Ask Big Ron and Bustlin’ Brian – Your Pirate Home Handymen…

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRR I be not the suspicious type loik but as anyone hobserved somat strange...

Bustling Brian's Central Heating and Plumbing Services and Scumsoft Helpdesk be hoperatin from the same address!!!!

[DaveL]

Dear Brian,

Oi reseeved th' new X3400 Pressure Vessel komplete wiv th' Secret "Patented" Burner this afternoon.  Oi trust ye fownd the treasure chest to yer satisfakshun, Oi must admit it were a bit of a stretch ter fill it up wiv all them 10 carat diamons, black perls and gold bars loike ye spesifyed, but Oi'm shore it be werf it in th' long run ter get the advice o' sumwun as skilled as yerself.

Unfortunately it seems loike a rat got in an ate some of th' instrucshuns, 'coz Oi carnt find anywhere wot tells me wot ter do wiv the bit Oi found in a box marked 'Cyclops Supa Fire Engine Ride On'.  Me cabin boy's eyes lit up wen 'e sore that bit but Oi be tellin 'im it be too danjerus fer the loikes o' 'im.  Oi'm thinkin it be part of the fuel delivvry system fer the burner, but Oi jess carnt make 'ead nor tail o' it.

Eegerlie awaitin yer reply,

Cap'n Bluenose

Dear Capn Bluenose

Sorry Oi couldn't reply sooner, but Oi was busy counting my money, as Wall St just had a surge on Scumsoft shares. Boy, being successful sure is a hassle!!

Apologies for yer current equipment problems. All yer need to do is dial the BB Helpdesk on 1800-BASTARD. One our our experienced distilliery operators will talk you through your concerns for only 4 dubloons/minute.

Oi hope you have lots of time on yer hands. Oi predict it should take a mere 5 hours talk time to solve the problem.

Koind Regards,

Bustlin' Brian

(Now where's me mum? Oi needs her to answer the phone)

[Black Bart]

Dear Bustlin Brian (Pirate Home Handyman)

Are ye any good at flushin out distilleries.  Due to an unfortunate accident me Polonium 210 pipes be contaminated wiv Fishe Heade Stewe.  Can ye come round and give me valves a good scrubbin and me vessels a good polishin. Don't forget yer rubber gloves.

Yours

Black Bart
(Chairman, Bart Industries)

[DaveL]

Dear Bart,

I'd best solve that problem by retracting those statements you made about the current President of a well known country in Eastern Europe.

In particular I'd be retracting the words 'Evil' 'Ex-Secret Service Despot' 'Total Bastid' and 'Murdering Varmint' from your previous correspondence wif him.

Oi'd probably just use the words 'Strong Leader' from now on eg. Dear President you are a 'stinking, rotten strong leader' or 'I love how you show such strong leadership wif your media'.

Nuthin like a visit or 'special meal' from the secret service when yer least expect it. YArr!

O'id be gettin yer fishead stewe into the secret service quick smart, before their Polonium runs out.

Koind Regards,

Bustlin' Brian(currently hiding in tax free haven from Capn Bluenose)

[Griffin NoName]

YYYAAARRRR I be not the suspicious type loik but as anyone hobserved somat strange...

Bustling Brian's Central Heating and Plumbing Services and Scumsoft Helpdesk be hoperatin from the same address!!!!

Oi as noticed that too an ye know what, I rekkon they both be fake.

[Bluenose]

Dear Bustlin Brian,

Oi ad a visit from a Teknikel Inpeckter from the Piratical Hi Counsil Offiss o Licker Lisensin or sum such fing.  'E 'ad a rite proper gander at me still and 'e commented on the parts wot Oi resently purchased from ye.

'E telled me that the Very Expensive High Presha Pipe wot you sold me were really just a bit of ole curtain rod, and that the new Special Precision Controlled Burner fer the still were jest an ole hi-skool bunsen burner an' that the new fuel delivery system reely was a Cyclops kiddy-kar fire-engin, jess loike me cabin boy fowt it be.  Wen Oi aheared this Oi took th' liberty of havin a closer look at the items an indeed Oi espied the words "Handi-Hardware Curtain Rod, Size 2" on the pipe an the burner is clearly marked on the bottom wiv "Property of East Finchly Public School".

Now Oi got no problems wiv the performance o' the supplied items, the burner be werkin a treat and the pipe be holdin pressure much betta than me old wun (although Oi'm still a bit unsure abowt th' chewing gum seal) an me cabin boy Tommy be pretty 'appy wiv the fire engine.  Wot Oi be unappy abowt but is the price ye charged for wot in reality turned out ter be a bit o' old tat.  Oi will be expeckin a full refund less about 2 dubloons,which Oi ave been advised by a licensed second-hand dealer is about wot the items be werth.  Oi will be sendin a kupple o me crew around to collect the refund this afternoon.

