Portsmouth Pirate Public School

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Welcome back pupils, the new term has begun. O'im your Principal, Capn Bill 'Dirk-in-the-ribs'Cullinane.

O'ill be finalising this years kerriculum curriculum.

If there be any special elective topics you'd like to learn sermestere term you may speak now.

Fundamentals in YArrring will start in 5 minutes.

Welcome back pupils!

[Bluenose]

From: Cap'n Bluenose
To: Capn Bill 'Dirk-in-the-ribs'Cullinane

Re: Distillery Master

Deer Cap'n Cullinane,

Oi wish ter apply fer the position o Distillery Master at Portsmouth Pirate Public School wot woz advertized inner Portsmouth Aaaarrggghhhus yesterdee.

Oi be a pirate o' long hexperients wiv makin the fine spirits an Oi reckon Oi can impart this essenshul skill to yer pupils in the highest tradishuns o' the Pirate Board o' Educashumen.

Oi 'ave included a sample demi-john o' me latest fine olde reserve (aged two weeks) fer yer considerahun and ter show me bone-a-fidos.

Your obedient and snivelling servent,

Cap'n Bluenose

[The Black Spot]

Dear Puns Prinss 'Eadmaster,

I's be a great believer in heducation. Then I also be's a great believer in UFO's, the Loch Ness monster an Mermaids.

I be sendin' me cabin boy over to yers fer some learnin'. I 'ope yer can make 'im clever, but don't make 'im all poncy.   I need 'im to be clever but a bit crafty.

Wi' yer own criminal record, ye seem the perfect man fer the job. Me CronanCard payment be in the post.

Yours

Cap'n Concerned

[DaveL]

Dear Sibling Bluenose,

You have hereby been apointered employed as the new school distillery master. Our equipment is slightly antiquated, however given your obvious talents our pupils will be delighted to partake in your fine activites.

You will find all out equipment in the dungeonunderground storage area.

As you are aware, our pirate children are underage, so getting them pissed plastered hammered to sample your wares is out of the question. You can forward your grog moonshine pupils assignments to C/- Headmaster Cullinane.

Looking forward to working with you.

Kind Regards,

Ole 'Dirk in the Ribs'

[Calico Jack]

Dear Headmaster

Can I be having a job as yer Home Economics teacher.

I be teaching the pupils many cullinary shills including.

How ter git yer bangers long and juicy.
How ter prepare healthy food by putting a little less salt on yer bangers
Vegetarian Options, kill yer pig b'fore yer eat it
Foreign Food, curry sauce on yer bangers.

I av ad me butchers in Portsmouth fer over 20 years and I av not ad any cases of food poisoning now fer nearly a week.

Look forward to joining yer school.

Big Ron (Still Banging arter all these years)

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

We'd love to see your chopper around our hallways. Usin' yer meat is a skill that our youngsters may need 'specially when yer marooned on a desert island. Knockin' off native fauna is often be yer only protein source. Nuthin like a bit of Kentucky Fried Macaw!! YArr!

Oi may need to check yer credentials wif vegetables. After a sneekin peak at the 'Men of Portsmouth Calendar' Oi can can see that creatvity wif inate objects is right up your alley.

Please report to the dungeon , hell hole, kitchen, where you will be briefed.

Welcome aboard Big Ron!!

Kind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRRRGH...Dear Head Master

As ye appointed any caterers to this fine school o yours yet?  Students need proper nurishment if they be goin to excel in thier studies.  Don't make the mistake of so many schools by allowing fast food into yer tuck shops and eateries.

What ye need is proper home cooked meals as recommended by Captain James Oliver.  Ye'll have seen him advertising 'Ye Olde Fishe Head Stewe' no doubt and in other adverts for Bart Industries.

We at Bart Industries can offer yer school the hearty stew the kids need to grow up strong and healthy.  For a year's supply please complete the enclosed forms and forward payment to:

Bart Industries
6, Gibbet Lane,
Portsmouth
(Just behind the Scumsoft helpdesk offices).

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Top Master

Oi be oferin me services as skool counsilurr. Wen em pesky kids be too disgusting bad an especiul if em be avin problems at ome wiv ther Cap'ns or ooever, Oi be sortin em out fer ye.

Oi got me refrence redy - c/o Marge Proops-Deck.

Oi opes yer in good spirits.

Cap'n Treadmill-Kane

[DaveL]

YYYAAARRRRRGH...Dear Head Master

As ye appointed any caterers to this fine school o yours yet?  Students need proper nurishment if they be goin to excel in thier studies.  Don't make the mistake of so many schools by allowing fast food into yer tuck shops and eateries.

What ye need is proper home cooked meals as recommended by Captain James Oliver.  Ye'll have seen him advertising 'Ye Olde Fishe Head Stewe' no doubt and in other adverts for Bart Industries.

