsure of its origin,
but would like to
speak to the owner of
several cauldrons of
fish head stew and a
Harry Seacombe L.P.

[Black Bart]

ALL POOP AND NO DECK

Local man Calico Jack was looking forward to a breath of fresh air when he got Portsmouth Plumber Bustlin Brian to install a flushing toilet onboard his ship.  However far from being flushed with success it looks like his plans have gone down the pan. A grim faced Mr Jack said 'it all started when the tide came in, the whole system backfired and before we knew it the ship was covered in shite!' 'What made it worse was the crew had just come back from a uproarious night of grog and Fishe Heade Stewe!' 'There was nothing for it but to send the ship to the bottom...no time to salvage anything, not even my favourite Harry Secombe LP!!!

[The Black Spot]

NEW BEER LAUNCHED

Mr Keith Bicklestoff of Allied and Conglomerate Moneymakers last night announced the launch of a new beer to be served in the Portsmouth area.

At a grand launch night in the Admiral Benbow, Mr Bicklestoff announced to the crowd that the new brew was "In line with current concerns for health," and that Allied Moneymakers "intended to promote responsible drinking by producing this new full flavour, alcohol free brew."

Mr Bicklestoff said to the raucous mob that "The days of drunkeness are in the past. Portsmouth will lead the march to a new, clearheaded future. The drunken oaf will soon be consigned to history!"

Mr Bicklestoff's family have requested no flowers for the funeral.

[DaveL]

SAUCY VEGETABLE RACKET EXPOSED

Constable Timmins from Portmouth Constabulary was given a recent tip-off about an illegal smugglin' racket dealing in saucy vegetables.

Four men were subsequently arrested in the garden of Mr Pervical Smiggins, a well known prize winner of large carrots at the Portsmouth Agricultural Fair.

When asked what they were doing with Mr Smiggin's prized carrot, they were quoted as 'simply admiring it'. All men were found carrying a copy of this months Playbilge magazine.

The four men were later released after Constable Timmins confiscated a copy of Playbilge for his own keeping.

Constable Timmins was later seen in Mr Bert Twaddle's Zucchini patch...

[The Black Spot]

MAYOR DEFENDS RECORD ON CRIME

The mayor of Portsmouth, "Red" Keith Liversausage made a rare public appearance last night. Speaking from the steps of his heavily defended fortress, he denied reports that the Portsmouth crime rate was spiralling out of control. "It's just as safe in Portsmouth now as it was twenty years ago," said the mayor. Commentators have pointed out that this is because it's been twenty years since "Mad" Jake Knuckleshredder and his crew were blown to bits by a cheap, shoddily fitted  pressure pipe.

---------------------------------

STOP PRESS
Mayor Keith Liversausage
was kidnapped on the steps
of his fortress after
giving a speech last night.

After receiving the ransom
note, the police say they
are looking for a
semi literate, uneducated,
violent man. Half the town
are helping them with their
enquiries.

[Black Bart]

NEW 'POLICE CAMERA ACTION' SERIES TO BE FILMED IN PORTSMOUTH.

The profile of Portsmouth City Centre is to be raised by the filming of a new series of the popular TV show: Police Camera Action on the city's bustlin streets.  Portsmouth was chosen over The Bronx, Bogata, Mogadishu and Bazra. Shortly before he was kidnapped the Mayor of Portsmouth "Red" Keith Liversausage made a statement welcoming the news: 'This can only be good for the people of Portsmouth, we could do with some positive publicity for a change and I'd like to say from the record that aaaaarrrrrrrrgh help!'

The deputy mayor issued a statement last night condemning the violent abduction of Mr Liversausage and urged the kidnappers to return the mayor urgently, otherwise the next incombant a Mr Black Bart was ready to take over the mayorship!

[Bluenose]

PROTESTERS CALL FOR RETURN OF "RED" KEITH

Central Portsmouth was brought to a standstill today as thousands of protesters filled the streets bearing placards carrying slogans like "Bring Back 'Red' Keith", "Save Us From Black Bart" and "No Fish Head Stew For Portsmouth".  Protest organisers told Aaarrrrggghhhus cadet reporter Scoop Bluebottle that rumours of Black Bart's impending inauguration as Mayor had produced a groundswell of public opinion and terror.  "We'll keep that blaggard out of the Mayoral office or die trying!" one of the protesters was heard to say.