Don't let me down or Oi'll be forced ter refer the matter ter "Burly Henchmen R Us" th' new debt collectors wot ave been advertisementin lately.

Cap'n Bluenose

[DaveL]

SCUMSOFT OUT OF OFFICE REPLY:

HI I'M CURRENTLY ON INDEFINITE LEAVE IN A SUNNY TAX FREE HAVEN. IF YOU WISH TO CONTACT ME, I'M AFRAID THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

SO BOTTOMS UP, I'LL DRINK A PINA COLADA IN YOUR HONOUR.

KIND REGARDS,

BUSTLIN' 'COME MR TALLYMAN' BRIAN

[The Black Spot]

Dear Bustlin' Brian

Thank you for your services. We now have another batch of highly toxic fuel control pipes for you to dispose of.

Just like the last batch, these pipes contain high quantities of deadly materials, and exposure to them should be limited to a maximum of four minutes only.

Please find enclosed a cheque for 2,000 dubloons for the safe disposal of these various sized pipes.

Thank you for keeping the general public safe from these lethal fittings.

Yours

Arthur Buckleshnaffen

Global Effluents International (Portsmouth Div)

[Black Bart]

Dear Bustlin Brian

Thanks fer the job lot o brass rods ye sold me.  I screwed them end to end and fashioned em into a fine Sea Fishing Rod.  The only problem is I keeps catchin fish with three eyes...not too much of a problem as some nice fellar buys all the heads from me at a fair price.

Cheers,

Captain Birdseye

[DaveL]

SCUMSOFT OUT OF OFFICE REPLY

DEAR CUSTOMERS, THANKS FOR YOUR KIND PATRONAGE. I AM CURRENTLY SPENDING YOUR MONEY AT THIS AWESOME OFFSHORE GAMBLING ESTABLISHMENT WITH GREAT PALM TREES.

IF YOU REQUIRE ANY TECHNICAL ASSISTANCE, TRY MY 1800-BASTARD HELPLINE. MY HIGHLY SKILLED OPERATORS WILL GIVE YOU MORE TROUBLE , ASSISTANCE THAN YOU CAN POKE A DISTILLERY PIPE AT.

YOURS FIENDISHLY BUSTLIN' BRIAN
(2000 Dubloon on 13 Black Please Winston)

[Black Bart]

Hello der Mr Bustlin Brian,
Dis am de Governor General o jamaica Sir Ambrose Cumberbatch man

Wot exactly be you callin this plumbing job what you hinstalled in me Marigo bay residence. Me thinks ye been avin one too many rum punches man.  If I wanted a plumbing sytem made outta coconut halves and bamboo I would ave called in me brother Winston (Del Boy)Cumberbatch.  I thought you wuz a professional. Let me tell you man, the job better be put right by next week or some o me boys off de plantation will be comin round and fittin you personally with a plumbing system involvin de pinapples and other sharp edged fruit!

Dayo Deeeeayyyyooooo
Daylight come and Bustlin Brian's gone home!

[Black Bart]

Dear Bustlin Brian

We've been receiving reports from many sources about the level of service which you provide.  We have come to the conclusion that you are:

Incompetent,
Negligent,
Un-professional
Un-punctual
Haven't got the parts
Haven't got a clue
Never there when your wanted
Hopeless

Would you like a job with us at British Gas?

[DaveL]

SCUMSOFT TELEGRAM:

DEAR CAPTAIN BLUENOSE AND OTHER CUSTOMERS (stop)

FOLLWIN' MY ARREST BY THE JAMAICAN POLICE AND SOME SLIGHT PERSUADIN' ON THEIR PART, OI HAVES DECIDED TO FULLY REFUND YER ALL YER ME ILL GOTTEN GAINS (stop)

FOLLOWIN' MY IMPENDING DEPORTMENT, OI 'AVES DECIDED TO MEND ME WICKED WAYS AND COME CLEAN, GIVEN THAT I HAD A BIG CASINO WIN WITH YOUR EARNINGS (stop)

PLEASE REPORT TO ME ACCOUNTANTS OFFICE MR EARL DOGDY, WHO WILL SIGN A NICE BOUNCY CHEQUE, FOR THE FULL AMOUNT OWED (stop)

OI SINCERELY APOLERGIZE.

REGARDS,

BRIAN (stop)

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

Congratulations on yer sucessful 'Unplugged and Unventilated Concert' Fortunately, Oi wuz seated third row from the back.

Oi wuz mightily impressed with the range of noises yer produced during your performance.

Can yer tell me how you managed to hit the note F# during your solos?

Koind Regards,

Luciano Pira-rotti

[Black Bart]

Dear Big Ron

I wants me money back! Oi wuz seated second row from the back and some big fat Italian Bloke kept standin up in front o me and completely hobscured me view.

Yours Sincerely

Capn Shortarse