We at Bart Industries can offer yer school the hearty stew the kids need to grow up strong and healthy.  For a year's supply please complete the enclosed forms and forward payment to:

Bart Industries
6, Gibbet Lane,
Portsmouth
(Just behind the Scumsoft helpdesk offices).

Dear Mr Bart,

As we are a school encouraging childrens nutrition, we would very strongly recommend that you fishhead stew does not come within a 2km radius of this school. 

However if your company will agree to make a healthy variety ie DaveL's Country Blend, then we might be in a position to offer your products in our school canteen.

Tell Mr Oliver to report to the Slops Hall Catering Facility at once!!

We are also a school desperately in need of funds, so any bribes, financial endorsements offered by your company shall be met with a call to the police , a blind eye (patch).

Kind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[DaveL]

Dear Top Master

Oi be oferin me services as skool counsilurr. Wen em pesky kids be too disgusting bad an especiul if em be avin problems at ome wiv ther Cap'ns or ooever, Oi be sortin em out fer ye.

Oi got me refrence redy - c/o Marge Proops-Deck.

Oi opes yer in good spirits.

Cap'n Treadmill-Kane

Dear Capn Treadmill Kane,

There a some very sad, disturbed cases in this school. But, this has nothing to do with our heavy corporal punishment, schooling methods.

If yer think you are up to the task, then please report to the infirmary counselling centre.

You may also need to watch those children who indulge in that dreaded fishhead stew, the fruits of our caterer.

Kind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Sibling Kephra (Tansy)]

Deer 'ead Mast'r;

Oi! 
I be applyin' fer th' posishun o' physikal edoocashun.  ***crrrack whip***
'em thar li'l brats wull be so's tired 'ey won't be a troublin' nobody!

Fer me refferance oi gots me deckhands 'ere.  They'll be tellin' ya how hard I works 'em. 
"'ey thar you!  Stop lickin' me boots.  They not be dirrrrrty enough yet..."

Annie Skullard

[DaveL]

Dear Annie,

Any girl carryin a whip around these parts, is worth meeting me after school, worthy of a position at this school.

What's better it'll save me a fortune on fees at Madame Fifi's, conducting after hours detention.

You can give me an after school demonstration, come in for an interview any toime yer like.

Koind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[The Black Spot]

Dear 'Eadmaster

I be wantin' to offer me services to yer school as English master. I has extensive practice in draftin' ransom notes an' terms o' surrender, an would like to pass some o' me skills on.

I could also be showin' the kids some debatin' and negotiating techniques what ne'er fail.

I look forwards to yer reply. Ye can find me in the back room o' the Admiral Benbow.

[Sibling Chatty]

Dear Heddemaster,

Oi wuld loike to present meself to yer for a position at yer institooshin of edyukayshin.

In this increasin'ly multi-cultural and complex werld, evvery poirate needs ter be up't dayte on his cultcheral skills. Oi proposes a class in deportment, foine dancin', an' th' proper way to address foreigners what don't speak Hinglish like normal human bein's do.

Oi hev me own brace of pistols fer teachin' dancin (as Oi hev found th' feet move much quicker when dodgin' hot lead) and only require a ground floor classroom, as the encouragin' practices can cause cranial leadification in occupants of lower floors.

As to other class subjeckts, me toime as a slave high-classed servant in a Heathen Land has given me much okayshun ter study th' ways of the well-to-do (as so many hostages are nowadays) and to inneract wif foreigners, includin' them what chooses to wear their bedsheets wrapped aroun' emselfs, and a dishcloth on their heddes. Th' auld tecknike of speakin loudly to 'em does nae werke, but my new method of speakin' louder whilst drawrin' a picksher has prooved most suckcessfulle!

Oi could also, for a small eckstra proice, bring along an foine orckestra fer the dancin' music, who can dubble as foreigners for the speakin' lessons and act as if they's the cultchered persons of hostage. (One of me band even can portray a Royal Personage, as 'ee has becomme to consider hisself The Queen of Henglan'.

Th' well rounded Pirate wi' be th one to prosper in th' comin' global economy. Let us werkke t'gevver to make sure these lads me prepared to face a growin' werlde.

Yours,

Commodore Amanda Teach Al-Hanan Lubachevsky Pfefferbaum

[Calico Jack]

Dear 'Eadmaster

I be applying to yer school as teacher of Human Biology.  I be an experienced teacher of this subject for many years as the owner of Fifi's.

I not be a great lover of textbooks, what yer students will get with me is fieldwork at my establishment where me wenches an I will give some practical demonstrations to each of yer students.

For these tutorials each student must pay me 1000 dubloons but this is a bargain as they will get far more knowledge of Human Biology at Fifi's than they will get out of a book.

If yer don't give me a job, I be telling yer wife where ye were last night.

Fifi