Ask Big Ron and Bustlin’ Brian – Your Pirate Home Handymen…

[Black Bart]

Dear Brian

I can see your point, especially as it got more work done than you ever do! 

Yours Sincerely

[DaveL]

Dear Bustlin Brian,

Oi haves been asked to convert me ole toilet into a modern new fangled water savin' device.

Can yer gives me a few tips for gettin me cock-and-ball unstuck?

Koing Regards,

Mr Nobby Faultybits

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Bustlin Brian

Me toilet handle snapped off in me hand. Why?

Yours

Lord Cap'n It-Really-Did

[Black Bart]

Dear Capn It really Did

I told you with hands as big as that ye needed to purchase the BS435 handle made of Galvanised Pig Iron...You pirates are a bunch o cheap skates!

Regards,

Bustlin B

[Griffin NoName]

Dear IS-One-Of-You-A-Carpenter?

Oi av a notion ter build a Trojan ship fer Raidin Parties. Oi needs a dyagram.

Oi ken offer yer a plaise insyde if yer ken elp. Oi'll even offers ye the bit be'nd ther eyes (wot Oi av bin collectin false eyes off of that knackers yard be'ind ther Adminral Benbow wot be allus so busy).

Yours

Cap'n Lord Earl Baron Treadmill-Wermer

[Black Bart]

Dear Capn Wotsyername

I has had a word wiv me bruvver Burnishin Brian what sais he be a carpenter an he showed me this hidea fer a Trojan Ship...he said it only be any good if yer name be Helen:



Yours B.B
(just realised I has the same initials as that Blaggard Black Bart).

[anthrobabe]

Dear scurvy bilge rat-- I mean nice pirate carpenter type person,

Do you have any ideas on ways to make spitoons the self emptying kind?

Sincerely,

Saucy Gert Pettigrew

(and if you would all stop playin wif the plumin it wuld las)

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Dear Bustlin Brian,

Oi haves been asked to convert me ole toilet into a modern new fangled water savin' device.

Can yer gives me a few tips for gettin me cock-and-ball unstuck?

Koing Regards,

Mr Nobby Faultybits

YARRR ! Faultybits ! OWW KIN YE DOODUS !??? ,

Foist ye be minefo ove da lid... Be genno widdit an et be fine... maybees ye haffa jiggo et a bit wid ye finger es all... ARR  maybees  et too tyet ...onna chain... jus git ye nimbel finners in dARR an loosin et a nic' ARR too .

Den grab hode udda wee shaff reel foim loike and slooly begen ta poo...Not Jerket !...for ye may breek it !    ... an get yeseff wit !

Iffen ye int gittin nowARRs  ... maybees ye ave a prublum wid yARR scruwin thin ...jus unsruw et intills ye be sassfried ye gotsit roite  ...iffen diss dont doo da trik   ...ye muss cull a professinall to hep ye .


  Kine  Regoids... Brian ... et ye serfiss !

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Dear scurvy bilge rat-- I mean nice pirate carpenter type person,

Do you have any ideas on ways to make spitoons the self emptying kind?

Sincerely,

Saucy Gert Pettigrew

(and if you would all stop playin wif the plumin it wuld las)

YARR Gerttie ! ,

                          Foist ye need be inpeckting ye vessels , kin ye fit bowf yer hans an yer toos innem ?

Iffen ye kin , ye jus scruw em to da fluer , den ye puts ye hoze tru bouff dARR bottoms an tru da fluer.

Iffen ye kint , ye gots ta do yer drillen and sruw em frum beloo wid sum hep frum above .


Aways et ye serface , Brian

                             

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

Isa been havin a bit of trubbles getting a gooda length in me salami. Isa  we hanging it right?

Koind Regards,

The Mario Brothers

[Bruder Cuzzen]

YARRR! Mario Bros ,


                   Sounds to me dat ye might be hanging it ta winward ware it be subjit ta code an win , jus hoist it over ta leeward an give it sum time ta recover .

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

Can you give me any firm tips about state-of-the-art sausage casings. Oi hear that ramming your mince into a synthetic sausage is a major disappointment on the taste satisfaction scale.

Is the use of a nice intestine the only effective means of makin' a good sausage, or should we for looking for a few halternativs.

Looking forward to hearin about the finer points of your sausage as well.

Love and casings

Mrs Hubble Telescope

[Bluenose]

Dear Mrs Telescope,

I find that the tastiest sausages be made using old rugby socks.  There's bound to be a local tem near you whowill be able to help you out, I am sure.

Big Ron

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

I prefer a good sweaty sock meself.  Adds a bit of added flavour, not unlike Mature Cheese. 

[Pachyderm]

I prefer a good sweaty sock meself


I'm going to guess you don't know what that is in Cockney rhyming slang.

I will point out that I am available, and broad-minded