[DaveL]

24 DIE FROM A LIT MATCH AT BIG RON CONCERT

Scenes of panic today at the Scurvy Rex Entertainment Centre as the pyrotechnics at Big Ron's 'Unplugged and Unventilated' concert got out of hand.

Ole Scuppers McGee, a Big Ron fan had the urge to light up his pipe during a Big Ron windy solo, causing a methane explosion that left dozens dead.

Big Ron brushed aside the incident, stating it was merely part of the act.

Portsmouth Council (minus Red Keith) are reviewing their position on future Big Ron Concerts. Suggested measures include banning Big Ron from using his "most prized" wind instrument.

Mayor Keith Liversausage will have the casting vote on Big Ron's fate, when he is finally returned from kidnap.

[The Black Spot]

FEARS GROW FOR RED KEITH

A sinister package was delivered to Portsmouth town hall last night. It contained a human ear and a hastily scrawled note from Red Keith Liversausage. It read:

"Help. Pay them whatever they want. Eh? What's that you said?"

The ear was identified as being Mr Liversausage's as it still had a pencil stub from Honest John's betting shop behind it.

[Black Bart]

MI5 REPORT FEARS FOR SANTA CLAUS'S LIFE

An MI5 undercover agent working in Lapland has raised fears of an attempt on the life of Father Xmas.  Aerial photographs taken over Santa's Secret Lapland hideout have shown anomalies in the footprints left by Santa's reindeer team.  The cloven hoof prints are clearly interspersed with large boot prints and what appear to be peg leg prints!  MI5 have published photographs of the suspected assassin but believe he may be working in a cunning disguise. MI5 have also been tracking a large consignment of the highly explosive material CFHS (Condensed Fish Head Stew) which may have got into the hands of extremists.

[Bluenose]

QANTAS JET DAMAGED ON XMAS EVE!



Reports to hand indicate that the distinctively painted Qantas 747 Wunala Dreaming was damaged on approach to Mascot Airport on Christmas Eve.  The jet appears to have been shot at by terrorists who had mounted a large artillery piece on South Head.  There were no injuries sustained by the passengers or crew, but the aircraft will need extensive repairs before being returned to service.  "This is a senseless unprovoked attack on Innocent Christmas holiday makers" stated the Mayor of Sydney in an exclusive interview for the Aaarrrrggghhhus.

In a related report Sydney air traffic controllers have said that the incident occurred at around the same time they were tracking Santa Clause inbound to Australia after completing the New Zealand leg of his annual delivery run.  "Luckily, it seems that the perpetrators were incompetent idiots.   They seemed to have been firing upon the sleigh at first and then trained on the much larger target of the Qantas jet as it passed overhead.  Fortunately their aim appears to have been pretty poor" stated an air traffic controller who did not wish to be named.

New South Wales police are looking for what they describe as "scurrilous ruffians" and "desperadoes" and have issued an identikit photograph of a person they wish to interview.  If any responsible member of the public has seen this person, please call Crime Stoppers on 1800-CRIME.

[The Meromorph]

'Ere!! Wotchu Playin at!
Postin' pictures of me mam on the internet like that. It ain't decent!
If me mam sees that, wot's left of yer will be joinin' the Foreign Legion...

She's got a wicked left hook, 'as me mam...
And it sharpened on both sides!

[DaveL]

YArrr!

The flamin' idiots! They must have been drunk or sumthin'.

Although on second thoughts, anyone that'd paint a 747-400 like that deserves firing upon...YArr!

[Black Bart]

PATRICK MOORE INJURED IN AURORA BOREALIS HORROR

Britain's best loved astronomer Patrick Moore was being treated for burns last night after a mysterious incident involving a stella phenomenon.

Sir Patrick had rushed to a location in East Anglia on Christmas Eve where there had been reports of spectacular lights in the eastern sky.

The phenomenon, which was thought to be linked to the Aurora Borealis, reached it's crecendo just as Sir Patrick arrived.  Eye witnesses reported a blinding flash and a loud detonation. Then, as the unfortunate astronomer gazed upward, a shower of burning debris and droplets of an extremely caustic liquid rained down on him.

Reports from the hospital have said that Sir Patrick is making a slow recovery and that a Fish Head had been removed from his monacle.

The Ministry of Defence have put a 3 mile exclusion zone around the affected area and have refused to confirm reports that a pair of antlers and a scorched peg leg were found amongst the debris.